Emotional Abuse

Myspace Layouts - Myspace Editor -

This little bit is for the Women out there... not the only victims of Emotional Abuse.. but they do make up most of my friends here.. and I just had something to say...
........YOU ARE A QUEEN.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.. YOU ARE UNIQUE, YOU ARE ELEGANT.. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE OF YOUR KIND.
TO SEE A QUEEN ON THE FLOOR IS TO WANT TO REACH HER!! I WANT TO REACH YOU..
I WAS FORTUNATE TO HAVE THE HAND OF MY FLESH AND BLOOD COME AND FIND ME.. NOW THE ONLY THING I WANT TO DO IN RETURN IS FIND THE OTHERS OUT THERE.. THE QUEENS, THE EMPRESSES, THE PRINCESSES, THE ROYALTY.. THE WOMEN.
NOTHING ON THIS EARTH IS QUITE LIKE A WOMAN. WE ARE WORTH MORE THAN ANYTHING THIS EARTH HAS. WE ARE LOVE, BEAUTY, CARING, EMPATHY, FERTILITY, WE ARE THE FUTURE!!!SO REMEMBER ALL THE QUEENS OUT THERE... WHO YOU ARE.THE SAME GOES FOR THE KINGS AND PRINCES THAT ARE VICTIM TO EMOTIONAL ABUSE... STAND TALL.
I want to Dedicate this Page and this Effort to my Grandma.. R.I.P. 3/28/94
She was ALWAYS there for me, she was a mom to me when I needed one, a woman who taught me to sit up straight, to find poise and grace in my body AND soul. To be a dancer, to dance through this life.. there is no mistake in the Tango.. if you get tangled up you Tango ON!! She taught me unconditional love. She taught me how to love, how to say NO, how to be myself and not bend. I may have traveled a bad road since she passed away that sacrificed those lessons but NOW I have them BACK. I have me BACK.
She was a woman too who sacrificed her life to serve a man, who was a servant for her life (even with the abuse) even though she was a true **STAR** at heart.. a dancer, a diva, and so much more... she meant heaven and earth to me.
...thank you for the STRENGTH grandma, I know you can hear me even now.. Thank you for the STRENGTH to LEARN from you and hear you in my heart... I remember the things you tried to TEACH me, and I will not go walk that same road.. I will be a shooting star, and BE MYSELF ..instead... I LOVE YOU.
-Rita Del'Giorno (my lovely grandma)
......She would LOVE this song!!!!!
....."SURVIVOR"
..://dl3.glitter-graphics.net/pub/85/85254nu68gme7tu.gif width=445 height=534 alt='' border=0
.....step Out of the Darkness and into the moonlit night.. the DAWN is Coming...
This myspace page will be dedicated to Anyone who has been affected, changed, or damaged by Emotional Abuse... and to those just growing... healing and getting yourself back! YOU WILL get yourself back.
Emotional Abuse is real.
..don't let anyone say it is not.
Because of the science of Psychology we can recognize types of personalities and types of behaviors that are destructive and that harm others..
We can now say that it is WRONG to treat someone in a way that harms another inside.. how it harms, where it comes from, what it does.. and give reasons why it happens and why it is dangerous..
Here are some helpful Quotes from a great book about Emotional Abuse........
--"Abuse in psychology is defined as any behavior that is designed to Control (through many methods, some that one may not be aware of or ready to look at..) Or subjugate another human being through the use of FEAR (of that person, of their actions or other consequences), or humiliation ..etc (and verbal or physical assaults).
--"EMOTIONAL abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical.. it can include anything from verbal abuse to constant criticism to more subtle but just as destructive tactics such as Intimidation, Manipulation and refusal to ever be pleased."
--"Emotional abuse is Like brainwashing because it tears away the victims self confidence, sense of self-worth or self needs, trust in his/her own perceptions, and self-concept over all."
--"Emotional abuse can be upfront by belittling or berating, or done in disguise as "guidance" or "teaching" ..either way the results are the same."
--"Over time "eventually the recipient of the abuse loses (or can lose if not stopped) all sense of SELF and any remnants that were of personal value..
--Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones."
--"With EMOTIONAL abuse the subtle insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly but surely eat away the victims self esteem (especiallly when the victim is trying so hard to please and do well) until the victim becomes incapable of judging a situation Realistically.."
(also it may hurt too much to see what is true and really happening and that their partner/abuser is hurting them so deeply that it is truly "abuse")
--"One can become so beaten down by the abuse that one blames his/herself for the abuse.. thinking if she changes or if she listens.. (etc)
--"The victim thinks when he/she obeys the abuse may stop.. When it does not stop, Self esteem levels can also reach so low that the victim begins to cling to the abuser who masks himself as her teacher and her guidance."
--"Those that set out to emotionally abuse don't always intend to destroy those around them, but they DO set out to control them." What better way gain control than to let the victim doubt her own perceptions, decisions, ideas, mind, or slowly become dependent on the abuser?"
(Many different manipulations may be involved in each seperate case.)
--In studies of the personality of emotional abusers.. psychology found that they have a PERSONALITY not a disorder that uses certain behaviors to attract a partner that either already is a certain way (their opposite) or can be changed to become a certain way...
I will list those personality traits of whom an Abuser looks for... Further Below..
I am trying to get together as much info as I can on this so anyone looking to learn for themselves or for someone they know can be informed and arm themselves with real knowledge..
Emotional abuse is as Real as EVERY other form of abuse.
In fact psychology states it can be even more DANGEROUS.. because the victim does not realise what is HAPPENING... See.... Just because there are no cuts or bruises (on the OUTside) does not mean that there are none on the inside.. When someone is being emotionally abused however, they find it much harder to know and recognize Abuse...or what is really happening.. that is why this page is SO important to create!!
This Video below is created from clips of a tv drama.. however it is a very realistic portratal of an Emotionally abusive relationship..
Most relationships that are emotionally abusive tend to be worse than what happens here in this tv drama.. but this gives you some idea of the view from the eyes of the victim.. SO if you see yourself at all in this video.. Please look up "EMOTIONAL abuse" .. and learn more.. I will provide all I can here asap.....
.. width="425" height="350" ..
....If you are thinking you have been affected or someone you know or love has been affected and you want to talk or to contribute anything to this page.... Also see the BLOG I have about helping a friend or Family member! Please don't be Silent. Tell someone if you are being abused.. even if it is your beautician.. let there be someone to stand and say YES I know about it.. if the time came.
If you need to talk or need help Please look at my FRIENDS below and contact them. If you want to then do let me know too... drop me a letter and I will be happy to listen to what you have to say... YOU HAVE A VOICE.
Maybe you can help us all to get this page going... stay STRONG.. you have NO idea how strong you REALLY are.
.......YOU can be FREE !!!!!!!!
____________________________________
Thinking you are crazy?
OR Does the abuser say you are crazy? (or other things, like weak, overly sensitive, demanding, really angry at someone else, not educated enough or just making things up?)
This is typical.
You are NOT crazy.
Remember that every little thing that I state on this page is backed by psychology.. I am not going to just write what I think.. I am only writing here what I have RESEARCHED.
If you feel something you feel something. The mind lets you feel in order to protect you, so NO you are not Crazy.
Trauma is unexpected pain inflicted that frightens or harms you. Trauma can even happen to someone who ALMOST got into a car accident but never hit. Each person is different as to how they relate to danger and life threatening or scary situations.
Trauma in Abuse is very dangerous. Trauma is a serious issue and it can be destructive.. you have to protect yourself from negative energies.. from harm, from tears and from pain, and you have a RIGHT to...
In the introduction to the 25th Anniversary Edition of her book, Women and Madness, Phyliss Chesler, M.D. writes:
--We now understand that women and men are not "crazy" or "defective" when, in response to Trauma (unexpected pain inflicted that frightens or harms one).....
"....they usually develop post traumatic symptoms, including insomnia, flashbacks, phobias, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, dissociation, a numbed toughness, amnesia, shame, guilt, self-loathing, self-mutilation, and social withdrawal. We now understand more about what trauma is, and what it does....."
"...We understand that chronic, Hidden family or domestic violence (like Emotional abuse) is actually more, not less, traumatic than sudden violence is at the hands of a stranger, or partner, or of an enemy during war..."
..."We understand that after even a SINGLE act of abuse, physical violence is only infrequently needed to keep one's victim in a constant state of terror, dependent on her captor and tormentor..."
..."Emotional abuse victims (Gas lighting) can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go and fear being all alone.. and so live with or ignore the abuse."
Please... realize Emotional Abuse is Real.
..Protect yourself.. you CAN make it alone.. you are safer alone, your children are safer out of a home that hurts.. a home that can teach them to abuse or be abused later... they are safer with you working a small job and just getting by rather then with you staying with someone destructive, dangerous, and teaching them life lessons that are VERY bad for them to Watch..
You CAN be yourself without questioning what you do or dream, you Can leave without wondering if the person that has hurt you will survive without you, you are NOT responsible for their life... you are responsible for your own, and those of your kids.
If you believe you have been or are being abused YOU need to think of you.. NOW.
Sometimes this is a hard thing for someone in this situation (who is usually unselfish or unable to really focus on themselves) to do... but it is something you MUST do.
You need to stay soaked in your Dreams and not your tears..
...you need to break away and think about what you learn here and from other sources about emotional abuse.
Only YOU can put an end to the pain, to the swollen tears, and to the life of hurt that you do not deserve.
You cannot wait for the abuser to think of you.. to change.. come back to who you thought they were.. or suddenly hurt when you hurt. I will explain below the personality of an emotional abuser and why I say that you cannot wait forever...
This song "The Power Of Goodbye" by Madonna.. shows a couple playing a chess game of life.. the woman is clearly unhappy and alone, while the man remains quite cold. The woman still craves a lover, but in the END realizes her strength is more powerful than his.. and feels the Power within HERSELF Please Watch....
THE POWER OF GOODBYE..
....A Question we may ask ourselves...
Is it that we love too much? The victims of emotional abuse are charactaristicly people that are giving and able to put their needs aside.. loving and kind people.. most times they are more giving than the average..
So Perhaps we do love too much, BUT perhaps not.. I believe LOVE should not be something we have to Stop doing..
LOVE should be something that is deeply appreciated.. returned in the same amount or more and Never taken for granted, expected, demanded or Abused.
LOVE SHOULD ALWAYS BE UNCONDITIONAL.
"The following lists indicators that you can use to gauge whether you are being subjected to emotional abuse: (from wikipedia)
First a Quick checklist... how many of these do you feel in your life?
--Domination
--verbal assaults
--abusive Expectations
--Emotional blackmail
--Unpredictable responses
--Constant criticism (even gentle is constant)
--character assassination
--Gaslighting (making tiny arguments HUGE)
--Constant chaos in life etc
--Sexual harrassment (or pressure to have sex to avoid a fight or an emotional pull away)
________________________________
......Now onto more detailed examples......
--During arguments and everyday life You understand their feelings, but they never attempt to understand yours (or they make yours much smaller compared to theirs and prefer you think about them and theirs.)
--They dismiss your difficulties or issues as unimportant or an "overreaction" etc (Usually expecting very much of you.. almost perfection.. and difficulties are excuses to them, things that you are to weak to get through alone or that you disappoint them with) Careful.. guard your heart!
--You are Blamed. (this is usually constant but not to a point where the victim realises just HOW often it occurs.. emotional abusers are defined as masters at manipulation) BLAME is the number ONE thing emotional abusers do.
--Your feelings are consistently invalidated somehow. (In other words they are not important "right now" and then later not important anymore or will be discussed some other time.. most times they are then forgotten.. by them.. and by you (sadly) etc)
--They do not listen to you (However, you do alot of listening to them) (Most times if they do listen it is on their own terms and always with their controlling the begining and ending of the conversation.. and sometimes even what is said by you...)
--They always put their needs before yours (and give you many reasons WHY that you may not understand but agree to) They may try to explain to you that your needs are silly, or emotional, or even just not as important.. period. These are lies.
--The relationship is just NOT BALANCED as far as you being as happy, in control, or powerful as your partner.
--They expect you to perform tasks that you find unpleasant or humiliating... (or that they know you are doing for them and you are not gaining any enjoyment or very little.)
--You "walk on eggshells" in an effort not to upset them. This is usually constant constant constant.
--They ignore logic and prefer histrionics in order to remain the center of attention (this means that they push aside your logic and speak about all kinds of things that may confuse you or even have nothing to do with the issue at hand.. they always want to retain the image of the intelligent one, or the one that knows "best" ..sometimes talking for a very long time about their own strange logic)
--They manipulate you into feeling guilty (usually for things that have nothing to do with you or that you dont understand) This is a BIG one.
--They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling that support you do get.. (abusers will tell you that family and friends do not have an intelligent thing to say to you about the problems you face according to the abuser..
A common sentence is ..."only you and me know the truth" or "only you and I understand our relationship" or "you know me, you are the only one that could/or does" or even "there is no one but you no one is as wonderful as you at taking care of me" etc etc...((and this is done and said in an effort to retain exclusive control over your emotions without interference))
_______________________
P.S. Please Remember the term EMOTIONAL abuse.. it is your emotions being turned against you.. not fists, not words you can hear, but a careful manipulation of your own emotions..
This is done to cause you to harm yourself without a fist being thrown.. or to let yourself be harmed.. this is done to gain control instead of using a fist or verbal words that can be seen and heard.
--However, that does not mean that emotional abuse does not at times lead to other types of abuse if it goes on long enough.. statistically all abuse tends to get worse over time because abusers get comfortable..
_______________________
Continuing....
--They never take responsibility for hurting others (OR for their own mistakes that caused harm in someway to themselves or situations or others or you etc.)
--They blame everyone and everything else for ANY unfortunate events in their lives (this blame usually goes to the closest to them.. unfortunately as a partner that means YOU)
--They perceive themselves as martyrs or victims and constantly expect preferential treatment.. high respect.
--They may also Seem to have a very high view of themselves or their place in the world and say that it is the world that keeps them "down" or stops them. Again blaming anyone but themselves.
--You often feel like your partner has a jekyl and hyde personality and you are unsure what they will do or say from one moment to the next.. (so you stay on guard or feel fearful much of the time)
--Maltreatment (abuse or hurting you) occurs exclusively when they are unhappy with your behavior of some kind.
((Or this is the reason they give you.. even though remember you victims usually have done NOTHING wrong to "provoke them" but abusers will say you did "provoke or cause" their anger etc because they need an excuse and they want even more power over the way you think.))
The ONE constant in Emotional abuse is BLAME.
--They love you and treat you like a prince(ss) when they are happy with your behavior. (This is a form or reward and punishment.. and it works to cause a person to do or not do certain actions/behaviors.. it is a form of control)
--They aren't happy with your behavior very often. (When they are not you are on eggshells because you sense this)
--They always have a REASON WHY you were harmed emotionally by them, they blame you or they blame their inability to control themselves.
(This is a big one.. they blame their own inability to control their anger or feelings they say that it is out of their control and they are JUST that WAY.. this has been proven wrong in psychology.. all adults have the ability to choose unless they suffer from SERVERE mental impairment.
(Please don't be fooled emotional abuse is a CHOICE and according to all studies they DO have a choice and ability to NOT yell/scream or abuse like everyone else has a choice.. )
--An emotionally abusive PERSONALITY is a personality NOT a chemical problem they cannot control, they do have a Choice in each moment to choose to hurt someone by doing something OR to choose another path..
--They compare you negatively to others. (In any way.. And at times in a hidden way such as suddenly bringing up a failure of yours when they see success, sometimes your success)
--They treat all other people kindly in social situations.... (to try to maintain a high IMAGE of who they are to others), and never Emotionally abuse anyone else except yourself or those in your household. They may even abuse you in front of others. But they usually NEVER abuse their family.. ECSPECIALLY their parents.. who are usually seen as almost Perfect. (This can change when there are kids)
--However they can have a very short fuse with those who try to help them in the service industry, bill collectors or any other person that causes stress or is "supposed to treat them HIGHLY."
--The parents (of the emotional abuser) are held in a very very high regard, almost angelic.. this does not mean other members of family will not be blamed for situations they are not at fault for etc.. (your family and friends are typically blamed and shut out from you)
Blood and the parents are usually looked up to way to HIGHLY for them to degrate them.
...These are all just SOME of the signs.
========================================

....NEXT...In a relationship ask yourself....
--Do you feel like a child having to ask permission and apologizing for your behavior?
--Do you feel less than your mate in any way?
--Have you ever stopped seeing friends or family?
--Does your mate critisize your friends and family? Call them names? Say they are against him/her or you?
--Did your mate ever complain so much that you decided it would be best to avoid your friends/family altogether to avoid arguing about it/dealing with it?
--Do you feel embarrassed by the abusive behavior if and when it is done around your family?
--Do you believe you are to blame for your mates problems or mostly responsible for the problems in the relationship?
--And even if you don't, are you ever TOLD that you are to blame?
--Does your mate try to take advantage of you sexually or make demands on you sexually? Or is the relationship sexually unequal?
Explanation: (This can mean pushing you to have sex by using guilt or wanting to be "happy" or in a better mood or fixed.. OR it could be many other things.. there are many ways to take advantage of someone who is giving)
--Also some books note that emotional abusers have a desire to corrupt. Meaning that they will try to convince you that something you do NOT enjoy or have an interest in really is something that you would enjoy and should try and do..
This is a request for them.. but it is disguised as something they say is for you. (Not just with sex, but in other areas where the victim may bend their own rules.. this too is done for power)
--Does your mates behavior change in any way under the influence of any drugs or alchohol?
(MEANING Do they Need drugs to be calm, serene, safe? Do they react to drugs in a negative way? Do more emotions come up when on drugs and do they meditate on those darker emotions?)
--Does your mate put you down, but use HUMOR to do it? (This is disguising the put down so that you do not see it as an insult but as something to let pass... what you are feeling is swallowed and you laugh it off.. most in abusive relationships want most to AVOID confrontation)
--Does your mate not have the ability to laugh at her or himself?
--Does your mate find it very hard to apologize... or to admit when wrong?
--Does your mate make excuses for his/her behavior and blame others for his/her actions?
--Does your mate usually get his/her way when deciding where and when the 2 of you will go? Or simple desicions that you are capable of making?
What about the BIG desicions.. are you kept from the doctor or dentist or other important task that you would like to do for the household or yourself? How many times do you make the choice or drive the car or decide the plan?
--Does your mate control YOUR spending but seem to have no problem spending on his/her own needs? Does he/she complain about your use of money even when you are trying your BEST to be "good"?
.........................
According the the psychologist who wrote those above questions an answer to ONLY HALF of the questions above indicates an emotionally abusive relationship..
............only half.
.......Below are TWO different VERSIONS of the SAME "Cycle of all ABUSE" I put them both to help you understand.....
...I encourage you to do what I personally did.. go .. and search under emotional abuse.
Look at all the information you can find.. preferably research, studies and facts that come directly from those who are psychologists or who have done the studies.
Be careful where you get your information from, Look for a psychologist is one who has studied specifically human behavior for 6-9 yrs and is certified LCP or LCPC. The C in LcP or LCpc means Certified.
NOTE: A therapist or councelor is not certified yet. A psychologist takes a test to get the letters LCP or LCPC after their name. They must pass a test just like a lawyer must pass a barr exam.
--Also, a psychiatrist is a MD medical doctor primarily, they can graduate with a minimum of 3 classes in basic psychology and they are basically trained in psychotic/chemical disorders in the brain.. all that they can do is help you if you do need anxiety medication or medicine for your depression.
Usually your Psychologist will refer you to a psychiatrist to have one appointment where you get your medicine and then continue treatment with the psychologist.
---Who do you talk to?
-First... anyone. Getting it out.. admitting it to yourself, and having someone you can trust give you feedback.. is the most valuable thing you can have when you first find out...
Then move on to real experts.. do not depend on regular people to know about this serious issue. GO to a psychologist.. they are the highest up on the ladder of those who train in human behavior, and have the most knowledge as far as TRAINING and certification.
Be sure whomever you talk to has training. If you choose a psychiatrist instead.. **ASK** your psychiatrist WHAT psychology training he or she has received.. Look for certification such as LCP or LCPC on the card. ASK if they are certified. It is also good to look for those who specialize in abuse.. and there are Many out there that do.
______________________
The Danger in Emotional Abuse relationships is that the person who is giving to the abuser is not being considered.. their needs are forgotten.. or pushed aside, their desires are not totally fulfilled.. and their thoughts are even swept away..
-The Victim can get so used to becoming all that the abuser wants in a mate.. that they slowly lose who they truly are. They are so used to being who they were that they forget why they were ever any different.. {{this is hard when you are away from the abuser and recovering.. you must work at getting your old memories (before the abuse) back, and loving yourself enough to get YOU back.}}
-Also in emotional abuse, Getting you to Avoid conflict is the one sure way to change your behavior.. therefore an abuser will get you slowly, (over time) to want to avoid conflict at all costs.
-They will say things such as... "Do not question me.. do as I say, why do you make things worse, why don't you trust me, why do I always have to explain things to you, why do you talk so much, why are you going on and on about this, don't you trust me? Don't you think I am capable?" etc....
These things are said to stop you from challenging them.. to get you to give in, and many times this is when the abuse can start up again.. they will want to pin you down and get you to submit (Even when you do not agree or have another point of view)
...That is when we begin to wear MASKS...
-The victim can become so used to avoiding conflict, or just listening to what the abuser says to try to reach a peaceful situation, or do as he/she says so that nothing goes wrong.. that WE (the victim) begin to COVER who we TRULY ARE!!
If you feel that you are losing who YOU truly are.. because of inner FEAR or because of the "masking" you feel you need to do each day..
You trully need to begin to take those masks off..
...Psychologists say that after a number of years (books say it can be 3-4yrs) "brain washing" is occuring.
A hard pill to swallow? Well, think of it as it really is.....
-If your mind is changing to what the person manipulating your mind WANTS it to become.. if your actions change to please your partner only and forget yourself.. this is the GOAL of brainwashing.
The abuser may know.. or may not know they are going that far.. or maybe they do.. but the point is they are.
When one seeks control.. they may get it.. and if you are a victim you may not even know how much control they have. I never ever knew just how bad things were until I got AWAY.
Even after getting away from the Abuser it takes a lot of time to get yourself back to who you once were. I am in that process right now....
Do not expect to convince your abuser to stop making you into someone you are not..
Usually they will play the part of the good teacher, mentor, best friend, or the one that they will say knows best.. and tell you they are only "improving you" or "bringing out your better qualities" or "making you stronger"..
The truth is that they are in fact slowly CHANGING you, or making you even more submissive than you were before meeting them..
If you feel uncomfortable and hurt (when they ask you to neglect your true feelings etc) then what they are doing is wrong. You should not have to neglect your real feelings or be silent when your heart wants to speak.. real love would want to hear your heart.. not push it away as if it were a nuisance.
..............Want sympathy from them?
Remember that the emotional abuser has a PERSONALITY that is "unable to experience true Empathy" Quote.. (according to studies in psychology)
So a type of "sympathy" that comes and then goes is all you will feel. There is QUITE a difference between sympathy and Empathy.
During my research of Psychological findings on the Emotional abusive personality I found one of many things in common with ALL types of emotional abusers.. they do not have the ABILITY to experience "EMPATHY"..
...this means that sympathy may be given to you at times, and they may try to win you back with honeymoon type situations after moments of abuse etc..
...but later the personality reacts again to the world around it like it does because this is the way it has formed in the brain..
______________________
....What is "EMPATHY"?
______________________
Empathy is the ability to FEEL what another is feeling.. to feel for them.. to feel their pain so to speak, and to know when they have gone to far because of that ability.
There is a huge difference between Empathy (learned at toddler age) and Sympathy.
-Sympathy is a way of trying to understand someone, not totally understanding their pain or feeling it, sensing it.. but giving sympathy ~ acting like you care so that the person feels heard, stops crying, or begins to calm down.
... some emotional abusers will provide sympathy (in order to retain control over the emotions involved).
Again, there IS a big difference between sympathy and empathy.. You most likely know what the difference is just by the FEEL of it.
An emotional Abuser can (if they choose to) give sympathy, usually to calm the victim down and retain control ... yet they do not have the ability to experience Empathy.
Psychology learned that in cases of emotional abusers and narcissists and sociopaths.. Empathy was simply Not learned at the time in development when we learn it (toddler age).
--Sympathy is far from what Empathy is, sympathy is not the ability to truly FEEL when someone else hurts.. to feel their pain and care so much that it does affect you.. again, emotional abusers do not have that ability.
--They will pretend to have it by telling you that they hurt themselves when they hurt you (as all abusers do) and they will mimic or copy the behavior.. my abuser once cried in bed when I was crying.. he said he cried for me because he hurt me.. later I he told me he was crying about missing his mother and the mess his life was in. He had forgotten even what I was crying about at the time.
When the person does what they do to you and did to you before, to get you that low AGAIN and again (and then again).. you have to realize that they really do not feel that pain.. that they are not feeling empathy. IF THEY WERE then they would not do it over and over and over. It would hurt them too much.
--So... if PSYCHOLOGY has discovered and let us know that they DO lack the ability to truly feel the emotion of "Empathy" (and Psychology has). To me, and in the books I've read and doctors I've talked to, Yes that is a dangerous personality.
THIS is also why they are drawn to partners who are kind and empathic etc. Opposites attract, and they are self interested.. they are drawn to those that they feel will cater to them or give them something they need.. even if not on a concious level.. psychology proved it is being done on a sub-concious level (in the back of their minds) so if you think you are or may be a victim do not blame yourself. This is something that happens because you may have been UNaware it was happening. If it happens a 2nd time you may need to find out if there is anything more to it in your mind.. but the first time around, it is easy to be UN-aware. Do NOT blame yourself either way!!!
Whatever you can give them they WILL take and not hesitate. Yet most times once you do provide.. there is a complaint. It usually is not enough, or not what they wanted exactly or too expensive, or other complaints that they will give you to keep your ego lower. They may not even thank you.. most times they do not. And honestly it does not really occur to them. It just doesn't. Your family may ask you why he/she did not say thank you.. and you may not have an answer.. well now you do. (At least for yourself)
They usually come to EXPECT things from you. And in the process you become used to giving.. it becomes natural and like a habit.. you don't really even realize how much you give on a daily basis.. you just... do. An Emotional Abuser is very dangerous to those who's personalities are giving and caring or mothering.. etc. Please do read more on this subject!
So in fights and when you are crying etc...
There will always be apologies.. take a look at the charts that show the CYCLE of abuse.. apology, honeymoon, anxiety/fear, abuse.. it is a cycle.
Yes you will hear "I'm sorry" again and again but usually only when THEY feel they are ready to go to that level and "deal" with your emotions.
NOTE: As years go by this apologizing can lessen.
After a lot of time has gone by abusers usually state that you already know who and what they are, and how they are in life... that it is you who is to blame for not "understanding that this is just how they are" and not just "being a stronger person that can deal with it". etc
The usual answer is that they "cannot control the way that they are and will only try.. but not promise a THING.. because you should know not to PROVOKE them.." It is always someones fault .. they react badly because so and so made them.. provoked them..etc
Don't get on yourself by listening to these put downs.. they are only excuses for their own behavior. You have a right to say when you are hurt, harmed or in any pain.
My abuser used to tell me to be like his mother and just be silent like she was with his father, he said he did not understand my anxieties and emotions and was getting sick of them. ((ouch)) I plainly told him I was NOT his mother.
The words that can come from their mouths can truly stab at the heart, and they do this because they really have no other personality to switch to..
You may wait for the person you thought you fell in love with (the person or mask or image you saw then during courtship) ...to return (like I did) yet the truth is, that if you are with an emotional abuser this IS their real PERSONALITY.. it was hidden, then once they were relaxed with you it became ok to be themself. Not all abusers will put on a mask at first but 98% WILL. Remember it is not a disorder it is actually a full Personality.
Just as your personality formed as you were a toddler and up.. so did theirs.
Remember Time tells all and actions speak louder than words...
Madonna has a song about hearing ..."Im sorry" a bit too often and how that FEELS...
SORRY
.. width="425" height="350" ..
..Also Remember.. If they feel you are on the verge of leaving or changing your mind about your life, or even just starting to change your attitude....
.... you may notice they suddenly put much work into trying to either convince you that you are imagining things.. or to get you to forgive or "understand" them..
"I can't help it, you made me, you pushed me, it is just how I am.." ETC...are the main things that are said to the victim (one being abused).
Blame is the biggest thing that is done in an emotionally abusive relationship.. sometimes the blame is so manipulative that you don't truly realize that the blame has settled on YOU until you truly sit and think about it..
Think for a moment.. about you..
your self esteem.. has it been hit to the ground?
How does your inner SELF feel?
What about your Soul?
What of your Spirit.. can you feel as you did when you were a child playing? Can you feel that freedom from the world around you?
Do you feel free to make your own choices? (absolutely NO consequences later from someone?)
Do you feel like your emotions are just as important as everyone else? Including them?
Do you experience memory loss in conversations?
Do you forget what was bothering you when you are confronted?
Do you see your value? Your worth?
Do you ever stutter or experience high confusion when talking to your mate? Or get forgetful?
Can you do what others accomplish or are you losing faith in your abilities?
Do you feel that the one abusing you is smarter and more able to take care of you and your life (for you or with you)?
Are you at all in control.. real control.. of you and YOUR life and your choices (even medical choices)?
You must keep track of how YOU feel... and this is difficult when they usually keep your mind OCCUPIED with them and their desires and needs.
You may also hear....
"I cant believe you are doing this to ME.."... "You are so selfish"... "You have changed into someone else and become cold"...."why are you doing this to ME"... etc etc
All Basically things that are just centered around how THEY feel and not on how YOU feel.. Things that BLAME you or make you feel Shame or Guilt..
Remember that abuse happens to the BEST of us.. the smartest, the most giving, the most intelligent. Whether Female or Male.. it does NOT matter.
ANYONE on this earth can end up in a love relationship that surprises them when one day they wake up and say.. "what is happening to me here??!"
Take your step into the NEW world ahead of you and leave behind the Pain and the ones that drag you into bruises that never stop.. that no one can see.. those cuts are eternally asking you.. "why"?
From Wikipedia..
--"Emotional abuse can be difficult to observe when it is perpetrated in the privacy of someone else's home, or in a closed institution. However, personal awareness and understanding of the issue is key to recognizing it."
...So lets try to understand next the symptoms of someone who is dealing with emotional abuse...
___________________________________________
....BRUISES and cuts you cannot see....
(Some emotional Abuse Indicators..)
The following is a list of indicators of Emotional abuse:
--Depression (sudden or slowly oncoming)
--Withdrawal (sometimes because the partner is not agreeing with who you want to see and confide in, and sometimes with-drawl just because of a lack of interest)
--Low (or suddenly lower) self-esteem
--Severe anxiety (ecpecially around the person who "hurts" you.. or in situations where you "know" you are expected to behave a certain way by your partner)
--Failure to establish a mutually acceptable manner in which to manage differences in the relationship (no matter how small).
Meaning that the solution to a problem is not usually agreeable to you as much as it is to your partner (aka he/she is in charge)
--Fearfulness (sometimes severe, sometimes denied but always there)
--Failure to thrive (in infancy or adulthood) this can occur at school or at work or in anything YOU do.
--Aggression (sometimes sudden)
--Emotional instability (confusion too)
--Sleep disturbances (not enough, too much, nightmares, rushing thoughts, etc.)
--Physical complaints (like the feeling of choking or of pains) with no medical basis but that may have a psychological basis.
--Inappropriate behavior (for age or development in both kids and adults).
--Becoming or acting Overly passive or compliant (to abuser or to strangers as well out of habit, anxiety or fear)
--Feeling you've become someone else around the abuser.. or even in life in general (missing or not remembering who you once WERE.)
--Suicide attempts or discussion (or only thoughts)
--Extreme dependence (or illusion that you need the person who may be abusing you.. or you need someone/something else)
(PS This happens to take away your reliance and confidence in your ability to survive on your own so that the abuser can keep you)
--Under-achievement (sometimes because of placing ones own needs aside for the sake of the partner etc)
--Inability to Trust (this can happen suddenly)
--Stealing (or other secret rebellious behavior)
--Feelings of shame (sometimes for silly things)
--Feelings of guilt (sometimes over tiny things or things that are obviously not the victims fault or in their Power to change)
--Self-injury And/OR Self-harm
--Frequent crying (even if you dont know why)
--Self-blame or self-deprecation
--Belief that you can Save and have to Save the abuser (they cannot survive without your guidance and yet they are never satisfied or saved)
--Doing things that you would not normally do by your own choice (uncomfortable things)
--Delay or refusal of medical treatment
THAT is a big one. Don't do it. GO to the doctor. Go to the Dentist. I got into issues with my own health for neglecting the dentist.. Viruses that were Unknown got me in the emergency room all because of my teeth! Also I later found out about female disorders I have that I should have NEVER ignored for so long.
BE SAFE refusal of medical treatment is usually because of a fear of brining a true problem up that refers only to yourself and may Anger or frustrate your partner.. Let them get frustrated.. your HEALTH is your LIFE.
--Discomfort or nervousness around relatives or those that show affection/caring for you.. (hugs, embraces, long talks..) This is because you are begining to be not used to it and it may hurt to even be around it.
I will add more when I can......
__________________________
..........WHEN YOU TRY TO END IT.......
The MOST COMMON THING HE'S GOING TO SAY ABOUT YOU...........
Negative Characterizations Generally Used by Abusers - They All Say The Same Things...
THAT YOU ARE HYSTERICAL/crazy/imagining things/blowing things out of proportion... etc AND THAT YOU ARE PROMISCUOUS/want more partners/never satisifed with him and what he has done.
(The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The abuser benefits to the detriment of his children if the court representative fails to look closely at the evidence - or ignores it - because of his charm. He also benefits when professionals believe that they can "just tell" who is lying and who is telling the truth, and so fail to adequately investigate. narcissistic-abuse.com)
2. That You Are So Special... You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his ex ETC or never had before. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny.
That You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he? Sure, he said the same things to *her* when he got together with her (and then grew to hate so many things about her), but it's different with you.
You may be thinking ..he couldn't possibly be operating from scripts anymore. And it's so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn't it? He will say that It's hard being on your own, building a career, managing a household, and doing it all yourself. All of a sudden, here's this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did. Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner.
He couldn't possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that's where you are vulnerable. He couldn't be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it's part of his patterns.
Just because he did that with the women that came before you, doesn't mean he's doing that with you. He's really sincere this time. Right?
....it's abuse.. and it is not your fault if you do listen to him/her. NO ONE sees abuse coming. That is the point. It is done.. and the cuts and bruises are NOT seen.. the victim is not aware it is abuse.. YES IT HURTS, yes there is pain, but usually there is no one there who will be able to tell you that it is abuse. ONLY YOU can do that. Only you can know. If you feel strongly that this page is addressing your issues PLEASE investigate and privately research on your own or with a councelor. Find out. Find the Truth.