BATTERED MEN
Since stereotypes often makes one picture a victim as someone who is weak and powerless, most men are brought up to never perceive themselves as victims. Men are not generally educated that they can also be the victims of domestic violence.
Males are often taught that they are to be tough, masculine and strong. This toughness, could account for why some battered men do not report the abuses against them.
A study conducted by the United States Department of Justice showed that 39 percent of domestic assault victims were men who were being abused by their female partners.
While it is thought that female victims of domestic violence may suffer more serious physical injuries, battered men were more likely to be the victims of less violent forms of abuse. Studies have shown that battered men are assaulted by their abusive partner at much the same rate as battered women. Nearly 40-50 percent of men will be a victim of domestic violence at some point in their lives, which is comparative to the numbers for battered women.
It is difficult for some people to understand that men can be battered by their female spouses. Many people choose to believe that men are only hit or punched by their female partners as a means of self defense. The numerous studies and reports on battered men have surprised many individuals, groups and organizations. As education becomes available and society begins to embrace battered men, it is likely that more men will come forward to tell of their abuse.
There are various reasons why a man may not come forward to report the domestic violence which is being inflicted upon him. Researchers believe that many battered men may not tell of their partner’s abuse as a way of protecting their partner. Other men may choose to stay and keep silent as a means of protecting the children in the home. Many men feel that if they leave their abusive partner, their children would then become the target of the wife’s abuse.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to places in your area where you can seek help.
BATTERED WOMEN
Attention to battered women has only come to the foreground in the past few decades. This could be in part to the women’s movement of the 1960s, the influx of educational information through television and computers, or the willingness by authorities to step into a domestic violence situation.
Many battered women do not report the abuse. Battered women often don't report the abuse because of psychological and sociological pressures. Psychologically a battered woman may start to believe that she is not worthy or capable of being on her own. After enduring emotional and psychological abuse, a battered woman may begin to think that she is incapable of making good judgements and that she cannot survive without the presence of her abuser.
Many battered women are conditioned to believe that their abuser is more powerful than any law agency. The fear of their abusers may keep them from reporting the crimes against them. A battered woman may fear the anger of her abuser toward her or her children if he “catches†her once she has reported the crime and left the residence. Battered women may also fear leaving their abusive partners for fear of not being able to adequately provide for their children.
There are many myths attached to the subject of battered women. Many individuals believe that battered women are small in stature, poverty stricken, uneducated, mentally impaired, or deeply religious. This is not true. Battered women come from all walks of life and from all economic backgrounds. Domestic violence crosses all race, religious, ethnic and educational levels. Research indicates that about 50 percent of all women will be victims of some form of domestic violence at some time in their lives.
Battered women may be subject to other forms of abuse besides physical abuse. Battered women can be psychologically and emotionally abused, economically and financially abused, as well as sexually abused by their partners.
Help for Battered Women
If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to places in your area where you can seek help.
EFFECTS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ON CHILDREN
Children who witnesses domestic violence against his or her parent is a victim of domestic violence as well. Approximately five million children witness domestic violence in their homes each year. A child may be a witness to his or her parent being emotionally abused, physically abused, economically abused and/or even sexually abused.
No matter how hard a parent tries to shield their child from the abuse he or she receives from an abusive partner, the child usually knows what is occuring. Even a young infant can tune into the tension and emotional feelings of his or her mother.
Most children will experience problems if they live in a violent home and witness a parent being abused. Children who witness abuse are more inclined to have behavior and emotional problems. Some children will develop psychosomatic disorders. This may include bed-wetting, school problems, night terrors, stuttering, excessive fear and crying. Children may experience depression, suicidal behaviors and phobias if they are kept in a violent household.
Older children may blame themselves for the abuse a parent receives. Older children may even step into the abuse to direct the attention onto themselves and off of the battered parent. There is a great risk that children who witness abuse may grow up thinking that violence is the only means to resolve emotional and relationship conflicts. Boys who grow up in an abusive home are more likely to batter their future partners versus boys who grow up in a nonviolent home. Children who have witnessed abuse to a parent are also more likely to drink alcohol and abuse drugs.
Children who live in a domestically violent home will suffer some form of neglect, be it physical or emotional. It isn’t always just the mother who is abused, but the children may be abused as well. Many adults who were abused when they were children report that witnessing the abuse to their mother was harder for them to deal with then the abuse they personally received.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to safe places in your area where you can seek help.
We are all here because we or someone we love has been violated to the core of our existence. Violated doesn't seem like a violent enough term for me somehow. We have been through such an experience that it will affect us and everyone around us as long as we live. We have to learn to deal with our obstacles to live our life to it's fullest. I will address some of those obstacles. All of them won't apply to everyone. We are all affected differently. Our bodies cope in different ways. One may cut, one may have to control their surroundings, others may have to control their own body, many battle depression and some live in shame. We can't pick and choose which ones are worse than others or which ones we will face. But it is imperative that we understand these issues so we can face them and embrace one another. There is no room for judgment or guilt here.We all have the same goal. Recovery.
WHAT IS SEXUAL ABUSE?
Sexual abuse encompasses any form of degradation, manipulation, force or control of sex. For the abuser, sex is the way that he or she establishes power and dominance in the relationship. Many sex abusers see their partners as sex objects and they depersonalize their partners. Some sexual abusers can only become sexually excited when they use force, degradation or violence on their partners. Many sexual abusers are not faithful to their partners.
It is important to understand that sexual abuse in a domestic situation need not only imply a forced rape. Though forced rape is sexual abuse, sexual abuse can wear many faces.
* A victim of sexual abuse may find that his or her partner (abuser) is the decision maker in regards to their sexual encounters.
* A victim may be coerced or forced into having sex with an abuser whenever and however the abuser wants it.
* A victim may find that his or her partner (abuser) uses his or her bodily sensitivities and vulnerabilities against him or her.
* A victim may be made to feel that his or her discomfort is his or her problem and not a result of the partner’s actions.
* A victim may be forced to engage in sex acts with others.
Sexual abuse will sometimes go hand in hand with physical abuse. Sometimes sexual abuse may occur after a physical assault. Sometimes physical abuse occurs as a part of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can also be purely emotional and psychological.
Many times a sexual abuser is very jealous. He or she may be extremely suspicious of what his or her partner does on a daily basis. A sexual abuser may accuse his or her partner of flirting or infidelity. Sexual abusers may also become jealous with any relationship his or her partner has, be it with a friend, co-worker, clergy or relative. They may also become jealous over someone their partner may have come in contact with only once, such as at a store, post office or at a social event. Sometimes the abuser will torment his or her partner with made up details of the partner’s infidelities.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to safe places in your area where you can seek help.
PROGRAMS/RESOURCES FOR VICTIMS
National Domestic Violence Hotline for the United States and Canada: 1-800-799-Safe
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available to women 24 hours a day, seven days a week. When a victim calls this number, he or she will be referred to the closest help agency/hotline in the caller’s immediate area.
Rain (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network Hotline): 1-800-656-4673
Rain is available for victims of sexual assault and abuse. When a victim calls this number, he or she will be connected to the nearest sexual assault agency/hotline in the caller’s immediate area.
Women’s Shelters
There are secret shelters available throughout North America which offer refuge for women and children who have been victimized by domestic violence. Going to a shelter can save your life. You can learn more about the shelters in your area by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799 Safe, or by contacting a social worker or law official in your area.
Literature
Your local library is a great place to find literature on domestic violence. Notable books include The Battered Woman by Lenore E. Walker, Everything You Need to Know About Family Violence by Evan Stark and Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.
Internet Resources
There is much to be found via the Internet on domestic violence. If your internet activity is being monitored by an abuser, you should know that you can use a computer at your local library, free of charge.
Besides educational and informative reading on the subject of domestic violence, you can also find information and locate places to go for help in your area by doing a simple search on the Internet.
Particular sites of interest include hiddenhurt.co.uk.
Hidden Hurt lists links to help lines for abused women who live in the United Kingdom, as well as giving much educational information about domestic violence.
Friends and Family
Sometimes the first step in seeking help is confiding in a trusted friend or family member that you are a victim of domestic violence. Knowing that someone is there to support you when you decide to leave your abuser can give you the courage you need to start your new life.
SIGNS THAT SOMEONE MAY BE A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/HOW YOU CAN HELP
* Individual is withdrawn, isolated and goes out of his or her way to avoid contact.
* Individual does not seem to have availability to money and has to ask permission from his or her partner about any purchases he or she makes. This can even include household and baby items.
* Individual seems to always be hurt or bruised.
* Individual looks stressed and very fatigued.
* Individual is unwilling to give you his or her address or telephone number. The individual may insist on being the one that does the contacting.
* Individual may have low self-esteem, depression or appear very fearful.
* Individual may appear jumpy and have nervous ticks or mannerisms.
* Individual seems ill all the time. He or she may suffer from stomach ailments and/or headaches.
* Individual does not attend family, work or social functions.
* Individual may wear long sleeves in the summer and sunglasses indoors.
What You Can Do
* Be supportive.
* Ask if he or she is being abused. However, be gentle and be prepared to hear a denial. Once the victim feels that he or she can trust you, he or she will generally open up and communicate. This may take a period of time, so be patient.
* Do not be critical of the individual or tell him or her what you would do.
* Encourage your friend, validate his or her feelings and offer to help.
* Tell your friend that you will help him or her make a checklist to leave. Research safe places that he or she can go. If necessary, open up your home for the individual to store belongings, make telephone calls or receive mail.
* If you feel your safety would be compromised by helping your friend, find someone who can help him or her.
* Do not get angry with your friend if he or she decides not to leave or report the violence. Be supportive. You have to let the victim make his or her own decisions.
* Have your friend memorize the telephone number 1-800-799-SAFE. This is a number he or she can call in an emergency. This organization helps the victims of domestic violence find shelter and/or resources in his or her area.
HOW TO GET HELP/LEAVE AN ABUSER
If you are in an abusive relationship, you may be very frightened of leaving your abuser. You may wonder where you could go, how you are going to support yourself and your children and how you are going to keep your abuser from tracking you down.
It is important that you understand that there are available resources in your community which can come to your immediate aid when you do leave. These groups will educate and help you do everything within your power to legally protect yourself and your children from the abuser.
If possible, make an emergency checklist and pack the items you will need when you do make the decision to leave. Start collecting the items on your checklist as soon as possible. If you have transportation, leave during a time when you know your partner will not miss you for a few hours. This will give you time to put distance between you and the abuser. If you do not have transportation, arrange to be picked up by a church member, police officer, friend or family member.
Many victims of domestic violence may feel as if they are somehow to blame for the abuse they received. Victims will generally have a poor sense of self worth. There are many conflicting emotions wrapped up in a relationship and it is hard to understand how someone you love, and who professes to love you, could harm you. There are numerous women’s groups who will help, support and counsel you through the many emotions you will be feeling once you leave. It is important that you learn how to trust and confide your feelings to a friend, family member or counselor. These individuals can do much to help you cope with your past and present, as well as teach you skills to move on with your life.
If your life is in danger and you do not have time to make arrangements, you should leave everything behind and flee. You can call 1-800-799-SAFE from any telephone and they will help to direct you to safe places in your area.
ORDER OF PROTECTION
What is an Order of Protection?
An Order of Protection is a legal document that is issued by a judge to help protect you from someone that is abusing you.
What Will an Order of Protection Actually Do?
An Order of Protection that is issued by a judge can do much to limit an abuser’s behavior.
* The abuser can be ordered to leave a residence.
* The abuser can be ordered to stay away from your place of employment, your children’s school, your family and friend’s homes and other places you may frequent.
* The abuser can be ordered to not contact you. This can include letters, telephone calls, emails and leaving messages with friends and family.
* If the abuser violates any order put forth by the judge, he or she will be picked up by police and arrested.
* The only way to get the Order of Protection changed is for you to personally request it in court.
* Having an Order of Protection will give you high priority with the police if you call them in an emergency.
How Do I Get an Order of Protection?
You can get an Order of Protection against an abuser in Criminal Court or in Family Court. Most court houses will have an office that provides free legal aid to victims of domestic violence. The free legal aid is provided by attorneys and law students.
Criminal Court requires that an arrest must have been made regarding the abuse. Many times it is easier to get an Order of Protection through Family Court. If you do go through Family Court, this does not mean that your abuser will not be brought up for charges. Family Court is also the place where issues such as custody, visitation and child support is decided.
The first thing you will do is go the courthouse in your area and obtain the petition for an Order of Protection. It is important that you remember to bring identification for yourself, as well as your abuser. This can include your abuser’s photo, place of employment, tag and driver’s licence number and addresses and phone numbers of your abuser’s family and friends.
Next, you will have to fill out the petition. Ask questions if you do not understand what you are reading. You should include details about the abuse you are receiving. If you would like, you can contact a woman’s advocacy group or organization and an employee will come and help you fill out the information. You will need to sign the petition in front of the clerk.
A judge will then look over your petition and ask you questions if he or she feels inclined. Once the judge signs the petition, a copy will be delivered to the abuser via the local law enforcement. You should also keep at least two copies of the Order of Protection for your own records.
Your abuser has 30 days to request a hearing. If no request is made, your Order of Protection is generally valid for up to one year.
EMERGENCY CHECKLIST WHEN LEAVING
If you are planning to leave your abuser there are preparations you can take which will help to ensure that you and your children are not on the street with just the clothes on your back.
* As soon as safely possible, go to the bank and open an account that is just in your name. Any extra money you get should be placed in this account. If you cannot get to a bank, find a hiding place where you can store your money until you leave.
* Make copies of all-important documents and give them to someone for safe keeping. This documents should show proof of who you and your children are, as well as other papers of importance. These documents can include birth certificates, marriage certificates, insurance policies and cards, legal documents such as divorce papers, restraining orders or custody papers, social security cards, medical records, school records, drivers license, car titles, registrations and tag numbers, all loan papers, credit card numbers, green cards, and welfare cards/papers.
* Leave an extra set of house and automobile keys with someone you trust.
* Pack at least four weeks worth of medications for you and your children.
* Pack changes of clothing for you and your children.
* Pack an address book which lists all important names, addresses and telephone numbers.
* Pack money, credit cards, check books, debit cards, as well as small valuable items you can sell if your accounts get closed by the abuser.
* Pack comfort items for both you and your children.
* Take any letters or correspondence from your abuser, especially if his abuse is admitted in them.
* Try to have a cell phone. If you do not have a cell phone, have change (coins) or a calling card for emergency telephone calls.
* Think about a safe place where you and your children can go.
* Take pets with you or make other arrangements for them when you leave.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to safe places in your area where you can seek help.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE RAPED
Rape is a subject which many individuals may be hesitant to talk about but it is something that should be discussed. Many people may wonder what to do if they are raped. There are a few necessary steps which should be taken right after a rape has occurred for both the safety of the raped individual and for the purpose of seeing that justice is served. The following will provide a brief guideline as to what to do if you are raped.
Get to Safety As Soon As Possible
The main priority once a rape has occurred is for the rape victim to get to a safe place. This can be one’s home, the home of family or friends or a police station. Anywhere which promotes a safe environment, free from the rapist, is ideal for the rape victim. It is crucial that the rape victim take the necessary steps to get as far away as possible from their attacker.
Go Straight to the Hospital
Once the raped individual has gotten away from the attacker, the next step is to head directly to the nearest hospital. It is very important that the individual does not change their clothing or wash themselves so that evidence can be preserved. Once at the hospital, the medical health professionals will administer a rape test kit and treat any injuries which the rape victim may have sustained. The hospital staff will also provide information in relation to the topic of rape and what to do next.
Contact the Police
It is best to contact the police as soon as possible after the rape has been committed. This will make it more likely that the evidence can be examined in an expedient manner and that the rapist will be caught. If the individual has time, it is important to write down all facts surrounding the rape so that the police will have the best and most recent information to go by when trying to apprehend the rapist. Contacting the police will help to ensure that the rapist is caught, that person is prevented from raping others in the future and justice is served.
Pursue Counseling Options
The effects of rape are not something which disappear the next day. Rape is a crime which often has longstanding and serious effects on the rape victim. Therefore, pursuing counseling options after a rape has occurred is a wise option. Counseling can be obtained over the phone, in a personal counseling session or in a group counseling session. No matter which counseling option one chooses, each is helpful in its own way. It is really a personal choice as to which one seems to be most accommodating and comfortable for the raped individual.
MARITAL RAPE
Marital rape is a form of domestic violence. It makes no difference if the person who rapes you is your spouse. Rape by a spouse is still rape and it is illegal.
Researchers believe that marital rape does as much, if not more, traumatic damage to the victim than rape by a stranger. While any case of rape is traumatic, when the perpetrator is a trusted spouse, the effects of the rape go very deep. When rape caused by a spouse, the violation goes beyond a physical and sexual violation. It makes the victim question her own sense of judgement and value as a lovable individual.
Many women who are the victims of marital rape are raped repeatedly by their spouse. This leaves them to question if they have the right to report the rape, as it may appear that they condoned the rape, or that is was a part of sexual play.
Defining Marital Rape
It is sometimes difficult for a woman to define what takes place in her marital bed as rape. She may feel that since the rape is taking place by someone with whom she genuinely loves and interacts with on a daily basis, she may question whether it is truly rape. However, if a woman is being forced by her husband, manipulated or coerced into sex acts that she is not comfortable with, that is marital rape.
Marital Rape Can Occur in Many Different Forms
* Marital rape may be very violent and be accompanied by much physical abuse.
* An abuser may require that sex be a part of the “make-up†process after he has physically or emotionally abused his partner.
* Marital rape may consist of coercion where the man may physically hold his partner in a particular position during sexual intercourse so his partner cannot move.
* Marital rape can become very sadistic. This is when the spouse will force his partner to submit to acts which are meant to degrade and humiliate her.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to places in your area where you can seek help.
Spousal rape can cause the following mental and physical problems:
Vaginal and anal lacerations, soreness, bruising and torn muscles Broken bones, black eyes, knife wounds Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety, shock, depression, suicide Sleep Disorders, Eating Disorders, sexual dysfunction
Out of 900 randomly selected women, Diana Russell, author of Rape in Marriage, found that 3% of the women interviewed had been raped by a stranger and 8% raped by their husband.
A significant number of women in battered women’s shelters reported being sexually assaulted by their husband or partner.
10 to 14 percent of all married women and at least 40 percent of battered wives in the US have been raped by their husbands.