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"Here I am trying to live, or rather, I am trying to teach the death within me how to live." Jean Cocteau
Who am I? Many nouns describe me. The best one is Survivor. That noun took a lot of work to earn.
I grew up in a middle class family and from all appearances we had an ideal life. However, behind closed doors, domestic violence was a regular weekend occurrance. Father was a weekend drinker with a volatile temper while Mother had mental health challenges. She was stoic and a severe emotional abuser. Both were physical abusers to different degrees. I was fourteen the last time Father beat me while Mother watched. About two years later the DV and alcoholism stopped shortly after my only sibling was born.
"The taboo against talking about incest is stronger than the taboo against doing it." - Maria Sauzier, M.D
Simultaneously three relatives, all Mother's family, committed incest. This occurred from the age of three and continued until the age of seven. There was one random incident when I was ten. This is the last memory. The "secrets" were harbored until the age of twenty five. The first time I spoke of it was while undergoing therapy for PTSD. A date rape at the age of eighteen also went unreported because of the grooming endured in childhood. "Silence" training creates perpetual victimization.
For some the victimization/victim role can continue throughout life especially if the memories are suppressed and denial is the coping mechanism used by the victim. As an adult, I gravitated to what was familiar and endured domestic violence/sexual abuse in marriage. I divorced though it took courage to leave him. Several years later, a sexual sadist traumatized my life. This experience became the pivotal epiphany. It changed me from a victim to a survivor.
I have healed through the efforts of some very knowledgeable professionals. Ultimately, determination to feel healthy, to have a life worth living, lay the groundwork for recovery. The journey to heal has not been easy but certainly worth the work.
My goal is to empower others through knowledge, validation and encouragement. I am a self-proclaimed poet attempting to reach others in similar situations through poetry and blogging.
More importantly, linking with similar Myspace pages offering information on domestic violence, child abuse/incest and sexual assualts is an outreach effort. Perhaps those seeking answers or help will find what they need through the Myspace community before it is too late.
Please take a look at the photo albums as they are set up to tell a short story. Be forwarned, some images can trigger emotion.
And there is hope for healing and freedom.
Free Cursors