Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It uses persistent denials of fact which, as they build up over time, make the victim progressively anxious, confused, and less able to trust his or her own memory and perception. A variation of gaslighting, used as a form of harassment, is to subtly alter aspects of a victim's environment, thereby upsetting his or her peace of mind, sense of security, etc.
Read My Blogs for clinical, legal and personal expereinces from women who have lived with a Narcissistic abuser. Support is here - You are not alone!
BLOG TITLES:
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Thursday, December 13, 2007
Sticks and stones won’t break my bones but... WHAT YOU SAY REALLY HURTS!
October 11, 2007
biggest single health risk for Australian women is domestic violence
March 05, 2007
Talking to a Narcissist, no method of communication is going to work.
October 10, 2007
Parental alienation syndrome
March 05, 2007Coping with Your Abuser - Part II
Sometimes it looks hopeless. Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way – they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.
February 26, 2007
Surviving rape
Shame has kept many male sexual assault victims from speaking out—but that is changing
February 10, 2007
What Boys need to know about relartionship abuse
February 08, 2007
February 10, 2007 -What boys need to know about relationship abuse
February 10, 2007 -Liz Claiborne's Program for Teens - Love is NOT Abuse
February 08, 2007 -When domestic violence starts young
January 20, 2007 -HOW FAR WOULD YOU GO TO DENY YOUR ABUSE? Personal experiences of abused women.
. PLEASE WRITE YOUR PERSONAL INFORMAION HERE SO OTHERS MAY IDENTIFY
January 13, 2007 -Untold Stories - Are you AFRAID to ASK?
January 13, 2007 -Domestic Abuse HOW DOES IT EFFECT CHILDREN?
January 05, 2007 -Make Him Pay! What about Forgiveness?
January 05, 2007 -What kind of a spouse/mate/partner is likely to be attracted to a Narcissist?
January 01, 2007 -Domestic Violence IS A CRIME!
January 01, 2007 -Domestic Violence as a Cause of Traumatic Stress
December 26, 2006 -Help Prevent Domestic Violence. Be Part of the Solution
December 23, 2006 -I keep thinking I've misjudged him
December 21, 2006 -DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SURVIVAL KIT
December 18, 2006 - Live Chat and On-Line Support Group for Abuse!
December 16, 2006 -The Huge Hurt: Betrayal
December 13, 2006 Updated Dec 21st -How do a narcissist and his mother interact?
December 13, 2006 -Will your "N" Cheat On You Again?
December 13, 2006 -IS IT WRONG TO BE A VICTIM?
December 11, 2006 -What should you do if you are married to a narcissist and you want to preserve the marriage?
December 11, 2006 -DIVORCING THE NARCISSIST I am afraid he will turn the judge against me...
December 11, 2006 -You're busted - Business is booming for detectives who specialize in catching cheaters
December 4, 2006 -How to recognize a narcissist:
Never love anything that can't love you back
November 26, 2006 - I saw Daddy choke Mom and now he doesn't want me
November 26, 2006 - Intimate partner violence - What about the kids??
November 14, 2006 - Dealing With An Abuser During the Divorce
November 8, 2006 - A Narcissistic parent IS DANGEROUS TO THE CHILD
November 5, 2006 - He may deny your perceptions, memory and your very sanity.
November 1, 2006 - I morn the loss of what could have been...
November 1, 2006 - Understanding What He Does...
November 1, 2006 - Narcissist's Language
October 30, 2006 - You Wore My Bracelet
October 30, 2006 - Gaslighting and Reality - The Sex Addict
October 26, 2006 - Battered Woman's Syndrome
HERE'S PART OF NOVEMBER 1ST 2006...
"Eventually, you will come to the painful realization that you were nothing more than an instrument of their self gratification, then we're as easily discarded as a piece of gum that's lost its flavor."
"You are dealing with a totally delusional human being, who builds his own fantasies about his reality and believes his own pathological lies. How can you possibly hope to have a healthy relationship with someone who bases his whole existence on deceit? IMPOSSIBLE! And don't kid yourself - They know exactly what they are doing - They prey, victimize, and devastate."
HERE'S A BIT FROM DECEMBER 4TH 2006
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
(a) Just one -- but he has to wait for the whole world to revolve around him.
(b) None at all -- he hires menials for work that's beneath him.
Almost everyone has some narcissistic traits, but being conceited, argumentative, or selfish sometimes (or even all the time) doesn't amount to a personality disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a long-term pattern of abnormal thinking, feeling, and behavior in many different situations. The traits on this page will seem peculiar or disturbing when someone acts this way -- i.e., you will know that something is not right, and contact with narcissists may make you feel bad about yourself. It's not unusual for narcissists to be outstanding in their field of work. But these are the successful people who have a history of alienating colleagues, co-workers, employees, students, clients, and customers -- people go away mad or sad after close contact with narcissists.
The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. They will do this virtually in the same sentence, without even stopping to take a breath. It can be trivial (e.g., about what they want for lunch) or it can be serious (e.g., about whether or not they love you). When you ask them which one they mean, they'll deny ever saying the first one, though it may literally have been only seconds since they said it -- really, how could you think they'd ever have said that? You need to have your head examined! They will contradict FACTS. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they'll say you're lying, making stuff up, or are crazy. [At this point, if you're like me, you sort of panic and want to talk to anyone who will listen about what is going on: this is a healthy reaction; it's a reality check ("who's the crazy one here?"); that you're confused by the narcissist's contrariness, that you turn to another person to help you keep your bearings, that you know something is seriously wrong and worry that it might be you are all signs that you are not a narcissist]. NOTE: Normal people can behave irrationally under emotional stress -- be confused, deny things they know, get sort of paranoid, want to be babied when they're in pain. But normal people recover pretty much within an hour or two or a day or two, and, with normal people, your expressions of love and concern for their welfare will be taken to heart. They will be stabilized by your emotional and moral support. Not so with narcissists -- the surest way I know of to get a crushing blow to your heart is to tell a narcissist you love her or him. They will respond with a nasty power move, such as telling you to do things entirely their way or else be banished from them for ever.
SOUND FAMILIAR? WANT TO READ MORE... CHECK OUT MY BLOGS - I ADD TO THEM EVERY WEEK OR SO.
KEEPING YOUR KIDS SAFE - FIGHT FOR THERM NO MATER WHAT!
Learn about “Parental Alienation Syndromeâ€
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GASLIGHTING
(from Games Abusers Play at Cosmicwalk)
This term comes from a 40's movie called "Gaslight" about a man who plays mind games with his wife to convince her that she is losing her mind. It's a really simple game but an extremely effective way to gain mental control over someone because it causes them to question their own judgement and sense of reality.
Perhaps you suddenly start misplacing and losing things far more frequently than you ever have before. You are absolutely certain that you put the keys on the cupboard, but they're not there. It throws you off balance because you always put them on the cupboard and can't understand why you would have put them somewhere else. After much anxious searching, you finally find them in the most unlikely place. - Even now you have no recall of putting them there, perhaps you don't even remember entering this room after coming home.
This can happen to us sometimes, but gaslighting is when we did not misplace the keys in the first place. They were moved and we were made to believe that we had misplaced them.
Another example is that you start getting things wrong. You're supposed to meet darling bully at your favourite restaurant for dinner. You plan it well to make sure that you arrive exactly at 7pm as agreed. Now this can go a number of ways:
He is standing waiting and in a foul mood because you are so late, insisting that he told you to be there at 6:30. You are absolutely convinced that he said 7.
He is not there and you wait and wait. He finally arrives at 7:30, insisting that this is the time he told you to meet him. As with the prior situation, you are convinced he said 7.
He is not there and you wait and wait. Finally you get a call asking you where you are. He insists that he had told you to meet him at the other restaurant. You are convinced he said this one.
There are many variations on the theme and they can sometimes get quite elaborate, with various details built in to make it more certain that you were the one who misunderstood. The added detail adds plausibility to his version and makes it seem more likely that you are the one who got it wrong.
Gaslighting is a game tht can be played in a number of different ways and the key factor is that you begin to question yourself and feel as if you are losing your mind.
The initiator can do this to you for one of two reasons: because they find it entertaining to watch somebody getting distressed or because they are deliberately trying to make you and other people doubt yourself - and ultimately your sanity - as a strategic move.
The desired end result could be anything from simply having power over you to a deliberate preparation for a child custody battle.
I'd like to meet:
..
A POEM TO A NARCISSIST ABUSER
I cried every morning when you went out the door,
I didn't want you to see all the hers anymore.
You wiped the tears tenderly from my face,
and then you brought them one by one to our place.
You called me her name and told me I was hearing things,
You just couldn't stop mixing up the names of your flings.
You hit me and screamed until it was hazy,
You moved the furniture and lied to me until I felt crazy.
You sure didn't want me while you lived with me here,
Why do you stand outside at night and cause me such fear.
You take the outdoor light bulbs right out of the sockets,
You sneak in the house and leave things in my pockets.
It's all so dammed unbelievable to me,
That not one of our friends can even see.
How you've lied and snuck around to cover all your tracks,
And I pray that some day they understand all the facts.
The stories to cover broken bones and black eyes,
are nothing more than your masterful lies.
I pray everyday to the Goddess on bended knee,
So you'll never get away with what you’ve done to me!
Don?t cry to me.
If you loved me, you would be here with me.
You want me, come find me.
Make up your mind.Should?ve let you fall,
Lose it all,
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can?t keep believing,
We?re only deceiving ourselves,
And I?m sick of the lies,
And you?re too late.Don?t cry to me.
If you loved me, you would be here with me.
You want me, come find me.
Make up your mind.Couldn?t take the blame,
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you?re jaded,
You can?t play the victim this time.
And you're too late.You never call me when you?re sober,
You only want it ?cause it?s over - it?s over.How could I have burned paradise.
How could I, you were never mine?So, don?t cry to me.
If you loved me, you would be here with me.
Don?t lie to me, just get your things.
I've made up your mind.
In the introduction to the 25th Anniversary Edition of her book, Women and Madness, Phyliss Chesler, M.D. writes:
We now understand that women and men are not "crazy" or "defective"when, in response to trauma, they develop post traumatic symptoms,including insomnia, flashbacks, phobias, panic attacks, anxiety,depression, dissociation, a numbed toughness, amnesia, shame, guilt, self-loathing, self-mutilation, and social withdrawal.
We now understand more about what trauma is, and what it does. We
understand that chronic, hidden family/domestic violence is actually more, not less, traumatic than sudden violence at the hands of a stranger, or of an enemy during war. We understand that after even a single act of abuse, physical violence is only infrequently needed to keep one's victim in a constant state of terror, dependent on her captor and tormentor."
"The exposure of the False Self for what it is – False – is a major narcissistic injury. The narcissist is likely to react with severe self-deprecation and self-flagellation even to the point of suicidal ideation. This – on the inside. On the outside, he is likely to react aggressively. This is his way of channelling his life-threatening aggression. Rather than endure its assault and its frightening outcomes – he redirects the aggression, transforms it and hurls it at others. What form his aggression might assume is nigh impossible to predict without knowing the narcissist in question intimately. It could be anything from cynical humour, through brutal honesty, verbal abuse, passive aggressive behaviours (frustrating others) and down to actual physical violence."Myths about Narcissism – Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq72.html
"The narcissist is prone to magical thinking. He thinks about himself in terms of 'being chosen' or of 'having a destiny'. He believes that he has a 'direct line' to God, even, perversely, that God 'serves' him in certain junctions and conjunctures of his life, through divine intervention. He believes that his life is of such momentous importance, that it is micro-managed by God. The narcissist likes to play God to his human environment. In short, narcissism and religion go well together, because religion allows the narcissist to feel unique."
God, the Narcissist and Social Institutions – Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq47.html
CHARACTERISTICS of the NARCISSIST and others with Personality Disorders
1 Self-centered. His needs are paramount.
2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds
3. Unreliable, undependable.
4. Does not care about the consequences of his actions
5. Projects his faults on to others. High
blaming behavior; never his fault.
6. Little if any conscience.
7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.
8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.
9. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.
10. People are to be manipulated for his needs.
11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to his gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject or gets angry.
12. Pathological lying.
13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.
14. No real values. Mostly situational.
15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.
16. Angry, mercurial, moods.
17. Uses sex to control
18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.
19. Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.
20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.
21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities.
22. Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason.
23. Moody - switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.
24. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations.
25. Seldom expresses appreciation.
26. Grandiose. Convinced he knows more than others and is correct in all he does.
27. Lacks ability to see how he comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with his behavior. Never his fault.
28. Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.
29. He breaks woman's spirits to keep them dependent.
30.Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.
31. Sabotages partner. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.
32. Highly contradictory.
33. Convincing. Must convince people to side with him.
34. Hides his real self. Always “onâ€
35. Kind only if he's getting from you what he wants.
36. He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good.
37. He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks.
38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.
39. Controls money of others but spends freely on himself.
40. Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas"
41. Always feels misunderstood.
42. You feel miserable with this person. He drains you.
43. Does not listen because he does not care.
44. His feelings are discussed, not the partners.
45. Is not interested in problem-solving...
46. Very good at reading people, so he can manipulate them.
http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/characteristics.html
NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER TOPIC DISCUSSIONS
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd
There have been well over 12,000 individual discussions posted at the Suite 101 Narcissistic Personality Disorder Discussion site over the past 18 months. In the preparation of this document, we encountered victim's reports of attempted murders, physical assault requiring hospitalization, mental abuse requiring hospitalization and medication that span many years, severe financial loss and consequences, stalking, workplace bullying and harassment, sexual abuse, incest, vindictiveness in child custody court battles, repudiation of pension contracts, and non-payment
"The narcissist inflicts pain and abuse on others. He devalues Sources of Supply, callously and off-handedly abandons them, and discards people, places, partnerships, and friendships unhesitatingly. Sudden shifts between sadism and altruism, abuse and 'love', ignoring and caring, abandoning and clinging, viciousness and remorse, the harsh and the tender – are, perhaps, the most difficult to comprehend and to accept. These swings produce in people around the narcissist emotional insecurity, an eroded sense of self worth, fear, stress, and anxiety ('walking on eggshells'). Gradually, emotional paralysis ensues and they come to occupy the same emotional wasteland inhabited by the narcissist, his prisoners and hostages in more ways than one – and even when he is long out of their life."
Music:
NEW LYRICS FOR THE SONG - "IT'S OVER 'CUS SHE SAID SO"
Its over cuz you hit me. Only time was going to tell. I stayed quiet and waited for things to change – but my time was spent in hell.
You told me that you loved me - leaned over and kiss my face. But now I find out all the lies you’ve told our friends and the rest of the human race.
Its over cuz you hit me. Why can’t you get this single fact?
I gave you a second chance - No one else would ever ask you back after your selfish lack of tact! Writing a song called "It’s Over Cuz She Said So" is the meanest thing you’ve done. I can’t believe you’re clueless after the way you’ve made your fun.
Its over cuz you hit me. I never wanted it this way. You knew how much you hurt me but went through with it anyway. You turned around and burned it down I’m ashamed to be treated in this way. How could you do the things you’ve done and apologies never say.
Its over cuz you hit me. Only time was going to tell. To see if you’d ever do the things that would heal and make us well. I stayed quiet and I waited and I listened to your lies... but all I heard was more excuses and then you blackened both my eyes.
Movies:
Monty Python and the Holy Grail in LEGO Holy Grail Lego
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Television:
THE MOST COMMON THING HE'S GOING TO SAY ABOUT YOU
Negative Characterizations Generally Used by Abusers - They All Say The Same Things...
THAT YOU ARE HYSTERICAL AND THAT YOU ARE PROMISCUOUS. The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The abuser benefits to the detriment of his children if the court representative fails to look closely at the evidence - or ignores it - because of his charm. He also benefits when professionals believe that they can "just tell" who is lying and who is telling the truth, and so fail to adequately investigate.
narcissistic-abuse.com
You Think That You Are So Special...
You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his ex. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he? Sure, he said the same things to *her* when he got together with her (and then grew to hate so many things about her), but it's different with you. He couldn't possibly be operating from scripts anymore. And it's so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn't it? It's hard being on your own, building a career, managing a household, and doing it all yourself. All of a sudden, here's this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did. Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner. He couldn't possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that's where you are vulnerable. He couldn't be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it's part of his patterns. Just because he did that with the women that came before you, doesn't mean he's doing that with you. He's really sincere this time.
Want to read more? Go to Rising Up Out Of The Ashes BLOG:
IS YOUR NARCISSIST/ABUSER PLAYING YOU?
a list of His FAVORITE PHRASES
www.narcissistic-abuse.com/NPDQuotes.rtf
"you are my soul mate" or "this is fate"
"I'm sorry that you feel that way" (because I'm not taking responsibility for this)
"I'm always supportive of you..." (but when you're not around, and take the focus off of me, I have to find supply elsewhere, baby)
Cute nicknames: Baby, you are my honey, my sweetie, babe, dear... etc
"I'm a good husband / father and other women are envious and want to ruin that."
"Don't listen to her (when they get caught by someone) she's in love with me/ lying/ psycho..."
" I can't control how you feel "
"why do you interpret everything I say"
"I never said that," (when you repeat something from a prior conversation--sometimes just yesterday.)
"that never happened" (even when the proof is right there)
"Your hearing things"
"I told you that" or "that's what I told you"
"I would never lie to you"
"Listen to my words" (as he played his word games)
"I am a good man"
"Have I ever given you a reason to doubt me"
"I'm not that person"
"I would never do that to you"
"You're damaged from your last relationship
"You are never happy"
"No one can make you happy"
"I would never cheat on you - you're always suspicious"
"You never trusted me"
"Stop turning me into your last relationship"
"I never called you her name"
"I don't know what your talking about"
" Thoes aren't scratches on my back, your imagination is getting to you"
Books:
FOR ALL THE TIMES DRAW TO A CLOSE
WITH A MAGICKAL SEAL
AND A PEDAL OF A WEDDING ROSE
By Anonymous.
For all the times you took the jeep,for all the fights you faked to leave
For all the mustaches you brought to our world, and all the times you spoiled little girls
For all the bones that you broke with your hands,for all the tears
you caused with your bands
For all the times I listened to your songs,
for all the times it went terribly wrong
For all the times you looked at my face
and lied to me with your eloquent grace
For all the times you called me crazy,
for all the times you called me her name
For all the times you pushed and demeaned me,
and told the others I was to blame…
For all the times you screamed I didn’t support you,
and how you wanted it your way
For all the times you hurt and denied me,
because I wasn’t your first one that day
For all the fake reasons about condoms and lube,
and Hello Kitty toys that I hadn’t touched…
For all the times I begged you, Mr. Hamilton
But you didn’t love me that much!
For all the time you spent looking at porn
and for getting a car just like Joe's
For all the times you acted out in front of me
with the hers in our bed so I’d know
For all the months you spent unemployed
screaming how you weren’t my slave
For all the years I believed in you,
waited for you, pleaded you,
and that’s what put me to shame
For all the times you told me it was soap in your pocket
when you were obviously high
For all the times you told me it was a ruler
that left the marks that made me cry
For all the times I found my clothes stretched out and laying on the floor,
For all the times you told me you loved me
so I would keep coming back for more
For all the times you mislead your mother
to think I’m someone I’m not
For all the times you never said you were sorry,
even when you got caught
For Queenie, DebLynn and Kat and Jackilyn.
For Robin, Penny, Dannielle and Lorrie and Marilyn.
For clouds on the mirror
and it lasts longer if you don’t smoke it…
For all the times you made hurtful
horrible jokes of it
For all the time I kept faith in you,
for all the times you never came through
And for the memory of the look on your face
when the "big-one" remarks you pressed with great haste
For all the years I went without a ring,
and for the times you shouted I didn’t deserve a thing
For all the forgotten birthdays,
and mothers day and our Anniversary too
For all the days I spent crying over you!
For all the times you said you weren't that guy,
and all the time waiting for you to fix the lies
For all the times you took advantaged of me,
for all the times I really wanted to believe
For all the credit card bills that I paid,
for all the past girlfriends that you made
For all the times that you laughed at me,
for all the friends you brought to Starbucks coffee
For all the words written onto the wall
how you lied again and made me take the fall
For all the hours City Of Hero’s you did spend, and all the fights that it eventually lead
For everything you told our friends and family about it
and how you made it me the one who was doubted
For all the times the dog acted weird,
for all the times your son lived in fear
For all the calls on the telephone,
and t-mobile rings and her passed tests unknown
And for the girl who answered the telephone
during the Vegas trip that was taken when you weren't really alone
For all the things you just expected me to accept,
for all the times you told me it was in my head
For all the surprise parties you never gave,
and for all the special rose outings that never came
For all the marriage rites you never really wrote,
and for telling the councilor that you didn't invoke
For all the times you emailed without CC:
and for all the times you used it to blame me
For all the times you lied to people we know, and never even cared that you stooped that low
Oh ya –and for all the yellow rings around the drain
I’ll never have to clean up again’
And Mr. Hamilton, For all the times you didn’t keep our deal
and lied about me hearing things Or care how that would make me feel…
And For Indiana when you told me you loved me,
and then tricked me and kicked me and then tried to hug me
Now looking back at all you have done, how could you live with yourself for lashing out at your son
For all the times he laid in bed a scared witness
alone in the dark never being able to help us
No one coerced you to adopt him at 4, but you lie and manipulate and want him no more.
For all the times he saw you hit and choke me
how could you fake the hi-road by making up a new story
For all the emails and letters you wrote, even noting on your resume a proud father you gloat
FOR ALL THE TIMES DRAW TO A CLOSE,
WITH A MAGICKAL SEAL
AND A PEDAL OF A WEDDING ROSE
My wish for you, my Mr. Hamilton is three times back onto thee,
for every ounce of pain that you ever caused me!
While your guilt swells your stomach with the flair of your girds
May your ankh pay you back with YOUR VERY OWN WORDS!
As this pedal fell onto the floor,
I declare to the directions
-YOU ARE NO MORE!
I banish you, Hamilton - you never existed.
We were never married; the Goddess Athena has fixed it!
Now you will have to spend the rest of your life
– knowing what you did to those who loved you;
your only son and your wife.
On the full moon, of June 12th, the Magick was requested
that you would receive every single bit of the energy 'YOU' invested.
THE SEAL. So Mote it Be.
LAST CHANCE FOR EVERYTHING
don’t forget me when I'm gone
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE!
keep me from another of my lies
SO WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE WHAT THIS WILL COST
What's the point when I've already sold my soul for what this brings
WALK AWAY JUST WHEN YOU'RE NEEDED MOST...
Heroes:
HOW COULD THEY BELIEVE HIM? I'M NOT CRAZY...
What is Battered Woman's Syndrome?
By Lori S. Rubenstein, Attorney - Mediator
Published: July 17, 2004
To understand battered woman's syndrome, one must first understand how someone becomes a "battered woman". According to Dr. Lenore E. Walker, the nation's most prominent expert on battered women, a woman must experience at least two complete battering cycles before she can be labeled a "battered woman". The cycle has three distinct phases. First is the tension-building phase, followed by the explosion or acute battering incident, culminating in a calm, loving respite - often referred to as the honeymoon phase. Walker, L., The Battered Woman (1979).
It is also important to understand why battered women stay in abusive relationships. The Court in People v. Aris, 215 Cal App 3d 1194, 264 Cal Rptr 167, 178 (1989) stated that "battered women tend to stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons." Among those reasons: women are still positively reinforced during the honeymoon phase; women tend to be the peacekeepers in relationships - the ones responsible for making the marriage work; adverse economic consequences; it is more dangerous to leave than to stay; prior threats by batterer to kill self, or children; or to abscond with children; lost self-esteem; and no psychological energy to leave - resulting in a learned helplessness or psychological paralysis.
"Battered woman syndrome describes a pattern of psychological and behavioral symptoms found in women living in battering relationships." People v. Romero, 13 Cal Rptr 2d 332, 336 (Cal App 2d Dist. 1992); See Walker, L., The Battered Woman Syndrome (1984) p. 95-97. There are four general characteristics of the syndrome:
1. The woman believes that the violence was her fault.
2. The woman has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
3. The woman fears for her life and/or her children's lives.
4. The woman has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.
"Battered woman's syndrome is best understood as a subgroup of what the American Psychological Association defines as Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, rather than as a form of mental illness." IX New York Law School Journal of Human Rights "You've Come a Long Way, Baby: The Battered Woman's Syndrome Revisited" at 117-118; Walker, L., Terrifying Love: Why Battered Women Kill and How Society Responds (1989) at 48.
BATTERED WOMAN'S SYNDROME IN THE COURTS
Battered woman's syndrome has been used in criminal cases since the late 1970s. Experts must qualify to testify on this syndrome as they must in any other case. In the only reported Oregon case on battered woman (spouse) syndrome, State v. Moore, 72 Or App 454, 695 P2d 985 (1985), the expert was not qualified to discuss the syndrome because she had no college degree. ORE 702 states:
If scientific, technical or other specialized knowledge will assist the trier of fact to understand the evidence or to determine a fact in issue, a witness qualified as an expert by knowledge, skill, experience, training or education may testify thereto in the form of an opinion or otherwise.
"The court did not reject defendant's defense based on the battered spouse syndrome but ruled that the evidence offered through the counselor's testimony was too remote in relationship to the shooting to be probative of the defense." Id. at 987. Judge Newman, concurring with the majority, gives a lengthy discussion of the importance of battered spouse syndrome and its relevance to a claim of self-defense, stating that "numerous psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers now consider the battered spouse syndrome an accepted basis for identification, counseling and treatment....If a witness qualifies as an expert and a sufficient foundation is laid, evidence of the battered spouse syndrome should be admissible." Id. at 990. In determining relevancy, the court must first decide whether it has enough evidence to decide whether the person was in fact a battered woman. Fennell v. Goolsby, 630 F Supp 45 (E.D. Pa. 1985)
It should be noted that the Moore case supra was decided in 1985. In the years since, numerous studies, articles, court cases and legislation concerning domestic violence and battered woman's syndrome have been introduced to our system of jurisprudence. To date 31 states and the District of Columbia have allowed use of expert testimony on the syndrome and five have acknowledged its validity, but held it inadmissible based on the facts of the particular case. Bechtel v. State, 840 P2d 1 (Okl Cr 1992). In Bechtel, two experts acknowledged that battered woman's syndrome is considered a sub-category of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder which is generally accepted and listed in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 3-R; "but it is not a mental disease in the context of insanity". Bechtel, 840 P2d at 7.
Although a few cases concerning battered woman's syndrome were heard in the late 1970's, the true watershed case was State v. Kelly, 478 A2d 364 (1985). Kelly stated that the battered woman syndrome, hereinafter referred to as "BWS", is admissible to aid juries in assessing a defendant's perception of danger posed by the abuser. "Evidence of BWS not only explains how a battered woman might think, react or behave, it also places the behavior in an understandable light." Romero supra p.1, 13 Cal Rptr 2d at 341.
The Court in Arcoren v. U.S., supra p.1, 929 F2d at 1241 rejected Arcoren's argument that the expert's testimony re BWS should be limited to cases where it was offered to support a claim of self-defense. Battered woman's syndrome has recently been used in juvenile, divorce and custody actions. In the Matter of Glen G. and Josephline G., 587 NYS 2d 464, 469 (1992) the expert described BWS as "a breaking down of a woman's self confidence and self respect to a point where she no longer knows if she is crazy or not." BWS was used to show that the mother did not have actual ability to intervene to protect her child from the father's sexual abuse. This year, in a Connecticut custody action, Knock v. Knock, 224 Conn. 776, 621 A2d 267 (1993) BWS was found to be relevant to a determination of custody. The court held that the presence of battery in the household has, at a minimum, some effect on the parenting skill of both spouses and the child's response to the parent even after their separation. "It is clear that the trial court considered battered woman's syndrome...as a factor in its custody determination....in addition to other corroborating evidence,...to determine whether defendant was a battered woman. [The Court] allowed [the expert] to testify as to battered woman's syndrome and the effects of battering upon the victim and any children involved, and to give his opinion that the defendant manifested battered woman's syndrome." Id. at 274.
Expert testimony concerning battered woman's syndrome, permitted in 31 states, is still a rather new area of the law. Although the trend in criminal cases clearly permits and even encourages such testimony, only a few civil cases have been reported. In these civil-law cases, BWS has been used by the court in determining a mother's state of mind and why her actions or non-actions were consistent with the syndrome. See closing memorandum for arguments con-cerning the use of BWS in the case at bar. In examining the victim's fitness for custody, the "task for judges is to determine which parent is most likely to provide the child with a healthy, caring nonviolent home". The Judges Journal, "What Therapists See That Judges May Miss", Crites, L., and Coker, D. (Spring 1988) p.43. Discussing the battered woman's emotional state, The Judges Journal article asserts that "[u]nlike her abusive partner, most abused women do not repeat the abuse experience in a second relationship." [Only about 10% do experience violence in future relationships.] "While experiencing the abuse, the woman's emotional state is sometimes marked by depression, somatic concerns, anxiety and passivity. These symptoms, however, are most often linked to the relationship and lessen once she removes herself from the abuse....An abused woman also has to overcome feeling inadequate, crazy, or stupid - something akin to brainwashing - as a result of having been repeatedly told she was these things while in the relationship." Id. at 13.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HARMS CHILDREN AND SHOULD BE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED IN CUSTODY CASES
A number of judicial and legal sources have supported the recommendation that no custody decision be made without taking domestic violence into consi-deration. In 32 states, domestic violence is to be considered in custody cases and in eight of those states, there is a presumption against awarding custody to the abuser. In Oregon, ORS 107.137 is controlling:
(1) In determining custody of a minor child...the court shall give primary consideration to the best interests and welfare of the child. In determining the best interests and welfare of the child, the court may consider the following relevant factors:
(a) The emotional ties between the child and other family members;
(b) The interest of the parties in and attitude toward the child;
(c) The desirability of continuing an existing relationship; and
(d) The abuse of one parent by the other.
(2) The best interests and welfare of the child in a custody matter shall not be determined by isolating any one of the relevant factors [above]....
Viewing domestic violence negatively affects the children and all the studies find that placing or keeping children with an abuser is not in their best interest. The Judges Journal article, supra p.4, contains a lengthy and extremely thorough thesis on the effects of abuse on children. "Research has shown that spouse abuse typically does not stem from a relationship problem but arises instead from the man's emotional insecurities, low self-esteem and from a history of abusive behavior seen in his childhood." p. 12; see also Star, Family Services Association of America "Helping the Abuser: Intervening Effectively in Family Violence" pp. 34-35 (1983)
In a 1982 custody challenge, Defendant relied on a statute which, inter alia, provided that the court shall not consider conduct if it does not affect his relationship with the child. The Court in Williams v. Williams, 104 Ill App 3d 16, 432 NE 2d 375 (1982) stated, "Does this statutory provision relegate a wanton and brutal beating by the father of a child's mother to be an act of no significance when determining which parent shall be granted custody? We believe not, for the [Illinois] Act further provides that the court shall determine custody in accordance with the best interests of the child." 432 NE 2d at 376.
How does domestic violence affect children? An authoritative study on domestic violence, Children of Battered Women by Jaffe, P., Wolfe, D., and Wilson, S., (1990) states that children who witness parental violence but are not hit themselves evidence behavioral, somatic and emotional problems similar to those experienced by physically abused children and that in addition to immediate trauma, children who witness such violence suffer from Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome later in life. According to both Children of Battered Women and The Judges Journal, supra p.4 at 11, 14 out of 16 studies state that witnessing violence between parents is a more consistent predictor of future violence than being a victim of child abuse. These children learn that such behavior is acceptable and approved of by their most important role models. They see short term reinforcement/compliance by the victim. They learn to use coercive power as a way to influence loved ones without being exposed to more constructive alternatives. As they get older, boys tend to identify with the aggressor, lose respect for mother and/or experience guilt for not being able to protect her.
EVALUATING PARENTS WHEN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A FACTOR IN CUSTODY CASES
Psychological studies have revealed three fundamental, interrelated reasons why a battered woman is likely to be a better custodian than her abusive mate:
1. A wife-beater's violence damages the emotional health of the couple's children.
2. Placing the child with the batterer perpetuates the cycle of violence by exposing the child to an environment in which violence is acceptable behavior.
3. Mother probably has better parenting skills because she is more likely to have been the children's primary parent.
Custody Litigation on Behalf of Battered Women, National Center on Women and Family Law, Sun, M., and Thomas, E. (1987) Since abusive men are more likely than abused women to continue abuse in a future relationship, it is important not to assume that abuse will not continue. Again, The Judges Journal supra p. 4 at 12, gives insight to the abuser. The article states that in order to get adequate help for his abusiveness, the batterer must go through a two step process: (1) Experience negative consequences for the behavior and (2) undergo specialized spouse abuse counseling. The article cautions that if drugs or alcohol are involved, the abuser must be successfully treated for the drug/alcohol abuse. In order to successfully abstain from abuse, the abuser must, through counseling, accept, understand and believe the following five concepts:
1. Accept responsibility for the abuse.
2. Understand the use of abuse to maintain control of partner.
3. Understand the level of emotional dependency on the part of abuser.
4. Have the ability to recognize low levels of anger and to use anger management techniques.
5. Have empathy for the victim.
In a case similar to the case at bar, it was held that domestic violence during the marriage justified removal of son from father's custody pursuant to a modification action, even though father acknowledged his problems and was participating in therapy. Valenti v. Montgomery, No. 1615 Pittsburg, 1991, Superior Court of Pa., Pittsburg District. In another unreported case, In Re Marriage of Virginia Hill nka Virginia Hayes v. Gary Hill, No. 86-0399, App. Ct. Ill., (1st Dist. 1987), the Court granted modification of a consent decree to change custody from father to mother. The court found that change of circumstance relates to "change as previously shown to the court". In this case, the children were well behaved, doing well in school, and Mr. Hill was an exceptional housekeeper. However, mother was able to show that consent decree was signed five years ago under duress and that father beat her during the marriage and used inappropriate discipline with the children.
Part of a 1993 Trial Memorandum prepared by Lori S. Rubenstein. Legal Research has not been updated.
FROM MY EXPEREINCE
If you have an older more experienced judge they will be clued into this behavior. Experienced mediators appointed by the court will see the signs too – but it won't help much, remember they don’t know who to believe. You must express yourself intelligently and calmly at all costs. People have seen you react… he has manipulated situations and lied about you behind your back for years and he HAS made you to look crazy! He has the advantage of the time you stayed quiet and prayed for help.
He’s a fast talker and he is miles ahead of you. Even your friends and family will have skewed pictureof what they THINK they saw… they saw YOU reacting to HIS manipulation, but they don't know what he did - they only know they saw you hystarical. You HAVE lost credibility.
It’s time to detail what went on behind the scenes. Paint an honest and true picture of what he did to you and your children. But be careful - never exaggerate. Everyone will be more critical of your behavior and feel sorry for your “Nâ€. He is living with a crazy person after all. Move forward under this assumption. He has worked it that way. Don’t expect him to ever tell the truth – it is not in his nature… he can’t! So he will never admit to hurting and tricking you. At leased not to anyone else but you! "You fell down the stairs… You came after him and he stepped out of the way… You slipped and fell… A football hit you in the face… He tried to help you..."
They have seen you act crazy because he tricked you to feel crazy. You have reacted to his abuse - they didn't see or hear what he did - it is strategic. He is smart. He has been working you behind the scenes. He's an expert. He is “On Purpose†creating situations you will react to because HE IS TRYING TO DISCRETE YOU. He knows you – he knows how to hurt you – he knows how to make you react and he HAS ALREADY PLANNED HIS STORY TO YOUR FRIENDS. He is setting you up.
It is easier for anyone to hold onto what they think they saw with his explanation then to understand the extent of his cruel thoughtless gas lighting behaviors. Look how long it to YOU to see it and get help. Have some pity on your friends – he is fooling them too! It is his way – and he’s good at it! He will lie and contradict himself and cover that up with another lie. You remember – he did it to you for years…
Never trust what he is saying – Never believe him. He is always working behind the scenes. He is not safe and he is not safe for your children. Let your children know that he is sick, maybe even he can’t help it – but he will not stop and he can not be trusted! HE LOVES NO ONE
Remember mom– your children are the most important – keep them safe at all costs. ALL COSTS! Your “N†has no conscience and has shown you already that he will stop at nothing to be in control all while he convinces the rest of the world he is the victim. Educate your attorney. Educate your family... and GET OUT.
HE WILL NEVER CHANGE!
..
Survivor.(Verse 1)
Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better,
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
But I'm stronger,
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
But I'm richer,
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder,
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
Now I'm wiser,
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
But I'm smarter,
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,
Sold nine million.[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).(Verse 2)
Thought I couldn't breathe without you,
I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without you,
Perfect vision,
You thought I couldn't last without ya,
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya,
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without ya,
But I'm on top,
Though it would be over by now,
But it won't stop,
You thought that I would self-destruct,
But I'm still here,
Even in my years to come,
I'm still gon' be here.
(Bridge)
I'm wishin' you the best,
Pray that you are blessed,
Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna lie on you or your family, yo,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna hate you in the magazine,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna compromise my Christianity,
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the Internet
Cause my momma told me better than that.
(Oh)
Oh
(Oh)
Oh
(Oh)
Oh
(Oh)After all of the darkness and sadness,
Still comes happiness,
If I surround myself with positive things,
I'll gain prosperity.
"The narcissist admits to a problem only when abandoned, destitute, and devastated. He feels that he doesn't want any more of this. He wants to change. And there often are signs that he IS changing. And then it fades. He reverts to old form. The 'progress' he made evaporates virtually overnight. Many narcissists report the same process of progression followed by recidivist remission and many therapists refuse to treat narcissists because of the Sisyphean frustration involved."
Self-Awareness and Healing – Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/2.html
When you love someone and your trapped by the insanity, you act insane.
For a person who is honest you expect others to think the same way or to have the conscious that you have and right their wrong. You want to believe in them so badly – almost not admitting to yourself that YOU made the mistake of believing that he loved you. He didn’t and the abuse starts right when your admiration for him begins to get old. He has you – now he needs more… more from someone else. That’s one of the reasons Real “Nâ€s are sex addicts, porn addicts, cheaters and end up with several children from several women. To self-absorbed and vain to even wear a condom.
When you find that you have been fooled, and lied to not only recently – but expose years of deceit – its Devastating… Demoralizing… Paralyzing. I told no one… for years! I didn’t want to believe it myself. He couldn’t have said those things… he couldn’t have slept with her… he didn’t mean to get that angry… he would never hit me again… an easy target for gas lighting.
After years of verbal abuse, cheating on me and all the Gas lighting and lies my situation escalated into the worst couple of year of physical violence and abuse possible. I was so ashamed that my love had gone so terribly wrong. I told no one. I prayed he would see what he was doing and love me... love me again like I thought he had at the beginning – before I found out I was being fooled. I tried to go along with things he wanted to do so he would stop cheating on me. So he would at least include me. So he would stop screaming at me. So he would stop hitting me... I reacted hysterically and experienced signs of post traumatic stress. I doubted myself, I doubted my self-worth, I wanted to believe I was crazy instead of believe I wasn’t loved. All this time I wasn’t loved. He was never mine… But finally after several broken bones and our son showing signs of reacting to being verbally abused and witnessing what he did to me... I couldn't hide his abuse anymore. Family members intervened and asked us to get help. He moved out, and then… he started to get better... after a year and several months unemployed he had found a job... he was in an abuse group... He was charming... he was sorry... he moved home... 'HE WAS FOOLING ME'!
As quickly as he had won my favor again he was right back to where we were over a year ago. It took him only 5 months to loose his job again, and put us right back into the same situation I thought we were healing from. Now I realize it was just the narcissistic way of gaining more time to invent more stories.. and convince his mother and all our friends it was all my fault. He tells them I broke my arm when I 'fell' down the stairs. He tells them I was the crazy one. And they heard me ranting… and they saw me crying and not one ever stopped and asked why and it hurts me to know that his mother really believes it. He stopped counseling and immediately regress back to his abusive behaviors. I lasted another 4 months until I was awake enough to see the pain develop in your young child’s face…I asked him to leave. He left for good and moved back in with his mother. He tells people he was framed by a crazy woman... he tells me he had to lie because he had no where else to go… he tells lies from necessity…
Narcissistic abusers lie out of survival. Contradict themselves constantly, and are noted for being some of the most charming, smart and talented individuals on earth. They only see the moment – and how it serves them NOW. Immediate gratification. Never considering the long term hurt they cause. They tend to abandoned the people that catch on and are discarded by people they try to continue to control. Divorced or carrying a list of women from their past who were all crazy…
But soon you will join that group, at first it may seem as a negative, but when you gain the courage to investigate, seek out those people in his past you will be welcomed with open arms. Those educated people who have experienced his abuse will love you, because its not your fault – you were only one more on his list of victims. They will tell you it’s who the “N†is - they can not change. NOW you must rise up and walk out of the ashes he has caused from everything he has burned down. And remember – you WILL be alright in the end. If you’re not alright – it’s not the end!And then, from the other side you can remember… They are experts and the facade is generated so naturally, forcefully and convincingly – how could I hold anything against your friends and family who believe his ridiculous stories of rationalization. Spread the word… do not stay silent and be ready to help fellow victims. Only through education can we speak out. Only through helping ourselves can we help others. Through helping others we gain a greater understanding and heal ourselves.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I pray for HER!
his new someone else...
and reaching out to help others
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