Mike Way

I'd like to meet:

BILL BURR. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder as an adult than I did the first time I heard “Emotionally Unavailable”. Actually got to meet him this year, was relieved to find he’s as cool as he is funny. What I’m basically saying is Bill Burr can have the virginity of my firstborn child. That’d be a fun talk

“…Don’t you argue with your father! Would Daddy offer you up if it weren’t important? Whatever Mr. Bill wants, Mr. Bill gets, now get in there and take it like a man! We’ll get some ice cream later…”

To my unborn, unconceived son: if you should happen to read this somehow, I hope if you take one lesson from this passage, it’s never to trust your father, he has terrible terrible judgment…).

CHRIS ROCK. Chris Rock actually makes me look around while I’m laughing, am never sure if I want to be seen enjoying his jokes as much as I do. He so ruthless, especially when talking about relationships, has to be one of the worst comics to watch with a girlfriend or date, which means you absolutely must do it. Am not sure if I want to meet him though, I like the man so much, would probably just blow smoke up his ass until it became irreconcilably uncomfortable…

“Hey Chris Rock! Hey man, I love your work!”
"Thanks.”
“No, man, I mean it’s really amazing, you crack me up big time!”
“Thanks, thanks a lot.”
“….”
“….”
"So, are you a Skins fan?”
“Not really.”
“Oh, that figures, you’re probably a Giants fan, right?”
“Actually, I don’t really get into football that much.”
“Oh. Ok. Well… do you think I could open for you sometime?”
“I already have a guy I use.”
“Oh. Ok, that makes sense. Well, I had to ask, right?”
“Right.”
“Cool.”
“…”
“Well, it was good meeting you.”
“Yeah”.

JERRY SEINFELD. If his writing were any more efficient, it’d be on a Volkswagen. His material is immaculately written and seamlessly tailored together. My brother and I saw him live at the Kennedy Center, He did 75 minutes and there was a 20 minute window in the middle where I physically could not laugh anymore. I just sat there motionless, recovering, while my brain nodded in silent approval

“That’s funny. Damn, that’s funny too. Another one. Yes. Quality. Indeed. Holy crap, I should not be let anywhere near a stage…”

TOMMY DAVIDSON was the first comic I ever saw live; for an hour and a half after the show it hurt not to smile. I was riding the subway home, people must’ve thought I had a bomb for sure, sitting there grinning like the Joker, muttering to myself

“They just don’t know…they just don’t get it… guy’s going to blow up all over again.”

DAVE CHAPELLE If somebody told me he puts ice cream in his ass crack to stay alert while writing, I’d probably start doing it too, I don’t care how gay it sounds, I’d be like “does he use sprinkles? The rainbow ones or the black and whites?”

PEYTON MANNING or whoever his writer is. I’m not gonna lie, I laugh from the gut every single time I see that United Way skit from SNL or any of the MasterCard commercials, I have to know if this guy is as cool in person or not. There’s no doubt in my mind Tom Brady is a jerk (how does one manage to do the humble-pie routine at a press conference and come out as more smug? What is with me and humble-pie today?), would like to have the same clarity one way or another about Peyton Manning.

For the record there’s also no doubt in my mind Tom Brady could knock me out in about 12 seconds (It wouldn’t even be a conventional knock out, he’d shake my hand and surprise me with that head butt thing he does before and after games. The worst part is afterward he’d tell people he knocked me out quickly out of respect because he thinks I’m very capable and knows I can do damage at any time…), so in the interest of avoiding said knock-out, I’m gonna wrap up my comments right there.

There, that’s all the energy I have to sweat people right now, if anyone out there happens to run into my pride and dignity, please tell them I love them and to come home as soon as possible…

Music:

Movies:

Anything by Steven Spielberg, Stanley Kubrick, Martin Scorcese, Clint Eastwood, or Michael Mann. I will see those guys’ film even if and when friends and/or critics emphatically tell me the movie blows. I saw the Terminal, Eyes Wide Shut, Gangs of New York, Blood Work, and Miami Vice all on the first weekend, loved them all. Yeah, it’s that serious. Peter Jackson and M.Night Shyamalan are pretty money too, although my internal geek-meter goes off like a gieger counter on 3-mile Island whenever I try to talk about one of their movies (is there a cool way to broach the subjects of Minas Tirith, a 40 foot ape fighting a T-Rex or a security guard who turns out to be a superhero? My answer is sadly no, but it’s valiant to try anyway). Am fanatical about George Romero’s zombie movies, hope to make some of my own one day (go ahead, snicker, I don’t care, they’re only my dreams… what have you done anyway?… go to hell… I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to snap at you, you don’t deserve that… are, are we cool?).

Television:

Don’t get to spend enough regular evenings at home to have a show that is “my show”. Have mad respect for “The Office” but have only seen one episode (somebody’s impressionable). Recently got turned on to “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, love that show, watching people yell at Larry David is one of life’s great joys, that’s got to be at least number 3 on a list of “5 reasons to come to America”. Used to like 24 but that show officially blows now, am taking next season off (watch it be good next season just because I said that). Other than that I’m partial to “The Daily Show” “Scrubs” “Sportscenter” and “Inside the NFL” (who doesn’t like the slow motion clips by NFL Films?)

Books:

Books: Not so much. Have been reading a biography of Abraham Lincoln for the last five months, but seemed to have stalled around the first Battle of Manassas, keep getting sidetracked by Bloom County comic strips. Give it up for literacy!

Heroes:

Stevie Wonder. You are a bad man when you are disabled and people still want to be you. If Faust was willing to trade his soul for knowledge, then giving up sight in exchange for the kind of success Stevie has doesn’t seem like such a bad deal. I’m not saying I would trade, but I would definitely think about it for a second (I’m just kidding God. God? I’m serious, that was a joke, stop playing… why's it getting so dark in here? Wait!). I want to try to earn as many Grammy’s as Stevie, get so many so I start doing ignorant stuff with them “...this one’s my ashtray, this one’s my gum depository, this one I use as a paperweight for all my Quizno’s receipts, and this one I throw at the wall when my girl pisses me off…” Just playing guys, I would never throw anything at my girl or any woman for that matter. This is the 21st century; girls are throwing stuff back, only they don’t realize we were trying to miss, and I think some of them are on the juice. That’d be embarrassing as hell, getting popped with your own award… “Damn baby, it was just for dramatic effect! You the one that pissed me off, now my sh*t’s all dinged up. I got to go up on stage like this, ain’t this a b*tch…You messin’ up girl, I’m a star now, we ain’t gonna be having all this ‘throwing back’ sh*t…”. Anyway, Stevie’s the man.