Profile updated May. 17, 2008.I may lie. I may tell the truth, even if the truth is awful. I like to sleep as often as I can to escape into the world of dreams and flee the boredom of reality. When dreams mirror reality, I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and stay that way for the entire day. I drink good beer with enthusiasm and gusto, my favorites are Old Speckled Hen and good Weissebiers like Hacker-Pschorr and Franziskaner . I tend to become ill on the slightest pretext. I dream of travelling alone and passing myself off as a Moroccan spy, a Parisian dic-jockey or, at least, a Canadian. I enjoy most scatalogical references, ribald humor and banned books.I enjoy biting my fingernails, so this habit reminds me to keep my hands clean; I always wash my hands after urinating or wiping feces from my sphincter, although I probably haven't actually managed to get feces on my fingers... it's just a precaution. I use paper towels to touch faucetry and doorknobs in public restrooms. I tend to flood the bathroom every time I take a shower. I once passsed the opportunity to reunite with someone I love to spend two weeks in the desert in search of some elusive truth; near where they film the commercials for Marlborough cigarettes, Jeep Wranglers, and around where Thelma and Louise drove their car over a cliff. There I help build an outhouse for a Navajo medicine woman's magical full-moon ceremony. I've written many letters but have managed to send few of them because I have a phobia regarding visits to the post office: just thinking about stamps brings the hallucinatory aftertaste of envelope licks and stamp-glue to my tongue. I hate babies and children -- not so much as to do them actual harm, but enough to avoid them whenever possible. I suffer poor circulation of the feet in winter. I pluck excess hair from my testicles once a month. I was once profoundly interested in ancient history. I am intrigued by all forms of mechanical magic and every advancement of technology. I play several musical instruments, all ineptly. I find the color blue offensive, especially in the pastel shades. The blue pigments are, however, the most durable of dyes and minerals. I light cigarettes from candle-flames, burning logs, stove tops, and small bonfires -- sometimes holding the cigarette in my mouth and thereby burning the shock of hair dangling in front of my eyes. I really don't care what my hair looks like... short, long, kempt or unkempt; I find that "hair-proud" people are shallow and annoying. I enjoy watching people reactions to different hair-lengths. I hate zoos because they are jails for creatures who have comitted no crime. I enjoy signing my name to any document for the sheer excitement of seeing my own signature appear under my hand, this has contributed to my problem of excessive debt. I tend to doodle little demons on napkins and notepaper. I tend to procrastinate until it is "too late" according to somebody else's opinion. I also tend to sabotage myself in other ways as a test of my own mettle. I like Jimi Hendrix, and saw Stevie Ray Vaughn in concert several times -- I forget how many. More than five? I believe that Vermeer was actually a woman and that the Woman in the Red Hat and Woman witha Pearl Earring were self-portraits. I eat ice cream despite the fact that I am lactose intolerant, this invariably produces loud shits and excessive farting. I go to sleep with the radio or television on. Washing plastic cups, bowls and/or other plastic containers or cooking utensils is one of my least favorite tasks. I'd rather wash glass, metal or ceramic. Plastic never seems to become clean -- and this is an annoyance I once informally discussed with a Rabbi. He informed me that he didn't advise his [tabernacle? parish? congregation or whatever Rabbis have] to use plastic in the preparation of Kosher food for this reason, although most Rabbis don't have a problem with plastic. If you have a Rabbi, please check on that before investing in Tupperware. In my formative years I visited many different houses of worship. At a Methodist service I was served grape Hi-C in a plastic cup and a stale cracker; I threw up in the parking lot. The longest stream of projectile vomit that I've ever produced (roughly eleven feet long) was after eating authentic Japanese food that involved what may have been a raw pig-eye in lukewarm custard sauce. I once tried to commit suicide by sheer willpower and believe I may have been successful if someone had not knocked on my door. I enjoy the company of schizophrenics, homosexuals and cats. I like licorice, especially the Dutch kind that tastes like nothing that ought to be enjoyed by anyone on earth. I have been known to open packages, and trim both wire & my own toenails with my teeth. My teeth were badly chipped because of this and stained from a constant influx of cigarette smoke and coffee. I owe my dentist $1200.00. I tout my Dutch-Saxon ancestry more than my Franco-Roman ancestry because Netherlanders are usually so tolerant... to a fault. My favorite Dutch newspapers are the Volkskrant and the Telegraf. I am excited by theories of sympathetic magic because I believe that cauliflower is actually good for the brain and oysters are beneficial to the production of testosterone. I could be wrong about that. I believe that modern varieties of neopaganism should invent gods for every element in the periodic table. Bikers with fancy-pants motorcycles would worship the demon Chromium; manic depressives would hail the goddess Lithium. My favorite punctuation marks are the semi-colon and the n-dash. The funniest punctuation mark is, of course: the colon. I believe that breakfast the most important meal of the day: crunchy sprouted-grain toast slathered with butter, hot runny eggs with liberal sprinklings of crushed pepper, moist buckwheat pancakes with maple syrup and fruit confits, hot oatmeal with bananas, raisins, honey, pecans and shredded wheat; strong coffee with heavy cream and honey or
brown sugar. Making lists bores me. I admire small black-haired women, tall blond ones and portly redheads. I hate snow but choose to live in a snowy climate. I want to be cremated because excarnation is prohibited in North America. I know that the greatest mistakes of my life have already been made. I once played a game of Trivial Pursuit with an ax-murderer, a fellow who bashed his father's head in with a 2x4'' and a fellow with a plate on his head who liked to pound on the plate to hear the hollow sound: I let them win. Crude humor makes me laugh. I smoke heavily to surround myself in a grey white haze that repels the company of overly-sensitive types. I enjoy cucumber and tomato sandwiches with cucumber sliced very finely and the tomato laden with fresh mayonaise. I eat rare beef and well-done pork. I've queried Pythagoras, Plato and the Pre-Socratics. I love seaside amusements: boardwalks, tattoo parlors, games of chance, dunk the clown, shoot the star, dart the balloon, cold beer,
salty air, steamed clams with hot-sauce and ski-ball. I've read the entire New Testament except for the stuff by Saul and am vexed by the contradictions therein. I believe that religion is a byproduct of political propaganda but am
fond and intrigued by the tenets and mythos of Zoroastrianism. My favorite favorite Old Testament books are Ecclesiastes and the Song of Solomon. My least favorite are the ones about baby-killing patriarchs like Joshua and Jerahmiah -- the next time some clueless idiot asks "why do 'they' hate 'us?'" have 'em read that bloody mess (if they know how to read), that should explain everything. Personally, I cannot wait until evolution makes good and this human penchant worshipping some snake-headed, hairy desert anthropomorphic deity comes to an end -- I wouldn't want to shake the hand that shook the hand that wiped the can of Abraham. I enjoy pouring over maps of places I may never see and would be immediately oriented if dropped off in the center of Tokyo, Kuala Lumpur or the Pitcarin Islands. I've burnt all my bridges. I would enjoy more X-rated films if X-rated films didn't tend to debase women and put the performers at risk of viral infection. I need to retain the ability to flee at any moment, otherwise I am unhappy and insecure. I once kept dogfood in my car in case I had to make a quick escape with my canine companion. I believe that Death wears a Mexican wrestler's mask and is always three feet behind my left shoulder (except when I look in that direction). I sometimes wear a ring made of Tibetan coral -- coral that is found on the most elevated desert on earth, it is a talisman that reminds me of the insignificant and temporal nature of all things. I am either an athiest or postmodern pantheist, depending on my mood. I have exceptionally good hearing, it's almost a super-power, but my ears produce pathological cerumen that may be as hard as a pebble. I am occasionally sadistic, a trait inherited from my father and his father before him who was a Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan. Three of his daughters burned his hood and robes upon his death. My mother was a burlesque stripper in the early-to-mid 1950's known as "Hi-Steppin' Stella." Her father would castrate goats with his teeth and allowed a man he called "Nigger Joe" to stay on his farm in exchange for food and unpaid labor. I mention this to remind us how fast sweeping social change may revise the landscape of our paradigms and politics. The middle name of my matriarcal grandfather was "Seward" and he looked like William Seward Burroughs. His daughter had three other children besides me, I believe that I am the only survivor of her litter. Yes, I've heard of "paragraphs" -- I've also heard of freeform prose. I feel and look healthier as a vegetarian, but I believe that the secret to cooking a nice steak is dependent on a crispy brown caramelization over the entire cut of meat with an interior that still drips red blood, however I believe that pizza may be the most perfect food ever invented by humans -- with anchovies, of course.
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