The Onion profile picture

The Onion

Tu stultus es.

About Me


To the MySpace user,
Though The Onion is ordinarily loathe to have any sort of portal allowing our diseased and ululating readers the option of direct contact with us, we have reluctantly conceded to author this Inter-net document to proffer the illusion that we share the concerns of the common man.
Let us assure you that nothing could be further from the truth, as we have no interest in the contemptible spend-pennies that comprise our readership other than as to serve as eyeballs that will hungrily pass over our advertisements and to toil in our lye mines. However, we must somehow justify our exorbitant advertising rates, and are therefore encouraging those in the young person MySpace demographic to view our website.
Please distract yourself from the crushing reality of the inescapable class-system we perpetuate by visiting our columnists on this time-wasting substitute for a social life, and, most importantly, peruse the electrical version of The Onion in order to allow us to continue gouging those who hawk their eye-catching baubles and offensive t-shirts within our pages.
As always, god-damn the lot of you.
H. Cuthbert Zweibel
Vice-President of Client Relations,
The Onion

My Interests

News, Commentary, Advertising Revenue, The Spats.

I'd like to meet:


Captains of industry, harlots with interweb camera picture shows and monied time-wasting morons who busy themselves with inter-net networking sites and enjoy looking at advertising.

Music:

Wagner, Also Sprach Zarathustra, The Empire Carpeting Jingle, Now That's What I Call The Sustained Screams Of Orphans!, Vol. V. "Push It" by Salt-N-Pepa - total "desert island" song.

Movies:

The Aviator, DW Griffith's Birth Of A Nation, National Treasure–An extremely accurate portrayal of Masonic operations in America.

Books:

God-Damn the Lot of You by T. Herman Zweibel, Diplomacy (A Touchstone Book) by Henry Kissenger, Thomas Jefferson’s Notes on The State of Virginia, The Articles of Confederation, The Bible (Secret Edition), The Scarlet Letter—first half only.

Heroes:

None.

My Blog

The Onion is going to start deleting image comments

As much as some of the images are wonderful (such as "Kate's" original paintings), they are rendering the MySpace page all out of wack. Unless The Onion suddenly learns to use a computer, many images ...
Posted by The Onion on Sun, 07 Jan 2007 03:49:00 PST

The Onion is going to start deleting image comments

As much as some of the images are wonderful (such as "Kate's" original paintings), they are rendering the MySpace page all out of wack. Unless The Onion suddenly learns to use a computer, many images ...
Posted by The Onion on Sun, 07 Jan 2007 03:50:00 PST

If you post in image that says "Thanks for the Add!"

The Onion will drop-kick off its buddy list you like a bad yam.And if you have posted such an image, you have three days to submit a REAL comment.Seriously, if you can't think of anything original to ...
Posted by The Onion on Sun, 26 Nov 2006 01:45:00 PST

A Very Brief Interview on NPR

Editors Joes Randazo and Garden appear on on Fresh Air.
Posted by The Onion on Wed, 22 Nov 2006 06:45:00 PST

The Onion Calls the Election!

Politicians Sweep Midterm Elections...onion_embed{ background:rgb(256,256,256)!important;border:4px solid rgb(65,160,65);border-width:4px 0 1px 0;margin:10px 30px!important;padding:5px;overflow:hidden...
Posted by The Onion on Wed, 08 Nov 2006 07:12:00 PST

Cram this in your time hole!

The Onion wasted a great deal of time creating this, and now you must waste time on it as well!What Onion character are you?...
Posted by The Onion on Fri, 27 Oct 2006 01:20:00 PST

Today in The News - October 27

Local Man Inspires 14th Offbeat News Story.onion_embed{ background:rgb(256,256,256)!important;border:4px solid rgb(65,160,65);border-width:4px 0 1px 0;margin:10px 30px!important;padding:5px;overflow:h...
Posted by The Onion on Fri, 27 Oct 2006 05:14:00 PST

Today In The News - October 10

Bin Laden's Mother Worried Sick.onion_embed{ background:rgb(256,256,256)!important;border:4px solid rgb(65,160,65);border-width:4px 0 1px 0;margin:10px 30px!important;padding:5px;overflow:hidden!impor...
Posted by The Onion on Wed, 11 Oct 2006 05:57:00 PST

Ask The Onion

The publishing arm of The Onion would like to offer our readership and MySpace "friends" the illusion of transparency. In order to foster a sense of inclusion, we are now allowing out readers to pose ...
Posted by The Onion on Fri, 06 Oct 2006 10:51:00 PST

Today In The News: October 6, 2006

Retired S1Ws Recalled To Active Duty.onion_embed{ background:rgb(256,256,256)!important;border:4px solid rgb(65,160,65);border-width:4px 0 1px 0;margin:10px 30px!important;padding:5px;overflow:hidden!...
Posted by The Onion on Fri, 06 Oct 2006 08:48:00 PST