Tommy James - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I'm preapproved for credit cards on a daily basis. I enjoy buying things that are mispriced - even if I don't need what I'm purchasing. I have never seen a James Bond movie, but not because I don't want to - only because I enjoy watching people flip out when I tell them I've never seen one. I haven't updated my personal website in more than 2 years. No one has ever beaten me at Brady Bunch trivia- EVER. I once stole an entire ball crawl from an amusement park (long story) and filled my hotel room with the balls. At one time, I sold phones over the phone. I'm afraid of fish.
I bet you'll wanna know a little more about me. Am I right or am I right?
Fact is, I enjoy: fishing for compliments, proving people wrong, using profanity, convincing others that employees at Trader Joe's are a little "too" nice, second guessing myself, changing the channel, sucking up to more important people than myself, secretly despising those same important people, perpetuating stereotypes, New York City, cajoling my parents, placating my wife, getting in over my head, rooting for the Syracuse Orange(men), making people slightly uncomfortable, and tumbling into obscurity.
In addition, I also have fun: complaining about things that Don't affect me, worrying about things that Won't affect me, rooting for the NY Jets, using TiVo, watching stand up comedy (no props or guitars, except Henry Phillips), performing stand up comedy, talking about that screenplay I'm gonna write, mocking stupid people, patronizing people who hate Starbucks, killing insects with bug spray but not shoes, finding flaws in things, namecalling, rooting for the NY Yankees, complaining about my weight, visiting New Orleans, asking people for gum, and hanging around the Hollywood Improv on Thursday nights.
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A spec commercial I was just in:
I live in a small appartment building in West Hollywood (about 30 units) and I don't think I'm exagerrating when I say we've got some movers and shakers... Sadly, none of their good fortune has rubbed off on me.
For starters, this girl lives down the hall from me. Needless to say, it's always a treat when I bump into her in the elevator.
And of course everyone's favorite goofy sitcom cousin, Sasha Mitchell, lives right downstairs. What you don't remember Sasha? He was Cody on Step by Step
Then there's the guys who wrote the Stoner Comedy of the last decade living down on the 1st floor. That right, the geniuses behind Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle live here too.
Did you say you want music? The lead singer of Curtis Murphy Syndicate (Curtis Murphy himself) lives up on the 3rd floor, as do I. Check them out if they come to your town. BTW, they're in my "Top 24" if you wanna hear some of their stuff.

My Interests

Does complaining count?

In addition to being a professional comedian, I've got my own t-shirt line. Some would say that makes me the P.Diddy of comedy... Except that I'm not rich, clearly I'm not black and even if I wanted to, I don't think I've got enough clout to have another comedian wacked.

PLEASE BUY MY SHIRTS
(Here's 10 of the 27 shirts I have - Click on the design you like and you'll be taken to the store)

Or you can just click here to see all 27 designs: www.WickedMint.com

I'd like to meet:

I suppose I should say I'd like to meet someone profound like Jesus. But then I'd be afraid he'd ask me why I haven't been around in a while. Then I'd have to lie and say something like, "I've just been busy." And he'd know all along that I was lying, which would make both of us uncomfortable and I just don't want that, OK? Maybe you're into the whole head games thing, but that's not how I roll. And from what I hear, Jesus hates head games too.

Or maybe you'd think I might wanna meet a celebrity. You couldn't be more off. Let's get something straight, I'm no "star-fucker." Plus once you've hung out with HBO sitcom star and comedian Louis CK, there's really no other celebrity you need to meet.

Actually, I'd like to meet the person who invented "red-light cameras" and kick 'em in the groin.

Also, I'd really like to meet the CEO of Trader Joe's so I can ask him how they've brainwashed the entire staff into being polite & friendly to the point where it creeps me out.

Music:

Before we get this started, if you're gonna put songs up on Limewire or Kazaa or whereve, could you please get the artist and song title correct? Is that too much to ask? If it is, let me know and I'll back off, but damn you'd think some of you are braindead. For example, The Verve sang "Bittersweet Symphony", OK? Not Verve Pipe. They sang "The Freshman." Get it straight.

With that off my chest, one of my guilty pleasures in life are 80's hair bands - Especially Bon Jovi, Motley Crue, Poison, Guns and Roses, Def Lepard, and Van Hagar (Yeah, I said it I liked them with Hagar)

Afterwards, dug the Seattle sound especially Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Stone Temple Pilots, Temple of the Dog, Smashing Pumpkins, & Days of the New. And while I liked Nirvana, I never LOVED them like so much of the rest of the world. Then again I admitted I liked Van Hagar, so what the hell do I know?

Also a fan of Audioslave, Springsteen, U2, OLD pre-Disney Elton John, the Stones, Incubus, Jane's Addiction, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Run DMC, old LL Cool J, Beastie Boys, Tribe called Quest, Snoop, the Killers, Green Day and Garbage among others. (And yes, there's a few others that I choose not to list so that you won't mock me. . . Because I know how you operate and I'll have none of it!)

BTW, could someone please explain this whole Cold Play phenomenon? I don't get it. It's not a deal-breaker per se, but I just don't get it.

And finally the greatest one hit wonder in the world is "Brandy" by Looking Glass. Though I kinda also dug Deadeye Dick's "New Age Girl" (Mary Moe)

Movies:

Favorite Comedy Movies:
Arthur, Airplane, Caddy Shack, Seems Like Old Times, The Big Lewbowski, Midnight Run, What About Bob, Office Space, Kingpin, I'm Gonna Get You Sucka, Vacation, Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Something About Mary, Ground Hog Day, Animal House, Bad News Bears (the original), Fletch, Clerks, Naked Gun, Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Ruthless People, Meatballs, the first 2/3 of Old School, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, High Anxiety, The Producers, Lost in America, Silver Streak, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Revenge of the Nerds, Porky's, 48 Hours, Beverly Hills Cop, Quick Change, Anchorman, Pootie Tang, Napolean Dynamite, Super Troopers, This is Spinal Tap, Slapshot, 40 Year Old Virgin
Other Movies:
Goodfellas, Pulp Fiction, Angel Heart, Basic Instinct, Silence of the Lambs, Scarface, Dog Day Afternoon, Taxi Driver, Serpico, Carlito's Way, Being John Malkovich, The Godfather 1&2, Terminator 1&2, Rocky 1&2, Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Manchurian Candidate, Seven, Braveheart, Full Metal Jacket, platoon, Born on the 4th of July, Apocalypse Now, Heat, A Bronx Tale, Fight Club, True Romance, Wizard of Oz, Shawshank Redemption, LA Confidential, Memento, Mystic River, Leaving Las Vegas, Chinatown, Almost Famous, King of Comedy, The Insider, Officer and a Gentleman, Saturday Night Fever, A Few Good Men, Color of Money, The Champ, Awakenings, Mask

Television:

Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage, The Sopranos, The Daily Show, Reno 911, Arrested Development, The Simpsons, South Park, Futurama, Family Guy, SNL, Law & Order SVU, Tonight Show, Late Show, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Conan, Late Late Show, Premium Blend, Comedy Central Presents.

Older stuff in syndication: Seinfeld, That 70's Show, Grounded for Life, Taxi, The Jeffersons, What's Happening, Good Times, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, All in the Family, Married with Children, Dream On, It's The Garry Shandling Show, Brady Bunch.

And without TiVo this list wouldn't be possible.

Books:

Usually buy 'em, often read them, rarely finish them.

My Blog

For the hoops fans (a week late*)

Cleveland Cavaliers Best 12 Excuses for NOT Winning the NBA Title1. Didn't want the pressure of having to repeat next season2. Coach's suggestion we play "tight man-to-man defense" sounded kinda gay3....
Posted by Tommy James on Wed, 20 Jun 2007 11:45:00 PST

4 things - all true

1. Today, someone I had always assumed to be gay (but never had the nerve to ask) called me to ask if a mutual friend was gay. I was totally taken aback. How do you handle this? I felt like I was in...
Posted by Tommy James on Fri, 15 Jun 2007 10:27:00 PST

security beefed up at LAX

So a bunch of terrorists were plotting to blow up JFK International Airport in New York...Thankfully, the plan was foiled.But now, in the typical knee-jerk reactionary style that Americans are best at...
Posted by Tommy James on Mon, 04 Jun 2007 09:42:00 PST

Couldn't find true love on NEXT

My son Devin shot his episode of MTV's NEXT yesterday.Here he is waiting for his first date to come off the bus.Here he is asking me, "What the hell was wrong with that last girl?"Here he is walking o...
Posted by Tommy James on Sat, 02 Jun 2007 02:31:00 PST

This one may only be funny to comedians

So over the weekend, former President Jimmy Carter referred to current President George Bush as the worst President of all time and it caused quite an uproar in the national news.All the talking windb...
Posted by Tommy James on Mon, 21 May 2007 08:09:00 PST

Coach Jackass

K, I'm asking you to take a trip on the way back when machine...Do you remember any coaches who were sadistic, stupid or both in some humorous way? Please pass along any anecdotes in the comments sect...
Posted by Tommy James on Thu, 10 May 2007 10:36:00 PST

A-Rod Alienates Yankee Teammates Once Again

A-Rod Alienates Yankee Teammates Once AgainJeter: "He's Making Us Look Like Fools" April 24, 2007 -- ST. PETERSBURG, FLWith his blistering start to the 2007 baseba...
Posted by Tommy James on Wed, 25 Apr 2007 10:12:00 PST

Nappy puh-leaze

So for the most part the dust has settled on the whole Imus thing.I waited to weigh in because I felt as if, I were to say something and then someone else made the same point, I'd look like a idea-thi...
Posted by Tommy James on Mon, 16 Apr 2007 01:46:00 PST

money

So I have to write jokes related to money for a show I'm working on. Anyway, I just wrote a line that I think could become a proverb and last a lifetime... that's how much I like it. Tell me what yo...
Posted by Tommy James on Fri, 13 Apr 2007 06:26:00 PST

imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

Have you seen Joel McHale and KP Anderson do their best Aaron Sorkin in taking a shot at Aaron Sorkin.Two guys never stop moving... never stop talking and do a great job of parodying Aaron Sorkin's St...
Posted by Tommy James on Sat, 07 Apr 2007 07:29:00 PST