Oh, hello there. You startled me. I'm Humble B. Wonderful, a mild internet curiosity. I like video games and figuring out ways to get money without working. Losing limbs while on the job seems to be my most successful effort, but I'm always on the look out for more. In that vein, I humbly ask that you use my internet links. I have an affiliate account over at Amazon.com (look around for some links)and have put some comical T-shirts up on Cafe Press . In return for your business, I write silly stories which you may read at your leisure. Anyway, the important thing is to give me lots and lots of money.
I'd like to meet:
Someone who doesn't send me an email that looks like he decided to forego the use of his fingers while typing, and has decided to have a monkey shit all over his keyboard instead.
Some Web'd-Postings Arranged Almost Chronologically.
Music:
MC Chris, Tenacious D, Tom Waits, Stephen Lynch, Magnetic Fields, White Stripes, Gilbert & Sullivan, Jelly Roll Morton, David Bowie is pretty good, other stuff, I guess. Know what, I'm not really much of a music person. Oh! I like that Jesus Christ Superstar thing, that was pretty cool. It's like I don't know where to go to find good music. I know there are music shows, and every jerk with an opinion thinks he knows who the best band is, but he's just another trendy nerd, and I really can't be associated with the MTV crowd. Also there are those music geeks with the funny glasses who say they know everything there is to know about music and that every popular band ever in the history of the world is crap unless they've been dead for 30 years. I can't be around those people for long without having fantasies involving sharp objects and scraggly unshaven throats. So when people ask me if I like music, I say "No." DO NOT SEND ME LINKS TO YOUR BAND. I HATE YOUR BAND AND WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. YOUS GUYS ARE TERRIBLE. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT. I DO NOT "SUPPORT" YOU, NOR WILL I VOTE FOR YOU. NOW, BACK OFF UNLESS IT IS YOUR DESIRE TO TASTE THE STING OF MY BLADE, AND BY "TASTE THE STING OF MY BLADE" I MEAN "FLAG YOU FOR SPAM."
Movies:
Rosencrantz and Gildenstern are Dead, Cancer Babies, Wes Anderson, Animal Crackers, Murder at the Super Bowl, Revenge of the Killer Cyborg Clones, the one about the hero and the girl, and he's like fighting the bad guy, and the bad guy's about to win, and he can't do it, but then oh he does it, that's awesome! Then there's the one about the repressed guy and the free spirit girl, and she's so wacky and up-beat and he's too dour and down-beat and you think "man, they are never going to get together" but then the down-beat guy triumphs over the jerky guy and the guy and girl are love. Oh it's magic. Then she dies and he has learned something important like cancer is bad or something and everybody's emotions are sad and happy at the same time. Plus, one of them was rich.
Television:
I love those cartoons that aren't your normal cartoons, oh no, they are adult cartoons. 'Cause you know I enjoyed cartoons as a child, but as I grew older they didn't appeal to me, so these new ones are perfect. They have jokes that speak to me and my demographic. They have humor based on common archetypes and cliches, you know, really sticking it to the non-creative shitheads of yesteryear.
Books:
Dating & Relationship Advice
MySpace Layouts
Heroes:
Julius Caesar, Craig Bierko (so dreamy!), Oliver Cromwell, Penn Jillette
