..I W.A.S. AN EXOTIC DANCER...
Who would have ever thought that I would grow up to be an exotic dancer? I certainly didn't but considering my childhood which included sexual abuse, exposure to pornography at a very young age, being poor and suffering with low self-esteem, it seems like I was made for it. Stripping for a living was the route that I chose, for a while ;).
THIS IS MY SEX INDUSTRY LIFE STORY:
"THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY AND THE 'TRUTH' ABOUT EXOTIC DANCING,"TM by Rebecca McDermontThere I was, a 22 year old single mother of two who was trying desperately to make ends meet when a male friend of mine made a suggestion that would change my life forever. I was complaining to him about being fired from one of my jobs and declaring, "What am I going to do?" Who would hire me now that I had been fired?
I was way too proud to get on welfare and too proud to ask for help from anyone regarding finances so I tried to work two jobs. I figured that I had gotten myself into being a single parent of two so it was up to me to figure out how we were going to survive. I wanted to provide everything for my son's financially. I was uneducated and I received very little help from their father monetarily, physically or emotionally.
The suggestion from my male friend was, "Why don't you go to the Landing Strip to work? The women up their make excellent money. You'd probably make enough money so that you wouldn't have to work two jobs."
My reply was, "The Landing Strip? Isn't that a topless bar?"
My friend says, "Yes."
"I could never do that." You see, I had never even been into a topless bar.
"Becky, you could wait tables. The waitresses aren't topless. They wear tank tops and high cut shorts," says my male friend. It was at this moment, the seed of deception was planted.
I felt desperate so I applied for the job at the Landing Strip and I was hired as a waitress on the spot. The first week that I was there was excruciating. I was in shock! I felt sick, nervous, guilty and ashamed but the money was a powerful motivator. In one evening of work, I'd make on the average of $100 a night in tips! Remember, this was in 1984 when that was a lot..of money.
Before I knew it, I had become numb to my environment but numbing myself was one thing that I had experience at. Being at the club was starting to feel like a "new normal." I actually started to enjoy being around all of the men and coming home with quite a large amount of dough. Eventually, being in this atmosphere led me to a severe drug addiction. I was often given "cocaine" as a tip. I had tried cocaine only once before and I really didn't think much about it but it seemed that everyone was doing it in the club so why not me? Besides, it was free. Drinking also became a problem.
Parties after work were essential. Thank God that I had really good child care at the time. While I partied and worked, my boys were either with my parents or with my aunt. The only problem was that my boys weren't seeing me very much or they were seeing a very "coked" over or hung over mother. It wasn't a pretty scene for them back then.
Eventually, I ended up dealing drugs so that I could pay for my habit and so that I could gain some control or power over my addiction in this dark world of sex, adultery, manipulation and money. I had found before I started dealing that I was at the mercy of others who might supply me a "fix." This led to some very uncomfortable and dangerous situations for me. My cocaine addiction started to become almost a daily habit. I ended up at parties where I didn't know very many people and was taken advantage of sexually more than once.
During this "fuzzy and numb" period of time in my life, I was entrigued with exotic dancing because of the costumes, the money and the creativity that some of the dancers displayed. I loved music and I enjoyed dancing. The only thing that was stopping me from becoming one was that I saw something different in the women who were dancers. Their eyes seemed to be distant. A lot of times they seemed to be stoned while they were on stage and didn't seem that friendly to us waitresses. I was being pretty judgemental back then but something about them scared me.
One night, the devil appeared to me dressed as two men sitting in my section.(Just a metaphor) They offered me $100 to dance topless to just one song! What a shock! I was amazed because there were so many beautiful women who worked there but they "wanted me." This was a self-esteem boost for a very low esteemed woman. It took me 2 hours to decide if I could go through with it or not. My whole body ached at the thought of dancing topless. My stomach was sick, my heart was pounding out of my chest, I had cold sweats but the temptation of the cash won. How was I going to overcome all of these emotions? Drinking a lot of alcohol seemed to be the solution. I eventually got up the nerve to go through with it. I'm sure that I must have been a sight to behold. My body was going in all kinds of different directions! I was trembling and flopping all around! The men seemed to enjoy it in an amused kind of way. I wouldn't dance again for several years.
The Landing Strip management got wind that I had been dealing drugs to some of the staff at the bar. I was given a lecture and questioned about it. Even though this was a "sex industry business" the management didn't approve. I denied any such involvement, of course. Due to fear of being caught and the fact that a drug supplier had threatened my life because they feared that I was "talking too much," I quit my job there and found another.
I worked for several years in various topless bars in the state of Michigan. I was either a bartender or a cocktail waitress. My addictions became worse over time and I found myself wondering if I would live or die some nights. I had mixed several different and deadly combinations of drugs and alcohol unaware of what could have happened to me. Upon several occasions, I ended up at the basin of a toilet praying to God for his intervention. I often wondered if I should get myself to the emergency room or not. My heart would be beating so slowly at times. I was afraid to go to sleep for fear that I wouldn't wake up again. At this time in my life, I didn't have peace about going to meet my father in heaven. I feared "hell" so I begged and bartered with God over my life. He always let me live. I believe that he allowed me to survive because I had become a Christian when I was 10 years old. God had a different plan and purpose for my life but I wasn't ready yet to surrender to him. Soon after I'd start feeling better, I'd forget about God and my promises and I'd do it all over again and again.
At one of my jobs, I had finally met a woman who was a dancer that I thought had a pretty normal existence or what seemed normal to me at the time. We became friends and I was now convinced that I should become an "exotic dancer," too. My friend and I went to audition at a club in Dearborn. All of the fear came rushing back from my previous experience so I had to get "drunk." I had to be numb. The management gave us as much as we desired to drink for free. We decided on Long Island Ice Tea's. By the time that it was my turn to dance, I was pretty well lit. There weren't very many people at the bar but one of the men came up and gave me a tip. He didn't give one to my friend who also had auditioned so I thought that I must be rather good at this exotic dancing stuff. (This is another wrong way to gain self esteem.) We were both hired and I was offered $14.00 an hour cash plus tips. Dancer's actually used to get paid by the bar! I figured that I would never be able to make that much money without a college education so I took the job. I now had the title of "Exotic Dancer" and I became known as "Tiffany."
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When I would dance, there were some feelings of being sexy or beautiful because night after night, men would reaffirm this by applause and money. They'd offer their phone number or promise dates and they would throw compliments at me. But, were their compliments genuine? Were these men being truthful or were they just saying these things because their hormones were engaged? I am no expert but from what I have learned about men, I'd have to say that they were just incredibly excited.
Men verses women's reactions to stimulation is very opposite. Women can turn their sexuality off and on in most cases where it's not as easy for men. So what were we doing to these men physically and emotionally? How did they deal with this "excitement" that we created and what did they do to complete the process? I tried very hard not to think about it. I knew that I had manipulated them in this way so that I could get what I wanted from them which was their money. I was partly responsible for whatever they did with this created excitement after they left the bar, wasn't I?
Night after night, married men would try to pick me up or slip me their number. They'd usually deny that they were married and sometimes I would call them only to find out the truth from their wives. How embarrassed and humiliated I'd feel. I wasn't looking to be a home wrecker. I was only looking for companionship and love. (Ever hear the term, 'looking for love in all of the wrong places?)
While I was on stage I also had some other feelings. Everything was all right as long as I was dressed in a nice dancer's outfit but once I would drop one strap..of clothing from my shoulder, it became shameful for me. I always had to have a drink before I went on stage. I don't remember ever dancing sober. I remember trying to attempt it sober but I couldn't. The shame that I felt was real and deep and I tried to cover it up with substances. Shame wasn't apparent to the customers or the other dancers but it was carried within.
I also experienced a 'spliting off of myself' so to speak when I'd dance. I would go into my own little world, listen to the music and try to pretend that I was somewhere else. Anywhere else would be good!
When I think about it, it seems as if the men were just 'heads without faces.' This can be taken in more ways than one...;). Most of them had their eyes on you, looking at you lustfully and it was hard to seperate yourself from that but I tried in... oh... so many ways.
Over time, I'd get so sick of doing lap dances that I would look at one of my dancer friends and with my back to the customer, I'd imitate gaging by opening my mouth and inserting a finger. I would act like I was going to get sick. This would give me a pretty good idea that it was time for me to take a break because I was becoming too angry at men to preform my job with a good attitude. Dancers do get 'burned out' over time.
The shame that I felt when dancing mainly came from the fact that I had been sexually abused by exposure and touch over and over again throughout my life by a male relative which started when I was only 5 years old. I had also been exposed to pornography at the age of 6 by the same relative. The shame was that I was now the lady exposing herself just like the women in the porn books and like my male relative. Things had turned full circle for me and it was sad. What could I do about it? What would I do for money if I quit? I didn't know the answers for several years.
During all of this crazy time in my life, I was also in some very violent relationships. Relationship problems began way..before I ever started dancing. It began in my first relationship when I was only 15 and continued to get worse in other relationships until I finally was forced into getting some help.
One relationship during my dancing years was so traumatic and abusive that I almost lost my life. This man and I could get along so well if alcohol and drugs weren't present but the moment that we would become intoxicated, we would fight. I was usually the one to threaten to end the relationship or to try to leave. For me, if they tried to stop me it meant that they 'really loved' me (I didn't realize this until many years later)but the manner in which I was stopped would escalate to extremes. For instance, I was held at knife point and had to escape while he was asleep. I was stalked, hit, threatened and shoved. He would brake my vehicle, pop out of bushes unexpectedly at me, be waiting for me after work and he stole from me. Sometimes, I'd be afraid to go home to my apartment. He would live and do as he pleased in my apartment that I was paying for for weeks at a time. I'd go to the police but in the 80's and early 90's, the police didn't protect women as much or the laws were such that they couldn't. At least not in the Ypsilanti area. I was told over and over again that they couldn't do a thing for me except follow me home or have me fill out a complaint explaining what had happened. The only time that something was done was the day that he tried to pull me out of a party store by force. He had told me that he was going to take me to his mother's property and that he would "kill and bury me" there. Of course, I had done something wrong but did I deserve death? My survival instincts interceded when he stopped at a store to buy cigarettes. I jumped out of the car and went inside. I demanded the car keys from him. He started trying to drag me out of the store. I held onto the door for dear life crying for him to "let me go!" The clerk called the police and my so called boyfriend left in my car! He was finally charged with assault because of all of the witnesses and I didn't even have to testify.
Our relationship ended for about a year and I actually was "so insane" at the time that I dated him again only to have some of the same things happen. There was definitely some chemistry between us so I wanted to believe that he had changed. He could at times be nice. Once again, I ran to the police for help to no avail. I became so desperate that I took matters into my own hands. I took drastic measures to protect myself from domestic violence and I made a terrible mistake.
I was arrested for having a gun in my vehicle which wasn't registered to me. A friend of mine who feared for my life thought that she was being helpful by offering a gun to me for protection because she knew how much terror I lived in at the time. I took the gun (stupid move)when I knew that I shouldn't have and placed it in my car underneath my seat just in case. At that time in my life, I also carried knives for protection in my purse. God was watching out for me even then because after only having it in my possession for 3 days, I got caught with it. I had never even fired a hand gun before. What if I would have gotten into a situation where I thought that I had to use it?
In many ways, it was a blessing to have been caught. I was put on probation and this was how I was forced into getting help for my drug addiction and emotional problems. Two years after I had committed this crime, I violated my probation by not showing up for it. I wasn't suppose to be using drugs anymore but I had started using again. I was working in a bar for pete sakes. I couldn't stay sober. I was afraid to face my probation officer so I chose not to attend plus I was very addicted to cocaine by this time. I was put in jail for 2 weeks. It was the longest, coldest and loneliest time that I had ever faced. My probation officer wanted me to go to prison. She had lost all faith in me. I was so...scared. Even after all of this, I still did drugs! By the grace of God, the judge decided that he would allow me to go to drug treatment instead of prison.
Other effects caused by my lifestyle of exotic dancing was a feeling of complete separation from God. I didn't feel like God would have anything to do with someone like me. I had a messed up my relationship with my children who were very important to me. I wasn't around as much as a mother should be and at times, I was abusive. The abuse was mostly verbal and emotional. I developed feelings of unworthiness and uncleanness. I had two abortions in my life during these years and I could not forgive myself for them even though I had buried my feelings deep down inside of me. Only 1 or 2 people knew but God and I knew. I was responsible and I hated myself for it. I became bitter and angry. I really believe that I thought I deserved to be beat by men. I had no trust in men and even though I wanted to be loved by a man, I didn't like men very much. My feelings were that men were only good for 2 things, money and sex. That's all that I knew. I felt unlovable and incapable of giving true, unconditional love. I was uneducated and really had a bitter root of self-hatred. Some of this spiritual sickness began long before I ever danced but dancing brought out the worst in an already broken person. Working as a stripper hurt me even more.
"Wasn't the money worth the shame?" some might ask. My answer to that is "what money?" I was living and spending money so fast and foolishly that the money would come into one hand and exit out the other. I would take the money to buy drugs thinking that I was going to make more money when I'd sell them. The problem was that I was an addict and would always do more drugs than I was suppose to or I'd give too much to friends to make any money. Who wants to party alone? Pretty much, I barely supported my kids with the money that I'd bring home. I'd take them out to nice places once in a while because I felt guilty for not spending enough time with them but I couldn't even keep our own housing or at least not for very long. It was a vicious cycle that kept spinning around and around with no way out so it seemed. I was in chains and I didn't even realize it. It was like being in bondage with no escape. I couldn't stop using drugs alone and I couldn't support my kids in another way without help. This kept me stuck in a very ugly place.
Now I know that I had no self-respect anymore. I didn't like myself. I didn't like my life. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to live anymore. I didn't attempt suicide but I did think about it. Using drugs and living in abusive relationships was my suicide. I was creating a 'slow death.' I felt like nothing. I was nothing. This is where "Exotic Dancing" left me. It left me broke, single, a drug addict and alcoholic and a criminal.
This is who I WAS but I'm not that person any more. I've been out of the industry now for 17 years! Someone has enabled me to change my life around. That someone is none other than, Jesus. Even though I was all of these things, God still chose to love me! Can you believe it? How lucky and blessed I am for you see, he loves us all. There's no one too bad or too lost that can't come to the LORD and I'm not talking about religion. He loves you, he died for you and he will listen if you talk and you desire to have a relationship with him. No one is excluded from his love. No one!
BLESSINGS~If you aren't interested in how I've been changed or don't want to read about God, you can stop here.
Here's some photo's of my life now:
My hopes are that you will see what I have been blessed with once I stopped 'stripping,' causing trouble and drinking and drugging and you will desire to have some of the same things for yourself. May this page touch your heart in some way and know that my most important blessing of all is.... LOVE!
Praise God that he has truly restored my life! Today, he has given me everything that was taken from me and more. Jesus said..."The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full," John 10:10.
The beginning of my healing happened when I went to an inpatient drug and alcohol treatment facility. The hospital took me out of my environment and slowed me down. There, I had time to think and time to realize that I had made a terrible mess of my life. I needed to find a way to change. If I couldn't do it for myself, I needed to do it for my sons.
This treatment program wasn't religious but at the end of each night, we would form a group and all hold hands. We would then repeat the serenity prayer in candle light.
"God, give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change; the courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
When I first entered the hospital, I had plans to sneak out on Halloween. After one week of being inside, I changed my mind. I had accepted that I needed to change my life. At that time, I wasn't sure if I believed in God anymore. Someone suggested that I "fake it until I made it," so I did. I would get down on my knees at night and I tried to pray. It felt very awkward at first but things began to change inside of me. I realized that I could come back to God. He would forgive me and accept me again so I surrendered to him and I allowed him to take the steering wheel back. He was now the driver of my life once again. I had tried everything else that I could think of to change but God was my only hope. He was the only thing left to try.
After 3 weeks, I was released and I began my life anew. I was free to start over. I was no longer on that devastating roller coaster ride to the pits. I could become anything. It wasn't an easy road for me at first but any day sober was well worth the battle and at times, it was a battle...
I still didn't trust God enough to go to church or to totally commit myself to him but now I was open and curious about where my life would go. I had a new and restored hope in life. The journey took time and I've been "renewed day by day."
God has healed me of drug and alcohol addiction using various tools in the world like AA, the 12 steps of AA and counseling. He has given me a new direction in my life. He helped me go to school and get enough education to support my children and to put a full time roof over their heads. He has given me a beautiful home in the country, a loving and non-abusive Christian husband and 3 more precious children. God has restored my relationship with my older son. God did take my oldest child home to be with him but he left me with a beautiful vision of where my son was going. He allowed my son who past away to say goodbye to me and tell me that he loved me in a spiritual form. To read about that just read my blog about him.
God has given me a granddaughter with another on the way! He's restored my relationship with my parents and family. He has lead me to healing of my past shame and sexual abuse issues by directing me to just the right counselors. I no longer have open wounds but I still carry the scars.
Almighty God has lead me to "peace" over my past. He has instructed me to offer apologies to all of those that I have harmed along the way no matter how difficult that it was for me. This has proven to relieve the guilt and sorrow that I've carried and tried to bury inside of myself for years. I still owe many apologies to the men who I performed in front and who I manipulated but there's no way in which to know all of their names. If you are one of those people, I apologize now. Please forgive me if I've ever hurt you in any way.
He's given me honest and trusting friends that accept me just as I am, a beautiful church and a caring and loving church family. I now have a bank account with money in it! I've been restored with self-love and hope for a bright future. God has given my husband and I a franchise business to manage and own. I have a renewed interest in singing and playing musical instruments that I had lost when I started experimenting with marijuana in middle school. I enjoy and participate in the arts. Parts of my body including my mind have been healed and now God has allowed me to start a ministry for people that are just like I was. He's given me a changed, caring and compassionate heart. Most importantly, he has restored my ability to give and to receive unconditional "LOVE".
There's so much more to give him credit for that I could go on and on. Each breath that I take is because of him. I'm so..grateful that he has "rescued and saved me." God has set this captive free even though I rejected him! This process of "renewing of the mind" has taken almost 20 years but as you can see, God is faithful and true to give us the desires of our heart.
Maybe you haven't experienced the things that I have. Maybe you won't ever but the majority of women that I've talked to have experienced some of these difficulties. Don't let the lie and deception of exotic dancing grab a hold of you and take you down! The lie of "you'll get rich." The deception of "it's only breasts" or "exotic dancing is fun and glamorous..." In my opinion, those statements are so wrong. Which life would you rather live? One of devastation and ruin or one where all of your dreams can come true. I'm not saying that you have to become a Christian because I respect everyone's choice but it worked for me. It's all....up to you.
Copyright 2006-2007. Rebecca McDermont. All Rights Reserved.
You can read more about other area's of my life in my testimony on my website at www.whiteasnow.com.
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As a way of to meet and help exotic dancers, I've founded a Mission that visit's strip clubs and we take in gifts to all of the employee's as a way of introducing them to our mission. You can read all about it on my website at www.whiteasnow.com. Also, on my mission page at WWW.MYSPACE.COM/MISSION_WHITEASSNOW .
An amazing thing happened to me a few years ago. Shelley Lubben asked some of us if we were interested in having our testimonies put in a book! Of course, I said, "yes!" My full story is in this book called, "Daughter's Of Destiny." The book was published by the Library of Hope. This book is distributed throughout our women's prison system with other co-authors such as Shelley Lubben and Tammy Dahl. You can order it through my website. All proceeds go to helping W.A.S. ministries.
Believe it or not, a girl like me gives interviews on television and interviews on radio nationally about my mission. I also speak in churches at conferences about almost any subject imaginable. If you'd like a resume of appearances, just contact me and I'll be happy to send one. I'd love to speak in schools to our youth as well. All the Glory belongs to the LORD!
My husband and I own a Maui Wowi Franchise where we are vendors at events of all types. This is predominently a seasonal business where we sell Hawaiian Blend Fresh Fruit smoothies and Kona coffee's. It can be a very fun business! We even get to wear Hawaiian shirts and pretend that we are on a lavious beach somewhere on the islands sipping Pina Colada's all day long! Sound good to you? No, but seriously, a lot of hard work goes into this business. Our website is www.upnorthmaui.com.
There's no possible way that I could have ran a business like this while I worked in the sex world. You have to have a clear head and be willing to work long hours as well as to bend over backwards (not literally..lol) to make your event coordinators, your franchise and your customers happy.
If this wasn't enough, I went back to school to become a nurse or social worker. I'll see which way the LORD opens the doors for me. My heart is truly in social work, though. My passion is 'helping' others because so many have helped me. When you need help, it's better if you can lean on others that will offer you assistance. You don't have do things on your own. We are here for you for as long as we are needed.
Feel free to comment, e-mail, ask questions, blog or request friendship on the W.A.S. Ministries site. If you are living a Christian life, I may not have time to come and visit your page very often so know this ahead of time. My responsibility here lies with people who need spiritual help. They are the reason that I'm on my space. I love you brothers and sisters in Christ!
In my opinion, if you are looking for love like all of us are, Jesus is the best place to find complete and unconditional love. Believe me, I know because I was looking for love whereever I could find it and I finally did through Christ! Others will only let you down because we are all human and we aren't capable of loving like Jesus. We try but it isn't possible. Give him a chance and I know that you won't be sorry!
Peace, love and joy be yours today and always!
Love you a bunch,
Becky ~~ I'm so lucky to be ALIVE! I've been given a "second chance" and so can you.
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