In April of 2008 I found out I had Chlamydia and then discovered I have herpes, to bold of a statement to start out with? Not at all when you’re exposing the truth! I didn’t always have herpes; I wasn’t always so down on relationships and men, I wasn’t always so scared to trust.
My truth begins in March of 2006, I was in need of money, being a single mom of three and not getting the financial support I needed from my now ex husband, made me feel cornered, I felt trapped. I had worked in adult jobs off and on since I was nineteen, mostly doing topless massage and dominatrix work in between regular jobs and promotional modeling, but never imagined myself in porn. I had no savings and my family was in no position to help me financially, besides I was raised to deal with my own problems.
A light bulb went off one day while searching for jobs on Craig’s List. I saw the adult section and was immediately drawn to it for answers. There it was big as could be calling my name “BBWs needed for adult filmsâ€. I didn’t know what a BBW was, but had to find out. BBW stands for Big Beautiful Woman and since I’m plus size, it was a perfect opportunity, or so I thought. I answered the ad against all better judgment and was off to the address given me by someone who seemed so sincere in his intentions. I’ve never been anyone’s fool, but financial desperation had the best of me.
Lights, camera, action!!
There I was in front of a camera “just breathe, just calm down and do it, get it over with!†it was all I could do to keep from puking, one hour and $300.00 dollars later it was over. Yes, that’s all I got paid, not much to sell ones soul is it. To me at the time it was a God send though, I was able to feed my kids and temporarily catch up.
Eight months later, it was the same situation, in need of money even though I was working full time and no easy way to go about it. A couple of people had seen my first movie and thought it was great, I reminisced and wanted to cry, but I thought desperate times call for desperate measures even though I knew better. I was ready to make fast easy money and not stress out anymore about it; little did I know my stress was only beginning. I answered another ad on sexy jobs and posted a profile, not even five minutes later I’m getting what seemed like a million phone calls from so called producers and agencies, all with promises of grandeur, all with promises of instantaneous wealth.
On the road
Two days later I was on the road to California, ditching work and walking into an unknown industry that I would soon find out had serious draw backs and no one was really a friend. My first “gig†was in a run down motel in Compton, the “producer†looked shabbier than the room. He asked me for ID, ran down how he wanted me to “pose†and introduced me to the girl I was to pleasure. The scene seemed to go on for hours, he was the male talent of course and when I asked him if he was going to wear a condom he shoved an AIMs test in my face and said there was no need, he never asked me for a test or said that one was required of me. I preformed acts I had never even done in my marriage, I was sore, tired and disgusted, but needed the money. The producer paid me half and said the check for the rest would be in the mail, I assumed this was like any other company with a payroll and assumed it would be paid in full; I never did receive that other half.
The lure of quick money out weighed the risks; I was in California at least five times a week. I’d drive back and forth from Las Vegas to California, I began to lose sleep, I lost track of time and was hardly ever seeing my children or attending my regular job. I started lying to everyone about my “modeling†jobs. I quickly learned that everyone had an underlying intention, no one was really a friend, I learned of all the horrible diseases I was exposing myself to because I never did a condom shoot in California. Even though everyone had an AIMs test, Adult Industry Medicine clinics only make it mandatory to test for HIV, AIDS, Chlamydia and gonorrhea.
I began to drink heavily and take pain killers that I had laying around for my back, I over used them, especially when it came time to do a gig. I didn’t want to feel the pain of penetration from an over average sized man, being told to freeze in a position until the camera man was happy with his shots was very painful. Every scene was at least two hours or more because of the need to do freeze frame pics and get good angles and lighting. I was degraded on camera and had to like it and because I was in the BBW niche was told not to lose weight, I was told to even gain more. It was held over my head or else I would not have anymore work. I had peoples body fluids forced on my face or anywhere else the producer pleased and I had to accept it or else no pay. Sometimes you would get to a gig and the producer would change what the scene was supposed to be to something more intense and again if you didn’t like it, to bad, you did it or no pay.
My own boss or so I thought
About six months into the porn lifestyle I was offered my own web site. A husband and wife team who owned their own sites had an idea for a BBW network and wanted me to be their main model. I worked and worked on the site with them for eight months, he promised me it would bring me financial freedom and that I would never have to work for anyone again. He made a contract, convinced me that it was all for my benefit and when I suggested a lawyer read over it, he guilt tripped me into signing it because of our so called friendship and he said he would never keep it up if we parted ways. It wasn’t long before he started propositioning me on the side for sex, behind his wife’s back, telling me if I didn’t have sex with him it would cost me. He threatened me time after time; he said he would financially break me. I was used to getting propositioned for sex or sexual acts by other producers, it was a tool they used to get off and get more scenes out of the porn stars. I didn’t expect this from my web designer, but as time went on and my thoughts of hopelessness and desperation grew he fed off of it like a plague. I wanted to die, I wanted to sleep and never wake up, every day was a good day to drink heavily, I lost my job and my family was enraged with what I was doing to myself. I felt like a horrible mother and just like in the beginning, trapped like a caged bird. I had enough, it was either get busy dying, or get busy living. I ended up in the emergency room from a nervous break down, my world was a blur, I didn’t know up from down and had to end it one way or another. I told my web designer that it was over and hell really broke loose. The threats worsened and of course he never took the web site down, it’s still up, I receive no money from it and do not wish to. I’ve reminded him many times of our verbal agreement, but he just laughed in my face and stated that he has a couple thousand to burn in a courtroom knowing that I had nothing to show financially for my over a year in porn.
Recovery and new beginnings
Facing the idea of committing suicide and feeling like I had no hope and not knowing who I was anymore I got on my knees and cried out to God for help. After a couple hours of tearful praying I went online to look for answers and googled "porn help" and there she was, my own personal guardian angel on earth. I immediately contacted Shelley Lubben and told her my story, it didn't take her long before she was sending me encouraging words from God, gift cards to help feed me and my children and resources in my area to aide me in my recovery. Not only was Shelley concerned with the physical and mental well being of me and my family, but she began to mentor me back into the relationship I once knew with Christ Jesus. A couple months later I accompanied her and a couple of other God fearing volunteers to the 2008 AEE in Las Vegas where we reached out to adult stars and addicts, shortly after Shelley formed The Pink Cross Foundation in order to change the lives of men and women who were involved in the adult industry, just as she had so drastically helped to change mine in October of 2007, but this time she could affect change on a national scale.
In April of 2008 I was feeling very ill and begrudgingly took myself to the E.R. I was diagnosed with herpes even though I didn’t have a full outbreak and I was told that I had Chlamydia. My world came to a halt, I did the right thing by getting out of the industry and now this, I always thought I was so careful, but herpes is a hiding disease, you may never have an outbreak and still be carrying it, as a matter of fact 66% of all porn stars have it! I’m thankful to be alive, between the pain and suffering I experienced from people and the emotional and mental things I went through, it’s truly nothing short of a miracle, evidence of God’s grace in and upon my life. Since leaving the adult industry in October of 2007 I have rededicated my life to God, re-married a U.S. soldier, I am back in school majoring in psychology and I am stationed in Texas with my husband at Fort Hood where I work with The Pink Cross foundation and Shelley Lubben to help the men and women in the adult industry and addicted to the adult industry transition out and away from it. God has blessed me big time with a loving husband, a God fearing mentor and beautiful friend (Shelley Lubben), health and healing, He has given me a new lease on life. I thank God every day for his mercy and strength, for my ministry within The Pink Cross Foundation and most importantly that God never gave up on me even when I was undeserving. This is my story, this is my truth.
**I'm not always an angel, but I'm always God's beloved.**
