*MY TESTAMENT TO THE POWER OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST*
Here goes… I know that it is said (and known for that matter) that what happens in our childhood affects the people that we become as adults. I believe and support that observation 100%. However at this time I am not going to get into the things that were out of my control while I was a child. Instead I am going to tell you about the choices that I have made and the things that I have been responsible for. I am not quite sure what it was that gave me the idea but at an early age a stronghold was formed in my mind that the “party†lifestyle was the only way for me to go. At the age of 12 years old I began to drink alcohol and hang out with guys for fun. By the age of 13 it seemed to be the only thing that I was interested in doing. I wanted to be the popular, cute, fun girl that hung out with all of the popular, cute, fun older guys. Funny but it really wasn’t difficult to obtain that lifestyle. This need for non-stop fun brought me to my knees.
I found myself no longer welcome in my Mother’s household, and forced into a situation that was less than desirable at my biological Father’s household. Needless to say at the time I was not mature enough to make reasonable or healthy decisions for myself. I fought the powers that were for the freedom to be who I thought I wanted and needed to be. After some time it was apparent that I would have to return to live with my Mother and my new Step-Father. At this point I had attended 4 schools in just 1 year. The rules under my new roof were not what I was interested in taking part in. However on one fateful fall day a neighbor of my parent’s asked my sister and I to attend a service with their church’s youth group.
I was open to the idea because I always had some sort of reverence for the higher power. Though I didn’t understand the concept of a personal “relationship†with Jesus Christ, I believed that He had died for mankind and that I should have some respect for Him. Well I did not at all fit in with these “church youth group†people, but there was something about them that made me like them. Everyone just accepted me for who I was and no one tried to make me feel guilty or dirty for the fast lifestyle that I had chose to lead. Almost instantly I began regularly attending the youth services and then eventually the Sunday services. About 6 months into this I started to realize that it wasn’t just all the good people around me, but it was me that Jesus wanted to save. It was me that He wanted to accept Him, and allow Him to come in and clean out the closets of my heart. It all clicked one day and I knew that I didn’t want to go on hunting down every party and last drop of alcohol to find joy. I was 15 years of and I was tired of being the “bad girl†with the “fast†reputation. I wanted to just be me and have a life with the people who accepted me as such. I gave my heart to the Lord that day and asked Him to come and heal all of the damage I had inflicted and to show me how to really live again. He came through.
I went from parties and horrible grades to true friends and honor’s roll. It was hard and took work but I began to repair the damaged relationship with my Mother and I took on a more mature attitude. Unfortunately in the high of my Jesus whirlwind I failed to realize that Satan was unhappy about losing me and he was working a way to try to deceive me back to his lifestyle. Perseverance had never been one of my strong suits and as I came closer to legal consenting age, Satan knew it was time to make his move. Even after I had given my life to the Lord, that stronghold was still there telling me that life wouldn’t be as exciting if I wasn’t a member of the party crowd. So from time to time I would attend a high school drinking party and be their designated driver and help the people who had too much to drink. I didn’t realize what a compromising situation I was putting myself in by keeping the alcohol in front me.
The Perfect Storm surrounded my world. I had a friendship ending argument with my closest girlfriend from church, I was back on the fritz with my parents, I was feeling strong cravings for alcohol and parties, and then in walked a man that was just too tempting for me. I decided to bite the bait. I wanted to see if I could walk the line of my relationship with Christ and the easy “forget your troubles†lifestyle that I used to have. After doing this for several months it was clear to see that something had to give. I was not happy with my relationship with Christ and I was not happy with my relationship with the world. I allowed Satan to use guilt to make me feel unworthy of what Jesus had done in my life. Satan kept telling me “You knew better than to go back to this and now that you have Jesus doesn’t want you back! Come with me and I’ll show you how to feel better about things!†I continued to see the beautiful sad eyes secular guy and Satan used that avenue to its fullest potential. I met some of his friends who told me about how they worked at a topless cabaret as waitresses and earned tons of cash and partied with fun rich people and had a blast all the time. Satan used that encounter to plant a seed in my head.
It didn’t take long until I was back in action to the life I had lived just a few years before. The day consisted of taking shots of Jim Beam before school, then sitting at school zoned out all day planning the next weekend’s party. My relationship with my church friends and my family had deteriorated to the point where I moved out two days after graduation and didn’t even attended church anymore. All the time I kept thinking “How did it get to this point?†After my relationship with the beautiful sad eyes guy ended, I had developed a sort of “resentment†towards men because I didn’t believe that they were capable of true fidelity and love. I allowed Satan to turn that resentment into this disgusting mistreatment of men. I began to see men as party favors, sort of the little bonus to have in bed at the end of a night out. I did a lot of emotional damage to myself and to some of these men through so many broken relationships and one night stands.
Throughout this time I had been doing retail and restaurant work until I decided that I had enough of all that. I remembered the day those cute girls had told me about all of the money they made at this topless cabaret. I grabbed a just as lost as myself girlfriend and we turned in our applications. As I walked through the door to begin this job I could feel the Lord telling me “This will destroy you if you choose to continue!†I had a few drinks to silence that but God was right. If I thought that I had seen partying up to this point, man was I wrong. My life became a blur of alcohol, drugs, attention, money, beautiful people, and sex. There literally are days of my life that I do not remember due to my alcohol consumption. I started making plans to travel to Los Angeles to do some modeling and I even had decided that with all of the money I was making I would attempt to attend college.
I hit a snag and things started to slow once I got a DUI. At 20 years old I blew a .334 blood alcohol limit, which is over 4 times the legal limit and actually means that nearly 33% of my blood was alcohol. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. That was a time in my life that words cannot even begin to describe. Because at one time in my life I had my relationship with Jesus Christ I knew that abortion was just not going to ever be an option that would enter my mind. I decided to keep this child on my own. I had become such a selfish person that during my time of pregnancy all I could think of was how many parties I was missing and how I would be fat and not “fun†to hang out with any longer.
During my pregnancy and for some time after, I did not touch a sip of alcohol or come within 2 yards of a man. I began to make a half-hearted attempt at repairing my relationship with the Lord. I wanted to do what was right for my daughter, but I still wanted to allow that stronghold to tell me that I needed to stay sexy and keep myself noticed on the party scene. Having my daughter was tough for me not only socially but financially as well. The day I found that I was pregnant I quit my job at the club and began working in an office. However the cost of daycare without receiving child support was astronomical. I allowed Satan to seduce me back into the adult entertainment world.
I started back as a cocktail waitress on weekends to earn enough money to pay my daycare bills. But the schedule became so hectic working 7 days a week that I decided I need to make more money in less time. At 22 years old I began to topless dance. Something that I have learned in life is that when people feel that something is their only option, they will do anything possible to convince them self that it is okay and that they enjoy it. If you had asked me if I liked working at the bar and leaving each night after getting so much attention, drunk with a few hundred dollars, I would have said “Yes! It’s the time of my life!†However that would have been completely opposite of the truth. My relationship with my Savior was once again just a distant memory of a happier time. Almost like a former life that I dreamt about at night. I was only able to keep up the act for 5 months when I in a sense imploded. I was tired of having to beg people to watch my daughter so that I could go to work. I was tired of receiving hours upon hours of sexual attention only to feel completely and totally alone at the end of the night. I was tired of living a double life. I quit dancing just after my 23rd birthday.
I continued on in the corporate world not making enough to get by but hoping that someday I would. In November of 2005 I was working for a media company. There was a man that I worked with who was completely different form anyone that I had met before but I just couldn’t figure out why. He was so much like me in everything that he did. Overly happy on the outside though he had a hint of depression when you talked to him about his home life. Getting to know him I found out that he at one time had a strong personal relationship with the Lord also. As I listened to him tell his story about his life and how he had gotten so far away from the Lord’s call for him, something inside me woke up. For the first time in years I remembered what it felt like to want to help someone else. I opened my mouth and all of these encouraging God things started coming out. I was a bit in shock like “Whoa! I didn’t know that this stuff was still in there!" I could see how great the Lord's plan was for this person and I didn’t want to see him give up on his relationship with Christ or Christ’s calling for him!
Then I began to realize that I didn’t want to see anyone give up on their relationship with Christ. And for me to make a difference in helping other people, it starts with me! That was one of the biggest turning points in my life to date. Now at 25 years old it has been a year and 3 months since I re-dedicated my life to Jesus Christ. I have had to learn to accept forgiveness from Jesus for my sins and the hardest part, I have had to learn to forgive myself for the things that I have done to my own life. To learn and to truly grown in the Lord, I have had to humble myself before Him so many times and repent for giving in to Satan’s strongholds. And each time that I swallow my pride, admit my mistake, and honestly ask for forgiveness and help, it is given to me by my Lord. Because my God was tortured and hung from a cross, it is possible that I can have the wonderful gift of today. How do I ever say thank you? Each day when I get out of bed I make an attempt to do something with my life pleasing to God!
"Not that I have already obtained all this or have been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me!" Philippians 3:12
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