About Me
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WARNING DISCLOSURE: This story contains explicit material not suitable for children or young adults. If you are under 18, please ask permission from your parents to read this story.
What??? Did I read that right? What is a "Hooker for Jesus?" I am going to be real honest and candid on this site, so if you are tired of lies and want the truth, BUCKLE your seat belts and hang on! I believe in being REAL. Please read this story, and I will explain everything to you... because...
ANYTHING THAT WE HAVE TO HIDE HAS POWER OVER US!!!
I was a prostitute in the escort services in LAS VEGAS, (the public calls it "HIGH CLASS CALL GIRL") in the casinos, on the street, and I was an exotic dancer in the clubs. I did everything that you can imagine, saw and met people that I would never have thought would have even "ordered" a girl. MANY of them were very famous stars and influential people in society... I lived this lifestyle for over 11 years... and it just didn't happen overnight.
I was actually a "goodie two shoes" when I was growing up, I got very good grades in school and I always followed the "rules"--in fact you would considered me a "type A" personality. So how did the "good girl" eventually turn into a "bad girl"?
It all started when I was a little girl. I never felt really loved; there was abuse in my childhood that lowered my self-esteem to the degree that I became desperate for love. I tell you, I felt very rejected and broken-hearted all the time. When you are told a certain thing you are as a child, you tend to believe it. Point blank, I couldn't love my self, and did not think anyone else loved me. I didn't feel that I deserved it.
My first sexual experience happened with a close friend of mine when I was eight years old. I didn't know this was abuse at the time, but the truth of the matter is that I was violated. As a "family duty" I went to church every week, but because of the hypocrisy in the church and in my home, I couldn't really believe God was kind, so I hid my secret and feelings inside me. I also assumed that if God was somehow real, He was very angry at me! In other words... I imagined God with a big hammer getting ready to smash me if I did something wrong! I could not trust anyone.
Relationships? Huh!!! Couldn't manage to keep ANY because I was so messed up on the inside. As I grew up, I went to seven different schools because our family moved around so much. It was very difficult, and coming to each school as the "new" girl wearing garage sale clothing...well let's just say that kids back then could be very cruel if you were not rich, popular, and "perfect." A lot of the time, I felt very "rejected".
In high school it was considered "cool" to have sex. Even though this seemed true, I was still ,a virgin at 18. It did not last long, because my boyfriend at that time convinced me that if we had sex, we would become so much closer and he would "love" me more. I was 18 years old and knew NOTHING about the consequences of sex before marriage! I only slept with him because I didn't want to lose him! I loved this man and wanted to get married... but unfortunately he had an appetite for other woman and we broke up. Why did he lie to me??? I didn't get it! I was DEVASTATED!!! I remember coming home after the break up, crying uncontrollably to my mother, and she said to me, "Annie, you wear your heart on your sleeve." I wanted to kick him to the curb because... MY HEART WAS BROKEN! I was angry and hurt.
It was at that moment I decided to REBEL!!!
When you are brokenhearted with a will to "REBEL" what is your definition of love? My self-worth was defined by looking for love in all the WRONG places, in WRONG people--people with issues just like mine.
Breaking ALL the rules was my new way of life... and I LIKED IT!!!
You get the picture--PROMISCUITY, nightclubs, drinking and drug parties, hanging out in bad parts of town--listening to wrong (sexually perverted/degrading women/violent) types of music, MUSIC VIDEOS, TV, reading "fashion" magazines.
Believe it or not, this MEDIA--POP CULTURE and lifestyle I embraced had such a HUGE influence on me!
I was the "PARTY GIRL"! This is when the first of many rapes happened... In the process I became even more hurt, bitter, angry, rejected, LONELY, but most of all, more desperate to find the TRUTH.
I was always chasing just to belong, hungry for acceptance, just to be loved. When I gave my self sexually to men, for that brief moment, I felt "wanted" and "loved"... but if you told me I was beautiful, I wouldn't believe you. I didn't see that when I looked in the mirror. I saw a rejected tramp with a broken heart.
Rejection???
This HURT!!!
So I took POP CULTURE'S PILL... I wanted to try it and see if it really was as "cool" as the TV, music videos and movies portrayed it to be!!! The way that it was presented in the media... if you didn't do what everyone else was doing-by following the "styles" and "trends" and "lifestyle choices," you would be considered a "prude or a "weirdo nerd!"
With my already damaged self-esteem... I wanted to avoid this type of rejection at ALL costs.
I swallowed it WHOLE.
No one told me that I would have to lie about how I felt inside. Because I was striving so hard for success and love in order to remain strong.
I put on a MASK.
I had to wear it continually... pretending everything was "okay." My belief was that if I just put on a pretty smile, everything would be alright. But it wasn't. I kept burying my pain deep inside me. I just kept searching and experimenting, no matter WHAT the cost.
I might not look like it, but I did it ALL! I tell you the truth! Prostitution (street & high class call girl), exotic strip dancing, nude modeling, drugs of every kind, sex addiction, cutting, abortions--yes and miscarriages, masturbation addiction, pornography, dominance mistressing addiction, bisexuality, men addiction, gambling, binge drinking, smoking, anorexia, bulimia, and JAIL TIME... just to name a few.
I first got "turned out" in Hawaii, then went back to work in Minnesota as an escort, then an exotic dancer, and eventually that led me to Las Vegas, where the temptation of even BIGGER money tugged at my desires. I thought I could go to Vegas and get in and out quickly... leave with my fortune so I could finally go to music college (never could afford it). Little did I know what would REALLY happen with the choice that I had just made. I was in for the most dangerous ride of my ENTIRE life. What was intended to be six months turned into a NIGHTMARE lifestyle of over 11 long years.
You have to remember that ANYTHING out of balance will destroy you... and this was a life that I had PERSONALLY chosen (sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll) because I wanted to fill that "emptiness" inside of me. Why would a girl like me from Minnesota choose this way of living? Simple... I was in complete rebellion of the hurt that I had experienced earlier in my life. No one "twisted" my arm! My intense hunger for love and need for "revenge" would eventually consume me like a fire.
The allure and the "illusion" of the Las Vegas lifestyle of glamour, money, and sex had pulled me in the first moment I stepped off the plane. The "strip" looked so enticing and exciting... and the way that each casino flashed with sparkling lights on the outside beckoned at me with a voice saying, "Come in, Annie and find what you have been missing!!!" With all the elaborate lighting, gambling, and even the thought of the possibility of meeting a very wealthy client that would "rescue" me? Well, I COULDN'T RESIST IT!!!
Be honest... we all want to be "Pretty Woman" like Julia Roberts and have a prince come take us away, right?
Here is the truth: I never started out completely hating this industry... in fact, I actually LOVED it at first, because it gave me a sense of security--it made me feel glamorous and powerful. There was a certain "honeymoon" phase that I went through as a high-class call girl. The money, presents, parties, traveling, dinners, famous people calling... I literally got lost in the "hype" of the moment! After all, everyone wants that "bling bling" lifestyle, right???
Pop culture teaches us that "SIN" is glamorous... and I fell for it... hook, line and sinker.
But... everything that is superficially attractive has a "hidden" evil.
Here is the OTHER truth people don't want you to hear... that "glamorous" lifestyle took its toll on me, and that sense of security that I had... it turned out to be FALSE and I started slowly falling apart. Even though I looked like on the outside I had everything I ever wanted... inside of me was truly dying.
It was a continued fantasy of mine that I needed to "make it" and prove everyone wrong!!!
My mask would just get thicker... I would make money, give it away thinking it would buy me love, and then when that didn't work I would buy myself material things so I could feel "important" and "loved" on the inside. This went on for many years... and guess what? If I DID get that happy feeling it was only temporary... and then it started to turn into deep sadness because I knew no matter what I did to make myself "feel" better, it just wasn't working!
I can't tell you how many nights I slept "alone" with a man in my bed. No one knew my secrets, my pain, and my inner shame. So in the end I hated being a prostitute and exotic dancer--and no matter what people will tell you about that lifestyle, it really does rip you apart until you have absolutely NOTHING left--and, you will lose your soul in the process!
Without even realizing it, I had become a slave to the sex industry... but no one at the time could point that out to "Fallen" (me), for she had made the choice to do it on her own.
Who was "Fallen" you ask? It was the name I picked as a stripper and escort girl. When you work in the sex industry you are told that you need a "dancer" name to separate yourself from your private life. Little did I know that "FALLEN" was slowly going to "take over" my ENTIRE life.
Nightmare clients??? No, way, that only happens in movies!!! At first I thought I was invincible... that nothing or no one could ever hurt me. After all, I worked for a "high class" escort service, right? Well it wasn't true and I had to find out the hardest way possible... for my first of many rapes as a call girl was by gunpoint. Many times I was tied up, kept hostage, and beat into submission. This should scare a girl, right? Well it did more than you can imagine--I started to really feel terrified and paranoid every time I knocked on the door of a new client. I even feared that the next door that would open to my knocking would be my last! I had so much anxiety because of this!!!
Sex for money is NOT pleasurable, it is NOT fun, us girls DO NOT enjoy it--in fact there were many times I just wanted to hurt the man that was touching me! This is why it was easy for me to be a dominatrix... I had to be the best actress all of time just to make sure I got paid. Men actually thought I enjoyed what I did. How could men think this? It was a flat out LIE! This is SEXUAL ABUSE in its worst form--a jail cell of your mind. When you are with so many men day in and day out... the job of escorting becomes your own "personal" prison.
Many times I just wanted to die when I went to sleep at night after I worked, I felt so dirty, sleazy--I felt had no way out--because... who would actually RESPECT me or let alone LOVE ME if they found out what I did for a living?
NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE knew what I did for a living except for my associates that were also "call girls." So, I kept it my secret of being an escort the WHOLE time I was in it. Even the limelight tempted me... but because of the shame associated with sex for money I would not submit to it. Many times during the porn conventions, the porn producers would call the escort services and ask me to "make a porno"... but I never did it because I wanted to keep my "escort lifestyle" VERY hush hush.
As I hid in the "underworld" of Las Vegas, my SELFISH desires to feel better drove me to do things that I would have NEVER done otherwise--had I not been so deeply injured and full of anger on the inside. I wanted to get back at men somehow... and if I could "use" them like they "used" me, I thought this would make things EVEN for my pain. We sometimes do crazy things just to block what we are feeling... Devastation!! Guilt!! Pain!! But mostly SHAME!!!
So, what happened to me eventually as an sex industry entertainer?
I was beaten, raped, kidnapped, held hostage, strangled, suffocated, guns put in my mouth, hair cut off, tied up, gagged, put in trunks of cars, bones broken, spit on, kicked, pushed, stalked by crazy men, and during that time I WAS PIMPED for five years.
This was done to the extent that I didn't even know who I was anymore... I literally became the alter ego named "Fallen" because she was strong, she could handle all of it without mental damage, she could get up after being punched and "knocked out" with no problem... right? She HAD to take over... because she was the only one at the time that could keep that little girl Annie alive.
I never thought that I would ever be pimped... in fact I was against it. But I fell in love with mine before I even knew he was a pimp, and because I wanted to prove my love, I decided to try the "game" and give it a chance. I thought, it couldn't be all that bad, like the TV and media portrayed, could it? Just like before, I had to learn the hard way! It didn't matter how many times that I was mistreated I NEVER got used to it. But I would not leave because I was so in love. Every time it happened, a piece of me (Annie) died and "Fallen" would get stronger.
I actually wanted him to brag to the other "old school" pimps that I was "the best girl he had ever had!"
The truth is this, I would have DIED for him... and was willing to go where no other girl would go, just to make him happy! I never let anyone know that he was my "pimp" but would get dirty looks when I was with him... and I started to experience "hate" from others towards him. This hurt me and it drove me to even stand up for him. You know why? Because the hip-hop music I was listening to and the other "pimp" friends we were around had me convinced that "white" society as a whole had it out for them! I actually got upset, and believed that I could help by giving my pimp money... that it would change this unhealthy "oppression" mentality of slavery from the civil war era. In other words, I wanted to "fix" the hurt deep inside his heart.
Is it possible in my ignorance of the truth, that I unknowingly become the "white" slave???
At this point I didn't care... because I was "in love" and understood his pain... for I had seen prejudice when I was with him first hand! After all, here I was working as a prostitute and had someone that actually accepted me for who I was and what I did for a living! I was convinced that he loved me--you could not tell me otherwise at the time. This belief inside of my heart prompted me to try and prove that society's thoughts were wrong about pimps--and how they did not understand the REAL reason why the pimps had chosen their profession.
What I am positive about is that there was NEVER intended harm to me on my pimp's part... he would continue to apologize to me and I would continue to forgive him. I couldn't help it! I always wanted to somehow "rescue" him believe it or not! This turned into a cycle of severe abuse.
I felt sorry for him because of the severe abuse HE experienced when he was a little child. When I say rough, I mean he REALLY had it tough as a boy. He did not have a father growing up either... and I believe because of this he didn't know any other way. Tell me, what does a boy with no father learn in the streets when "the streets" are his family?
HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE!!!
Do you even KNOW what REAL pimping is like? IT IS NOT THE PERSON DOING IT! IT IS THE SPIRIT OF SEXUAL LUST, MONEY, AND POWER CONTROLLING THEM!
What key market is this "media" targeting to make money off "sexual" suggestive material in the music, video games, music videos, TV, movies, the internet--even in kids toys? (dolls) OUR KIDS! Teenagers! Because if they can get the kids/teens at such a young age to influence the parents to "buy" what the media is telling them is "cool," they will have customers for life!!! Future porn addicts, sex addicts, drug users, rapists, prostitutes, strippers, porn stars, pimps, etc... all in the name of MONEY.
Are we as society being "pimped out" in our media??? Hmmm...
and.... has "POP CULTURE" became our "PIMP?"
"THE DEVIL IS A PIMP DON'T BE HIS HO"
(quote from Minister RMB of "Don't Be Pimped")
Isn't it a tragedy that everyone uses this "PIMP" term so lightly on our TV, media, and music? Some people think it is okay to "throw" this around in daily conversation. Is the media teaching our young men that it is okay to use and degrade women, that it is cool and profitable to be a pimp?
You want REAL TRUTH??? Women are NOT robots and we do not enjoy the "sex" acts nor slavery that comes with selling our bodies. We have feelings and cannot just "shut them down" while we are or were prostitutes/strippers. We hurt, we bleed, and we cry. We are sisters, mothers, daughters, friends, cousins, nieces, LITTLE GIRLS.
You might not understand completely why I stayed with him for so long. I will tell you why. I was determined to prove that he really did LOVE me! After all, he always said we would both retire one day and be married... and never have to deal with this lifestyle again... with wealth and happiness... happily ever after! Romantic idea, right???
I was going to leave one weekend... but somehow he found out what I was planning. Scary thought, considering that he had hurt me many times before. He didn't hit me this time. This time he tied me up hog style and put me in my OWN Mercedes TRUNK in my garage--with the car running. He told me that he was going to drive me out to the desert and bury me. As the trunk closed, darkness crept in. He just left me there, and fear took over.
Was I going to die? How did I get myself into this situation? Could I get out of the trunk somehow?
I started to really panic... and the only thing that I instinctively could do in my fear was sing to Jesus. I sang "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so." You are not going to believe it if I tell you... my pimp came back out into the garage and said to me "You really are a crazy BXXXH!!! singing to Jesus!" He proceeded to untie me and let me out!
All I know is that what I sang made him pop open that trunk, untie me and let me go. That night he flew out of Vegas and I knew my next move and what I HAD to do...
ESCAPE!!!
I woke up and realized that this "fantasy" of a good life with him would never happen, as much as I did not want to admit. As I drove away there were tears in my eyes and a deep, aching pain in my heart. I had wanted the relationship to work out so badly. I had wanted to be the one to change his life!!! But I couldn't... and it was the worst feeling knowing that no matter what I did, he was not going to change... at least not while I was around.
Here is the shocker... I did not necessarily leave only because I was being abused physically and mentally... I left because I could not handle the pain of "sharing" him with other women (called wife-in-laws). This was the part that hurt me the VERY most. My thoughts and plans were to "cure" his lusts for other women and money... but when this type of lifestyle (pimping game) gets deep under your skin and you live it for so long, it is all that you know.
What happened next? You REALLY want to know?
I got KIDNAPPED a few months later at a gas station by him and his friends! One night I was filling my car with gas, and the next thing I knew I got hit on the head with binoculars, (I still have the scar) thrown into a Mercedes Benz, and was getting punched continually as the car was being driven 70 mph down a city street. Talk about the feeling of death coming... and pain... real FEAR!!!
I was then driven to a pimp's lair. For the next seven hours I was stripped completely NAKED, punched in the head (so many times I could not count). I then was told I had to bend my head down as they proceeded to cut all of my long hair off!!! By this time my nose had been broken, and I had been beat HARD with an iron poker from the fireplace on my right leg--all while I was getting "spit" on and screamed at for leaving my pimp. This was all done in front of six other pimps that claimed to be my friends.
My pimp had really lost it... and let his anger take control of him. Again, was he really mad at me? Or was he living out deep rooted issues--from his childhood... with a combination of "peer" pressure to perform in from of the other pimps?
The bottom line is this... when you are someone's bread and butter, they will do crazy things to make sure that you don't leave and make money without them.
Believe it or not, after that night I managed to escape... and in a way that was really shocking... but I will leave the rest of this story for my book!!!
Even though I had left my pimp, I was back to my old tricks again... now even MORE determined than ever to "make it!" In other words, STRONG REBELLION from me being treated unfairly took over my very soul! It was then a very deadly "detour" was put in my path... I got really sick--I developed Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (CANCER) while I was still working!
"What??? There MUST be a mistake doctor, I am so young, how can this be???"
The doctors say that this type of cancer can be caused by severe emotional trauma, high stress, and a feeling of low self-worth. I was told that I was in stage two of the cancer... I had lymph nodes in my neck and my lungs were FULL of tumors... and my chances of beating it were not very good. I was scared to say the least... but mostly in SHOCK!!!
Did I give up working then??? NO! I was in denial of just WHY it was happening to me. I then had to go through RADIATION and CHEMO for two years!!!
I didn't like the idea of losing my hair again, because it had finally all grown back, and it was long! The doctors at first told me that I would only need radiation done to my entire body (excluding my spine and brain) and that I would only lose the hair below my earlobes. But after one year of radiation (and severe sickness) new tests came back that showed the cancer had moved around my spine (clever little devil) and I needed aggressive CHEMO for one whole year to stop it!
I lost ALL my hair--and I would actually go on escort calls wearing wigs! It was awful because I was bald, not to mention VERY sick--but I had to pay my cancer bills! I would have to take care of my client and then run to the bathroom and vomit afterwards, trying to hide the tears the whole time.
You would think a girl like me would have "woken" up, finally! Nope. I continued to work despite how sick I was. After all, I had to PROVE to everyone and myself that I could MAKE IT without anyone's help... that I could take care of this little girl and she would be all right!
Why wasn't this lifestyle working for me? I will tell you why! The more I let men "buy" me in exchange for sexual favors, the more I saw that they were only after one thing--my body. I was just like a piece of meat for sale with a UPC code on it. Not my mind, not my spirit, not who Annie was, but "Fallen," the fallen angel.
I even fell into my client's way of thinking, that if I gave people that I loved money they would love me back! (Not sexually, either.) So, in a sense, I too became the "trick." Hence my reason for having my pimp and numerous "boyfriends" that allowed me to work. But did they REALLY love me? Did they really have my future welfare in mind? Did they think this lifestyle was okay to be in? If so, then why wouldn't they REALLY take me out of it?
Question--how does a man truly "love" you if he knows you are sleeping with other men??? Because this is something that I would tell my tricks(aka "johns"): "I love you baby, and I will take care of you IF you will take care of me financially." Come on! WAS I THAT STUPID? I don't THINK so!
What it REALLY got down to was this: what was everyone's HIDDEN AGENDA? Were they being nice to me because they wanted something from me--my body--or my money??? No one wanted the REAL Annie, the girl who had hopes and dreams, the girl that was intelligent--the girl that was a singer, an artist, a friend, a daughter, and a little girl. This brought me such a feeling of emptiness that I was so desperate to fill!
Then something very tragic happened... my sister died at the very young age of 31. She was my BEST friend! Then my Uncle Richard died, my Grandpa Osgar died, and my dad had cancer--all within a period of five months! So as you can imagine, I was pretty mad at God and I wasn't sure if He was even real. When I say I was mad, I mean, I was ANGRY... and not sure if I would make it. I thought, "Why would He put me through all this if he really loves me?"
I then started to feel so guilty and thought that I was being "punished" for living the lifestyle that I chose... I thought that I actually deserved having cancer. I felt so sorry for myself. I felt that no one wanted to take care of me--no one even cared that I was sick. That thought made me even MORE rebellious and I thought that everyone "owed" me something. So, I kept working because I didn't want to come out of prostitution with nothing to show for it. (Could that be pride?)
Believe it or not, after I was cured of the cancer, I started doing drugs. You would think that I would have had enough pain and shock by experiencing cancer! To tell you the truth, there was a type of pain inside me that was far worse than the physical pain of being sick. My heart was breaking, my will to keep fighting was dying, and the repetitive abuse of verbal, physical and sexual assault was catching up with me as I was an escort! At first, I did pain killers that were prescribed to me for cancer and back pain. I did not consider myself addicted, because I was taking what was only allowed by each prescription... right???
As my mind and body started to become altered and "numbed" for the pain, my proud claim of "I would NEVER do drugs!" became a lie! I was then tempted with the drug even the DEVIL himself does not want--COCAINE!!! Even though I was flat out against it all of my life, I decided to try it because of a dare at a girlfriend’s birthday party. I was INSTANTLY addicted! That led to other things on a DEEPER DOSE and level--pain pill addiction, (OXY-CONTIN, LORCETS, LORTABS), somas, Xanax, Valium, METH, smoking, and drinking. I became a gamble-holic eventually because of the excessive drugs--I could never gamble sober! I would sit at the casinos after work and "zone out" on a poker machine for hours... sometimes days, trying to "win" my money back. Pretty soon it carried over into work; I no longer could work the escort services sober. I ALWAYS had to do a line or pop pills before I walked into a room. So I would work, make money, give it all away. Day in and day out--this was a road that had no end that I could see.
I was a walking time bomb--ready to explode. What could happen next? I tried all kinds of different "beliefs" like Vampirism, Wiccanism, Buddhism, free masonry, new ageism, etc. But NOTHING filled that "void" inside me.
Destiny had it's way with me... I met this man on a call on in 1992, he was VERY sweet to me--and over the years we kept in contact with each other and became very good friends. He actually was instrumental in getting me to quit... and I did, in 1998. WOW! Finally! I thought, my dreams of becoming "happy" would fully come true! Could a "high-society, square" lifestyle really be my answer??? I wanted to see--so I put my full heart into it! Running a successful car business and making sure my boyfriend was happy was ALL I lived for!
Sound familiar, anyone???
We lived a fast life in the "corporate" business world, flying back and forth to Japan. We had expensive sports cars, jewelry, houses, nice bank account, etc. I should have been extremely happy--but I wasn't. You want to know why? Because I had filled the void of my emptiness with a new kind of God to worship... the god of sex,money and success. Here was the kicker... even though I had that "plush" lifestyle--I could NOT forget my past and what I had done. It kept "haunting me" wherever I turned. Certain songs, places, people's faces--all brought back the pain and regret that I thought I had buried by quitting prostitution. I then started to have TERRIBLE nightmares. TOTAL FALLOUT!
What I had failed to realize about the choices I had made in my life, was that there was a consequence to pay. I didn't know it at the time, but I had developed a disorder what doctor's call today, "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, what is it? It is a tragic psychological condition often called "shell shock" and "post rape syndrome." Did you know that 69 percent of war veterans get this condition after witnessing and experiencing traumatic events from war??? Did you also know that people in the SEX INDUSTRY have the SAME exact percentage??? (69 percent) Here I was... out of the industry but inside my mind a continual battle was going on of the events I had experienced as a prostitute and stripper!
PTSD brought me night terrors, nightmares, insomnia, memory flashbacks, memory lapses, asthma, clinical depression, loss of appetite, anxiety attacks--so bad I got hooked on Xanax. I could NOT function without it.
Even the "corporate" world had me thinking that I was a failure--for at the end of our company's closing, we lost EVERYTHING. I had quit drugs for a few years, and thought I really had it together until the corporation failed. And there I was doing coke again, but this time FREE BASING it--I could not get "high" enough for all the personal disappointment and pain inside of myself. I used to laugh at crack addicts as they would search on the ground for their little "rocks." BUT HERE I WAS DOING THE VERY SAME THING I MADE FUN OF!!! I HAD REALLY REACHED "ROCK BOTTOM" --LITERALLY!!!
Was this a relapse? I would stay up for days on end getting so drunk and high, then pass out on my floor in my walk-in closet in my million dollar home, with my drugs, wine and cigarettes to keep me company. I would wrap myself in my mink coat and rock back and forth... singing to myself... terrified of my past... but more afraid of my future.
Just HOW would I face my family? How would I face my friends? WHO was I and WHAT had I become? Did I mess my life up so bad that I would never have a real existence? A real family, a job, a home??? Was I just a junkie, a prostitute, a worthless piece of trash? With tears and mascara running down my face, I would cry... "God where are you? WHY??? I'm messed up God, why me? I'm mad at you, God! Why is this happening to me?"
I was so lonely, bitter, and often I would write letters to my deceased sister Diana asking her why she had to die... then I would get mad at God and write a letter to Him, asking Him why I had to suffer so much--my tears smearing the very page I was writing on. I felt so alone and rejected... yet I knew somewhere far far away was God's soft presence trying to pull away the cobwebs of my damaged soul and bring me back to Him.
Could I have possibly overestimated my own strength and endurance??? Was it hard to admit to others that I was really falling apart and that I couldn't handle this pain on my own? WAS IT EVEN HARDER FOR ME TO ADMIT IT TO MYSELF?
During my life in the sex industry I have had seven friends that have died. One died in her cab of a drug overdose, one was shot point blank in the face in a whorehouse, one was strangled in a hotel room and put in a suitcase, one was stabbed to death by her client, the other got killed in jail, another just recently died of bladder cancer, and another just died of AIDS. Could there possibly been a better outcome for my friends???
The media and sex industry has SOLD the lie that this is a profitable profession and that the women love doing it. So, if that is true, what would these men and women say if they were alive? That they "loved working as a prostitute???" So much that they would DIE doing it??? Where is the line that we draw in the sand? When is "enough" really enough????
LIES!
I couldn't take it anymore!!!
This "illusion" of materialism, success, and sexual desire had finally gotten the best of me... and I snapped.
I had given up. I knew no matter what I did, nothing mattered to me anymore. I didn't care what happened to me... I just wished that I could "fade" into nonexistence.
I literally HATED who I had become!!!
I had so much pain, ANGER, shame, GUILT, and regret in my life that I just wanted to erase it! So, I literally took it too far--I overdosed on cocaine, alcohol, Xanax, pain pills, and somas one night. I took a hit of cocaine and I thought I was going to die; the pain in my chest was so scary--as I fell to the ground all I could see was my life flashing before me. I was in TOTAL DARKNESS, no light, no sound--just me and the feeling of real death. My ears were ringing really loud... the aloneness crept in like a black blanket--I had NEVER been so scared in all my life, it was literally HELL!
I was frozen, I couldn't move, I couldn't see. I was separated from everyone I had ever known, even the presence of God. I was waiting in anxiety for the flames to appear... I instinctively could only say the name of Jesus from my lips... "Jesus, I am sorry!!!" "Jesus! Please, Jesus forgive me!" I thought, "NOOOO!! I can't die like this! Jesus, if you are real, please give me another chance!!!" Now I had prayed this prayer before ONLY IN EMERGENCY and always wondered why God didn't always hear me... and here was the difference--I REALLY MEANT IT THIS TIME. There was no more CRYING WOLF!!! As the sirens rang out from the ambulance, I prayed to Him that if He saved me I would tell the whole world about His salvation and who He is. Well, Jesus came to my rescue...
THE MASK WAS BROKEN AND CAME OFF!!!
That girl I used to be? --"FALLEN"--
SHE DIED THAT DAY!!!
Finally, my prayer was answered and REAL TRUTH was being revealed to me for the FIRST time in my life!
Shortly after I overdosed on cocaine, my dear friend Al that got me out of the prostitution game noticed that I was watching Joyce Meyer on TV... to be honest with you I was so drawn to her teachings... they spoke LIFE into my spirit. So, that Christmas he bought me a few of her books. I started reading the Bible and her books and really getting filled with the truth... and the defining moment came when I heard Joyce say to the TV audience, "God loves you!" and my heart completely melted!
WHAT? You mean, God loves ME????!!! After ALL THAT I HAVE DONE??? He's not MAD at me??? AND I will have eternal life on top of it???
"Yes, Annie. I love you... and there is NOTHING that will separate you from My love again." And for the first time in my life, I could really hear God's voice speaking to me... as tears welled up in my eyes I got on my knees in front of the TV...
This was incredible! I never knew this... that God loved ME... because NO ONE ever told me these wonderful words before! Those very words struck a chord in me and stayed with me day and night. Then I did something back then I would have considered crazy. I ACTUALLY HAD THE NERVE TO BELIEVE IT! It is then that my walk with God became so much deeper than just the desperation of the overdose. I decided to take the leap of faith and completely dedicate my ENTIRE life to Him... JESUS.
I surrendered it, finally... all the pain, all the disappointments, all the lies, all the shame... ALL THE GUILT!!! Because trying to get better on my own WAS NOT WORKING. Guess what? I never turned back because...
I finally found the TRUTH. And it was not in some man, materialism, drug, or fantasy. It is in a Man that will never leave you nor forsake you. He is faithful, merciful, graceful, kind, but most of all he loves me for ME and NOT who I used to be!
He loves us unconditionally, and it doesn't MATTER where we have been and how many wrong things we may have done. So, you ask yourself, what kind of person could forgive the mess I've made???
His name is Jesus Christ. When I CHOSE to fully believe that He died in place of ME for my sins... it literally changed my perspective on life!
WOW! HE REALLY DIED FOR ME??? NO WAY!
This sounded too good to be true... but because I had tried everything else, I decided to simply believe, because I had nothing else to lose!
Jesus is so merciful, full of grace and love! Do you even know this??? He just wanted a relationship! BUT THE ONLY WAY HE FINALLY GOT MY ATTENTION WAS BECAUSE I HAD NO WHERE TO GO--I HAD TO FACE DEATH IN THE FACE TO KNOW THAT HE WAS THERE.
Jesus wanted me reach out to Him for help, so He could finally show me His unconditional love--there were "no strings" attached. He wanted me to simply trust Him. He also showed me something I was in need of desperatly--FORGIVENESS. And because of that, I could finally forgive others.
Blinded by my own pity, I realized where most of my pain was centered. It was in MYSELF... the failures, the regrets, the GUILT!!! I thought, if Jesus could forgive me, then could I possibly forgive myself? So I did it!!!
I forgave myself for all the terrible things that I had done, and the yoke of bondage and guilt was "lifted" from my back.
Do you know what??? It is a CHOICE people!!! You will be FREE if you decide to not listen to the devil's lies anymore and you choose to FORGIVE others, but mostly YOURSELF!!!
FREEDOM! No matter what we do wrong, HE continues to do what is right in our lives!
"IF WE ARE NOT FAITHFUL, HE WILL BE FAITHFUL. BECAUSE CHRIST CANNOT DENY WHO HE IS!!!" 2 TIMOTHY 2:13
I had focused my life on the bad choices; the pain, the guilt, the regret... and it eventually had the power to put me into a very deep "sleep." Because I was so into my own demise and self pity, I lost all focus on what was really going on around me! Combined with the need to succeed, my WORSHIP of man, money and "status"... I WAS LOST... LITERALLY!!!
Uh-oh!!! Did I say WORSHIP??? Yes I did! I figured out that my WORSHIP of these "worldly" things...(men, SEX, money, power, status) covered up my feelings of inadequecy and temporarily gave me a "fix" to hide my REAL problems within myself.
I had put all of my "trust" into man and worldly things that would eventually fade away...
But when I finally WOKE UP from the slumber party that the world had put me in, I realized that it was ALL a facade. I could finally see!!
TALK ABOUT A REVELATION!!! Revelation means to reveal the truth... and this truth was so powerful! I was so excited to know that God revealed it to me...and I could NOT contain it anymore!
Hey, maybe I could use my pain to help others?
WOW! Are you kidding me? You mean I can take this mess that I have gone through and actually help someone else??? That's POWERFUL!!! Your pain can be your reign! Jesus just wanted a relationship with me so that He could show me a better life. But I ran from my pain and started trying to find my "own" happiness. Don't you see?
Most of us have all played this vicious game: RUN & CHASE. Chase after the things you think will make you "happy" and then run from them when you realize that these "things" or "lifestyle" is nothing but terrible pain. This will continue until you come to the very end of yourself. I KNOW... I did it! When you have had enough... well, just HOW MUCH is enough, you ask???
I tell you the truth, the devil has NO limit--he will continue to deceive and manipulate your thinking until all you have left is NOTHING BUT THE TRASH OF EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE. This is his only mission... to DESTROY you.
"THE THIEF COMES ONLY IN ORDER TO STEAL, KILL AND DESTROY. BUT I CAME THAT YOU MAY HAVE AND ENJOY LIFE, AND HAVE IT IN ABUNDANCE TO THE FULL, TILL IT OVERFLOWS" JOHN 10:10
I didn't know this verse at the time and I didn't know the promises in God's word that could save me from myself. So, I remained broken hearted, hurt, defeated, depressed, tired, GUILTY... but UNTIL I decided that ENOUGH was ENOUGH and my old self (the "Fallen" alter-ego) was finally willing to die, this is when God could finally speak to me!
Don't you see?
I HAD to be completely BROKEN so He could fix me!
AND the most important part: I HAD TO HATE WHERE I WAS AND WHAT I HAD BECOME!!!!!!!!!!!
Question... Are you done fighting?
Are you tired of it all?
Do you "hate" what you are doing or who YOU have become?
Are you tired of putting your "trust" into materialism, success, fame, SEX, and flawed humanity?
I KNEW I WAS!!!
So I did it!!! I stopped "chasing" happiness, I stopped "running" from the pain. Ever heard the song, "Running from the Devil?" How true is that?
I ran from my home and my painful situation only to run into more defeat. This is what we REALLY need to get: We need to run into the arms of God the Father and ask him for forgiveness... "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD."
He wants us to face our fears... so we can walk through the door we have been avoiding. It's not locked. We just need to turn the knob and walk in. When we do this, we face our pain and THEN God can move to heal us! If you are fearful, THEN DO IT AFRAID! There will be a huge reward behind it!
Wha...what Annie??? You mean I have to do it afraid???
Can I tell you something people--while you are "waiting" to "feel" like facing your fears the train is going to be gone already. Do you want to keep suffering and having no victory in your life?
Besides, fear IS NOT OF GOD! You will never know it unless you try, and would you rather DIE in the fear of your past regrets and mistakes? OR knowing that you gave it your BEST shot by deciding to believe and trust God to walk through?
GET OUT OF THE BOAT OF FEAR!!!
"Anything that you fear has power and authority over you, and sooner or later, you are going to come back full circle, and you are going to have to deal with it!"
quote, Joyce Meyer
Get a revelation! Sorry, your life isn't always going to be bed of roses... with or without God. WE ARE HUMAN!!! duh! But I can reassure you that you will NOT be alone anymore, because God will be walking WITH you... Jesus says He will "never leave us nor forsake us." Many times I have fallen BUT I GOT RIGHT BACK UP! I also know for a FACT that WITH God that it won't be boring and meaningless--it will be radical, exciting, and passionate... but most of all full of real LOVE and HOPE!!!
Face it, nobody's perfect and God isn't expecting you to be. If you really try, God will help you walk your new life of freedom. Can you tell me something? Could it get any worse than it is now?
How desperate do we all have to get people? Until were sick with cancer, addicted, depressed, until we die... and then go to HELL??? It will be too late by then!!! Hey, take it from me, I tried BOTH worlds without God, the crime world and the corporate world--and NOTHING brought me JOY and PEACE and DELIVERANCE but God.
If God could love me AND forgive me with as much "junk" as I got into... HE CAN DO IT FOR YOU TOO!!!
He put it all together for me, because when you actually KNOW the truth about yourself and WHY you've done what you've done, it sets you completely free! Sin becomes your personal prison if you don't know this truth. My prison was the lie Satan told me that I was unworthy to be loved. Unworthy because of the bad things that I had done---LIAR! Ha! "Fallen" is dead devil! My secrets are out, and no longer can YOU torment me!!! Whom the Son sets free is free indeed!! I am free and out of the cocoon sin put me in! Jail time YOU ARE OVER!!! I am now truly a BUTTERFLY... LOVED BY GOD--and you are too!
God really loves you! Yes, YOU! The person that is living in defeat! Don't let the devil steal your joy any longer! Ask Jesus into your heart and watch how He can radically change your life!
Do you REALLY want those shackles taken off? Did you KNOW that Jesus died so you could be FREE? Do you REALLY want to be free??? Do you want to walk out of that "jail cell" of your mind? Then pray this prayer:
Dear Jesus,
I love you.
I come to you today with all my problems, for I am weary with trying to fix them on my own. I ask you for a second chance... and I believe that you can give me one. I am sick and tired of the mask I am wearing and I just want to be real again!! So Jesus, I surrender everything to you! I don't want to "worship" what the world claims is "happiness" anymore. I want TRUE happiness, I want you!!!
I ask that you forgive me for my shortcomings and all my sin. I want to have eternal life with you! I believe that you died for my sins and rose to life on the third day. I believe that you are the living Son of God. Come into my empty heart to live and send your Holy Spirit. Fill me with your peace, passion, and love. Change me from the inside out so I may finally walk in the perfect destiny that you have for me. Show me how to live my new life... open my eyes to your truth and crush the lies that the devil has put in my mind! I put my trust in you, oh Lord. Thank you Jesus! Amen!
If you prayed this prayer with your whole heart and meant it today... YOU ARE SAVED--and the angels are rejoicing over you in heaven! Your name has been added to the book of LIFE!!! Congratulations!
Because of WHO Jesus is and what He has done for us, forgiveness is offered to us freely!!! That we may be justified from ALL things from which we could NOT be justified by the law of Moses. In other words, we cannot EARN our salvation by good works, we can only receive it through the Son of God, Jesus Christ.
And the best deal about it is that it is a FREE gift... you need only to accept it!
"Jesus Christ was the propitiation (wrath-satisfying sacrifice) for not our sins only, but also for the sins of the whole world." 1 John 2:2
"THEREFORE IF ANY PERSON IS IN CHRIST HE IS A NEW CREATION; THE OLD HAS PASSED AWAY. BEHOLD, THE FRESH AND NEW HAS COME"!
2 Corinthians 5:17
Finally, the MOST defining moment came in my life when Jesus came to me in a dream... at a bus stop in New York believe it or not! He lifted His soft, yet firm hands to me and held mine and with inches away from my face we were looking into each others eyes... and can I tell you something? It was the most magnificant, beautiful sight I have ever seen in my life! One eye was a bright sapphire blue and the other was a deep emerald green with sparkles in them unlike anything I could describe! He looked at me with such tenderness and compassion, no physical words exchanged. His eyes read me completely to the depths of my soul... heart... spirit. He saw everything I had ever done good AND bad and everything I had pain and fear over. The funny thing was that I was not embarrassed. I felt so peaceful and loved. No words were needed... just the deepest, intense look of real LOVE coming from his face and eyes. He really "got" me. I mean, He let me know that He was absolutely CRAZY about me! It was incredible!
If we could ALL just see and understand just how much Jesus really loves us!!!
That was the VERY best part... that I FELT His love FOR REAL for the very first time in my heart! I GOT IT! What He needed to say came directly from His very eyes!!! The eyes of the Savior told me He loved me... that He had always loved me... He understood my pain, but it was now OVER! That He has healed me... and that I am whole again... that I didn't have to run anymore, that I was finally home!!! I felt so full of joy and inner peace. To try to describe it here would do it injustice. As He turned, I followed Him around the corner and He was with two women... as I looked on to follow, He turned towards me and gave me the biggest smile you could ever imagine.
I will NEVER forget Jesus' face!!!
I knew by me choosing follow Him and not turning away from Him that I had obeyed!
I FELT SO COMPELLED...
I KNEW what I had to do... reveal my story to ALL the people across the ENTIRE world and tell them of Jesus’ everlasting compassion and grace!
I have NEVER been the same since. You want to know what??? My life now is full of purpose and real PASSION!
I am healed, whole, and not ashamed of what I went through--in fact, it empowers me to help others!
Can I really be honest with you? I feel so FREE, that I no longer regret the choices I made in my past life... because they have built great character in me... and I would not be the woman I am today had I not walked in the darkness... for now it can be used for GOOD!!!
Jesus came into my heart... and He literally took my life BACK from the devil.
I finally KNOW who I am!
NO bad thing I have done can EVER haunt me again. My real dad and I have reconciled our relationship! I love him and have always loved him--and he also loves me. I have forgiven my dad, for he only did what was done to him--and he finally saw this and apologized to me. The chain of fools is BROKEN!
I have forgiven my pimp and everyone else that I was offended with. I pray for my X-pimp everyday and know that God has a HUGE plan for him!
It seems so easy to get angry at the pimps, doesn't it? But we have to remember that the only way that we are going to win them and help them out of their lifestyles is to love them first. Love ALL of these men without severe judgment and look beyond what they are doing!!! If we can show these men the root of their issues and help them really heal--pimping wouldn't be so rampant! They are controlled by the DEVIL because HE IS THE REAL PIMP! Men are being used and TRICKED just like the girls! I also believe that the call on these men's lives to be leaders, teachers, and preachers has been sidetracked by this "pimping" lie. IT IS A COUNTERFEIT FOR THEIR DESIRE FOR SUCCESS!!! That their REAL destiny is something so powerful--something they couldn't even imagine, because it would change the very world that we are in. I KNOW this, because I see this possible POSITIVE future in my X-pimp.
FORGIVENESS!!! Forgive and you will be set free!!!
Yeah! I will tell anyone that asks me, "Just why are you so happy?" And it's not a secret. I've been saved by my Knight in shining armor--JESUS!
I have FINALLY decided to accept the free gift of GRACE that Jesus has forgiven ME and REALLY did die for my sins...
To tell you the truth I have NEVER been happier in all of my life! But this, my friends, was God's perfect plan...
"YOU (the devil) INTENDED HARM TO ME, BUT GOD INTENDED IT ALL FOR GOOD. HE BROUGHT ME TO THIS POSITION SO I COULD SAVE THE LIVES OF MANY PEOPLE" Genesis 50:20
That's right devil... what you meant for evil... God has changed for good and now I can SAVE OTHERS from my experience!!!
Now I can explain HOOKER FOR JESUS? WHAT is a hooker for Jesus? Well, first of all, the meaning for "HOOKER" is a clipper style boat made for fishing in the 1600s. Hooker also means a "fish hook." I believe that God is tired of people thinking that this is such a "dirty" word... so, I am taking the name back for HIM!
