Jan Jan the Can Can GirL

Then Jesus told them this parable: "Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home..." Howdy! I'm Janice AKA CanCanGirl. I love life despite all its dramas. I love being who I am and the reason for that is because more than anything I love Jesus and he loves me. He changed me. Cause I never use to be very happy or very nice before I knew him. Please do make sure you fasten your seatbelts and get ready for a ride down the road of my life! Every little girl is born with a soft heart ready to be filled with good things. Every little girl wants to be loved and experience good things in life. Children have the ability to dream big. They don’t see the world as daunting. No, they see it as one big opportunity to feel and experience all that they can. They see the world as big and exciting! Everyone is their friend…they walk up to strangers and smile at them. Their father is a hero, their mother the best friend they could ever have. Every little girl wants love and will reach out freely for it. This was me in the earliest years of my life. I was energetic, vibrant, hungry for new experiences, sensitive and kind hearted to everyone. Boys were fun to play in the dirt with. Girls were the coolest to play dress ups and have tea parties with. Big people were the ones to run to if a little person hurt me or stole my toys. Once upon a time everything in the world was safe because I wasn’t afraid. What happened to a little girl who as a teenager she is no longer energetic, vibrant and free? What is it that makes her depressed and rebellious when once everything was fun and rules were for following because they kept her safe? If you look into the heart of such a teenage girl or young woman, you will find a treasured little girl who is beaten, bruised and crushed. The world was no longer a safe place for the little girl so she went away inside a tough, hardened, know-it-all teen. How would she survive otherwise? No longer free to reach out for the love she needs, she looks for it in places the world and the devil created for such hurt girls. Family is no longer a word, mother and father become the enemy and friends are hard to find. The day my life changed forever was when I was 5 years old. A teenage girl took me and my friend into a room where I was held down, strangled and violently raped. This abuse happened repeatedly for many months until I realised that what was happening was scaring me and making me physically sick. I couldn't take it anymore. I went to my mother crying and petrified. I vomited for days on end and my mother would lay me on my bed and rub my stomach that hurt so much because of the things that were done to me. I can still remember how I felt during this time. I remember not knowing if I could survive the horror and shock of all that was done. I felt so desperate and alone. The pain was so intense that even as a little girl I wanted my life to end. My soul was on fire and it was burning me up inside. Guilt and panic would flood my little girl heart as I’d try and tell my mother about the things that happened. I believed it was my fault and from that time on my relationship with my parents was clouded with a strong guilt complex. I believed I was a bad naughty girl and that I deserved to be punished. Over the next few years I buried my little girl heart as fear took grip of my life and I didn’t trust people. I couldn’t let people hug me or touch me without feeling like it was wrong and dirty. I felt wrong to even have my own mother or big sister show affection to me let alone my father. I closed up my emotions and learned to pretend everything was fine! When I was 9 I was again sexually abused by an adult I was close to then later between the ages of 11 and 13 by 3 other adults. This brought more pain and trauma to my life. The bigger thing was that I felt like no body cared or saw what kept happening to me. I felt so guilty and horrified and would be plagued with anxiety so often that I would stop eating for days at a time. I learned that I was wanted and loved by people when I pleased them sexually. My home life was filled with fighting. I remember hiding in my room with my big sister burying my face in the pillow crying and begging God to come and make it stop. I would panic and think someone would die because my father would beat my brother up and my mum would be screaming trying to make it stop. No where I turned to was safe so again I changed to survived and buried my trusting little girl heart. I learned to tough it and fight back! I decided to trust no one and to do everything I could to keep the horrible feelings at the bottom of my stomach and away from having to feel it! I thought this fighting and abuse was “normal” so I ignored my feelings and continued to pretend everything was fine. But it had to show up somehow right? Because it wasn't really fine! I responded with an intense rebellion and mistrust toward everyone. When I was 10 years old my school teacher reported to my mother that I was giving him “murder in the eye looks” and that my behaviour at school was inappropriate. I just felt picked on and didn't understand why I couldn't be better. My mother decided to take me out of this expensive private Catholic school into a public Government school. She told me she didn’t want to waste her money on me when I was being naughty and not learning anything. My new school wasn’t sheltered like the other one, in that the kids weren't from strict protective homes. So I was introduced to the “bad kids”. I soon learned it was cool to smoke, fight and tongue kiss your boyfriend for 15 minutes after school when everyone was watching. My first fight was with a girl who punched me in the face for calling her a name. It was a joke in my eyes but not in hers! I was devastated and ran home crying to my mother. However the fight caught the attention of the popular kids and I soon realised I could be one of “them” if I tried hard enough. The acceptance felt good and gave me some sort of security in the world. At this time I unknowingly began to develop an eating disorder. I remember one day when I was 10 years old, becoming so devastated at how “fat” I was that I decided to starve myself to lose weight. I remember crying and just looking in the mirror and hating my body! I was actually quite slim and considered skinny for my height but my big brother would always tell me I was fat and after a while those words embedded themselves as truth in my heart. I felt ugly and dirty because of the sexual abuse I had gone through and these words only made me feel worse. Little did I know that this first diet of mine would result in years of struggling with Anorexia and Bulemia. During this time my friends at school introduced me to the Occult and we began to be fascinated with spells and the things that were supernatural. Had I known the darkness I would invite into my life over the next 6 years would send me mentally ill and almost destroy me, perhaps I would have chosen differently. But this was the road I chose at the vulnerable age I was, and eventually I got to the point of invoking demons into my body and acting as a medium of familiar spirits. I began doing spells and curses as a way of trying to protect myself and vent the anger I felt at the world. It gave me a sense of power and security in a world that seemed to be getting darker and scarier as I grew up and faced new challenges. Eventually I was so tormented by what I was doing that I was plagued with voices and became suicidal. What started out to be my friends ("spirit guides" who were meant to help me in life) became nasty and controlling and were tormenting me. Then came the next enemy! My drug use started at the age of 14 when I tried marijuana and amphetamines for the first time. My uncle had just committed suicide and my heart was so broken because he was like a father to me. I remember immediately becoming so hooked on the good feelings and confidence drugs gave me. I wasn’t like my friends in that they only did it to have fun but could still do well in school and be what was considered a “normal teen”. I became withdrawn and depressed and consumed with wanting to use drugs and drink alcohol ALL the time. I wanted to do it alone, 24/7. I didn't care about much else. Drugs felt like a friend to me. So they took a grip of my life immediately as did the negative effects of them like depression, anxiety and drug induced psychosis. I had extreme fits of rage where I would scream and self harm, then periods of anxiety and panic where I would become suicidal and depressed. I hated life, I hated myself and I wanted to die. I never had any goals and by the time I was 15 years old I was drinking alcohol almost everyday and using drugs such as marijuana, amphetamines, opioids and inhalants. I was doing very crazy things that put myself and others at danger. I hung around criminals and as a result I committed crimes and got in trouble with the law. I was destructive to myself and to others and by the time I was 16 I was locked in a adoloscent unit for treatment of drug induced pychosis and a chronic anxiety disorder. In the adolocent unit I was violent, mostly toward myself but also to others. I was completely out of control and was often locked in a seclusion room where I was stripped of my clothing and injected with drugs on my butt to put a stop to the psychotic outbursts. This was humiliating and scary but when your life is out of control you learn to survive anything in any means you know how. There was a time I went missing on an activity day at the centre and was found in a locked room with a telephone cord wrapped around my neck. Any chance I had I would escape and try to destroy my life. The cord had been around me for 10 minutes before the frantic staff found me. My face was purple and I had red dots all over it due to burst blood vessels and there was a black ring around my neck. I was wheeled in a wheelchair back to my unit where I cried and cried and was injected with drugs.It was horrifying for the staff who had to care for me and to this day one nurse says I was the hardest patient to look after she has ever experienced in her 15 year mental health career. After the drugs were injected into me I would lay there for hours and cry and feel so sick with guilt and fear over my life. Why? Because underneath all my crazy destructive behaviour, I was just a hurting little girl who was very deeply afraid. I always remember pearing with my minds eye into the future and seeing nothing but blackness. It was just expressed through my destructive behaviour and through unhealthy relationships. I felt unable to stop and unable to take control and be like everyone else wanted me to be. I was also treated for an eating disorder, diagnosed with anorexia and bulemia at the age of 16. Eventually I was also treated for post traumatic stress disorder because of the sexual abuse as a child and teenager. I've spent years of my life running and fighting and desperate. Not knowing what to do or where to turn... only living for the day and doing anything to make me feel better inside. Eventually, when I was 19 years old, I completed a Christian based rehabilitation program called Teen Challenge, a residental centre for people with life controlling problems. My life changed dramatically and turned around 100% all thanks to the love of Jesus Christ and the kindness and passion of certain individuals who loved me through the process.

Age 17, my second admission to rehab, which failed.

My best friend in highschool and me. Alana died the tradgic death of suicide after battling through drug induced psychosis. You can visit her memorial page at http://www.geocities.com/inlovinmemoryofalana/alana.html

Jesus took me from this pain and fear filled life heading for destruction that was totally centered around drugs, alcohol, unhealthy relationships and the occult. This lifestyle close to killed me. I came close to death more than once. I have had a near death experience where I was not breathing and my life flashed before me as my spirit began to leave my body and pass into eternity. I praise Jesus everyday that he saved me from death! Because I was abused in all types of ways from a young age, I was always so scared and worried about everything. I always felt alone and would sit in the backyard singing songs about how I had no friends and how everyone hated me. My home life wasn't loving or safe. It was scary for me and everything I saw and experienced in home made me extremely worried and afraid. As I grew up I simply learned to look for love and value in all the wrong places, but places that of course gave me some sort of security and worth. The bad kids I hung around gave me belonging like a family should. But I eventually realised that no where I turned would fill the empty void I felt deep down...where I would cry myself to sleep and wish for a day where I would not wake up with a nauseated stomach from the anxiety and dread I felt. I was lost, broken, tired and desperate. I believed my life had no value or meaning. I saw no future for me. I felt trapped in so much fear and pain. Drugs seemed like my only hope but at the same time my lifestyle was scaring me and I was crying out silently in my heart for help! I had grown up in a Catholic school so I had been taught about God but was never told that He could be REAL in my life. But one day I was suspended from school and banned from seeing my boyfriend or any of my friends. I was so depressed and felt so hopeless so I asked God to help me. A few months later my school decided not to let me attend there anymore and I found myself in a new Christian school where everyone was talking about Jesus. I hated it and soon found a group of friends who did to. I continued to rebel and became heavily involved in the occult. My life became darker and more out of control. I was drinking before school even started and if I actually went to class I was drunk and would fight with the teachers and other students. My parents would get phone calls at 2am because the police had found me wondering the streets. One night my mother received a phone call because I had been laying on the train tracks high on drugs. Eventually I saw that these people and my teachers who said that Jesus loved me were for real. I saw love and peace in their lives and it made me hunger for what they had. So I made the decision to accept Christ into my world. Jesus reached into my darkness and I saw that he was real and that my life mattered to him.. that changed me completely! It took a few years before I got completely free from the effects of the occult and my destructive lifestyle of drugs and bad relationships. But I finally learned that only the love of God truly satisfies and fills those places in me that drugs, sex, relationships and the occult and other religions NEVER do. Only Jesus can heal. The bible tells us that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life and that we cannot reach God without accepting the forgiveness of our sins through Christ, because he died for us. This truth is real to me and transformed me. To learn that nothing I had done had ever made God stop loving me. To learn that when I felt so alone and hated by the world, God loved me... that was enough.Now I am filled with love, joy & peace. Hope is truly the anchor of my soul and they aren't just magical words, but I live day to day with my spirit alive with the love of God... and there is truly nothing else that has ever brought me such happiness to be alive. He restored me and healed me and my horrible past has no hold of me anymore! I'm sure you've heard the name Jesus here and there- in a prayer at Sunday mass or school or even as a swear word. Yeah, that guy- the man who came to earth and told everyone he was "the way, the truth and the life" and the man they crucified on a tree. So, why do I love him so much? Because HE LOVED ME...so much that that he has radically changed my destiny! What would have become of me if he didn't intervene? My goal for life is simply to forever come to know him more and to bring others to know his love. I live to love. We are all broken. I am broken, you are broken. In fact, I do not know one person on this earth who isn't. People can pretend, but in reality we are all like sheep without a shepherd. Lost in this world where we search for love and security everywhere we go and in everything we do. Right? But what I do know is that the One who created us has made a way for us to be free from that never ending search. Jesus is the shepherd who came to find us! Even if you think your life is great or fine, did you ever think deep down in your deepest thoughts, that maybe it's not? That's because it's NOT okay. The world is not okay, and no human on this earth will be able to fix that. Look around you, watch the news... it's full of pain, sorrow, destruction and death. Have you noticed that things are getting worse from generation to generation? We live in a culture that tries to convince you that everything is fine. Are you a lost sheep? If you don't have a relationship with God the Father through Jesus Christ, the truth is that yes, deep down you are lost and hopeless... I'm not putting you down, so don't be turned off yet. You are simply another lost sheep like every human is. But Jesus is looking for you. That's good news. And he will pursue you til the day ya die. Thats how much he loves you. Once I discovered God's mercy in my life I decided to live forever to just know him and live truly for him. Why such a dramatic turn around? I realised the reality of my broken state and knew that I would die if I didn't get help. But I tried and tried to fix it myself and it didn't work! I could not change or stop doing the things that I hated. I was addicted to behaviour that was destroying me and hurting others. So, of course I am going to use this opportunity to say something meaningful, if this is a representation of who I am and about my life then you are gonna hear all about Jesus ok!? Because it was him that fixed it. I'm so complete, happy and hopeful now. Such a false image of God has been presented to us through religion. Forget the chapels with the steeples and statues of Mary that lovely lady for a while ok? All ya really need to know is how much God loves you and actually feel it for YOURSELF. Its not about rules, its about love. Yes, you can actually have a relationship with Jesus! He can talk to you and be real to you. Then you will be captivated with love by such an accepting, forgiving, loving Being. He's such a good best friend, always tells the truth and is always loyal! You want a friend who will NEVER fail you or let you down? His name's Jesus...give him a call! All your questions and doubts won't matter. All your searching will end. I really believe that and have found it to be true even for the most skeptical people who decide to take that risk. You'll just know he is real and it'll spin you out baby! So don't take on board the false images of God people or life has shown you. Don't even listen to me if you don't want to. But do seek him for yourself. I double dare you. Without Jesus, we have no real life or future, for he is the only source of everlasting life that exists. You don't just turn to dust when you die. He is the ONLY way back to the Father, the Creator of all things, no matter how much sociery will try to convince you that we all have the 'right' to our own religion and beliefs...and that there are "many" ways back to God. Jesus was GOD in the form of a man, on earth, and he didn't demand his rights even though he was God. What other religion tells the love story of a God coming to earth and becoming just like us so he could understand us and relate to us? What other religion tells us the love story of a God who came to us and not us having to find out way to Him through rituals and good works? Jesus let himself be tortured and crucified, and in that bore the sin of many. He did it all for love for humankind and the salvation of the world. To bring us back to life with Him. That's the true gospel. Even if in our analytic unbelieving minds we can't grasp this truth, I mean its easy to not believe but isnt it worth the risk? To simply believe that Jesus is God or that God is real. This is where a step of faith meets the equation. Take one step and mean it, and God will show up! Jesus wants to take the punishment off you that we ALL deserve and show you real love. That's why Jesus chose to die. You will never regret giving him your heart once you do so. Definately no doubt about that! Truth is, God is a good Father who loves his children. He is a mighty and majestic warrior yet he is gentle, tenderhearted and gracious. There is great security in knowing why we were created, which is to know God and to live with him forever, first here on earth, then for all eternity when this natural life ends. It doesn't matter what your life has been or what your view of God or Christianity is. If it has turned you away from Jesus and wanting to know him then obviously you have not yet experienced the love, acceptance and forgiveness of Jesus for yourself. He will never let you down or fail you, ever! So now I've finished my little speil about Jesus and how he's changed my life, I guess I will tell you about my life now (yeah, you will hear the word Jesus again). I have Youth Work & Juvenile Justice qualification and I have just moved to the Gold Coast for the next chapter of my journey. A brand new start and new scenery is always great. There are many cool things I want to achieve in life, and I will. Life's a roller coaster journey with lots of bumps and unexpected twists, but it sure is worth it. I live for more than life on earth and my life now is stamped with eternity. Yeah baby!Some other stuff about me... I like time alone but I'm a social butterfly and the life of the party. I am a deep thinker and I like to reflect on the things of life. I best express myself through writing- I love to sit and let the words flow out. I wanna write books. I love colours and I love to paint. Art is my outlet, it relaxes me and I feel so happy when I create something from my heart. I also like to pray and spend time with God, listening to him and talking to him as I would a father or a mother or a friend... I want to know what is on his heart- how he feels about the state of this world and what he is doing throughout the earth. I am excited to be living in such a time as this...where God is moving to establish his perfect reign and rule on the earth (yep! does that spin you out?). He is raising up people all across the earth to be a voice like John the Baptist was- preparing the way for the return of the King (go get a bible & read Matthew 24 if you wanna know more). Do I sound like a bible basher? Thats funny, coz I use to wanna bash people who had bibles. Anyway, God wants to send us as his chosen people, set apart and made holy, to bind up the brokenhearted and to proclaim freedom for the captives. Cool hey. We have been called to be oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor!(Isaiah 61:3) He calls you too. You wanna go? I like to spend time with people, and I love my friends and my family. I love the people who have stuck by me through the hard times. I like to laugh and cry and be real with people. Being fake keeps you shut off from everybody... you exist, but you're heart isn't really there. I like to make people feel accepted and valuable especially if they don't feel it. Even though sometimes I have a carefree "don't really care much" front I am really sensitive by nature. I care about a lot of things. I feel emotions deeply. I don't like hurting people and I don't like being hurt. Don't ever let people crush your dreams. Dream big, no matter how big. Some people say that I'm kind, accepting, compassionate, generous, determined, persevering and funny. Some others say differently but not everyone can love you and ya can't please them all! I like to be helpful and doing stuff that lifts the load off others. We all need to be helped at times... we weren't made to do it alone. Jesus didn't come to the earth to be served, even though he was God, but he layed down his majesty and lived to serve others and to give his life up that we may have life. He suffered to take away the punishment of our sin... it wasn't even his load he had to carry. That's the ultimate sacrifice. I want to live like a servant because that makes God smile. I'm selfish though and stuff up a lot. It's his grace that lifts me back up. I always try to take every opportunity I can to encourage and build others up. My heart goes out to people who feel rejected and hurt. The bible says that God CHOSE the foolish and despised things of the world, that he may display who he is through them. What an awesome thing that speaks of such hope for the broken. No matter how much you may have been hurt and rejected God chose you, and if you embrace that truth and give him your life he can use it in great ways. I guess they are just some of my beliefs and things I strive to live by. Some random facts about me. I am cheeky and really quite childlike at heart. Annoying people is part of my love language, it's not actually an intention to annoy, some people just get annoyed easier than others I guess. I crack my knuckles. If I get excited I'll do something like run up to somebody really fast and crash into them so they almost fall over. I love surprises and I like to surprise people. I'm adventurous. I'm spontaneous. I'm persistent and sometimes I just won't take 'no' for an answer. Actually quite often I don't take no for an answer or I'll do it anyway. I can be intense at times. When I truly want something, I will go to all lengths to get it. In relationships I value honesty, acceptance, respect and loyalty. When I'm down I get up again and keep going... even if I stay down for a while, I won't stay there forever because I believe that my destiny is not to be defeated. I really like traveling and seeing new things- it excites me, especially going to other countries. The world is so big! I also love nature. I like the beach, because I can swim there in beautiful clean salty water and watch pretty sunsets. There's something about the beach that makes my soul breathe. I like climbing trees, lighting fires and sleeping in the open air under the stars. I love thunderstorms because they remind me of how awesome and powerful God is, and how safe I am because I'm his little girl. I can be loud and talkative and laugh lots, but I'm also very quiet sometimes. Sometimes I'm loud when I should be quiet. I like making people laugh and I like being smiled at. I don't like being ignored and I hate being yelled at. I like chocolate but my favourite food is absolutely everything except stuff that tastes yuck and makes me feel sick. I don't like buses or trains although I have to catch them all the time. At the end of the day, I just like to sleep. My goal in life is to do good and to make a difference to others lives as much as I can. I want live in a way so that Jesus says to me "Well done good and faithful servant". That is the most important thing to me...I'm very real and very honest. Add me as a friend. If you ever need anyone to talk to or pray for you, send me a message. I would love to hear from you... God bless. Love Janice Some of my artwork...

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