X-Tweaker & Meth Cook

The only reason I have this myspace page is to share my life's experiences with as many drug addicted, hurting and lost people as I can to show how much love ,grace and mercy the Lord Jesus has for ANY one that wants it..I'm a 48 year old single dad razing my 13 yr. old son living a clean and sober life.. With the peace and joy in my heart people spend a life time looking for but very rarely ever finding..My secret of finding this happiness and peace was only obtained by the mistakes I experienced in life because of my disobedient behavior which in the end caused me to seek forgiveness and a relationship with Jesus Christ my Lord and King....Jesus was with me every step of the way threw my drug addicted life but the dope just had me so blind I just could never see it..Its only by his grace and mercy that I'm not dead and in Hell already..(My testimony and life story on meth)I was razed in a good middle class family . My parents never did drugs,drank,faught, anything..I'm not sure if they ever even got a parking ticket… Home life was good… Although I did lack one of the most important things a child needs.. It was that loving relationship..VERY rarely did anyone ever say out loud "I love you", Do you want to go outside and throw the ball,How was school,ect,ect,ect... Never any conversation to speak of.. And now looking back it could be one reason I turned to drugs...Who knows?? I think I was 14 when I smoked my first joint..But ain't that the way it is with every one?? First a joint then some pills here and there...Next thing ya know your snorting a big ol' line of what ever...And then BLAM!! Now the time has came to stick the ol' needle in your arm!!For those of you that never shot dope before.. . BE WARNED!!! when you push the plunger in for your very first time the devil himself just flowed into your life. Once I got that first rush it was all over, nothing was going to stop me from getting high… Although being that I was only 17 yrs. old I didn’t exactly have much money..So my life of crime was about to start out by stealing government checks out of mail boxes and cashing them to the tune of about $60.000 over the next 7,8 months..Well it wasn't long before the Secret Service was knocking on my parents door..So life on the run was about to start..Being young bulletproof as most 17yr. olds think they are I jumped in my 1971 ford pinto and cross country I went..Needless to say I was no match for experienced Secret Service men...lol....So 2 years probation $6000 in fines and it was in the past..Looking back now I wish in away I would of been charged as a adult and had to do some time...Maybe it would of took my life in a different direction..But needless to say I didn't learn much from it..For the next 10, 15 years I continued to get high but also tried to mix the family life in there to,you know wife,kids,job and of course the house with the white picket fence...Needless to say dope and family life don't mix. I was to blind to see the dope was really the problem...Which took me 3 marriages and 3 kids to figure out... To this day I still have no idea what year or month any of the marriages or divorces took place.In fact I don't even think I was around on my second divorce..Well by now I felt like the biggest failure at life there was so I just packed up what little I had and headed to Colorado.. Before you knew it I was selling dope to support my habit.I didn’t go there with that intention some how it just happened that way... At first I just was doing it so I didn't have to pay for my dope but it didn't take me to long to learn I could make enough money I didn't need to work either....In fact not only didn't I need to work but I could live pretty large on top of it ..And to top it off i loved it!!Before long I had every topless dancer in town buying dope from me...Not to mention every one they knew.. I really thought I arrived ...Surrounded by hot chicks day and night......With in a year I went from all the trauma of fighting daily in failed realateships and the constrain pressure of always being behind on bills and just down right feeling like I was trapped in a never ending nightmare to some kind of fantasy world....For the next two years I tweaked harder than any other time in my life..I was meeting people I never even thought existed ...WHAT TWEAKS THEY WERE!! I moved into a whole new realm of gettin high.. Before you knew it my house turned into a giant junk yard from all the stuff we would drag home from all the goodwill donation centers we hit nightly not to mention dumpster dives..It wasn't like we needed any of this junk it just seemed to be a recreation thing...Before long the only time we would sleep was those few hours our body's would just shut down no matter how much dope we would do...Don't let any one tell you selling dope ain't like working..It turned in to a seven day a week 24 hour a day job...With each day my heart got a little colder and harder..It just seemed like every one was out to get ya...All the lies people would tell,little scams they would pull to get high..So paranoia started to set in and i'd stay up for longer and longer periods each time thinking I could some how keep a eye on every thing that was going on.. My record was 17 days straight once.. Talk about seeing stuff!! Dogs with deer antlers and camel backs,flying monkeys,spiders, people behind every bush and for some reason i'd always see lamas for some reason...lolWell on the 18th day I was in my bedroom with a couple OZ's of meth on the scales 900'00 dollars in my hand and about 4 people I couldn't trust farther than I could throw them when I fell back on the bed and and crashed..OUT COLD!! LUCKLY my ol'lady was in there to!! She got rid of everyone locked everything in the safe and let me sleep! When I woke up she said ,Do you know what day it is?? I said ,Hell I don't even know what year it is whats your point? She said you fell asleep on Monday and its Friday now...I thought WOW I never did that before,but it sure did feel good!Well this stuff went on for the next 2 straight years ..Things started to fall apart by now..The chick I was with lost her 3 kids to the state for one..The cops started following us around on a regularly...The heat was on!! So as usual I decided to run from my problems..I just wanted to move to another town and start out fresh..No dope!! so I packed up and moved to Phoenix,Az.Well that lasted about a month till I found out how cheap cocain was there....It wasn't my drug of choice but I knew I could make a killing running it to a friend of mine in Wisconsin..So I started making dope runs there twice a month... It was alot of driving but what else did I have to do..Well one morning in Northern Arizona and got pulled over and popped for a little weed, a gun and of all things a police badge....Don't ask what I was doing with a badge ,,mainly just messin with my friends with it... The cops didn't see the humor in it though ,you can beleve that...So I spent the night in jail till I saw the judge in the morning ....1050.00 dollar fine and some probation and I was back on my way..Well it seemed like luck wasn't on my side because about 30 days later I got popped in Wisconsin with about 2 oz .of coke and some meth..( Guess I should of stayed in Colorado,huh?lol). So I got 30 months in the dept. of corrections.. The probation days were over. I was so high when I got arrested it took me two weeks to come down….. Then the reality of what happened started to sink in….I felt like such a looser and thought life was over….30 months!!! I had a hard time staying in the house all day…. It felt like a life sentence… I never was locked up before other than that day in Az..For once in my life I was finally forced to take the time to just sit and think...And boy did my eyes get opened to ALOT of stuff...I started feeling real bad about how I let everyone down all my life..Especally my parents..they went though alot with me...Plus my mom died while I was all in my dope and I felt like I never got a chance to say bye to her..I was thinking about Kim losing her kids and all the people I got started shotting dope ,how there lives were all messed up because of me......And how I was probably going straight to Hell because of it all...Cause I just knew God had to be all pissed off at me by now......But even so a minute didn't go by that I wasn't thinking about how to escape....As sick as it sounds I still wanted to get high!!!Once at the prison they evaluated you to see your security level ….. Well since I never did time before I went right to minimum security camp….. (NO FENCE EVEN) well when I heard there wasn’t even a fence I thought I’m out of here jack….. So about 6 months into it I took off one night….. I had no idea where I was going I just knew I was going….. So after about a 20 mile walk on a cold cold Wisconsin night I finally came to a town caught a ride with a trucker and started hitch hiking to Colorado… All I could think of was a nice big shot of dope when I got there..When I finally got to Colorado 2 or 3 days later I found my friend and hung out with him till I figured out what I was going to do..After all I just added felony escape to my steadily growing list of crimes...Well one day that I was away from the house the cops showed up there looking for me…. I had no idea how they knew to look for me there.. Maybe it was my mailing list from prison .. It seemed every where I went they were right on my heals ….. So I got scared and blew town…and went to New Mexico to stay with another friend…..No one knew where I was and I didn’t tell any one either… About a month went by and I was getting board and decided to jump on a bus and go to my dads house in Pa. (long bus ride!!) he was in Fla. For the winter so I figured I could slip in his house and get some of my stuff I stored there….Well I'll give you 3 guesses to what happened next... Yeap busted again!!!!!!!. So back to Wisconsin I went , When I got there they gave me another year and a half for the escape,Which I was happy with considering they could of gave me 5yr..Well now it was time to see what maximun Security was all about..I shouldn't of been surprised...Where did I think they were going to send me to the no fence place again....lol Plus I had to spend the next 6 months in the hole..Locked in a LITTLE 4 foot by 10 foot cell and was only allow out for 2 ten min. showers a week... The cell was so small your bunk hung from the wall on 2 chains so in the day time you hooked it up against the wall so you had some room to move around..For the next 6 months I sure had enough time to really think about life..I was totally isolated from everyone and anything I ever knew..This is probably the first time I had any kind of desire to learn about God…. As a child I went to church with my parents ,it was a Lutheran church ,, looking back the fact that it was such a dry church is probably why I didn’t have much understanding about God….Once I got out of the hole and back in the general population I noticed every now and then they would let people out of there cells to go to church services and bible studies..So one day I went, mainly to get out the cell… well I heard the preacher say we could all be forgiven and still go to Heaven…. So I spoke up and said “preacher you don’t understand all my life I stole, did drugs,lied,cheated..and the list goes on…. I have way more bad than good…. There’s no way I can be forgiven and go to Heaven..” then he explained about how Jesus died on the cross so we could be forgiven and we just needed to ask him to come live in our hearts and be our personal savior and forgive us of our sins ,,,then turn from our sins…..So when I got back to my cell I hit my knees and asked Jesus to come live in my heart and save me ,and mainly save me from myself! After praying that prayer I did have a peace come over me that did help me get threw the next 3 years I had to be there yet…. Being locked up wasn’t like I thought it would be… nothing like all the fake stuff you see on tv.. If you mind your own business and do your own time every thing is ok…. It sure opened my eyes to a lot of things.. The saddest part was meeting people that were NEVER getting out.. Young dudes to.. And 80 to 90% of the time it always had something to do with dope.. Good people that just got caught up in the buzz.. With NO second chances.. Dam shame!!Once I got released ,I was paroled to my dads house in Pennsylvania.. Well it wasn't long before the devil grabbed me by the stupid bull ring that was obliviously sticking out of my nose and once again pointed me in the wrong direction...And friend of mine asked if I wanted to go with him to a strip club in West Virgina .. Well to make a long story short a dancer named Gail caught my eye..I asked if she ever been to Colorado, She said no...I said wanta go? One week later we were in the wind.Needless to say I was about to turn my back on my new relationship with God already.. Once we got there the party was on! We were so high for so long before you knew it we were homeless living in my van behind my friend Stevie's house….Of course that was just par for the course for me.. By now Gail’s pregnant , we’re broke and the baby’s due in a week….. It wasn’t looking good…. I said we need to get the hell out of Colorado RIGHT NOW!!! We only had 20 dollars but I put it in the gas tank and started out for west va…..Needless to say we only made it to Kansas but at least we were 3 hours away from the dope….After many calls and much begging we got enough money to make it home… we weren’t there 5 hours before Levi was born…. Close call!! But we were still homeless….not a good start for our new born son., before long after even more begging we got into a place got jobs and probably went a year with out doing any dope..We were doing pretty good to be honest with ya... Before long Gail was pregnant once again with our daughter Sierra…..Well you know my track record..I can't let things go to long being good before I have to mess them up again!! So like idiots we packed up and back to Colorado we went...We weren't there a year before Gail got tired of the drug thing starting all over again and took the kids and moved back to West Va….. Once she left my drug use moved to another level…..And so did my sense of self worth.WHAT A LOOSER I WAS!!!! Every time something good would come into my life I was sure to screw it up by putting my dope first!! And now it was my kids I let down! I was convinced I would never get it right and to the point I didn't care about anything any more!! Not even my life… so I became very suicidal… after all by now pretty much all my old friends either killed themselves ,,been murdered, got aids or were in prison…….I HAD ENOUGH! Life was just to hard for me..Time to check out!!!! The only thing that had me concerned was I heard once if you killed yourself you when to Hell...I had a good Christian friend of mine that lived in Denver..Since what I was planing was so final I thought it might not be a bad idea to see what he thought.. Once I got there naturally he tried to talk me out of it and wanted me to go to church with him the next morning..I said "Chuck no way!! I don't want to hear all about the Jesus stuff just answer my question about Heaven and Hell" Well it was clear he wasn't answering till I went to church.. I thought whats one more day....In the morning he told me to go warm the van up..While I was sitting in the van waiting on him I said"God please don't make me go threw all this church stuff..Can't you just make the building fall on me or the van blow up." Any thing but church...Well here come Chuck down the stairs I guess I wasn't getting around this church thing... We were in Denver and went to Heritage Christian center…it was the biggest church I ever saw 3000 people in the service…. I think some how God had planned for me to be at that service because it was made just for me and the title of it was “its time” Wow wasn’t that the truth!!Threw the service I even had to put my sun glasses on so no one would see me cry.. At the end they had a alter call where you went down front to ask Jesus in your heart and be saved..Something in me wanted to RUN to the front and something in me kept saying" You can't go down there,after all your probably still high and were hangin out with a hooker all week and it was all true,I did just crawl out of the gutter...But I went down front anyway!!!Looking back now I know the saying is true when people say God will take you just as you are...There was like a giant weight just taken off my shoulders.. For the next few months I hung out with Chuck and really started learning about God.. Lessoning to hours of church tapes… Going to church every time the doors open…… Even giving 10% of my money I made……Giving it a real try this time...Life was really going good and I was glad I lessened to Chuck and didn’t check out… Week after week my faith got stronger… the peace I felt in my heart could of only came from God …. It was great…. I didn’t even think about doing drugs….After a few months I decided I wanted to be with my kids again……I really was missing them BAD.. So I moved back to west va. And got a apt.. I found a good Church and stated working again…. Before I knew it Gail ask if I wanted Levi to move in with me full time…. I jumped at the opportunity !! It was a little scary being a single dad but I was going to make it work no matter what...Life was going good …. The Lord was blessing us in every way….By now I had 3 years clean under my belt… more than I had in the past 20years…...But one day out of the blue a old friend I use to get high with in Colorado called me……. So we got to talking and I told her how well my life was going and asked her if she was still getting high….she said she was and asked for my address.. I asked why she wanted it and she said to send me some thing…I knew she was talking about dope but the weak side of me gave it to her anyway …. Well in a few days it came … the old drug addict in me just couldn’t wait to open it… I even went to the store and got a new needle …. Once I did a shot I rushed like I never have in my whole life….like for 45 mins… I left a crack for the devil and he crawled right in..…..WHAT A FOOL I WAS!!!!! But I made my way to the phone to call her…. And told her that was some of the best stuff I ever did….and if she brought some to west va, she would make a killing because there wasn’t any around there…… she said “boyfriend I don’t have to bring any I’ll just make it when I get there” I said “there’s no way you made that!” well she did and I was intrigued … any one that ever did meth only could dream of meeting the cook!!The devil knew just what bait to dangle in front of me!Well like a idiot I flew out to Colorado and drove her back and the nightmare was about to begin!!!! We stayed higher than I ever been before and my poor son was right in the middle of it.. I am so ashamed of letting it broad side me the way it did… but that’s just how powerful the drug is..Before you knew it we had two labs goin…. Hers upstairs and mine in the basement… we started getting so paranoid of each other…. We had locks and booby traps everywhere… it got to the point we had baby monitors everywhere to so we could lesson to each other… just tweaked out the frame!! I started sensing God was hinting to me to stop… I think he was about fed up with the way I was acting… especially as far as my son was concerned….Well one night I was sitting in my motor home getting high when a good friend of mine stopped by with a movie in his hand…. He only stayed for a few min’s and said to watch the movie it was good and he left…. I thought it strange he didn’t stay longer… the movie was called “Blow” for those of you that never saw the movie it was about a drug dealer that at the end of the movie got caught and got 60years and never saw his daughter again…. It was a sad ending…..but right when the movie was over I KNEW God was showing me if I didn‘t stop I was going to prison again…Well I really did want to stop anyhow but I had big plans for the next weekend and figured I’d stop after that…..(BIG MISTAKE!!) When next weekend came I was in my motor home in the next town over making a batch with a so called friend…at one point of the night I gave him a real incriminating bag of trash to go throw Away for me….but instead the little snitch took it right to the police..Shortly after that the sun started to come up and my ex wife called me for some dope…. I kept trying to blow her off because I knew she had both the kids for the weekend but she kept it up….. So I agreed to meet her at a parking lot … like a idiot she brought the kids!!!!Well the cops must have been lessoning on my phone cause when I got to the parking lot they were there to… along with Gail and the kids….. Needless to say we got busted as the kids watch…I never felt like a bigger piece crap than I did while riding away in the police car as the kids stood there and watched…..what a looser I became!!! My charges equaled 68 years!!! Almost just like the movie warned me….. Now my life was truly over… I didn’t think I’d get 68 years but I was pretty sure I’d get 20,,,,especially with the other drug felonies I already had…Levi was 9 at the time and I didn’t think I’d see him again till he was out of high school… what a looser I was!!!! Plus my dad was in real bad health and needed me to help take care of him…. I couldn’t believe how I let every one I loved down again.. just because I wanted to get high!!!!!Once in jail no one would except my calls or help me in any way……….. I was on my own!! Boy did I hit my knees and ask for Gods forgiveness.. Looking back God had to let me go threw this to get my attention…. And my attention he got!! After spending some time with God I knew in my heart he forgave me due to his Great grace and mercy and our relationship was ok again….. But I still had this legal mess in front of me to face alone.. All my public defender kept saying to me was how they were going to make a example of me….. Not very encouraging words…I was screwed!!! Plan and simple…..One day I had to go to court for some thing… while in the holding cell I met with my lawyer he was still telling me they were going to make a example of me!! Plus what did he care … I’m sure he wasn’t going to try to hard anyhow…. Well while I was waiting for them to take me in I started to pray….. And I mean pray…. I was saying every bible verse I knew….finally the last thing I remember doing was looking up and saying God I just need a miracle !! I turn this whole thing over to you and what ever you do is ok with me.. And I went and sat down….. God as my witness within 10 min’s the jailer came and opened the door and said “ I don’t believe it but they dropped your charges you can go”… IT BLEW MY MIND!!! I didn’t know what to think..All I did know was 10 mins earlier I was asking God for a miracle and BLAM!! It sure appeared I got one..It was the first time in my life I felt God was there in that holding cell right beside me. I knew they didn’t drop my charges…. But I wasn’t going to say any thing that was for sure.. I was so nervous !! I kept thinking at any time they would figure out there mistake….Once they released me I went right to a friend of mine that I knew I could trust with my life…. I told him what happened and asked if I could hang out for a day or so just so I could re grope and let sink in what just happened..Well it wasn’t long before I was telling Troy how I needed a fake ID and this and that….. Then it hit me….. If it was God that let me out he wouldn’t want me falling back into the same kinda criminal thinking that got me there in the first place so I thought Lord what is it you want me to do…… and the answer was one I didn’t want to hear……. It was turn your self back in…… Boy I didn’t want to hear that but it was so strong in my spirit I just knew it was right….So I called my lawyer and told him what happened, I told him I didn’t want to run because I did it before and just wanted to do what was right this time and get this behind me so I could raise my son…..well he made some phone calls and they still didn’t know I was gone after 2 days…. In fact I was the only one in the history of that county they ever let out accidental.(Had to be God) …but he said they still didn’t want to cut any deal…although they said as long as I went and checked in to rehab I didn’t need to come back.. Just so I went to court when I was suppose to …I thought cool I’ll do that……So I did and let me tell you I loved rehab…..it was great!!!Keep in mind I just came out of a meth lab where I spent the last 3 years breathing deadly chemicals and shooting enough dope that would knock a full blown marine to his knees,not seeing very much day light other than the times we had to run for supplies, And then to go from all that right to a jail with every one telling me I was facing 68 years!! Believe me rehab was a welcome experience..Alot of the people there were doing nothing but complaining that they had to be there. Not me I haven't felt that much peace and quite for years ..Hell they even even had snack time a 9 pm…..ha ha….It didn't get any better than that... Well about 2 days before I was about to leave I called my lawyer to check in…. I said what’s the deal now…..he said no deal they are still going to make a example of you…..I got so tired of hearing him say that!!! I said WHY I AM DOING EVEYTHING RIGHT……but to no avail.So I had to make the hardest discussion of my life…..Did I want to trust God with the rest of this thing and just walk into court willingly with every one saying they wanted to make a example of me or did I want to go back to what the old Bob would do and RUN!!! Well sorry to say but I failed God and every one once again and got a bus ticket to Oklahoma city ….Are you starting to see how much Grace and mercy the Lord has???? As many times as I failed him he still loved me and didn’t leave my side as you will see…..Well about a month went by and my court date was next week and I still haven’t let any one know where I was….. Some thing in my spirit said to call my lawyer one last time…. When he answered the phone he was pissed and said do you know we have to be in court next week??? I said yea and I ain’t comin!!! He said why and I said,,YOU ASK WHY!! All you can do is keep telling me how they are going to make an example of me…..He said let me make one more phone call…… when I called him back he said ok here’s the deal 2 years DOC….I said well I’ll do that!! But now I thought he might be tricking me to come back… but he assured me he wasn’t ….. Well this was a true test of my faith to trust God……So I said ok God if you want me to go back I’ll trust you so back I went..It sure was scary that day to walk into the court room but I had a peace over me that every thing would be ok……. Well we agreed on 2 years and after the judge heard they left me out accidental and I turned myself back in he made it 1 year instead!! Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!!!! I was happy it was all going to be behind me soon!! But do you see how God was in this thing from start to finish???? He will never leave you!! NO BODY gets a year for a lab!! That was ALL God!!Which brings me to the present…. I been out of jail 4 years now and have 5 years clean from drugs….Levi is back living with me…. Oh by the way my dad did die…but the Lord was merciful enough to keep him alive 1 day past me getting out of prison so I was at least able to see him one last time…..Thank you Jesus!! The Lord also blessed me with 31,000 dollars from my dads will to get a fresh start with……I love the Lord with all my heart now more than ever for all he put up with from me and will NEVER turn my back on him again….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!If your reading this please take it from me and don’t do like me and waste 26yrs of your life over dope!! Get high on Jesus …. He’s truly the only one who can bring true happiness to your life………. If you don’t know him and want him in your life then pray this prayer from your heart…..Praying this prayer also is the ONLY way to Heaven….. You don’t make it to Heaven just by doing good… you must have a relationship with Jesus… PRAY THIS...Dear Lord Jesus .. I come to you as a sinner in need of your forgiveness.. I believe you are the son of God and died on the cross for my sin…I now turn from my sin and ask you to come live in my heart and be my personal savior .. Make me the person you want me to be…in Jesus name.AmenWell that’s it,,my life…… And I have a pretty good idea that most of you are thinking ,why would he tell everyone all that?? Doesn’t he know everyone will be judging him now and putting a label on him…ect,ect,ect… well I sure didn’t write it because I was trying to be in some kind of popularity contest or some thing…I wrote it to give God ALL the glory because he’s the ONLY way a person can be changed from the inside out with the kind of change that’s real and lasts a life time..And hopefully to turn people to Jesus so they don't have to waste there life away,and probably most importantly...Just to let people know Jesus knows what your going threw and still loves you and is NOT MAD AT YOU.He wants you also to know you can still go to Heaven with him and live on streets of gold forever..You just need to call on him..Do you know there’s not one day in my past I would change….Do you know why?? Because if I wouldn’t of when through what I went through I may never of turned to Jesus and got saved….You MUST have a personal relationship with Jesus and ask him in your heart to be saved...Its the only way to Heaven....Plus do you know any cooler person to hang with any how other than the dude that owns the whole universe....Look Jesus pulled the needle out of my arm and stuck it right in the devils eye..Let him do it for you to..... thanks for stoppin by....Have a great life..... peace!! Delete Reply Forward Spam Move... Previous |Myspace Graphics
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