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Slow Me Down….Lord.Ease the pounding of my heart by the quieting of my mind…..Steady my hurried pace with a vision of the eternal reach of time….Give me, amid the confusion of the day, the calmness of the everlasting hills…..Break the tensions of my nerves and muscles with the soothing music of the singing streams that live in my memory…..Help me to know the magical….Restoring power of sleep…Teach me the art of taking minute vacations….slowing down to look at a flower….to chat with a friend….to pat a dog….to read a few lines from a good book…Slow me down…Lord…. and inspire me to send my roots deep into the soil of life’s enduring values that I may grow toward the stars….. of my greater destiny.
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My sobriety date is June 15, 2005. I was born in California and lived there until I was 14 or 15 years old. I grew up in a home with an active addict and alcoholic. My parents were never married but my dad has always been an active part of my life. For that, I am truly grateful; I know that is not the common situation for an unmarried couple with addictions.
I don’t have any memories of before I was about 7 years old, however, I am slowly being reveled some of those memories as I continue to stay sober. I was told early in this program that God removed those memories for a reason, possibly a mode of survival? Maybe I couldn't handle the memories? Only God knows, and I am grateful he has spared me any pain that may be associated to those memories. What I do remember, is a combination of fun, happiness, fear, hate, confusion....typical for us [addicts/alcoholics], I know. My Godparents are the owners of the bar my mom and dad frequented. As a little girl, I remember being welcomed in the bar and raiding the cherries, beer nuts and coke fountain. It was the best part of my day! I loved it. After filling up on bar condiments and soda, I would crawl in a booth and take a nap. I would wake to ask my dad for quarters, so I could play songs on the jukebox and get perfume sprays from the bathroom "perfume" machine. I'm not sure what happened, I’m sure the owners got in trouble for allowing minors inside, but I was not allowed to come in anymore. Of course, this was not enough reason for my dad to stop bringing me to the bar with him, so I would sit in the car, with the keys, listen to the radio with my cooler of soda, while my dad went into the bar. Hours upon hours, day after day, I spent in the car. I didn’t know any different, so it was fun...normal...no hard feelings....only when I had to use the bathroom.
So, that was my visitation with my dad, my mom, well, I lived with her. She suffers from this disease too. She was an active addict and I lived the majority of my bad memories as a child in my room, crying because I knew my mom was doing something wrong, but I wasn’t quite sure what IT was. I lived in very poor conditions. Bad side of town, one bedroom apartments, with junkies all over the house. I would find paraphernalia all over the house, along with passed out bodies, or paranoid users in my closet. When I was 8 years old, I walked in on a friend of my mom’s who was babysitting me at the time, hunched over with needle in her arm. I remember thinking she was dead. I walked towards her, scared to death, when suddenly the started shaking and coughing. I ran out of the house, so fast. I ran as far away as I could. I didn’t know where I was going, so I just ran, and kept on running until I ended up at my Grandmothers house, which was about 7 miles away. I sat on her porch for 2 hours until she got home. When I saw her face, I remember feeling safe. I will never forget how strong that feeling of safety was.
My mom had another son, when I was 9 years old. He was the LIGHT of my life. I was so happy when my mom told me. She said she was having a baby, and asked me if I would be the "dad". I said "YES" right away, thinking, "this could be it....I could finally do something to make her happy." Nine months later, my brother was born. Oh, he was so cute. I loved that child like he was my own; I mean after all, he was right? I was "the dad", right?
I fed that child, changed that beautiful baby. I woke up and cared for him at night. I missed school to make sure he was taken care of when I couldn't wake my mom after her 10 day binge. All this, was perfectly normal and acceptable to me. Things were finally turning around for us.
As my brother grew, I was the one who his attended school conferences, helped with homework, made dinner, everything I knew to do. As a result, the relationship between my brother and I is one that is close, but very messed up. The guilt and responsibility I feel for him today, is something I have to work on daily with my program. I had to give him to God a long time ago, because he is now walking down a path that is dangerous. I struggle with giving him to God, then taking him back, then giving him to God. Thank goodness this program is one of “Progress, not Perfection.”
So, anyhow, I was taking care of my family, visiting my dad, and going to school. The last apartment we lived in before moving to Georgia, was a one bedroom hell hole. This was when my mom’s addiction had really gotten bad. I had to walk to the fast food joint around the corner and take toilet paper from the bathroom so we had something at the house. I would go and ask for left overs so we could eat, because there was never any food in the house. The necessities that most take for granted, were luxuries for my brother and I. Finally, my grandfather, made my mom move us to Georgia. I didn’t know all of the reason behind it, but I am sure he was fearful for her life.
We moved to Georgia when I was 12. I started my 6th grade year at a new school. I was so scared. It was different, new and scary. I was not liked by the girls and not quite into boys YET. That was the year I had my first drink. I had gotten a bottle of Jack Daniels from a friend of my mom's and I hid it under my bed. I would pour some liquor in my sports cup with coke and take it to school.
Suddenly, the girls that gave me attitude didn’t matter anymore, and the boys quickly did. I found my acceptance from Jack Daniels and boys. The fears of my mom, the loss of moving away from my dad, the overwhelming responsibility of my brother...everything, wasn’t so bad. I IMMEDIATELY was a daily drinker. This is the affect that alcohol has on me. It made me comfortable in my own skin. It gave me freedom from the terror and voices in my head that constantly told me I would also fail and never make it.
I did not drink for the taste.
I did not drink for the gentle unwinding of the day.
I drank because I liked the affects of alcohol. It did for me what I could not do.
Before I knew it, I was turning into a student with bad grades, I was going around with people I didn’t know, I was waking up in strange houses...all the while, these things were KILLING my spirit, and I had no idea. My disease was getting bigger and my soul was getting blacker.
My mom found another dealer and began using again (she only had previously drank booze since our move to Georgia). I was older and knew it was drugs. I was still drinking and finding boys. When my mom started having all these different people over, in and out, and all night long, I was so disgusted that I decided to run away from home. I was miserable at home and away from home. I didn’t have anywhere to go, and I wound up living under a bridge by the train tracks. So young, but I thought I had all the answers. Well, at least I wasn’t home. Finally, the drug caught up with my mom and she went to jail. As a result, I was made to move back to California to live with my dad. I was SO excited. My mom was going to get help, and I could be with my dad......but what about my brother? I assumed he would come with me. But since we had different fathers, he was sent to his bio dad. I was CRUSHED!
It wasn’t long after moving to California that I found the drinkers of the school. However, the drinkers were also Meth users. I began using crystal meth, daily, within 2 weeks of moving to California. My dad would drink at night, so it was relatively easy to "hide" the drinking and using, until one night some boys I didn’t know, delivered me into the arms of my dad at 2 am. I had a bad combination of drinking and drugs and was not responsive. Out of fear, the knocked on my door, and dropped me off. My dad never spoke of it again....neither did I.
I began to steal money, to work at day jobs, quit going to school, breaking into cars, stealing cars, robbing stores,sleeping around…whatever I could to get my next drink or drug. I was so sick and consumed by this disease. I would tell myself that I was doing wrong, and feel HORRIBLE after doing these things, but this disease was too powerful. My disease would convince me that these things were “glamorous”. The money, the men, the gifts and drugs that I would get, all these things I deserved and if I had to do some “things” to get them, then that is what had to be done.
And every time the disease would win and convince me to sell my soul, I would die more inside. Thinking to myself, you FUCKING idiot. Why are you doing this?!?!? By the time my mom got out of jail, I was 100 pounds, and a FULL blown addict. Anything, anything, put in front of me I would do. Booze, heroin, pot, cocaine, meth, pills.....eat it, pop it, snort it, you name it. I hated who I was with these habits, but certainly hated my life without them too.
It wasn’t long before my mom got out of jail and I was moved back to Georgia. It didn’t take me long to hook up with the connections in Georgia and I went on living like this for many more years.
Until, I met a boy that was just amazing. I married this boy and ended up pregnant within a month of our marriage. I knew that THIS was the answer. I would have a family and get out of my old ways. This was all I needed to settle down and get straight. Well, like the Big Book tells us, these reasons alone cannot keep us sober. I began to drink immediately after returning home from hospital after giving birth. Ahhh, the sweet friend was back!! After two years of marriage, my husband and I divorced. After numerous battles for custody of our daughter, he finally won and I had lost my baby girl. Again, CRUSHED. I felt like such a failure again. Well, where do alcoholics and addicts go when all things crash around us? Right back to our old friend....OUR DISEASE!
I was kept away from my daughter. I would hide in the bushes near my ex's house, just to catch a glimpse of her going to the car from the house. I felt like I wanted to die. I continued to hurt and try to kill the pain for years. I tried more men, had more children, tried different jobs, new cities to live in, all the things the Big Book tell us we try. But nothing, helped. I would always be drawn back to the calling of the disease.
My second childs father was an abusive man. I only wanted to say that because I want to make sure that anyone who is reading this, who may be in an abusive relationship, knows that I understand the fear, pain, shame and hopelessness associated with be abused. If you are being hit, slapped around, pushed around, held down, raped, spit on, any of these things ARE abuse. I can help give you some resources that CAN help you. You DO NOT have to live like that!
In 2004, I was a passenger in a very bad car accident. The driver was probably the most special person in my daily life at the time, and he was taken to jail as a result of the accident for DUI. He was kept in jail for months (this was not his first DUI). During his time in jail, he decided that he did not want to live like we were anymore. The thought of almost killing us was too much for him to take. After released from jail, he went into a treatment center for men. So after years of daily drinking, he was able to stop drinking.....with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous. I couldn’t believe it. All of a sudden, this angry, pissed off, drunk man, was smiling, had friends and most importantly....HE WASNT DRINKING! I thought to myself, maybe, I could try to stop. I had tried before, but maybe the AA thing worked. I mean, if HE could do it, I could do it, right??
I went to my first meeting at an open meeting, a speaker meeting. I heard the speaker telling me his story, but it was MY story. A man, telling all about ME. And after all the stories of what happened, I picked out all of the differences, but the commonalities were too great. After I left the meeting, I kept hearing the promises ring in my brain.
So, I picked up a white chip, a sponsor and HOPE. I was scared to death, but I wanted to live a better life. And it couldn’t be any worse than what I was living.
I was told to call my sponsor everyday, pray and ask God to keep me sober (whether I believed it or not). I was to go to meetings when ever I was told and do things that I didn’t want to do. Like read the Big Book everyday. Write steps and feelings. And little by little, each day, I started to feel better.
The obsession to drink and use was strong. I had to call my sponsor and other women in the program SEVERAL times a day. I had to cry and scream and watch my friends in the program flush my pills down the toilet. I had to talk and learn to admit I didn’t know how to do anything. I didn’t know how to be a friend, a mom, a woman, a partner, a lover, a good worker....I had to admit that I didn’t know how to think like a "normal" person nor act like one. I had to learn to ask for help and accept it. I had to learn that I was a child of God and deserved to have good things.
I had to learn that sex was not the answer either. I could communicate feelings with words. I could ask for things instead of using my body as bait. I could say “NO” if I wanted to. I could WAIT and make sex a super powerful experience between two people who loved each other. God wants us to have an active, great sex life, as long as our motives are right.
“In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test – was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.” AA Big Book pg. 69
I have been sober for almost two years now and since I have been sober and ACTIVELY working a program, the things that this disease has taken from me, have been returned and then some.
I have my health back, trust back from those I have hurt, I have a GREAT JOB that I LOVE. I have self respect, friends, and family. My daughter, the one I lost 10 years ago, is back living with me. Living with ME! In my HOUSE. I have never lived in a house before, but God has given so many gifts in this program. Things that people said I would NEVER have. All as a result of staying sober, ONE DAY AT A TIME!
Do not let your disease tell you that you are not capable of good things. You are a child of GOD and a person of WORTH!
I have forgiven my parents, which I had blamed for many years. With working the steps, and my Higher Power, I have realized that my parents were sick too. They too had this disease and they did the absolutely BEST they knew how. I know they loved me more than life itself, but because of this disease, they wanted to LOVE me, but didn’t know how to break free from the addiction. Today, I have a great relationship with my parents and the resentment that haunted me for YEARS and fed my addiction has been lifted. I no longer have the mental obsession and I am able to use the painful past to help others who suffer from this disease, break FREE from its hold by sharing my experience, strength and hope.
The disease that produced a past built of shame, guilt, loss; pain is turned around and used for good. All those things that I thought I would never share and would hurt me forever, no longer bind me. I get to use those painful experiences and help another person. When I look into the eyes of a crying woman, who has lost her child, or who has been raped, or who has abandoned…and I can hold her hand and say “I know what your feeling and it won’t hurt forever. Let me guide and encourage you to a way of life that turns that pain into glory”, it make every single event of my life worth something. I no longer regret the past nor do I fear the future. I live grateful and to the fullest…one day at a time.
We do not have to live chained by addiction anymore. It is true when I say, "You don't have drink or use again!" There IS a SOLUTION!
I hope my story has somehow helped those who have taken the time to read it. I may not know who you are, but I LOVE YOU! I extend my hand of encouragement, hope and love to anyone who wants a solution. Until then, I wish you love, health and prosperity.