(Under construction mortals...you will wait for my words to be revealed)
Cthulhu for president!
The Chaos partyMy platform is straight-forward and simple. And unlike past presidential candidates, I refuse to lie. I am in this for myself. I am not about to ride in a bus or fly in a plane from major city to major city kissing babies and attending fund raisers for the needy.
No because I am Cthulhu and such trivial matters are beneath me. I will reshape America into a new force to be feared and reckoned with. Madness will follow in my wake infecting non-supporters, and I shall devour my enemies.
A few platform highlights.
Gun control:
I Cthulhu decrees that all mortal beings of the human persuasion shall be issued a handgun at the age of 16 and a fully automatic rifle at the age of 20.
The inital chaos and internal warfare will cull the weak from the strong and give my ghoulish minions much to feed apon. Those left after the inital wake of destruction will be feared! Why may you ask you insignifigant puddle of skin? Simple. My nation will be well armed and self trained for every kind of warfare imaginable. No other nation would think once let alone twice about stepping foot in my domain of warriors.
On the plus side for your "morally aligned" citizens, this new bold america will be the most polite and courteous country! People will thank you for opening doors for them, tips shall be left for good service, road rage will escalate to epic proportions only then to taper off to a whimper, police brutality shall be a thing of the past!
Yes the fear of a hot lead injection for slighting a fellow countryman shall lead to new heights of saying "Please" and "Thank you". Imagine an america where you will not be cut off during rush hour traffic. An America where dogs no longer deficate on sidewalks. An america where violent criminals will have to leave for every good man and woman will have enough ammo to personally invade a small country!
Marriage:
For a long time my minions have whispered unto me the tragedy that is gay marriage...or actually the disdain thereof!
Great Cthulhu will abolish the archaic man and woman only marriage policy! Everything will be legally ordained as marriage material! Dogs and men, bookshelves and women! Plastic toys and bottles of carbonated refreshments... the list is endless! Cthulhu only decrees that your small squishy ones (Children) under the age of 17 are immune to the anything goes rule. Mostly due to the fact that all newborns will be left under the care of Shub-Niggurath for the first 15 years of their life to learn all the lessons they will need for the coming years.
Cthulhu encourages marriage! In the new Cthulhu America no one should ever feel persecuted for walking the streets openly with the one(s)that they deem their spouse!
Foreign policy:
Your past presidents were weak and feeble examples of human thinking! Slave owners who would expouse the virtues of freedom! Family men whom never gathered with thier ilk! Theives and crooks who declared that justice would be served, only to escape their own law!
NO MORE!!!
Cthulhu will make only one statement to the world. To declare or act in hostile intent apon my nation will result in every man, woman, child, livestock, pet, and vermin....to be devoured. Your nation shalt not attack mine nation or suffer being utterly consumed.
Nor wilt Cthulhu send his civilians nor warriors to fight in battles afar unless the proper summoning incantions are performed, which will inevitably result in the incantors being driven mad or devoured by Cthulhu himself.
Church and state:
Lord Cthulhu being a being of diefic stature knows full well the importance of religion, However bloody rituals and rites have no place in the juristictional field of state and federal affairs. Cthulhu is willing to allow worship of himself and the other Great Old Ones to take place outside of government and civic duties.
Education:
Lord Cthulhu is in utter contempt of the weak schooling American students receive! Advanced mathematics, Literature, Ancient history, Languages, and of course arcane teachings will be focused on! Deviant sciences and eploratory sciences will take a new front seat in the education program! As well stellar studies of the cosmos shall be highly encouraged.
Students that fail to garner a steady C+ in their curriculum shall be eaten. Likewise higher learning institutions shall administrate a full array or arcanum based teachings for advanced students or be otherwise eaten.
The war in Iraq:
Only to slake your insepid curiosity does Cthulhu touch apon this topic. Had you mortals made the correct choice in your unweildy calender year 2004, and chosen to elect Cthulhu in the first place this war would never have started. Saddam would have already been eaten. Osama would have already been eaten. Likewise all their supporters have been eaten. All the (American) passengers on the airplanes would have been armed with fully automatic weapons....
However now, with your current mockery of intelligent flesh as president. By that Cthulhu means the meatpuppet known as G.W.Bush....whom also would have been eaten for his utter ineptitude. With him spearheading the most comical of spectacles and living in plush conditions while sending his minions to die, well Cthulhu knows that will take time to clean up.
First, Colin Powell, Candoleeza Rice, Robert (Bob) Dole, G.W.Bush, His wife and 2 daughters as well as father - George Bush, The entirety of congress, Carrot top, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin'Laden, Ross Perot, the organization known as the Al'Qeida, The C.I.A, Michael Moore, Kim Jong Ill, Jaques Chirac, And most of Nato... Will be immediatly eaten!
Afterwards, military withdrawls will take place to return friends and family home. Any foreign insurgents that interrupt the withdrawl will also be subject to being devoured. Actually Cthulhu has a post thought that G.W.Bush will not be eaten, rather he will be deported and banished from America and left to fend for himself with his choice to reside in either Afganistan or Iraq.
Americas new image!
For centuries This nation undre Cthulhu has gone through strife and turmoil, none like the which I can unleash should I become displeased with it. However the time of mockery shall come to an end under my reign! Our boarders shall close to all travel save for trade while severe architectual changes are made from sea to sea, Tha land itself will seem to come to life as cities are rebuilt to be more inclined to appear themselfs as gigantic living organisms! Streets shall be paved with runes both mundane and arcane...and the name "United States of America" Shall be no more.
No other country or nation allows itself to appear so divided to the external eye. This nations name will take a tougher and meaner stance, The U.S.A. will be known as... Ämèrïcå. Taking a que from death metal bands and techno industrial bands in Germany (A country with a mean image itself.) Ämèrïcå will have all those strange squiggly symbols added to it. This sounds on the outside as if individual states shall be no more, but rest assured skinbags, it's just a namechange.
A polite and courteous Ämèrïcå!
A free marriage Ämèrïcå!
A strong Ämèrïcå!
An openly religious Ämèrïcå!
A higher education Ämèrïcå!
A justice seeking Ämèrïcå!
A Cthulhu Ämèrïcå!