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This web page features content that's intended for EDUCATIONAL and ENTERTAINMENT purposes ONLY. Parts of this web page contains content which some Christians (fundamentalist) may find offensive. This web page is primarily intended for the entertainment of open-minded Christians, Jews, atheist, agnostics, Wiccans, Neopagans, Druids, as well as any other heathen not mentioned, including those who practice humanism, deism, pantheism, rationalism, and freethought. Basically, this page is intended for anyone that has a good sense of humor and shows receptiveness to new and different ideas, and values the opinion of others, especially mine! This web page is NOT for the narrow-minded, ultra-conservative, or religious extremists. The content on this page is satirical in nature, and is to be considered as a parody that's intended for MATURE audiences ONLY. Satan strongly encourages all IMMATURE users who don't have their parents permission to EXIT this page, and NOT send hate mail, or preach to me about Jesus. I know more about Jesus than you anyway. No part or parts of Hell's MySpace Outreach Service are produced by televangelist, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, Scientologist, fundamentalist Christians, emos, conservative politicians, undocumented immigrants, or assembled in Third World sweatshops employing child labor.

Living easy, Living free!

Don't need reason, don't need rhyme, ain't nothing I would rather do! Going down, party time, your friends are gonna be here too! Getting your season ticket to Hell, will be the best thing you've EVER DONE! Providing you with the BEST entertainment on Earth, is my JOB NUMBER ONE!. Bon Scott, Entertainment Director
Hell Concerts

I got a shot at two natural 20's to make it to Hell.

I'm happy I wasn't annihilated and sent to heaven! As many of you already know, I'm the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons. I've been called one of the fathers of modern fantasy, unfortunately that fantasy is responsible for thousands of kids never getting laid. Many have called me a great man of vision and creativity, but never a way to pick up chicks. I may have failed my throw against death, but after rolling for initiative and calculating my THAC0, I now live in the best fantasy world imaginable, my Journey's End. Hell is a place that this dedicated and extraordinarily lucky traveler found. Unlike D&D, Hell has a set of real winning conditions! Gary Gygax, Director
Hell Creature Development and Expansion

Courtney was Something In The Way!

I said "If it's illegal to rock and roll, throw my ass in jail," NOT Hell! (laughs) "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you!" (looks out window) "Get stoned and worship Satan!" "Before I die, many will die with me and they will deserve it. See you in Hell!" You heard me Courtney, you gold-digging bitch! Kurt Cobain, Director of Murder Victim Counseling
Hell Credit and Victim Counseling Services

I'm sick of being accused of gold-digging!

It just so happens I get turned on by liver spots! (inflates a low implant on one of her breast with a portable air pump) For some reason people think I am this terrible person and it really hurts me to hear that. I am just doing the best I know how to. Nobody has ever respected me and done things for me and loved me. So when Satan came along, it was a blessing. He is the only person in my life who does not care about what other people say about me. He truly loves me and I love him for it. Anna Nicole Smith, former Miss Hell 2007,
Miss Hell Organization

Crikey!

I'm a proud Australian, a very, very proud Australian, but now I live in another land down under, and Crikey! We have real live velociraptors! Yeah, I'm a thrill seeker, and Hell is a dream come true! So, my tactic with conservation of apex predators has always been to get people excited and take them to where they live. Crikey! Go To Hell! Where the dinosaurs who eat the crocs rule! Steve Irwin, Executive Director
Hell Zoo

Feeling nearly faded as my jeans?

From the coal mines of Kentucky to the California sun, Satan shared the secrets of my soul. Now you can share yours with me. Do you have an alcohol/drug abuse problem? If so, Hell's Pharmacy and liquor stores are open 24-Hours for your convenience! Janis Joplin, Alcohol and Drug Counselor
Hell Clinical Services

Are you ungrateful that you're dead?

"Truth is something you stumble into when you think you're going someplace else." "What is life but being conscious?" (Takes a hit off of bong) "And good and evil are manifestations of consciousness. If you reject one, you're not getting the whole thing that's there to be had." Jerry Garcia, Lead Pharmacist
Hell Clinical Services

This is what I get for sleeping
in Kirk Hammett's bed!

Seriously, getting around Hell has gotten much easier since I rolled out of bed and into Hell! I built and operate Hell's first mass transit system, the Hell Area Rapid Transit, or HART for short. HART takes the trauma out of getting around Hell. Our new state-of-the-art buses feature anti-rollover systems, and even a black ice avoidance system, for just in case if Hell ever decides to freeze over. Whether it's for eternity, or just a family vacation, Hell remains the Original Hotspot. Cliff Burton, Transportation Director
Hell Area Rapid Transit

I don't sound like nobody.

"The only thing worse than watching a bad movie is being in one." (Takes a bite out of a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich) "The world is more alive at night; it's like God isn't looking." (Shoots his TV set) "I get sometimes; I get lonesome right in the middle of a crowd." (Pops some 'wake-up' pills) "Folks always look good in their coffins." Elvis Presley, Food and Beverage Director
Hell Food and Beverage Operations

I'm Rick James, bitch!

I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, one of the best singers and one of the best looking motherfuckers you've ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch. What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP! I wish I had more hands... so I could give those titties four thumbs down. Fuck yo couch, nigga, fuck yo couch! Rick James, Hell's Pimp
Hell Escort Service

Everybody thinks I'm, like, a bad boy.
I'm a good boy who just likes to be bad.

I was once on top, up top, (as a child actor) but then I became better known for my drug bust and trying to steal a 45-foot luxury yacht. I could have been a bigger success if the cops would have stopped trying to sell me heroin, and if I had not failed to untie the boat from the dock. Going to Hell is much better than my career in development limbo. I now have my own boats to steal! Brad Renfro, President
Lake of Fire Yacht Club

Hell Office of Emo Research and Torture Development

When a family is told their child has emo, parents and grandparents, brothers and sisters are forced to cope with a new reality. Music and taste are put on hold. But thankfully, the Hell Office of Emo Research and Torture Development is working around the clock to find cures and save children stricken with emo.
Internationally recognized for its pioneering work in finding cures for kids with emo and other catastrophic taste. Discoveries made here will change music taste forever!

FREE EMO KIDS!

Hell currently has a surplus of emo kids. We simply have too many, and they're starting to depress our patrons who're down here for the fun. We've run out of ways to torture them, and they love everything we do to them! Hell's emo kids are shipped free by FedEx Next Day Air using only genuine FedEx EmoBox® shipping boxes and cut-resistant packaging materials.

PLACE YOUR ORDER TODAY!

Hawthorne Heights CD's and razor blades not included.
WARNING: KEEP AWAY FROM SHARP OBJECTS. THEY'LL LAST LONGER!

Plan your family vacation in the REAL land down under, and create memories for a lifetime! Visit and explore Hell's 666 magical theme parks offering the best fun-filled attractions and entertainment available anywhere -- at any price! Lot's of hellacious fun to be had! Don't get burned at those knockoff amusement parks!

Hell is the
Original Hotspot!
It's not your Daddy's roller coaster!
Hell's new rocket-powered roller coaster is a real beast! It dives 100,000 feet into real flame pits, and reaches the blazing speed of 600 mph! The Satan's Spawn roller coaster ride last 90-minutes, and is a hot, fast and reasonably safe ride.
Satan's actually a pretty nice guy. I'm just this regular guy who watches pro wrestling, FUSE, MTV, MuchMusic, VH1, Music Choice, and C-SPAN. Sure I rule hell and so on, but I'm not like the other guy, I'm approachable. I'm not all full of myself. I don't bogart the joint just because I'm the fucking fallen morning star.
But even so, if you want to hang with me, you gotta follow a couple rules. They aren't commandments exactly, because I'm willing to overlook a few infractions, you know, out of neighborliness. Again, I'm not like that other prick, just keep 'em in mind is all I ask.

Satan's Guidelines:

Don't kill people if you can help it. If they're bad people, Satan would rather have them out doing evil in the world. If they're good people, they go to heaven and nobody wants that.
If you must fuck with people, better to make them say "why God why?" than "God help me." Real torture leads people to find their Inner Strength and shit, petty meanness makes people lose faith in each other. It's better to hit their dog with your car and then drive away laughing.
Don't try to make the world a better place. I know this is a no-brainer but you'd be surprised the kind of goody two shoes want to be Satan's buds. Don't give money to Amnesty International or the NRA, or even the fucking Kiwanis club. Keep your cash for yourself, spend it on cigs and porn, put it in stocks bonds and IRAs, who gives a shit. Anyway the world is pretty much just how Satan likes it, and if I want it any different, I'll tell you.
Don't try to tempt people to sin. It's a union thing, and believe me you don't want to scab on demons. Just kill puppies and leave the rest to the professionals. Oh, and don't get caught, asshole. You definitely won't do Satan any favors from inside a padded cell.
CLICK BANNER TO ADD SATAN

From America, EVIL Hollywood style...

To the Old School EVIL in England...

And from Russia with Love...

Everybody Loves Satan!

No good without evil...
No love without hate...
No Heaven without Hell...
No light without darkness...
No girls without money!

SHOW SATAN'S FRIENDS SOME LOVE!

Excerpts of the roleplaying game "kill puppies for satan" are used by permission from its owner, D. Vincent Baker of Lumpley Games. Movie stills and publicity photos contained on this parody web page are used under the provisions of the fair use exceptions of Section 107 of the Copyright Act, Limitations on Exclusive Rights: Fair Use, (2) parody and satire. Other work that's not used with Creative Commons licenses, used by permission, or other granted licenses and rights for non-commercial, nonprofit, and educational purposes, or covered by fair use exceptions, are the sole property of the author of this page.