Relaya

こんにちは
I'm re-writing my profile information as I was in an aggressively attention seeking mood when I wrote out the other one... Agressively attention seeking... Well that pretty much sums me up, if indeed, you can sum up such a thing as a human being at all. It's the way that I have learned to get by in this world most of time... And I know I am more than a little bitter of selected experiences.
Those people who have any kind of liking for me I guess must see past that front. And are cherished for that. Really. I don't claim to be a nice person. I shout, I scream, I can be terribly twisted. I have wronged people. I lash out physically and verbally... and have done on far too many ocassions. I am in the process of letting an awful amount of hate go... Sweetness and optimism are not in my natural nature at this stage in my life. If that makes me Emo then so be it. I'll be your label. Fuck, I let myself be your puppet most of the time so why should I mind?
From somewhere however, I have developed a very strong ego. I keep it private but chances are I do think that I'm better than a lot of people, wrongly or rightly. This is mostly with regards to my intellect however. And I actually mean it. And this is why I take people having a dislike of me very heavily. But I view this as penance for my arrogance in the first place. Not that I believe arrogance is wrong, I have hated myself for too long to believe that, but it is in need of being balanced out.
Much of what I am, particularly around new or many people IS a front. Still, I can be good and I can be endearing. But I'll leave that to other people to speak of and show me. And only the closest understands just how much I need to be shown. Heh.
Above all I value freedom in this ever more restricting world. I want to be an Editor one year and a Piercer the next. And then a Teacher and a Pub Manager. I want to dress like I'm the walking dead one day and as a pretty plastic girl the following day. I want to kill someone and give someone else another life in the same day. I want to break my body at Wacken and I want to stay alone in my room at night just thinking.
I want to make a marriage of conflicts.
But really, I want to to be able to just fucking slam this door...