Josh's Hearing Aid

You have been marked on my profile map! Click to zoom-in.PLEASE STOP WASTING MY TIME WITH THE SPAM FRIEND REQUESTS. YOU WILL BE MARKED AS SPAM AND BLOCKED.Hi, I am Josh's hearing aid. I have been hanging out on the side of his head for about 23 years now. We have shared a lot of memories; both good and bad. I am an older model that is scared of being replaced by those younger more "hip" models. I have been working hard for years to keep our relationship strong. I am an expert in all forms of martial arts. I have read an entire set of Encyclopedia -- in one weekend. I have met every US President. I sometimes create ice sculptors just for fun. I have counted every hair on Josh's head. I once ate "the whole thing." I CAN believe it's not butter. I once trained a blind cat to juggle. I fought in WWI and WWII. I can hold my breath for 3 days. I have been known to disprove gravity. I know the sound of one hand clapping and what a tree sounds like when it falls in the wood. I can kick Chuck Norris's ass. I can fuse hydrogen and oxygen and make water. I once rewired the electrical system of an airplane using only a toothpick and a comb. I learned Spanish, French, Arabic, and DOS in half an hour. I have touched every $1 bill that has ever been circulated. I tutor one armed, dyslexic, midgets in geometry.I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. I tell the fat lady when to sing. I can help you save money on your car insurance. I created the "fit bump" that Barack and Michelle Obama did. I know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. I have my pets spayed or neutered. I apologize for the nude photos that appear in magazines that will remain unnamed -- I was just starting out. Think of a number between 1 and 1000. I already know your number. I do all my own stunts. The Mona Lisa is smiling at me. I do the jobs Americans don't want to do. I can find Waldo. I once bowled a 301. I know Victoria's secret. I can recite Pi to its last digit -- backwards. I built Rome in a day and I can, in fact, judge a book by it's cover. My list of accomplishments will continue as I continue my journey on Josh's ear. -
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