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The Ultimate True Real Metal Supergroup. There is no other description. There are no other adjectives. There are no other verbs, adverbs, or pronouns. Children of Nar is the the kind of unity that can only come about as some kind of miracle. It is the answer to every Metal fan's dreams. That is, unless they listen to a bunch of piece of shit false metal groups. Children of Nar were formed in Valhalla (a post-apocalpytic suburb near the town of Nar) in 1985. "Biff" and Malvolio had every intention of creating True Real Metal in their own unique and extravagant manner. To introduce the world to their majestic brand of malevolence, they began work on a split LP that would consist mainly of cover songs from the original True Real Metal Warriors, Anal Guardian . "Biff" and Malvolio contacted Anal Guardian six-stringer KMX (aka Lazimondias) to supply backing vocals to their re-workings. So taken was he by their excellence that they ended up collaborating. The motto was simple: No limits. "I like to hit things with my hand and my head," says Lurmin. "A lot of times, I'll pick up stuff in my house, like a phone, or an old shoe, and I'll toss it at the wall." "This time around," explains Malvolio. "We don't have to worry about something being too extravagant or complicated to play. Unlike the other bands that we are in, we don't have to be limited to what four people can play. With our skills and our technology, we can do whatever the fuck we want." By 1992, their own success overwhelmed them, leading to a case of too much too soon. They broke up on an ugly note, and their legacy was regarded as little more than a hazy dream. But, in 2004, the Children got their priorities straight and reunited. Older, wiser, truer, and realer, this time they weren't going to fuck everything up. "It really is a testament to how far we've gotten in our lives that we're able to re-start this band twelve years later," says bass-thumping genius Sir Andrew. As their percussive maestro, Loin Cloth, adds, "I could -- I could really use a -- a drink. I could really use - use a d-d-drink. I fucking - I used to p-play in Rush, I think." "We are the children that you have neglected," says Lurmin. "We are the rats you have stepped on while you walked through your cellar to get a doughnut. We are the crumbs that have fallen off of that doughnut while you ate it in the cellar. We are the fungus that has formed on the crumbs of the doughnut because you should never store doughnuts in the cellar. We are the Children of Nar!" "Can I say something at the end?" asks KMX. "Okay, thank you. Thank you very much indeed."
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