Gladiator4God

My name is Jerry and welcome to my Soldiers of Faith Ministry Myspace page. I became a believer in God the Father and his Son Yeshua/Jesus Christ during December 30, 2006. Prior to my change, I was a very lost, confused, and deteriorating person: mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. The majority of my 42 years of life, was one of constant Bipolarity/Manic Depression, emotional instabilities, rage issues, low-self esteem, insecurity, betrayals, solitude, loneliness, heart break, suicidal thoughts, anger, mental and emotional abuse, bitterness, and fear (and that's far from all). I also had my bouts with identity crisis, constant fear of abandonment, drunkenness, and self inflicted pain such as through burning and razor blades (to list only a few more, but still far from all). I come from a history of emotional, mental, and even physical abuse as a Child, and into my teen and adult years, did it become "self-inflicted abuse" and the repeated choice of wrong friends, wrong relationships, interests, and decisions.
Into my early 20's did I become more and more interested in the Occult, Black Magick, and Satanism. By the time I was into my mid/late 20's I was a Satanist and studied various paths of Theistic and Modern Satanism, Luciferianism, Occult Magick and Science. My interest in Satanism first came when I read Anton Szandor LaVey's Satanic Bible, and from there I only grew deeper and deeper into the subject through other various Satanic and Occult studies and research. Eventually, I explored such texts as the Necronomicon, the Greater and Lesser Keys of Solomon, Cornilius Agrippa's Three Books on Occult Philosophy, Golden Dawn, OTO, and Theistic Satanism and Luciferian studies. In addition to Satanism, I also had interests in Paganism, Mysticism, and I was a member of the United Lodge of Theosophists in Philadelphia in 1997. However, I always felt the most drawn to Satanism and the Black Arts, and it began to seriously rule my whole persona after so much time. I was an extreme anti-Christian and hater of God, and I eventually formed a popular regional Death/Doom Heavy Metal band in the Philadelphia/NJ area called "Evil God Revival" in late 1993. I was the lead singer of the band, and the band released a demo Cassette in the summer of 1994, and in late 1995 the band released a full length CD recorded at Sigma Sound in Philadelphia. The CD was frequently heard on 93.3 WMMR on Mel Toxic's "Loud & Local" show and 94 WYSP on Ray Koobs Friday Night Metal show called "Rockers." In fact, Ray had us on the show as guests twice (once in late 1995 and again in Feb of 1996). A known local College station WKDU out of Drexel had us on also, as well had me alone on their shows as a guest, I almost felt like I was a part of the staff after a while. The band was also reviewed and had write ups in various Fanzines and local entertainment News Papers, and we played several of the main venues in the area between 1994-96. We even appeared on a brief local Television show called "Expose" in '95 where the episode wanted to ask us about the Heavy Metal scene, Mosh Pits, Bands, etc.
Unfortunately, even though the band attained a strong following and popularity status during this era, the message was very negative and against God, the band promoted Satanism and extreme anti-Christianity. During the years 1994-95, I tattooed my body, mainly my arms and my back, with various Satanic and demonic images representing Demonic entities, Pentagrams, Sabbatic Goats, and vampiric/lycanthropic figures. The band eventually broke up in June 1996 during a show we played in south NJ. Also in 1996 did I become involved in concert promoting, and the shows I was hosting created a pretty cool buzz in the local Metal, Goth/Industrial music scenes. My promotions were called "Black Vatican Productions" in the Philly area, and I got to work with some various Cleopatra Records artists like The Wake and the Electric HellFire Club. I also met the Mistfits on a couple of occasions through a mutual friend and almost booked them in Philadelphia, but the Club wasn't having this genre of music. The Tracodero beat me to it anyway, but atleast I got to meet one of my favorite Punk bands at the time. Jerry Only was a nice guy and fun to hang out with. I also became good friends with known NYC band The Empire Hideous, and produced a demo for them in 1997. Promoting was a fun experience and I met interesting people, but as all of my other temporary ventures in life, it faded out. Also in 1997 I formed a second project music called "Black Pentecost" with a friend of mine at the time. The project wasn't really an actual band. What we performed were very twisted soundscapes, ritualistic music, and horrific melodies, the project resembled another similar project from the early 90's called "Abruptum" out of Northern Europe. This project actually got signed to an indie label in CA called "GOTHIC Records" and we also had a full page write up for Pit Magazine in the March 1998 issue. However, this project too, ended by late '98. When I look back, I realize that I was apparently searching for something. Was I trying to escape one thing to find another? Was I running? Or, just lying to myself to fit in and be accepted by a certain scene, maybe because I gave up on the rest of the world? One thing I do know is, I was living a false persona and was a seriously confused individual. I was hurting more then I realized, and I wasn't finding what it was that I was meant to find in my life. My life was truthfully, never real.
Prior to being involved with the music scene or seriously becoming absorbed by Satanism, I was a Professional Wrestler who graduated from Larry Sharps Monster Factory in 1990. I signed up for and paid my dues at Larry's school in the fall of 1989 and my short career ended in early 1991. During the time I spent as a Pro Wrestler, I had a few local matches, and in June 1990, I was called to travel with the then WWF to two NY shows, one in Rochester and another in Saracuse. I never actually got to wrestle, but I did carry out the Macho man Randy Savage and Sherri on the throne with several other wrestlers, this was during the time when Randy Savage was going by the "Macho King" I'm sure there may be some wrestling fans that remember those days. I probably didn't actually get to work at any of the WWF shows because I was still relatively new. Maybe they weren't certain I could sell the beating, who knows lol. You see, back in those days, they more frequently used scrubs, or unknown wrestlers from schools or small local independents, to make the famous wrestlers look good. They were the guys you'd see on regular TV taking a beating for 1-2 minutes on Saturday Mornings, remember? I hung out with and met pretty much all of the WWF stars of the era, including: Ultimate Warrior, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Big Boss Man, Dino Bravo, Kurt Henning, EarthQuake, TugBoat, The Warlord, the BushWackers, Hurcules, Ronny Garvin, Rick Rude, Mr. Fuji, Demolishion, Shawn Michaels, and Jake The Snake Roberts. However, I never did meet Hulk Hogan, unfortunately. Yeah, those were the good'ol days. I did however get to meet numerous Wrestlers throughout my short career, and had the honor of working with them on the same cards and even hanging out after the shows at local Restaurants in NJ. Some of the ones I remember most are the late Kerry Von Erich, Ivan Koloff, Terry Funk, The Samoans, Cactus Jack (Mankind in WWE), Jerry The King Lawler, Don Muraco, Ken Patera, SD Jones, The Pit Bulls, and Stan Hansen. I also had the privilege of training with Tatanka and the late Chris Candito at Larrys school, whom trained at the Monster Factory during the time I was there. I also wish to say RIP to Chris Candito (he was a great talent and a great person, I liked working with him) and congrats to Tatanka on his success with WWF/WWE, Tatanka was also a great guy too and I still remember the Monster Factory days when I worked with him in the ring. Yeah, it seems like I was a typical "Jack of all trades" who never really went as far as maybe I could have went. But, I am a believer that things do happen for a reason, and the will of God is always for a righteous cause. I may not have know this then, but I do now.
I often used to reflect back, and felt that I made a mistake by leaving wrestling, I still cant figure out why I lost interest as I did, when I likely had promise. I did attempt to comeback to wrestling in 1999 at a local wrestling gym owned by the Pit Bulls, but after a few months, the interest left me again. I think because I knew that my time was 8 years earlier, and that I missed my train. It was still a learning experience and a fun part of my life nonetheless. I also feel, as with my music venture between 93-96, I was searching for something, I wanted to be something, someone, I wanted an identity of somesort. However, as all of the other times, I was a very lost man with a very short attention span, low self-esteem, and an extreme lack of confidence in myself. I had ZERO FAITH in anything I did, and I believe that I deep down hated and resented myself. I wanted the world to accept and like me, and yet, I apparently didn't like or accept myself.
In 1998 I suffered a very immense loss and heart break that left me traumatized, depressed, and empty for several years, even after I lost Her. Yes, I say her because she was the only woman that I ever truly loved at the time, even though I did not come to realize this until after I lost her. We were together for over 3 years, we first met in the summer of 1995. I never truly felt she loved me though, or atleast not in the sense that I was looking to be loved, but I cant blame her for that. She was a young woman, in college, with much life and accomplishments to achieve, and perhaps being with a guy that was over 10 years older then her, was not the best idea for either one of us back then. I also had inner struggles and issues that did not help matters, and I was not the greatest boyfriend either. Nonetheless, the way in which we broke up proved to become something that tore me up inside and emotionally and mentally traumatized me for a long period of time. I never experienced such prolonged hurt like this, and nobody ever really knew what I was suffering inside of me after I lost her. However, it did teach me something and caused me to do some in depth self-analysis, eventhough I was to make more mistakes to come, mistakes that only further damaged me. In 2002, I suffered another very traumatizing experience from a relationship with a female that I should never have subjected myself too. Now that I reflect back, we had no business being with eachother, and the blame falls on us both, so I will not play the blame game. She made a mistake, and I made a mistake. All I will say though, is that the whole experience effected me in a deep way, and I was emotionally and mentally effected from it. Immediately after the break up with this woman, I began to go in a direction that I would never have imagined myself going in. I became involved with the Adult Industry as a Professional Dom, working out of a BDSM dungeon. I also had a website for what I was doing, which featured Fetish and S&M. I seen a lot of things while I lived the Fetish/BDSM lifestyle, and explored many things as well. I experienced a lot of things: Dominatrixes, bazaar fetishes, S&M, Kink, and B&D. I attended Fetish parties and events, and surrounded myself with the whole community for the most part. I admit that some people I met were actually good hearted people, especially some of the Female Dominatrixes I knew, and I hope and pray that they come to know the truth as I have. However, I eventually came to realize, this scene was definitely not for me, and I had to move on and break free from the grip of this dark world I was subjecting myself too, making me become something that was not truly who I was. I will not get into the details (I will confess more in my book), but all I will say, is this period of my life has haunted me a great deal, and there are no words to explain how deeply I regret doing much of this. I was not myself between late 2002 through early 2005, and I believe I was mentally sick for quite sometime. During this time, I was bitter, extremely Bipolar, and a loose cannon so to speak. I could not figure out what my life was, nor did I even know who I was anymore, but one thing was apparent....I LOST IT. Of course, I always did have a fascination for Female Mistresses and I have lived most of my life having what is known as a "Trample fetish" which basically was finding pleasure in having females trample me underfoot. Eventhough I worked as a Professional Dom, my personal lifestyle was both dom/sub which is known as a "switch" in the BDSM scene. I was "masochistic" and had a "submissiveness" when it came to being trampled. However, I still never would have guessed, that I would have taken it to such an extreme in 2003 nor would I have imagined some of the other things I explored also. As I said earlier....I LOST IT. I intend to be more open about many things when I finish writing my book.
Besides the things I have mentioned here to some degree of depth, I surrounded myself with many other dark lifestyles in my life. During the mid-late 1980's I was around drug dealers, criminals, guns, and gang fights. I also have taken drugs in my past and I had my problems with alcohol. I have also struggled with anger and psychological issues going as far back as my childhood, and I have a long history of taking medications and visiting psychologists and counselors. Most of my education was in SE (special Ed) classes because I couldn't socialize well with other kids, and lived basically a very lonely and sad childhood, more times then none were my best friends the four walls of my bedroom. I have a lifelong history of being depressed, being very alone, and there were several times in my life were I contemplated committing suicide. I didn't exactly have a great childhood, it was stricken by being emotionally and physically abused as I mentioned earlier, being an only child for the most part, being abandoned by my Mother, and never having friends or any "roots" so to speak, because Me and my Dad moved around so much, never staying in one place to long. Trying to make new friends was always there in my face, and it was never easy being the stranger or "black sheep" all the time, in fact I hated it with a passion because it deeply effected me and made me bitter, angry, and very sad. There is so much more to tell, but I shall leave that for my book.
The reason I have shared and told so much about myself, is because I want to get the most important message out there: NO ONE IS EVER TO LOST TO NOT BE FOUND BY YESHUA...JESUS CHRIST!
I want you to know, here and now, do not ever believe for one-second that you are to bad to be found again, or that God doesn't love you! GOD DOES LOVE YOU! I will never forget December of 2006. I cant explain how or why I began to change, but I did and I know that it wasn't solely on my own accord. I believe I was convicted by the Spirit of God and found by the Lord! He called out to me, and I decided to hear him! There is no such thing as being "to lost" or "to bad" or "not worth it" because I will tell You all something....YOU ARE WORTH IT AND YOU ARE FAR FROM BEING TO FAR GONE! PLEASE BELIEVE WHAT I AM TELLING YOU! I never, ever would have thought that I would one day be saying these things, but I have come to realize, that the Messiah spoken of in the Bible is real, and I believe it was Yeshua, also known as Jesus Christ of Nazareth. There are no words that can explain how, when, or why I came to believe this, but I know that Yeshua is real and who the NT says He was! The Ancient Jews were right, those early first believers in Yeshua, who wrote about Him, and I am convinced that the Torah, Old Testament Prophets were right! The Messiah came to this earth in the form of a human being in the NT, I truly do believe this! Jesus Christ is in fact real! This Jesus was sent by the true living God, the only God, and the Creator of the Universe. God is real, and God revealed truth to us through Yeshua (Christ) I believe this! There is nothing of this world that could have changed such a person as myself, who was at one time among the most extreme and hateful anti-Christians you could ever meet. Anyone who knew who I used to be will testify to what I was in my past, and I am telling you.....I WAS CHANGED BY THIS VERY SAME JESUS! I am not crazy, I am not delusional, and I am not trying to lie to people, I tell You that something changed me, and it did not come from anything human or of this planet. I believe it came from the spirit of the true living God, the same God spoken of by the ancient Jewish people, the same God written about in the Torah and the rest of the Holy Bible, the same God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and the same God who sent Yeshua, Jesus Christ, to this earth! I believe this! In fact....I KNOW THIS! This great and mighty God opened my eyes, and made me realize what my destination was, and by His power did I turn. I am telling you all the truth, please do believe me, or if you want to doubt me, then I ask you to at least believe the intentions of my heart! I know what I feel and I am not crazy.
You must all believe that we are not an accident, we do indeed exist for a reason. You MUST believe this! Non of what you see before your eyes, did not just come to evolve without a cause, and when I began to take serious the scriptures, and other various research I have come to realize truth like never before, and it is something that comes from within by means of something great and powerful that exists outside of time itself! This is without a doubt in my mind....GOD! The unconditional love this great and mighty God has for His creation, is something that cant possibly be explained in human words, but I truly do believe that when we open ourselves up, in mind, body and spirit, this God will reveal Himself to those willing to receive the revelation! People seem to imagine somekind of sign or manifestation as we see in Hollywood cinema, but it does not work like that, this comes to us from within, from beyond time and space, through eternity. As I said, it cannot be explained as we seek, but it exists and it is real. I also hope that more and more people come to know this as I do.
I was so lost, so gone, so dead within myself. I truly was a very empty person and I did not even know what hope was anymore, and I certainly had no enthusiasm for my life. In fact, I wanted to die. I hated my life and I hated myself, and there was never truly a single day in my life when I was actually happy. I always cried inside, and I shed tears, anger, and emptiness for most of my life. In fact, I still at times struggle, as I am a work in progress. But there is one thing I have now, that I never had before. This is HOPE.
I also will never lose hope ever again, no matter how painful life can be. There is nothing that can destroy hope, not when it comes from God, and God is the most awesome truth I have ever come to know, and I will never turn my back on God ever again.
There is much more to tell about myself, my struggles, sufferings, and experiences with a complex and painful life. This was all but a portion of it, that's all. As I said, God gave me a Hope like I never knew, and I will never let go of that Hope. Thank you for reading and God Bless.
Reverend Jerry
Note: This is not even all of my testimony, for there is so much, much more to tell. The reason I have decided to post this here on my front page, is because I want all of you to know, that you are never to far gone to know the Heavenly Father God Almighty, and you are never to far gone to know His Son Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, Lord of Lords. The Bible says that "God is not willing that any should perish and that all should come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9). This is why I share this testimony of myself, to bear witness to people, that the truly lost can in deed come to know Christ! Please don't ever think for a second that you are stuck where you are, because you definitely don't have to be. Please reach out and know the Creator, knowledge that there is in fact a God, and he is merciful and loves His creation. His Son Yeshua (Jesus Christ) was sent to us for that reason, to be reconciled back to Him. Please my friends, I am pleading with you, to please return to God. If you are still reading this, then you are definitely not to far gone to be found. Amen
PSALM 23
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.