Carbuncle profile picture

Carbuncle

I am here for Friends and Networking

About Me

Carbuncle is the author of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed. Carbuncle’s stories are channeled through a pathetic little man who has to work a respectable job during the days in order to feed the infestation of children in his house.Signed copies now available at LanceCarbuncle.com . Also available at Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com and at Haslam's bookstore in St. Petersburg, Florida.

PRAISE FOR SMASHED, SQUASHED, SPLATTERED, CHEWED, CHUNKED AND SPEWED.

"Like On the Road as seen through the prism of a carnival sideshow."
Bradley Sands- Author of It Came from Below the Belt and Editor-in-Chief of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens.

"Seriously f#@*ed up fun! Prepare to be let down by the book you read after it."
Scott Carpenter- Author of Mr. Undesirable

“Wow! That was quite a ride. I feel the need to shower and call my mother, but I'm smiling! ”
Rhonda, Really- Myspace member, Reader, Reviewer, and woman with phobia related to Toby Keith’s giant teeth

"I'd definitely recommend this book. It reads like it was written by an odd bastard child of Jack Black and Christopher Moore. I read it in one sitting. ONCE I STARTED I COULD NOT STOP."
May I Bleed Ink- Myspace member, Reader, Reviewer, an all around cool guy

"[A] modern epic journey that puts Homer's Odyssey to shame. SSSCCaS follows the voyage of one man trying to get back to his canine soul mate, and the interactions he has with those he meets along the way. Snarky, witty, and riotous, leaves you with the feeling of time well spent. Should come with a warning label. CAUTION: Author not responsible for any injury, or loss of dignity incurred while reading in public. Under no circumstances should one eat or drink while reading. Doing so may result in trouble breathing, choking or death."
Artoria-Amazon.com reviewer

"Loved it can't wait for the next one! Smashed Squashed Splattered Chewed Chunked and Spewed is the best book I have read in a while... I laughed and went through the book in record speed. The book itself keeps you spellbound and its very hard to put down. I recommend it highly. Definitely check out Lance Carbuncle the man is a genius and I cant wait until the next book!"
Terrapin-Station- Myspace member, Reader, Reviewer and super-groovy hippie chick

"I read a book called Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed this weekend. Granted it was the first book I have read in quite some time, it was by far the BEST book I have ever read! Everyone needs to check it out... Check it out my peeps!"
P. Rose- Myspace member, Reader, Reviewer and Intelligent Gentleman

"Smashed is the funniest book I have ever read. I couldn't put it down. It has a hilarious cast of characters and even crazier events that are all masterfully wound together. If you have a weird sense of humor BUY THIS BOOK NOW!!!!"
Stephen Simon- Reader, Reviewer and Mixologist Extraordinaire

Often hilarious, always fun, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is a honkin' good time from start to finish. With tons of pop-culture references; dark, twisted humor; and insanely well developed characters; Lance Carbuncle brings home a great first novel. Fans of Christopher Moore, Robert Tacoma, and Tim Dorsey will find joy in Carbuncle's pages. This is one wild and zany (road)trip you won't want to miss!
Citizen Dan- Myspace Reader, Reviewer and Man who craves himself some Grape Drank



My Interests

Making eye contact with people on elevators. Sniffing my finger after digging in my bellybutton. Toasting stale bread. Consuming canned food purchased at the dollar store. Talking to myself in public. Warm, dark, quiet rooms.

I'd like to meet:

A person who has survived a parachute malfunction. Roy "The Fingerless Fiddler" Thackery. Mr. T. Lori/Dori Chappelle. Stephen King. Bridget the Midget. A talking dog. An Organ Grinder with a smoking monkey. Frank Zappa's ghost. A ghost. Richard Cheese. Writers, readers and creative people.

Music:

Mrs. Miller, Robert Johnson, R.L. Burnside, Mike Doughty/Soul Coughing, St. Germain, Black Sabbath, Sublime, The White Stripes, Richard Cheese, Ween, The Kinks, Modest Mouse, Frank Zappa, Faith No More, Joe Strummer, The Safety Dance.

Movies:

Shaun of the Dead, Wristcutters, Desperado, Kingpin, The Unforgiven, Anchorman, Terror of Tiny Town, Frailty, Freddy Got Fingered

Television:

Lancelot Link, The Sopranos, UFC, Upright Citizens Brigade, Jeopardy, No Reservations, History Channel

Books:

A Pickle for the Knowing Ones, Slapstick, Memoirs from an Ant Proof Case, The Divine Child, Cold Dog Soup

Heroes:

Col. Hogan and Mr. T

My Blog

Teratoma by Lance Carbuncle

TERATOMA  by Lance Carbuncle   There are a lot of things that can be said about Baby Simone. "Simone has the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen." Says Grandma. One might say that as t...
Posted by Carbuncle on Thu, 20 Mar 2008 08:09:00 PST

fun with barfbags

If you have children on a plane and they start to get restless, do what I did with mine.  Get a crayon or pen and draw a funny face on a barf bag.  Voila, barfbag puppets.  Kids love 'e...
Posted by Carbuncle on Fri, 04 Jan 2008 07:47:00 PST

I’m quite excited about my new exercise record/program

Keep fit, Be happy This exercise program looks like a lot of fun.  And she seems like a very nice and open person.   What's going on here?  If he is supposed to be exercising why is h...
Posted by Carbuncle on Mon, 19 Nov 2007 07:24:00 PST

Dumbledore is gay

 J.K. Rowling recently shocked her fans with the news that Albus Dumbledore is gay and maybe touched flesh-wands with Grindelwald. Some fans were kind of pissed off, like this guy who got a giant...
Posted by Carbuncle on Mon, 29 Oct 2007 06:49:00 PST

Extra super-duper nifty deal!

SPECIAL OFFER! NOW AVAILABLE! DON'T WAIT! BE THE FIRST ON YOUR BLOCK TO OWN ONE! YOU CAN NOT PASS THIS ONE UP!!!! Signed copies of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed ar...
Posted by Carbuncle on Thu, 25 Oct 2007 07:52:00 PST

New Myspace reader review of Smashed, Squashed...

Terrapin-Station recently posted a very kind review on Amazon.com.  She wrote: "Loved it can't wait for the next one!  Smashed Squashed Splattered Chewed Chunked and Spewed is the best book ...
Posted by Carbuncle on Fri, 19 Oct 2007 08:44:00 PST

Words fail me...

Behold...the Albino Bowler Action Figure...  
Posted by Carbuncle on Thu, 18 Oct 2007 08:01:00 PST

First Myspace review of Smashed...

The first Myspace review of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed has come in.  I say thank you for the kind words to May I Bleed Ink, who wrote:   Smashed, Squashed, Spl...
Posted by Carbuncle on Fri, 12 Oct 2007 06:27:00 PST

Evil Chair

This evil fucking chair sits at the end of the hall in my office.  It gives me the heebie jeebies the way it leers at me.  I won't sit on it.  I turn it to face the wall.  When I c...
Posted by Carbuncle on Thu, 11 Oct 2007 08:36:00 PST

latest reviews for Smashed, Squashed, Splattered...

"My favorite read in a long time. It's real good that you done that, Son. It's a real good thing that you wrote that book." -Enid Carbuncle, mother of the author "Riveting..."    &nbs...
Posted by Carbuncle on Tue, 09 Oct 2007 07:56:00 PST