Leah - ProfilesArchive

About Me

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I LIKE TO CRAFT THE WAR

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I was raised in the swamps of Florida by crazy people who made me out of LSD-damaged DNA and misguided anger. They fed me books and taught me apathy.
After many unsuccessful attempts to escape, I finally succeeded. I had to break my heart and chew through my soul to get free, but I did it.
I ended up penniless in the Utah desert, where I lived on reduced-alcohol beer and Moonflower pods. I slept underground, wrapped in the safety of a big Mormon cocoon, until the day I had a vision that my ancestral swamp was engulfed in flames.
(You may be asking how a swamp can catch on fire, but that just shows you how messed up the place is).
Naturally, I sped toward it, chanting, "We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn!" but do-gooders with no sense of adventure extinguished the flames before I could get there, saving the swamp, and beginning The Great Vegan Marshmallow Catastrophe (a story that I have been advised by my counsel not to tell).
I dug through the ashes, and waited for a phoenix to rise up and show me the wonders of its magic and resilience. Instead I got obscene phone calls from filthy men and teddy bear enthusiasts.
It then became obvious that I needed to be homeless and itinerant, so I wandered the Appalachian wilderness. I had a wonderful time meeting other hobos with varying skill levels in substance abuse. I also met federal agents, a pyromaniacal tentmaker, a seafaring elf, and colorful mountain folk.
These vagabonds taught me that if I stood at the side of the road, alcoholics--with teeth only rivaled by the dentition in the Middle Ages--would invite me into the cabs of their pick-up trucks, and sometimes into the dark recesses of their vans. This always proved to be entertaining, and became my favorite mode of travel into the nearest poverty-stricken village, where I would fill my pack with birdseed and magic potions, before returning to the forest.
Too soon, my life as a hobo became tedious, and the pull of climate control and running water became too strong for me to fight. My dreams of lavender scented baths were so intense that I accidentally tore through the membrane that holds my dimension together (some call this a worm hole, but I don't, because that sounds dirty and unpleasant). I tried to patch the hole with duct tape, but when I got close enough to apply the shiny, silver strip of tape to the hole, eight arms shot out, gripped me firmly, and swiftly tugged me inside.
I was hurled through a vortex where everyone was forced to play board games and watch angry spouses argue over mundane things, like which Pop-Tarts to buy, or what to name the cat. It was uncomfortable and smelled like chicken nuggets.
The vortex spat me out, covered in an afterbirth-like coating of barbecue sauce, onto the bustling sidewalk of a strange new city.
It was a city full of cities that sparkled so bright, that you could shut the headlights off and drive for miles in its light.
I hurled myself through the darkness.
I pushed the dead across the universe.
And I ended up back in that fucking swamp.
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When I am not being a dork, I spend my free time working on That Damn Novel (A working title) . It's an urban fantasy and it kicks ass.
Update:I am working on chapter 30. My word count is over 87,000 (many of them are good ones).
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Old Greg-My Boyfriend

Do you love it? Make an assessment!
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Salad Fingers Episode 2 (Friends)

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Question authority, poke at the rules, and remember that sometimes you need to make new ones.
And for fuck's nuts, show some adaptability!
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My Blog

Book Journal 2009

I read a lot of ARC's for review. I don't get paid for this, and it's taking over my reading time, so I'm not really sure why I do it. JanuaryHater- David Moody Bright Lights, Big ass- Jen Lancaster ...
Posted by on Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:04:00 GMT

Shave the Date: No Bush Left Behind

That's right, people. It's a movement to celebrate no more Bush with no more bush.If you would like to participate, but need some bush maintenance advice, check out the Mominatrix web site.
Posted by on Fri, 09 Jan 2009 11:43:00 GMT

What Ive Read 2008

Jan.The Bitch Posse- Martha O'ConnorThe Little Friend- Donna TarttRed Dwarf: Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers- Grant NaylorFor a Few Demons More- Kim HarrisonFeb. Devil in the Details- Jennifer Traig...
Posted by on Tue, 16 Dec 2008 02:31:00 GMT

A Letter to Axl Rose

Dear Axl,I just wanted to respectfully point out that suing Dr. Pepper makes you look like even more of a cock knob. I understand that it sucks to release an album that it took you fourteen years to...
Posted by on Thu, 27 Nov 2008 23:38:00 GMT

New Star Trek Movie

This movie looks like it is going to kick ass! J.J. Abrams is directing, and look how cute Zachary Quinto (Sylar on Heroes) looks as Spock:Get ready for fights over New Spock VS. Classic SpockOfficial...
Posted by on Wed, 19 Nov 2008 06:21:00 GMT

The Great Schlep

Sarah Silverman is encouraging young Jewish people to go visit their Grandparents in Florida to convince them to vote for Obama.There is a website and everything: The Great SchlepWarning: Video contai...
Posted by on Sat, 11 Oct 2008 21:22:00 GMT

I will be your nemesis!

I have few regrets in life, but one is that I missed this Craigslist post. I would be perfect for this, and would absolutely do it. Check it out:Nemesis required. 6-month project with possibilty to ex...
Posted by on Sun, 27 Jul 2008 11:27:00 GMT

Isabella Rossellini may be insane...

Or awesome. I just can't decide. She has written, directed, and starred in these odd short films, called Green Porno, about the sexual practices of different creatures. I found them at the Sundance Ch...
Posted by on Tue, 17 Jun 2008 10:19:00 GMT

Absinthe Joke (Only cute if you drink Absinthe)

This will only be funny to, like, three of my friends. Absinthism just isn't that popular these days. I have no idea why. Okay, maybe I have some idea. Shut up. I love my Absinthe. Signs Th...
Posted by on Mon, 26 May 2008 09:04:00 GMT

Bats in my Belfry

Okay, that's a lie, but it sounds better than the truth, which is that I have birds in my chimney.Wrens have built a nest inside the top of my chimney on a little ledge. A baby bird fell out of the ne...
Posted by on Fri, 16 May 2008 09:59:00 GMT