Creative and artistic people who like Matilda 'make one gasp and stretch ones eyes', Musicians of every ilk (except rappers who shout about bitches and ho's), buskers on street corners, hot buttered toast, children singing, babies laughing, handsome workmen with their tops off, Aston Martin DB9's, E-Type Jags, men in frocks, pink bubble cars, apple crumble with custard, comedy writer and actor Steve Edge, the etchings and strange interests of Mr Strawberry Watkins, baby oil, Mr M, my home-made chocolate cake, bosoms big enough to rest your head on, pink and white marshmallows, Daniel Craig coming out of the sea in those blue trunks, king-size memory foam mattresses, Tracey Emin, cup-cakes with hundreds and thousands sprinkled on top, toasted marmite soldiers, rock gods in tight trousers, Mark Bannerman, writing my blogs, reading stories aloud and doing all the voices, raspberries picked straight from the cane, licking the spoon, walking in bare feet on wet sand, sitting on a harbour wall watching the boats, walking the length of a pier and looking back at the land, Paul Barnes, eating chips out of paper on the sea-front, the smell that hits your nose when you open the door of a bakery, Shalimar perfume and body creme, Paul Biddle and his friend Count Muldivo
I love leaving footprints on frosty grass, the earthy smell just after a shower of rain in the summer, delphiniums and foxgloves, the smell of applewood on a fire, holding hands in the street, kissing so passionately your knickers explode, bald men, having my back scratched, scooping the soft centre out of a Tunnocks Tea Cake with my tongue, Miss Hope Springs, beautiful handmade jewellery, moonstones and silver, collecting Tarot Cards, wrapping up presents with bows and ribbons, smiling at complete strangers, talking to old ladies on buses, the smell of a freshly bathed and Johnsons Talcum Powdered baby, singing loudly in shops, my boys, the dawn chorus, bitter dark chocolate and crystallised ginger, gin and tonic, red wine, Glenmorangie single malt, tall dark men in kilts, Graeme Murray, cider, wooden sash windows, the green smell of freshly cut grass, crunching through autumn leaves, throwing pink blossom into the air like confetti, standing on the top of a hill on a warm summer evening and whipping my top off, watching the sun rise and set over the sea, lighthouses, castles, folk tales, fairy tales, myths and legends, old ladies that swear a lot and don't care who hears them, squashy cushions and crushed velvet, silk tassels, vanilla, sandalwood and patchouli, the excitement and anticipation you feel when you walk home with a new book you're dying to read, stroking the perfectly smooth pages of a book with the side of your hand, twanging elastic, writing letters on stiff cream coloured paper with a fountain pen, the ch-ching sound when new myspace mail arrives, the Witchmen Morris Dancers and many other things that I'll add as I think of them!
I'd like to meet:
Anyone FABULOUS, creative and funny who don't take themselves, and life in general too seriously. If you've ever felt the urge to shout 'bollocks' at an inappropriate time then you're the one for me!
Please feel free to drop by my Gazette any time, you'll always find a warm welcome along with my favourite things and my weekly blog 'Vexations and Vapours' which I'll post every Friday - Hurrah! Older scratchings from the Merryweather pen can be found in the blog archive above.
The English language has a vast array of long since forgotten words, that I think are simply wonderful, and through this feature I intend to try to re-introduce some of them back into Common Parlance. These are all real words and phrases that were in use 150 years ago that can be found in Anne Elizabeth Baker's 1854 Glossary of Northamptonshire Words and Phrases.
My Word or Phrase Of The Day today is 'HEARTSOME' which is a lovely word meaning lively, cheerful, merry, a bit like me really.
Over the past few weeks I've been familiarising you with members of the family and the staff that live and work for us here on the Merryweather Estate; and now it’s the turn of our hard working Chimney Sweep. This week has seen the first nip of winter in the air, and so before we lit the vast open fires here at Merryweather Towers we called on the services of Stackton Mullockby’s finest Chimney Sweep Mr Sidney Cobbledick. With the longest brushes in the County he’s certainly the man to call if your flue needs a good rodding.
The odd thing about Mr Cobbledick is that for a man that works in soot he’s obsessed with cleanliness; unlike other sweeps when he’s working indoors he insists on wearing a full set of lavender working overalls covered by a baby pink smock with lavender cuffs and matching belt and a dainty matching knotted handkerchief hat. This pretty outfit is saved solely for when he’s working by himself.
I’d never have known about it if I hadn’t popped my head round the door to see how he was getting on. I must admit I was rather surprised at his choice of work clothes but Mr Cobbledick explained that it helps to keep the soot off the antimacassars, which is so thoughtful, don’t you think? He said he always wears it when he’s flustering the pipe, which I think must be a chimney sweeps technical term.
Chimney sweeping is a pretty testing job, made even more so by that fool Lord Shaftesbury who in 1832 made the use of boys for sweeping chimneys illegal, I know have you ever heard such a thing, the little chaps in the orphanage were so disappointed. However not to be beaten Sidney spotted the loophole immediately; he decided to use girls instead! Sadly that little enterprise was stopped pretty soon; leaving him with the problem of how to clean the tall chimneys here at Merryweather Towers and Stackton Mullockby with 75 unemployed orphans. Fortunately for us the Cobbledick’s are a wily bunch and Sidney’s younger brother Cyril (pictured below) came up with a novel suggestion, why not pop a piglet up the flue?
He arrived at the Towers with a piglet under each arm then he tied a rope to the first ones tail and gave it a nudge with a brush and up the chimney it shot. It did appear to be a remarkably keen worker Cyril had clearly trained it well, though sadly he’d not bothered with housetraining the beast so soot was not all that rained down from the chimney; poor Sidney got an eyeful. Anyway after twenty minutes the string stopped moving and it all went very quiet, we were at a loss at what to do, until Cyril suggested lighting a fire. He figured that the smoke would drive the pig further up the shaft where he’d be able to pull it out of the chimney pot at the top, but he’d need someone to help. Obviously Sidney couldn’t, having temporarily lost the sight in one eye, and so we were at rather a loss as to who we could suggest, until dear Fanny came to the rescue and offered her services as retriever of the aforementioned porcine quadruped.
Before you could say smokey bacon she was up on the roof and with a cry of ‘Geronimo’ she cocked her leg over the top of the crenulated pot and disappeared down the shaft. Her rapid disappearance was closely followed by the sounds of frantic scuffles and squealing high up the chimney. The pig emerged several seconds later closely followed by a vast rumble of soot that spread out like a fog across the Axeminster.
This just left one very big problem what had happened to my dear cook? With great trepidation Mr M made his way to the open fireplace and poked his head up the chimney. I don’t know what he was expecting to find, but he needn’t have worried; as he looked up the shaft all he could see, through the tangle of lace petticoats, was Fanny. He put his hand up; gave her a tug and with a satisfied sigh and a final puff of soot out she popped. Unfortunately it was more than poor hygiene obsessed Mr Cobbledick (and my antimacassars) could endure; he was last seen running towards our Eastern Gatehouse his baby pink smock flying in the wind, trailing a soot blackened pig on a string behind him. I wonder if he’ll be coming back next week to do the rest of our chimneys?
Our dip into this week’s exotic post-bag begins with a rather interesting letter from my dear friend Gypsy who posted the following comment in a bulletin earlier this week:
Dear Madame M
I have another Artsy quote for you from the Indian Philosopher J. Krishnamurti:
"You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems, and suffer, and understand, for all that is life."
Regards
Gypsy
Well what an extraordinary thing to send, I offered the following reply:
Dear Gypsy
Thank you kindly for those wise words, I’ve been contemplating them for the last few days and, even though I’m a lady, I’ve decided to embrace their true meaning. I am indeed attempting to understand more about the goings on in the world outside the fragranced confines of Merryweather Towers; starting with my choice of reading material.
You’ll be happy to know that I’ve become a subscriber to "Which Hat?" monthly so as to be kept up to date with the latest trends across the globe. The singing and dancing are not a problem for me either; I am a gin drinker after all.
As for the suffering, well Gypsy you’ll be surprised to learn that I am no stranger to it. Last week we actually ran out of lemons; my gin and tonic was simply not the same, but I battled on regardless. We English are made of stern stuff.
OOoodles of Big Ones
Madame M
x
The next series of correspondence took place between Lord Shosti O’Kovitch and my good self, following the recent celebration of my oldest son Sheridan’s 18th Birthday.
Lady Shosti had taught me a rather wonderful new party trick at the Hunt Ball earlier this year and I’ve been practising it for months. I decided to send a photograph to demonstrate how her star pupil was progressing:
Dear Lord O’Kovitch
What do you think Shosti dear?
I appreciate that it's only two glasses, unlike Lady O’Kovitch’s legendary 8 place dinner service balance (with fruit bowl accompaniment) but it does liven up the proceedings don't you think?
OOoodles of Big Ones
Madame M
x
I received the following congratulatory reply by carrier pheasant (which Fanny shot by the way) it’s hanging in the pantry as I speak:
Well done Madame M
Though Lady S does the old magnum trick and through training at "Row the Boat Out School for Young Ladies", could pop the cork (if you get my drift?) The old sands of time and gravity have moved the ballast to the sides of the ship, it’s best not to stand starboard if she turns quickly, last time brought tears to my eyes.
Two champagne glasses looks fine to me, what; a schooner of sherry might be bothersome unless you are wearing a corset. Well I reckon Mr M is a lucky bugger if you pardon my French.
Bit of an update on Lady S’s frontage front, her corset's chappie has thought of a good wheeze, he's sent her to the armoury and got a tin vest that those chaps used to wear when going into battle with good King Hal, mind you her riding side saddle has done nothing for the poor horse.
She got me to have a codpiece with, would you believe, a lock and a damn pin number, maths was never my best subject, having trouble with rust at the moment if you catch my drift? If not ask Mr M, he'll understand, tell Mr M not to try it, chaffs the vitals when sitting down.
Must go, the French maid is going to try a tin opener.
All that
Shosti.
Such an action packed life dear Shosti leads, I sent the following reply:
Dear Lord O’Kovitch
I’m so pleased to hear that Lady Shosti is happy with her corset fitter, I believe he may have been inspired by Fanny who has all manner of armoured undergarments and leather items stored in her pantry alongside the man-sized rack she had built (for stretching game apparently).
As for Lady O’Kovitch forcing a piece of cod on you well all I can say is that I prefer smoked salmon. I understand from our staff that Skelper Rubbing-Pole and his wife Daphne (who run the Wounded Mermaid Fish Frying Emporium in Upper Dumpling) make an excellent fish and chip supper perhaps next time you have a fancy for fish you should try them. Alternatively why not pop over to Merryweather Towers and I’ll get Fanny to cook for you – her batter is the talk of Stackton Mullockby.
OOoodles of Big Ones
Madame M
x
P.S. A tin opener? Really? I thought the French were renowned for their fine cuisine, I’m sorry but resorting to canned comestibles simply won’t do. You’ll have to give her a stiff talking to my Lord.
My next dip into the post bag reveals a letter from Ms Shankly who must have got wind of my glass balancing trick as she wrote:
Dear Madame M
Oh YEAH! Happy Birthday son #1 ... I was wondering if that tray on your chest is detachable. I could really use a cup holder in that particular region ;) Hope you guys had a blast ... oh, I am sure you made it crazy cool fun!!
Shannon
xoxo
Such enthusiasm, it will come as no surprise to you that Ms Shankly is from the American Colonies! I wrote back immediately:
Dear Ms Shankly
Thank you so much for your bountiful birthday felicitations, Sheridan is most grateful. As to the tray on my chest well I suppose that in a way it is detachable as I’ve yet to see a permanent brassiere.
Might I suggest you try a Wonderbra my dear? That way you can carry a cup of coffee on one side, a plate of buttered muffins on the other and a rolled up copy of The Merryweather Gazette in the middle – breakfast in bed will never be the same again!
OOoodles of Big Balancing Ones
Madame M
x
Our final letter this week is a lovely enquiry from one of the newest subscribers to The Merryweather Gazette, Miss Michelle who wrote asking me the following question:
Good Afternoon Madame M.
That Marge! Six kids, PTA, Brownies, Carpool. How does she do it???
Sincerely
Michelle
It was a very easy question to answer:
Dear Michelle
I think we all know how she does it. Marjorie is a fine example to us all, a martyr even, to the cause of motherhood. She’s hard-working, diligent, caring, patient, thoughtful and dosed up to the eyeballs with Laudanum.
OOoodles of Big Ones
Madame M
x
Sadly that concludes the correspondence for this week, thank you all so much for your contributions, I've really enjoyed reading them. Please keep sending them in because without your efforts this column wouldn't be half as much fun.
Do you have any questions you'd like answered? Are there matters of etiquette or other problems you'd like me to offer my advice on? If so then kindly address your queries to "Ask Madame Merryweather" here at the Gazette and I will do my utmost to answer you. Please be assured that only comments will be considered for printing, your personal and private messages to me will be kept strictly confidential.
Each week I shall print my favourite correspondence from the "Ask Madame Merryweather" in-tray, the more bizarre the better as I enjoy a challenge. In the event that comments are bereft of effort or simply too dull to countenance I reserve the right to make them up, as all good editors do.
Welcome to my lovely Booze Inspired Column which begins, this week, with a quote from James Bond Writer Ian Fleming who opened his novel Goldfinger with the following:
"James Bond, with two double bourbons inside him, sat in the final departure lounge of Miami Airport and thought about life and death"
Well dear reader I can sympathise with Mr Bond completely, there’s nothing like a prolonged wait in a departure lounge to get the old grey cells working on things of great importance; I always worry that my hat boxes will be squashed in transit, which I’m sure you’ll all agree would be a tragedy.
To help allay my fears I like to partake of a comforting cocktail, when I asked Mr M for
"a sloe comfortable screw, please" he became most excited apparently it would entitle him to membership of some silly club which was a mile high. He was rather disappointed when I explained that what I wanted was a cocktail; I’m afraid his reply is unprintable.
Cocktails do have such odd names don’t they? Take the aforementioned "Sloe (or Slow) Comfortable Screw" for example. If you mix Vodka with Orange you have a drink known as a "Screwdriver". If you take the Screwdriver and add some Sloe gin you now have a "Slow Screw". Then mix in some Southern Comfort and you've got A Slow Comfortable Screw.
Now if you want to be really extravagant add some Galliano and your "Slow Comfortable Screw" is "Against the Wall." Isn’t that fascinating! However it’s a "Sloe Comfortable Screw" we're making today, for it you will need:
INGREDIENTS
1 part vodka
1 part sloe gin
1 part Southern Comfort
1 part orange juice
Shake them together, then strain into a cocktail glass filled with ice and drink.
Chin Chin Darlings!
Do you have a favourite gin recipe, cocktail or story that you'd like to share with other readers? Please forward them to me here at the Gazettes 'Gin Research Department'. Please write clearly as, for some reason, I have problems focussing whenever I visit this lively part of the building.
Thank you all so much for spending time with me here at the Merryweather Gazette. If you're not one of my friends yet then please Add Me, go on I won't bite, unless you really want me to!
Please feel free to write to me, here at The Gazette, or pop a comment in my box. Wise and witty correspondence is always appreciated and, indeed, encouraged. Please be warned that any inappropriate suggestions or lewd photographs will be laminated and attached to the lamp-posts, in Stackton Mullockby, for public ridicule.
Kindly address all items to Madame Merryweather and I'll do my utmost to reply to each and everyone of you. Mr M is preparing for the smooth delivery of your letters by oiling the hinges on my flap and the wheels of our delivery boy Walter Weatherall's bicycle to ensure his speedy return journey to the post-office with my replies.
Bon mots and thank you's must go to everyone who's encouraged and supported me in this brave venture, with special gratitude to young Mark from the Fife Home for Lost Boys. He is, as we speak, drawing bunnies and spirals on the walls of his carefully padded room ..... truly sir, I am not worthy.
So dear hearts, if you have a few spare minutes in your work heavy schedules take a break. Rip off your corsets, kick off your sling-backs and have some fun with me. If you're really good I'll break out the tea and biscuits. Hob-Nob anyone?
OOoodles of Big Ones
Madame Merryweather
x
As my page draws to a close I'd like to ask you all to please be upstanding for the National Anthem. Ladies and Gentleman I give you God Save The Queen - the good version - courtesy of Messrs. Jones, Matlock, Vicious, Rotten and Cook - who mean it man.
All Rise
Music:
My tastes are many and varied from Maria Callas to the Rolling Stones, Beatles, Bob Dylan, Joe Cocker, Janis Joplin, The Who, Prog Rock esp Genesis, Led Zep and Deep Purple, The Sex Pistols, The Church with their trippy guitar sound, The Pyschedelic Furs, The Velvet Underground. I also love Motorhead, AC/DC, Aerosmith, The Cult, Oasis, Stone Roses, Blur, The Jam, XTC, The Specials, David Bowie, The Smiths, The Pogues, and lots of other bands beginning with "The". Joan Armatrading, Millie Jackson - she's outrageous! The exquisite KD Lang, Michelle Shocked - I love those campfire tapes, Aretha Franklin, Kate Bush and just to be different I like Folk Music too!! Jethro Tull, Kate Rusby and Seth Lakeman are top of the pile ... the list goes on ... I like anything as long as it's good. When I hear someone singing or playing live I'm often moved to tears of joy.
Film scores are an overlooked genre I love John Williams, John Barry, David Arnold, and I think that pianist/composer Ty Jeffries is brilliant (he's in my favs list), when you've finished here pop round to his page and have a listen! I also adore any camp old nonsense from musicals especially from the big guns Judy Garland, Ethel Merman and Barbra Streisand. I love Richard O'Briens Rocky Horror Show, which makes me laugh and want to break out the PVC gear stuffed in my attic - that's not a euphemism!! I also have a confession I love the sound of bagpipes, they pull at something very deep and primitive within my soul, they stir my heart and the drone makes me feel a bit sexy too...is that wrong?
Movies:
I'm a Big fan of British Movies, comedies like the Full Monty, Brassed Off, Pat and Margaret, Four Weddings, Notting Hill, Wish You Were Here and Personal Services....in another life I'd love to be Cynthia Payne. My Favourite film of all is Bruce Robinson's brilliant Withnail and I. Spinal Tap is the dogs, a must for anyone who has been or is still involved in the music Business!!British Gangster films like The Long Good Friday, Sexy Beast, Lock Stock, Snatch and Layer Cake are superb. Pulp Fiction is fantastic, as is Reservoir Dogs, Tarantino's True Romance is also essential viewing!I'm keen on costume dramas like Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Becoming Jane, Remains of The Day, and anything Merchant Ivory - it's allowed I'm a girl!One of my all time fav British Films is "No Surrender" starring Bernard Hill, it's a gritty but funny movie about a disasterous night in a Liverpool nightclub, if you haven't seen it get it, it's brilliant!
I must also mention Nil By Mouth, Kathy Burkes performance is incredible, it will break your heart. Some Like It Hot is brilliant, if you're not in love with Marilyn by the end you're made of stone!"Snowcake" with Alan Rickman is simply exquisite very moving, poignant and ultimately uplifting. I loved it!My list wouldn't be complete without the Lord of The Rings Trilogy and the WONDERFUL Harry Potter films that we've enjoyed as a family, along with all of Tim Burtons films.Although I have a very special spot for Daniel Craig (he's my free pass) my all time favourite actor has to be Gene Wilder! It was 1971, I was 9 years old and when I saw him in Willy Wonka I fell head over heels in love with him! Young Frankenstein is, in my opinion, his best movie.
Television:
I really like British Comedy...The Office, Extras, in fact anything with Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant is a winner for me.I'm a huge fan of Rising Damp - 'my father died in that chair', Reggie Perrin 'sorry CJ', Porridge, The Good Life, The Two Ronnies, Morecambe and Wise, Spike Milligan, Sykes, Blackadder, Bottom, Gimme Gimme Gimme, Phoenix Nights, Father Ted, Men Behaving Badly, Black Books, Nathan Barley, Game On, QI, Red Dwarf, Dinner Ladies, The Worst Week of My Life, Saxondale, The IT Crowd, Perfect World (which should have been far more succesful than it was) and the BRILLIANT Hyperdrive! I adore AB FAB ... I always wanted to be Patsy, but realised a long time ago that, sadly, I'm Edina!! I love watching the History and Discovery Channels, and David Attenborough is superb.
My favourite TV programme is TOP GEAR I just can't get enough of the show. I've even made my own 'Cool Wall' in the pics section (sad but true!) I love Jeremy because he's funny, honest and soo un-PC, he's a total bloke, Richard because he's a fighty, spunky little chap who probably goes like a ferret and James because he's not only handsome he's a gentleman too, he reminds me so much of Mr Merryweather. I don't drive myself, I'd be a danger to other motorists with my daydreaming and drive by window shopping, so the idea of being driven by a gentleman appeals to me greatly, especially if he's driving an Aston Martin! The Stig is, of course, legend.
Books:
I love reading. From an early age books have provided me with a wonderful escape from the world and history books are a particular favourite of mine. I think that everything seems more relevant if you know who you are and where you came from. I also enjoy collecting comedy books and scripts - I have a stash of them in the smallest room and only stop reading when my legs go numb! I'm fond of Alan Bennett and Stephen Fry, they use words so beautifully, it's a treat! Robert Popper, who wrote the Timewaster Letters and Diary (as Robin Cooper) is also a joy. I read the Harry Potter books to my sons and got completely hooked, they are terrific fun! I also recommend "The Peculiar Memories of Thomas Penman" by Withnail and I author Bruce Robinson, based on his teenage years, it's moving, shocking and very funny. I also enjoy reading showbiz diaries and biogs, it's so interesting learning about the person behind the mask. Kenneth Williams Diaries are a scream.
Heroes:
I don't really have any heroes to speak of. I really admire funny women so Victoria Wood, Julie Walters, Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, Jo Brand, Miranda Heart, Christina Martin and Jo Caulfield have to have a mention! I do admire Jarvis Cocker for his stand against Michael Jackson at the Brit Awards, it was juvenile, ill thought out and very, very funny...Jarvis you gestured for the Nation and I will always love you for it! I love people who speak up when they see injustice or make a stand against petty bureaucracy, anyone prepared to 'Stick it to the man' will get my vote. Finally I cannot leave without mentioning Julian Clary for his brilliant (and almost career ending) comment about Fisting Politician Norman Lamont during a live TV broadcast of the 1993 British Comedy Awards, it was so naughty, he brought the house down!
