teague hayes - ProfilesArchive

About Me

i'm sort of a living homage to a ''history's greatest hits'' of cliches and sterotypes. (thirteen cliches and eight stereotypes to be exact.) i like to think of myself as a nice combination of intelligence and ignorance. which is to say i know alot of stuff... that i just kind of make up on my own. (see: my books preference.)i enjoy walks on the beach...candle lit dinners ...and those t-shirts with the geckos(just tons of geckos! do you remember those?! long before the geico revolution.) the geckos were in sunglasses? banging each other? or having intimate relations with each other in a bunch of different positions? ringing any bells? well who gives a shit? what are you?... writin' a fucking book already? ooohhhhh!!!!! did i forget to write : "read this as andrew dice clay."?----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------co me see me at the flea market on the 11th of october!---------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ --------also, i host this open mic right here...---------and co- host this karioke night here...

My Interests

totally way unique profiles. like this one...and yours, of course. trying to figure out a way to make a sarcastic button for my 'puter. or at least a smug blocker. starting fights between total strangers. getting people to quit reading or writing. or both!!

I'd like to meet:

people, or people who know people, that will give me money to perform totally way awsome stand up comedy in front of their crowds. or people, or people that know people, who can help me get my garden gnome chomsky factory up and running. it's a little garden gnome made to look like noam chomsky. you put him in your garden, there. and guess who's not sneaking around eating your carrots anymore...that's right...fascists!

Music:

my favorite record is "now that's what i call a straight up pile of contrived bullshit"--------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ --------and of course DON'T TELL POPE! check 'em out @ myspace.com/dtpkc

Movies:

3(the dale earnhardt story), fast and the furious 1&2, torque, biker boy(with a Z mutha!) boyz, the wraith, cannonball run(all of 'em), gumball rally, le mans, speed zone, weekend at roofies or ruffies (although i hate "rue fi" jokes), corvette summer, smokey and the bandit(bofum), eat my dust, grand theft auto, gone in 60 seconds(the original and the remake), thunder road, days of thunder, hooper, bullit, 2 lane black top, and beaches.oh! and these train wrecks are pretty cool..behind the shit

Add to My Profile | More VideosWatcha eating

|

Television:

bum hunt (i was on it once), ...where's this cheese from?!, celebrity rape race, the all too credible hulk, the crocodile humper, 700 club, buck rogers (but what exactly or rather whom), drunk swap, glory hole reunion, a shot at love with my formerly big fat obnoxious suvivor winning gay midget bachelor daddy but now i love my pimped and "swan"ed out dream fiance's apprentice of love... cribs

Books:

books are f^ing stupid things for stupid people. they curb the imagination. for instance; in only the time it took you to read this, you've missed out on countless space clown fantasies. now don't you feel like a douche nozzle? the only thing i read is what's written on buttons i have to push. like this submit button over here. oh, it says preview.

Heroes:

the good people over at prospero's books. because they burn books.

My Blog

space grooming

"so i was on the mir space station." "the mere space station?! that sounds pretty incredible to me." "it is incredible. that's just what it's called." "what?" "the mir space station." "they name...
Posted by teague hayes on Fri, 19 Sep 2008 11:20:00 PST

i got a nose ring!! and it’s awesome!!

it's got a fake booger on it. huh? huh? hilarious. you see it's all part of my booger empire. "is that a booger on your face?" "no it's not." "it's snot?"...
Posted by teague hayes on Fri, 19 Sep 2008 10:50:00 PST

fuhwah?

not "for what?"but " fa-breeze!"as in: "you put fabreeze on it? on it?... for what?""so it smells good.""for what?!...great! now it smells like someone took a dump in a garden.""yeah. that's what ...
Posted by teague hayes on Sat, 30 Aug 2008 11:45:00 PST

roadie: "no no, mr. springsteen. theyre not saying "boo". theyre saying "boo-urns".

bruce: but why would they make a simpson's reference at my show?so i totally went to see the boss last night and it was as cool as one would expect. and i do mean for that to apply to those who like...
Posted by teague hayes on Mon, 25 Aug 2008 02:38:00 PST

so im like, then shes all, and i go

f to the what the? is this just the way people are going to talk now?so she's like "whatever!"and i'm all "puh-leeze!"then she goes-wait wait what? she goes? where does she go? she just got up and...
Posted by teague hayes on Sun, 02 Mar 2008 01:08:00 PST

dolphins

now therrrre's your money mammal. they can ATTACK sharks. or sometimes... they'll bunch up so that they look like one giant dolphin and scare the shark off. it's like a voltron with no follow throug...
Posted by teague hayes on Thu, 31 Jan 2008 03:12:00 PST

gay blogs

for instance: my last blog. that was gay. that was soooo gay. so totally wayyyyyy gay. how gay was it? it was so gay that you could get second hand cock smoke just from reading it.p.s. by gay i ...
Posted by teague hayes on Mon, 14 Jan 2008 11:26:00 PST

thomasena armstrong

she is my girlfriend. yes, that's her at the top of my friends list. the one holding the dog's head as her girlfriend tries to tongue it. i believe they were under age at the time... so... really w...
Posted by teague hayes on Sun, 06 Jan 2008 06:40:00 PST

when are they gonna have "spam" itself as a blogging category option?

cuz have i got a deal for you?!?! but seriously if you have any sweet ass deals on ringtones or whatever fucked up shit you think i might be into, be it going to college or finding out who has a crush...
Posted by teague hayes on Fri, 04 Jan 2008 11:49:00 PST

booger porn?

so i walked in on my friend the other day and he was reading some booger porn. or what appeared to be booger porn.i asks him "hey, is that booger porn?"he says "no. it's snot.""oh it's not porn?""ye...
Posted by teague hayes on Wed, 28 Nov 2007 02:33:00 PST