Cartoons, Driving no where in particular, Action figures, Horror Stuffs, people who think for themselves, tattoos, biting, comic books, mayhem, my own controlled chaos, staring at stars, pretending to control the weather, getting girls to take pictures with fuzzy little things..take that any way you like, Anime, up close magic, movies, teaching my nephew to make moose noises, good new music, a really good kisser
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Dorky people who go out into the world to have dorky adventures...cute girls who stay up late and say random hysterical things. Women are my ruin. Yes mellow dramatic but also true. I used to say I wanted a girl like Clementine from Eternal Sunshine until a met a couple and ran for my fucking life. Now I just want someone to OD on movies and cartoons with and one day, maybe a Great Expectations/ Amelie/ Say Anything sort of situation.
CLICK HERE for my list of the best and worst horror films of 2007 on Dreadcentral.com
And now...your 15 second movie reviews...
The Incredible Hulk:: Marvel says they are sorry for the old chubby Hulk and makes a list of everything you wanted to see in a Hulk movie, then dumped it into this one. Tons of geek nods, top notch acting, the perfect ratio of hulking out to Banner drama and super cute Liv, who I am biased about because she flirted with me. I'll own it.
The Happening:: I will save you some time. The twist is that they made a fucking movie about people RUNNING FROM THE WIND!!!! They also made a movie that turns good actors bad. There you go. 10 second review.
Kung Fu Panda:: Anyone who complains Jack Black is a little too fucking much in movies will be able to handle the goofy cartoony panda version of him. Funny, action packed and eternally dorky cartoons are my favorite flavor. Take your friend's kids or say screw it and take a date! BEWARE the Wooshi finger hold!!!
The Strangers:: Someone got it right. You set a tone, insert sudden jolts of action, sound and music and watch the audience fly out of their seats. Be prepared for the first movie in a long time where THE JUMP SCARES WORK!!! Effective creep fests make me damn proud. Go see it!
Sex and the City:: Somewhere in hell there is a room where they will show this movie with 200 deleted scenes re-attached like some glorious female empowered lord of the rings with fashion junkie tendencies. I have lived through a similar horror. I have seen the boobies. They did not ease the pain...but fans might like it.
The Fall:: A super sweet film about a little Spanish girl befriending a suicidal American stuntman who tells her a story of heroes out to settle a score with some evil guy. It's funny and sad and beautiful to watch, as you'd expect from the guy who made "The Cell." Do your best to find this playing near you!
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull:: Indy teams up with a greaser named Mutt and the girl from the first movie to find and return a crystal skull with brain fucking powers, back to it's original home...but the Russkies want it too! REALLY wanted to love this one but while funny and fun at times, it's just missing something. You'll see it anyways.
Narnia 2: Prince Caspian:: Chello..my name is Prince Caspian. Pepare to die. Bad acting + minotaurs, satyrs, dwarves, centaurs, griffens and a whole zoo's worth of animals....all doing mostly nothing for an entire movie. Didn't we do this the first time? Lame part 2.
Speed Racer:: More colors and flashing lights than that acid trip you had when you were tied to a chair in Teletubbies land and they threw Oompa Loompas at your head. This movie has a lot of heart and keeps you locked in, making the 2+ hours fly by. Sad that 5 seconds of film stop it from being kid safe!! VERY dumb move.
The Cottage:: Three fairly inept Brits kidnap the daughter of a mob boss and stumble around as we, the audience, wait for the starter gun to sound, turning this into a 200 mile an hour horror masterpiece. Fun, funny, bloody and packed with some original kills..all my favorite flavors!
Iron Man:: Get ready for full body geek-gasm!!! The Iron Man movie is a marvel zombie's wet dream, packed with nods to future story lines, marvel universe references and a post credit surprise that is almost better than the whole fucking movie. The most perfect comic film ever made. No lie.
88 Minutes:: When I get older, I want hair like Al Pacino which feeds off the hearts of orphan children. Not so cleaver little murder mystery with an annoying killer stalking Pacino who doesn't seem to give a shit. The awkwardness also might make this the funniest film of the year. Not intentionally, natch.
Prom Night:: Explain a horror film to me that makes you feel sorry for an emo pedephilic male killer? Bad acting, bad story telling, bad directing, no tension, no scares among 15 jump attempts, not a fucking DROP of blood spilled on the floor when he goes all stabby..and not one reason to see this film!
Doomsday:: Escape from New York meets Mad Max. The world is on the brink of destruction from a virus and only a survivor from the forbidden zone holds the cure. Enter hot kung fu turbo chick and her team who battle killer cannibal punks and ...medieval knights? Odd...but fun.
The Ruins:: Good looking kids wander into the jungle in search of a temple tourists don't visit...BECAUSE IT EATS PEOPLE!!! OK it doesn't eat people but something in the temple does and the natives make sure the kids don't take it back into the world with them. Fucking TENSE movie that will keep your heart racing!
Run Fat Boy Run:: Simon Pegg makes a ginormous leap, playing a poor slacker shlub who isn't so smooth with the ladies but still tends to get the girl. QUITE THE STRETCH! At any rate, funny as fuck in all the wrong ways of course. See it right quick if you can find it playing near you!
Horton Heres a Who:: Big fat psycho elephant travels across the jungle to deliver a microscopic world to a safer location. Trippy, action packed and oddly funny, and not in a totally kiddy way! There's even a moment when the film turns Anime on ya!! This is pixar written by dorks. Yay.
In Bruges:: All women need to know is Colin Farrell speaks in a thick Irish accent. All men need to know is he has zero impulse control and is a hit man. Guns, accents and 100 pounds of sarcasm make for quality family fun. The perfect date movie!!
Rambo:: The malicious mumbler is back, this time as an introspective, tormented man who can't stand to see more helpless people die. Hey wait! That's what the character was supposed to be in the first place!! Amazingly, Rambo kicks mighty ass and is shockingly gory at the same time. Yay for me...and flying body parts.
No Country for Old Men:: Let's begin by renaming this "No Time for Old Texans a'talkin'. If you enjoy uncomfortable silences, awkward glances, useless characters and "quaint" country conversations, than this movie, chock full o southern folksyness, is for you. Not for me. For you.
Cloverfield:: Eye candy galore wrapped around a human story of friends and love. Watch American military forces go head to head with a Godzillatastic giant baddie. It's Signs with a better pay off and more logic and Shaun of the Dead with monsters replacing the zed word. It kicks mighty ass!! Instant cult classic.
Aliens Vs Predator 2:: OK. When you go to sleep after your night of drinking thunderbird with classy friends, awaken the next morning and stand straight up, flinging the curtains wide and stare directly into the sun. As soon as your eyes water, rub them, pressing down until you see patterns and then shake your head in a circular motion so the world in front of you is blurry and spotted. You have just seen AVP 2. Thank you.
The Bucket List:: This is not the story of two old codgers hamming it up like grumpiest old men 2: electric boogaloo. Everything I loved about Jack Nicholson in "As Good as it Gets" is here, tempered by the good natured character of Morgan Freeman. AMAZING acting from both guys and though it hit a little close to home, you won't be able to not love this film. This is not an old people movie!!
Paranormal Activity:: I'd always asked the question...with a nation of people spoiled by modern special effects and cgi buggery, could a very low tech ghost story relying on tension, light and sound scare the bejezus out of you? The answer is HELL YES..so let's hope you get to see this instant sleeper in the next year.
The Mist:: Intense, creepy and very real while at the same time, ultra fantastical. This is as much a tale of the human animal turning on itself as it is about monsters unleashed on a sleepy little town. This is the horror movie you need to run out and see.
The Orphanage:: Ok i'm on a gush roll, but this movie is the scariest ghost story since the changeling. I took a girl with me who is the most hard core horror fan i know and in the middle of times square, she was still creeped the fuck out. Amazing stuff!! Let's hope it gets a wide release.
Postal:: Mark this date on your calendar because you'll always remember this as the day Paul nomad said these words. Uwe Boll is a comic genius. YEA! I'm shocked too!! It's the funniest movie I've seen all damn year. Unfortunately the MPAA is going to hack it to bits, so let's see what scraps they leave behind for you to enjoy. Good luck man!!!!
...More reviews up in the blog!
Soul Coughing, Mike Doughty, Tricky, Massive Attack, Bjork, Fear, Anti Nowhere League, Descendants, Fugazi, Minor Threat, L7, Quicksand, Suicidal Tendencies, Motley Crue, Alkaline Trio, Ignite, Superchunk, Weezer, H2O, Ramones, Op Ivy, Wutang, The Dickies, SamIAm, Iron Maiden, Portishead, The Pillows, Violent Femmes, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Silver Sun Pickups, Anita Baker, Social Distortion, Rancid, GWAR, Turbo Negro, The Strokes, Miranda Sex Garden, PJ Harvey, H2O, The Muffs, Tom Waits (in small doses), Queen, Johnny Cash, Skinny Puppy, Ministry, Bush, Red Jumpsuit Aparatus, Jane's Addiction
Mirror Mask, Devil's Rejects, Sunshine, Shaun of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead (new and old), Demon Knight, Princess Bride, Labyrinth, Lake Placid, Slither, Shaolin Soccer, Serenity, Star Wars (original trilogy), Lord of the Rings, Transformers the (animated) movie, The Fog, Nightmare on Elm Street, Silent Hill, Snakes on a Plane, Akira, Deep Rising, Surfs Up, Shrek 2, Die Hard Series, 28 Days Later, more when i get a chance
Firefly, Buffy, Angel, Scrubs, Lost when it makes sense, Law and Order, FLCL, Paranoia Agent, The Daily Show, The Soup, Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, Jimmy Neutron when he's funny, Family Guy, South Park when they aren't trying to teach me something, Justice League Unlimited, Avatar, The Deadliest Catch, stuff on Discovery
The Talisman, The Great and Secret Show, The God Game, A Malady of Magics, The Stand, It, Preacher, The Walking Dead, The Dark Knight Returns, New Mutants, Astonishing X-Men, New Avengers before they messed up my team, The Floating Classroom, Sullengrey, Army of Darkness, Marvel Zombies, She Hulk, Buffy Season 8
The Guy that invented Slurpees, My Mom, Albert Einstein, Teachers who give a crap