We are the Joans. The first band to give Joan Crawford the rock and roll voice she deserves! The mission of The Joans is simple; give legendary Hollywood star, Joan Crawford, the rock and roll voice she deserves! The Joans want to make others aware of the groundbreaking over the top persona that was and is Joan Crawford by embodying her unique spirit through a musical recipe of one part new wave pop, a dash of garage rock, a generous helping of camp, and a pinch of theatrics topped off with original songs. Served hot, it pleases any crowd hungry for something out of the ordinary.
There's so much more to Joan than Mommie Dearest. Funny, yes, truthful, no.
Performing Do The Trog at The Red Line Tap 11/09/07
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Hiring The Joans
The following items are to be in the suite prior to The Joans arrival:
1. Cracked ice in buckets - several buckets
2. Lunch and dinner menus.
3. Pen and pencils and pads of paper.
4. Professional-size hair dryer.
5. Steam iron and board.
6. One carton of Alpine cigarettes.
7. One bowl of peppermint Life-Savers.
8. Red and yellow roses.
9. Case of diet Pepsi-Cola, ginger ale, soda and chocolate donuts.
There is to be a maid not weighing more then 125lbs. on hand in the suite when The Joans arrive at their hotel. She is to stand by until one of The Joans dismisses her.
The following liquor is to be in the suite when The Joans arrives:
1. Two fifths of 100-proof Smirnoff vodka. (Note: This is not 80-proof and it is only Smirnoff.)
2. One fifth Old Forester bourbon.
3. One fifth Chivas Regal Scotch.
4. One fifth Beefeater gin.
5. Two bottles Moët & Chandon champagne (Type : Dom Perignon).
6. 6 pack of Red Label beer (canned) for Carol Ann
The Joans will be met in an air-conditioned, chauffeur-driven, newly cleaned Cadillac limousine. Instruct your chauffeurs that they are not to smoke and that they may not at any time drive below 40 miles an hour with The Joans in the car. The chauffer should be handsome, fit and ready for action at any of The Joans biddings.
The Joans will be carrying a minimum of 15 pieces of luggage. Along with the limousine you will meet Miss Crawford's plane with a closed van for the luggage. Have with you a luggage handler who can accompany the van back to the hotel. It will be his task to take an inventory of the luggage as it comes off the plane and into the van, and as it is being brought into The Joans suite... Every precaution should be taken to assure that none of the luggage is misplaced. Fifteen pieces is the estimated minimum. There may be considerably more...
The Joans are stars in every sense of the word, and everyone knows they are stars. As a partner in this project, The Joans will not appreciate your throwing away money on empty gestures. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MAKE EMPTY GESTURES TO PROVE TO THE JOANS OR ANYONE ELSE THAT THEY ARE STARS OF THE FIRST MAGNITUDE."
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