SEAN MCCARTHY
THE BIGFOOT EXPERT
Hey, Sean McCarthy here.
I am a Capricorn who enjoys long strolls in the jungle and promotes the use of marijuana to obtain a shiny, rejuvenated, sweet hawk! I have lived and worked in various places where Bigfoot has been spotted, and I currently reside in New York, though I do a lot of traveling. I'm carrying a knife and handgun right now. That's how I roll. I am the Bigfoot Expert, a proud Bigfoot historian and creater of the hit boardgame
"Where's BIGFOOT?"
(Where's BIGFOOT?©2006 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED)
You probably own a set. Anyway, it all began in my childhood when I joined the Boy Scouts. The various activities in the woods, the camping out, the smores, peeing on fires, it all peaked my interest in exploring the uncharted territories of the creatures that reside within. And why not go for the most notorious of them all . . . BIGFOOT.
In 2nd grade, I began the L.H.B.C. (Little Hunters Bigfoot Club). Overall just a really phenomenal experience. Throughout the years, my knowledge and expertise began to grow as my research went more in depth. I studied with Bigfoot research pioneers and scientists, recorded every sighting and gathered data and evidence from each location.
Finally, my search for the giant wonder culminated into a scuffle between myself and the creature. I escaped alive and intact, but stripped of my dignity. Not only had I suffered various severe injuries, but no one believed my reasoning for the cause.
Though my quest for proof of his existence has always been guided by passion and desire, it was now additionally fueled by a score that had to be settled. I was determined to capture the God of the jungle and show the world that he exists!
But recently, after the accidental and unfortunate death of a poor, innocent deer, which I have subsequently named "Lucky," I decided against the killing of Bigfoot. Instead, I will continue my pursuits for him, but only to further my expertise.
FAQ
1. I think you are a douchebag. Do you concur?
No, no I do not. This is serious scientific research which could further our knowledge of this bipedal hairy humanoid. Don't belittle that, man!
2. Have you ever touched a woman? (Your mom doesn't count)
Um, yea, I have. And that girl, she loved every second of it. I showed her my collection of Bigfoot figurines and newspaper clippings. It was really romantic, and I could tell she was impressed. She even excused herself in the middle of it to make a call. Probably wanted to brag to her friends about me. Ya know when you just feel like you made a connection with someone? Well, we definitely did. She'll call me. You'll see.
3. Are you currently on medication?
No. Why do I keep getting this one?
4. Have you had sex with a monkey?
Not unless your mom counts, hahaha...I'm sorry. That was just wildly inappropriate on my part. Completely uncalled for...
5. You're my hero. Will you marry me?
I apologize, but I will not exchange vows until Sasquatches may take part in legally recognized unions as well, but I'm flattered.
6. Have you investigated Yita from the myspace movie film yet? Something just isnt right there..hmmm
When it comes to Bigfoot, I know all dude. I'm the frickin Yoda of Bigfoots . . . or, um, frickin Yoda of Bigfoots I am. Something like that . . . In answer to your question, she is of no relation to the actual Bigfoot. Just a sad wannabe.
7. If they are out there, they should not be hunted. No endangered species should be hunted. I don't know if this web site is promoting shooting Bigfoot, but it just kinda seems that way. But if it's not, then it's cool.
I am hunting Bigfoot, but don't worry. I'm a vegetarian, so I won't eat him . . . unless of course I happen to have a nice Chianti on me, which, in that case, means I'd have no choice.
8. So we share the same name. Has anyone ever called you "Seen"? Those people make me want to punch them in the face.
Actually Sean, most people just call me crazy. I think I'd take "Seen" over "crazy."
9. Of all the BigFeet on your top 100, which one's the real one?
I'm currently investigating that question, which happens to be an excellent one. Seeing as I am an expert, I'm going to make an educated guess . . . and go with Gay Bigfoot. Of course that has yet to be confirmed . . .
10. We heard Bigfoot has twenty pounds of hanging meat! Is that true? xoxo
Twenty pounds of meat? Try thirty-five pounds! Oh, wait, I just realized you were talking about Bigfoot, not me. Yes, twenty pounds is correct.
11. Sean you're the shit. Every day that I get on myspace I get a damn good laugh. Especially about the whole general ZOD deal. Have you ever considered coming to Arkansas and looking for the Fouke Monster?
I have been to Ozark Hills and explored the territory of Boggy Creek. I found a trail of dead chickens, all the while being exposed to one of the worst scents I've ever smelled. And that's coming from a guy whose old roommate had an odd infatuation with canned beans. I collected some very convincing data and have considered returning in the near future.
12. Is Bill Murray your dad? You look kinda like him. If they redo Ghostbusters or anything I think you're a shoe in for the job.
Bill Murray may be my dad. He was my milkman before he was famous, so it's definitely possible. Don't forget to subscribe to my blog to stay updated on the latest DNA results . . .
13. Is Chewbacca a member of the Sasquatch/Yeti family? I always wondered and you're supposed to be like--the expert so I thought I'd ask...
Chewbacca is a member of the Bigfoot family. You see, the Bigfoot, or the Sasquatch, is spotted mainly in the United States, and most commonly in northern California. The Yeti, also technically a Bigfoot, is found in the Himalayas. Chewbacca is a Wookiee, a hairy biped which is a species of Bigfoot. Barfolomew, of Spaceballs fame, is also a Wookiee. Known to be slightly more intelligent than the average Sasquatch, Wookiees live solely in outer space, though a Wookiee made a guest appearance at the 1997 MTV Movie Awards, as well as a Red Sox/Blue Jays game on September 29th, 2005. He threw the first pitch. Multi-talented.
14. Is the plural of Bigfoot, Bigfeet?
There is some debate over pluralizing. Some argue that Bigfoot is like "deer." Deer can mean a single deer, or it can mean many deer. Others prefer Bigfeet to represent multiple Bigfoot. Some even say Bigfoots. Thanks to my good myspace buddy, Ruby, I am officially announcing that Bigfeeten may be used as well . . . kind of like oxen. I suppose it's all a matter of preference . . .
15. What will we do when we find him??
I shall sacrifice myself to find out, with absolute certainty, how they reproduce . . .
16. OK so when is mating season for Bigfoot?? It's goin' on now, isnt it?? And are they territorial when in rut?? Man, I'm glad I dont live in the woods. Bigfoot stinks to high heaven!!
Mating season takes place both in the fall and spring. You see, being that large, they shoot a huge load. After that, they need the winter to recuperate and regain their strength. By spring, they're good to go, but again, must take the summer's off and "refill the tank," so to speak. Being a very private creature, they can get exceptionally irritable at all times, whether during mating season or not. Overall, it is best to not approach a Bigfoot if spotted. It is, in fact, true that they have a terrible odor, but more importantly, they can be extremely dangerous if not handled by a professional expert, such as myself. Should you see one, comment me immediately.
17. I hear that Bigfoot smells just like Paris Hilton's vagina. Is that true?
Rephrase. Paris Hilton's vagina smells just like Bigfoot . . . but it smelled like me first . . .
18. They somehow got Bigfoot to make an appearance in that Tenacious D movie. Is the hairy one selling out? I guess everyone has a price I cant say I blame him.
Funny thing is, I received a letter from the particular Sasquatch that makes a cameo in the Tenacious D film. His name is Merve (pronounced "Steve" . . . don't ask) Anyway, he looked to me for advice. I informed him, based on my vast experience and recent celebrity status, that Hollywood can be a cruel place. They can chew you up and spit you out faster than you can say "halitosis." Of course, chewing up and spitting out a Bigfoot could prove to be a difficult task, but I digress. Bottom line is, I wished him luck. How many humans have tried to make money off of the big guy's image without his permission? Isn't it time he made some money for himself?
Keep sending your questions my way. I'll be happy to answer them
I SEE YOU, YOU HOTSHIT! CLICK TO ZOOM IN ON MY SEXY ASS MAP.
