Andre the BFG profile picture

Andre the BFG

I am the French Oscar Wilde n bootylicious with it

About Me


I'm back, after a bit of shock and awe delivered by my editor with the aid of a blast of Sellafield shrapnel. Apparently Andre was a bit too "in yer face" whatever the fuck heck that means, and Andre has had to tone it down a bit or else piss off to LiveJournal where they go to art college and listen to James Blunt and stuff like that. A fate worse than deaf.

Some people were asking me what "BFG" stands for. Well you got to guess. Its a cross between something by Roald Dhal and something out of Quake. The "B" is from both, the "F" comes from Quake, and the "G" comes from Dhal.

Andre's Blog Archive

Andre's Blog Archive

Andre's Profile Page
Andre's Adventures in MySpace: Vol 1 (Blogs 1 to 50 raked into one steaming pile and sprayed with selected comments)
Andre's Adventures in MySpace: Vol 2 (Blogs 51 to 100 (or so) bulldozed into one foetid pit and disguised with chocolate sprinkles)
Andre's Adventures in MySpace: Vol 3 (Blogs 101 to 150 (or so) puked as a technicolor lump on the pavement and autographed by Tracey Emin)
Andre the BFG's email address is ermingiant AT yahoo.com, if you feel like saying hello and you're not on MySpace or Facebook or Bebo or *add latest crappy social networking site here*
Aye well, here's the links to the individual blogs then. Don't way I didn't warn you ...
221 5 tunes to hum while running a half-marathon
220 Motorists who don’t bother to indicate at roundabouts
219 Is Tibet the Cumbria of China?
218 Hillary’s bad clothes
217 The selfish bladder
216 True scientific facts about other nations - Canada
215 True scientific facts about other nations - New Zealand
214 Gan tit pikchas 2
213 Anal warbling
212 Pieces of me
211 Beware! The drummer cometh
210 Crap music playing in shops
209 10 ways to make friends at your new office
208 Retrieved Reconstituted Crap No 5
207 My son is Gay?
206 Facebook hath feet of clay, saith the Idler
205 Andres predictions for 2008
204 Pratacy on the High Seas
203 The Alexandria Quartet
202 Flashman and the Grim Reaper
201 Once there were BFGs
200 Cadbury Crumbles
199 10 reasons why Fabio Capello is the right man for England
198 US civilization to implode - November 4 2008
197 PFI Friday
196 The tale of Jolly Judd
195 Ecological disaster in the sea
194 Another load of old blog
193 Andres Adventures in MySpace Volume 2
192 Socially-inappropriate word of the day: "Puma"
191 Remember the Belgrano?
190 Ten Top Travel Tips
189 Give the Nobel Peace Prize to Zappa!
188 Wikipedians: may all your parents be childless
187 The Iron Diner
186 An American wolf in London
185 Doesnt God emit greenhouse gases?
184 The rise and fall of the working-class fish
183 Captain Oates returns
182 Retrieved Reconstituted Crap No 4
181 I’ve never tossed a dwarf
180 Sub-randomism
179 Silence of the lads
178 Fear of the guitar solo
177 Her indoors
176 Never mind the top-bollocks
175 The meaning of tits
174 The trouble with Scotland ... Part 1
173 Brown-nosing
172 Blogger laureate to be appointed
171 Cheney to mastermind invasion of Iran - Reuters
170 Gender and Mortality
169 Bretons hate Britons
168 Warning to subscribers
167 Tossing on the helpless sea
166 My brother Esau is an hairy man ...
165 You got PAID for that?
164 Love thy neighbour. Or else.
163 Idyllic Lakeland
162 The Talismanic Badger
161 Guilty Pleasures
160 Socially-inappropriate word of the day: "Gunt"
159 More fanny-fun
158 Verbal irritation as a cross-generational weapon
157 From under a blanket, darkly
156 Rain rant
155 What will humans evolve into?
154 Doors to manual
153 Why do Americans think everyone hates them?
152 Red Dwarf: the BFG episode
151 Happiness is a cold bum
150 BFG and the art of garden maintenance
149 A political scrotum unwashed for 300 years
148 Andre in print (sort of)
147 Personal Hygiene
146 Science Friction 3
145 Miss Pooter
144 Retrieved reconstituted crap: No.5
143 Dressed to kilt
142 10 facts about masturbation
141 10 signs that you added the wrong myspace friend
140 Poetry Corner: St Patricks Day
139 Retreived reconstituted crap no.3
138 International Lasses Day today!
137 Q sucks rock's cock
136 Did you know...
135 Things I hate: No 42568745 - Lasses who give me a hard time for leaving the toilet seat up
134 God-botherers
133 Science Friction: No.3
132 A Brampton Rake's Progress
131 Readers Top Tips
130 Hot pussy action
129 Valentines day tips
128 The 2007 Valentines Day rant
127 Government Auction
126 Science Friction II
125 Poetry Corner: Anna Nicole Smith
124 Ramblin on
123 Science Friction: an occasional series
122 Greatest Rockers - 9: Meatloaf
121 Warehouse Clearance Sale
120 Things I hate
119 Greatest rockers No.8 - Johnny Hallyday
118 Gardener's Question Time
117 Andre eats cake
116 Bad language
115 A voice blogging in the wilderness
114 Greatest Rock Vocalists- No.7: Cliff Richard
113 Musical Interlude
112 A Cumbrian Christmas Carol
111 Greatest Rock Vocalists No 6: Courtney Love
110 Spam should stay in the can
109 Ban Ki Moon replaces Kofi Annan
108 Retrieved Reconstituted Crap No.2
107 Scotland should control seabed, says Shetland MSP
106 Greatest rock vocalists No 5: Gwen Stefani
105 Retrieved reconstituted crap
104 Antiuniversitarianism
103 Sympathy for the devil
102 Bramptonanism
101 Celebrity knockers
100 On the half-life of power sources
099 He took his vorpal blog in hand ...
098 Female pudenda
097 British women beat French on glamour?
096 Greatest Rock Vocalists - No 4: Julian Casablancas
095 When in Bavaria, do as the Pope does
094 Andre the BFG denies having sex with Foley
093 Why not put all the Labour malcontents in the Millennium Dome and tow it to Iraq?
092 "Priest denies having sex". Does the pope shit in the woods?
091 Greatest Rockers. No 3: Kofi Annan
090 Greatest Rockers. No 2: Matt Bellamy
089 Sex, rugs, and cock'n'bull
088 Greatest Rockers. No 1: Robert Plant
087 Another boring bleedin' MysPace bleedin' questionnaire
086 How the missionary position was invented
085 Fecal explorers
084 A dissertation on modern art
083 Luverly Laydeez
082 I have seen the future and it has a nice bum
081 Gastronomy dominie
080 Mutants among us
079 Poetry Corner
078 Changing places on MySpaces
077 God's own tree-cunt
076 Smouldering gusset method man
075 Touchy-feely statesmanship
074 BBC English
073 Tiresome and then some
072 Cyberhouse Rules
071 I just love doing exams, me
070 Unsustainable blogging is depleting the world's attention-span
069 Stop Children
068 Twice round the page and pointed at both ends
067 Wither S C R O T U M?
066 MySpace is now officially bigger than France
065 I flunked Capitalism
064 What's in a name (2) - Tony Blair
063 Giz a snog, well
062 I blogged your mom heheh
061 Wikifascists
060 Most famous Cumbrians - Part 1
059 Blogodiversity and the Michelin Mac
058 Whats in a name - GEORGE W BUSH
057 Fangs, gore, and bladder-loosening fear
056 Profile or reality?
055 On the sanctity of cereals
054 The reeyan in Speeyan faals meeyanly an the pleeyan
053 Internet beauty spots
052 School safe-sex policy
051 Fussball
050 Tantric blogging
049 10 little-known facts about Brampton
048 Do dickheads dream of daft tups?
047 Keeganism
046 The role of the thespians entrance
045 Pro Scrotum Bonorum
044 Totally negative blog whinge
043 Non-blog
042 Still life with sock
041 Teachers dress code
040 Solicitors
039 Blog-blagging
038 A fuckwits guide to parenting
037 The Bombadillion
036 Booty pump
035 Threats to the human race
034 A Doric column
033 Up Hadrian
032 Do not adjust your sex
031 Acts of tosserism
030 And God Sneezed
029 Far horizons
028 Time to Retire
027 Overhung
026 Kylie Mole's Dairy
025 Connolly kwits
024 Birthdays celebrations tonite
023 Scran
022 Special English
021 Nowt much
020 Brampton's Most Famous Tourist Traps
019 Boned again for sure
018 Faith shattered
017 Jimmy Page comes home
016 Maff blogs
015 Family trees
014 On swearing, war, and skiving
012 Brampton nudist beach
011 Fathers day
010 But I like blank subject lines
009 Skateboarding dog
008 Obscure propaganda
007 Lipstick biters
006 Erming Complaints
005 Arsehole Soup
004 Rottweilers
003 Interview with a van-pyromaniac
002 Motor Coordination
001 A day in the life of Andre the BFG

Anyway, you wanted to know about me?

Some people got "Kalvin Kline". But not me. "Abandon hope all ye who enter here" it says on the waistband of my shreddies, and I'm never going to forgive my mam for sewing that on. But apart from that I don't have any problems with life and I get on just fine with everyone. I blether on a bit sometimes, but its all true and if people don't like to hear the truth then there's no place in this world for people like Rupert Murdoch, who is bringing you this finely fucking tuned networking machine called MySpace.com - just catching us all at the right time to turn us into Fox consumer machines. I'm not fooled though. I've eaten all the foxes round here. Who cares anyway?

My Interests

I'm very interested in talking complete bollocks, but I don't think I'm going to make a living out of it. Like, I'm not going to give up the day job which is fitting the arseholes on hamsters in the Rodentwerke factory at Schweinhausen (Whitehaven). My mama told me, whoa yeah, she dun gone and told me, that if I didn't like it, I could just stick it where the sun don't shine. For most of my life I've been doing that to anything I didn't like, and that is why I'm so big. And why I can't sit down. But people they listen to me, and nobody has told me to shut up so they must like what I'm saying. Some people take a real shine to bollocks. Erm. Where was I?

I'd like to meet:

Someone who doesn't sound like they are sucking on a gobful of marbles... And don't just go asking to be my friend. I don't add anyone who isn't bigger than me. Or cleverer. Which doesn't leave many others apart from other BFGs called André

Andre the BFG's Heroes
Andre has 9 heroes.

Jesus

Just a Handful

RRRRRapid debigulation

Bald Scottish Comedian

Writing Next Chapter

The Toast in the Machine

Mr Simon Mason

Wes

God

Come on in
Set gob

Music:

Anything by Napalm Death, or Borderline Boilers, or erm S C R O T U M , or the Arse Bandits. And anything that hasn't been played by Chris Moyles. Now there's someone that I'd like to stick where the sun don't shine, but the little sucker runs too fast for me to catch him.

Movies:

Anything with me in it, heh heh. Maybes not. Let's not get over-exposed. Alright, anything showing at the Dacre Road cinema.

Television:

What? I thought I heard somebody say "television". Oh right. I don't fucking GET television. Why sit in front of a little box every evening watching people getting into car crashes and slaying vampires and chucking rocks at French policemen when you could be out there doing all that yourself? Or chucking vampires at French policemen.

Books:

"The importance of being Ernie", "Lady Windermere's Fanny", "Doreen Grey", stuff like that. Oscar Wilde was the greatest prose-poet the English language has ever seen, and he was like "I'm much wittier than fucking Wordsworth" which really killed me. If I wasn't French and he wasn't dead I would of invited him round so I could sample some of his epigranates at first hand, so to speak.

Heroes:

Barbara Streisand. Anybody who can turn a conk like that into a status symbol deserves my vote. I got enough oversize organs to capsize a horse so I need all the role models I can get. Oh, and Dolly Parton.

My Blog

Please accept my resignation ... Groucho

Carnival of the Blue eh? Arnchasickofit?If you divn't ken what am talkin aboot (and there's absolutely no fucking reason why you should) then perhaps I ought to explain that someone at Uni put me onto...
Posted by Andre the BFG on Wed, 04 Jun 2008 02:52:00 PST

The mark of McCain

Gordon and Shakira enjoy a speculative moment while listening to Shakira's 1973 hit "Underneath your clothes"I was lying in bed this morning enjoying a swift Barclays (J Arthur, to give the Older Gene...
Posted by Andre the BFG on Sat, 31 May 2008 08:15:00 PST

WORDS I HATE - No.1 - "blogger"

Every bugger is different about the things that set them going or get them off. I daresay every word that follows will get up some fuckers nose, but there's others who'll get where I'm coming from. It...
Posted by Andre the BFG on Sat, 24 May 2008 02:05:00 PST

Pissing in the gene-pool

There’s some jolly good stuff in the Daily Telegraph still. Don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s shrunk to the size of a goblin’s foreskin, the good old Tellywag is still the ...
Posted by Andre the BFG on Wed, 09 Apr 2008 11:04:00 PST

5 tunes to hum while running a half-marathon

Since Miz Billings Montana tagged us I’ve been racking me brains to figure out what the five purely mintest albums are. It’s a birruva shan like cause I cannot decide among me top 300. Tro...
Posted by Andre the BFG on Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:58:00 PST

Motorists who dont bother to indicate at roundabouts

TOSSERS!
Posted by Andre the BFG on Fri, 21 Mar 2008 06:27:00 PST

Is Tibet the Cumbria of China?

I see the Chinese Government is preparing for the Beijing Olympics with its usual generosity, carefully dusting down the free-speech provisions in its constitution, and generally taking the opportuni...
Posted by Andre the BFG on Wed, 19 Mar 2008 09:57:00 PST

Hillary’s bad clothes

Dinner at Le Vacherin was dreadful. Why do name-brand chefs de cuisine - or "cooks" as I prefer to call them - feel the need to slice the portions in half and slather everything in aioli? Russell opin...
Posted by Andre the BFG on Tue, 18 Mar 2008 08:01:00 PST

The selfish bladder

You know that book The Selfish Gene - Richard Dawkins’ theory that organisms are just mechanisms for propagating genes? Well, I’ve got a rival theory that is just gagging to be let off the...
Posted by Andre the BFG on Thu, 13 Mar 2008 03:18:00 PST

True scientific facts about other nations - Canada

Did you know that Canadians are lighter than the rest of us?Geologists working late at night have established that the earth's crust around the Canadian Shield has not rebounded after the last Ice Age...
Posted by Andre the BFG on Tue, 11 Mar 2008 12:23:00 PST