A Man's Man - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I was smuggled into the country in 1982 after a large Jamaican woman swallowed me in a condom and shit me out at JFK International Airport. I spent the next 4 years in Astoria, Queens surrounded by Greeks and Eastern Europeans. My memories of this time are scant but I do recall sitting on the tenement stoop dreaming of a world beyond this squalor. I also remember playing doctor with the local street urchins. Unfortunately I was harshly rebuked by the local constable after removing a perfectly healthy appendix from a 5 year old Vietnamese girl. My pretend doctor's license was suspended for 7 pretend years.In 1986 I moved to the great state of New Jersey where I spent the bulwark of my time on Mother Earth. It is here where I developed my affinity for gold chains, leather jackets, pinkie rings and hair gel. It is also here where I mastered the art of the hangover and cultivated an impressive 1.2 GPA upon high school graduation.In 1997 I attended Long Island University of Southampton where I spent 4 years prospecting, courtin' the lasses and wreaking general havoc amongst the student body and greater community as a whole.Upon graduation I was practicing shamanism and had several out of body experiences. One experience had my spiritual being go to the corner store and pick up milk.In 2003 I moved to the City of Angels to embark on a career as an interpretive dancer. I would stand on the corner of Hollywood and Highland and do interpretive dance of the day's big news stories. For example: a suicide bombing in Israel would consist of me making grand gestures with my hands while eating a pita sandwich. It was very experimental and quite frankly ahead of it's time.Now I am working the fryolater at Carl's Jr and selling my body for Zima. Be my friend and I promise to play "MASH" with you.

My Interests

Brazilian jiu-jitsu, spelunking, Cleveland Steamers, screwing with Gypsies, seahorses, underwater welding, wire fraud, knuckle sandwiches, unicycling while juggling chainsaws, robbing banks, voyeurism, murder in the first.

I'd like to meet:

Don Logan, Francis Begby, Aunt Jemima, King Joffy Joffer of Zamunda, a Nielsen family, Mr. Drummond, Abe Vigoda, LaunchPad McQuack, Dana Plato, Jarrod from Subway, the guy who stole my bike when I was 7, Marlon Brando, Tina Yothers, Bobby Brown, Charo, Gandhi, Gandolf, Buddy Lembeck, Ned "The Bull" Ryerson & Spock.

Music:

Captain & Tenille, Bachman Turner Overdrive, Winger, Prussian Blue, Chumbawumba, Color Me Badd, Ace of Base, Daddy Snow, Peabo Bryson, Air Supply, wind chimes, Gary Glitter and Emmit Otter's jugband

Movies:

Electric Boogaloo: Breakin' 2, Disorderlies, 1776, Teen Witch, Brokeback Mountain, Anything with Ed Begley Jr., Biodome, Ishtar, Labyrinth, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Care Bears: The Movie, Beaches, Fievel Goes West, The True Story of the Alleged Texas Cheerleading Murdering Mom, Tupac: Resurrection.

Television:

Blossom, Full House, Stargate, Xena: Warrior Princess, Charlie Rose, Martha Stewart: Living, Oprah, Facts of Life, Different Strokes (with Charlotte Rae), Designing Women, Win Lose or Draw, Phil Donahue, MTV's True Life: Jersey Shore, BET, Transformers, Thundercats, Jim Lehrer, Growing Pains, Small Wonder.

Books:

Garfield Chews the Fat, Garfield Weighs In, Madame Bovary, Mein Kampf (pop up edition), The Anarchists Cookbook, So You Want to Build a Utopian Socialist Empire: An Instruction Guide, Fellatio for Dummies, Henry and Ribs, Superfudge, The Ozarks Yellow Pages, The Biography of Rin Tin Tin, Das Kapital, TV Guide, Brokeback Mountain, The Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane, The Vagina Monologues, Tactics and Strategies of Dungeons and Dragons, Treasure Island

Heroes:

Don Logan, Francis Begby, Kato Kaelin, Hockey Dad, Robert Chambers, OJ, Robert Blake, Old Man Gooddale, Gorilla Monsoon, Martha Stewart, Judge Ito, Baby Doc, Scott Peterson, Ned Nederlander, Ed Begley Jr., Richard Bey, Billy Ray Cyrus, Slick Rick the Ruler, Churchill, AC Cowlings, Gandhi, Mean Gene Oaklund, Ponyboy Curtis, Tango as well as Cash, Booker T. Washington, Mindy Cohn, Rue Mclanahan, King Tut, William the Conqueror, The Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Slobodan Milosovic, Barbara Bush, The Duke of Wellington & Frank Stallone.

My Blog

Britney Spears is a skank.

I was looking at the MSN homepage today and saw that Britney Spears was the days top search. I stopped and thought about that for a second and wondered what the fuck these people were ...
Posted by A Man's Man on Tue, 27 Nov 2007 12:10:00 PST

Postcard from Capt. Smooth

Dear friends, Please forgive me for leaving so abruptly but I got entangled in a bit of a legal hoo-ha and well....let's just say I skipped town for awhile. Not sure when I'll be back as I'...
Posted by A Man's Man on Mon, 26 Nov 2007 12:40:00 PST

The hot friend as red herring...An Observation.

I have noticed of late the underhanded ways women on Myspace try to create traffic specifically by posing with their hot friend. Note to guys: if you see a myspace with a bonafide ogre...
Posted by A Man's Man on Sat, 24 Nov 2007 01:26:00 PST

Giving Thanks and Kicking Anorexia. A Noble Mission.

As I carefully maneuvered my gravy boat around the Mayflower centerpiece and cornucopia we had set up on Thanksgiving, I couldn't help but think about all those starving girls in Beverl...
Posted by A Man's Man on Sat, 24 Nov 2007 10:51:00 PST

Prom Week at Lawn Ornament High. - Part I

Setting: Fort Lauderdale. A tacky Suburban home, littered with lawn ornaments. A PLASTIC FLAMINGO is cooling off near one of those colorful pinwheels. A bashful GARDEN GNOME shuf...
Posted by A Man's Man on Wed, 22 Aug 2007 11:13:00 PST

Prof. Plum in the Library with the Candlestick: An Erotic One Act Play

Setting: A large library, the type that smells of rich leather. This is a no paperback zone. We're talking hard-cover Chaucers and first editions of Catcher in the Rye. There is also...
Posted by A Man's Man on Wed, 02 May 2007 02:04:00 PST

My Neighbor the Eunuch: The Pavesh Botachari Story.

My neighbor the eunuch. First a quick definition: Eunuch: A castrated man employed as a harem attendant or as a functionary in certain Asian courts. A man or boy whose testes are nonf...
Posted by A Man's Man on Fri, 11 Aug 2006 02:04:00 PST

The Story of Herman "Suds" Gonzalez: Car Wash Impresario.

When ones lives in Los Angeles (or the City of Angels as I sometimes cleverly refer to it) they rely frequently on the automobile. At times one must give back to the automobile and congratulate ...
Posted by A Man's Man on Thu, 06 Jul 2006 03:10:00 PST

The Grotesque Phenomenon called Traffic: A Play In One Act.

Today it took me one whole hour to get to work. Sans traffic, it would take me all of 20 minutes to reach the same destination. What traffic does to me is tantamount to going off-roading o...
Posted by A Man's Man on Thu, 06 Jul 2006 09:47:00 PST

A three point bulletin on the betterment of our society.

Addressing our energy crisis: In an effort to conserve on gas I have decided to bring back the unicycle as the predominant means of transportation. I plan on introducing a plan to the Senate flo...
Posted by A Man's Man on Sat, 17 Jun 2006 04:17:00 PST