Judy

A little girl asked me the other day if I had a "choice" of who I wanted to be for just one day, who would it be? I told her, Elizabeth Ann Seton. She is the First American Born Saint. What I admire most in her, that I have yet to be, was the way she lived her daily life. Her love for God and her desire to please him, guided her every interaction. In times of anger, she showed patience. In times of struggle and hardship, she held onto faith. In general, we all have one thing in common. We "choose" how we will react to what is thrown at us every moment of every day. Her "choice" was to react in kindness, selflessness, and most of all, with love and trust for God. As for me? I yearn to live each day as she did, but my "choice" becomes blurred with selfishness and lack of motivation. And yet, going to the grade school that Mother Seton started, instilled the same longing in me to be selfless and to love as Christ taught us: to understand when we don't care to, show compassion when we feel like being left alone, but most of all, trusting in God when I "feel" no faith. My "worst" demon in trusting God is not during the times when I'm scared financially or win my health fails...I do have a deep sense of trust in these areas, because He has been faithful each and every time. The area I am scared to trust God in, is that which lies deep within me. I have known in the deepest part of my soul, since childhood, that God wants to use my talent in acting to shine "His" light. I'm not sure where the insecurities within myself began, but it has plagued me my entire life. When I was in my 20's, I was impassioned about acting, and yet riddled with insecurity..even with my fears, I joined forensics in high school and competed in speech tournaments, suffered feverishly through each competition but surprisingly won more than I lost...I went on to college and got my AA degree in Theatre, but stayed safely behind the "scenes"....went onto University of West Fl and got my BA degree in Theatre and again was, for the most part, off stage..moved to Tampa and joined an actors workshop. After 2 years of instruction...I finally performed a scene in front of agents in a showcase..the scene was about a young girl in a park who was petrified of a stranger bothering her...I will never forget the feeling of being in front of those agents..I couldn't feel my arms, I could barely focus...my nose was running and yet I "used" everything in the scene...I was told that "I" was the highlight of the afternoon for the agents...I have this "comic" timing that flows through my veins even in my most serious moments...I signed up with an agent from the showcase that week...but much to my disappointment, she soon changed occupations and became a casting director..I didn't feel "trust" with her replacement..so after only one assignment as a featured extra in a "B" movie..I dropped out...I didn't like being sent out on assignments that I didn't "believe in" or knew anything about.....In my 30's, I became less passionate about acting and more involved with the important reltationships in my life. It is much easier for me to beleive in the potential of others and support that to the fullest. Now I'm in my 40's and have found it much harder to remain passionate. Paying bills and getting through another work week has been my primary focus. And yet there is still that lingering yearning to act and fulfill His purpose. I have been working on a one act play about a homeless woman dealing with the loss of her child. I want to use this play as a platform to raise money for charities and to touch hearts through the "telescope of this woman's struggle'...yet the fear inside continues...the difference this time is I will stop hiding and trust.