I grew up in Baltimore, Maryland. I really hated high school and was failing geography. I hated my parents too. I ran away from home at age 16 after my stupid parents didn't get me the black cha-cha heels I wanted for Christmas.
I had a one-afternoon stand on Christmas Day with Earl Peterson and got pregnant. I stole his wallet
as we were making love that day. After that he wouldn't talk to me or give me money.
I gave birth to my daughter Taffy in my room at the Hotel Albion. Soon after we got a house and I earned a living for us by waitressing at The Little Tavern and go-go dancing at The Red Garter. My best friends Chicklette and Concetta and I earned our real money by prostitution, mugging homeless people, and robbing houses. We were upper-echelon cat burglars.
My daughter Taffy became a real brat and drove me crazy badgering me for attention. A staff of doctors had
examined her when she was younger and told me she was most definitely retarded. My friends suggested I get my hair done at The Lipstick Beauty Salon, and that's where I met my husband Gator who was a hairdresser. There
I also met Donald and Donna Dasher, the well-to-do salon owners. They recognized my ravishing beauty right away!
Five years later I got tired of my husband. I had caught him in bed with other women, and our own sex life
had become dysfunctional. The Dashers wanted me to get into modeling and show business. They asked me to participate in an experiment for them to prove their theory that crime enhances one's beauty. I agreed and I asked them to fire Gator from the salon for me as I was getting a divorce. They did, and Gator moved away to Detroit to find happiness in the auto industry.
Gator's Aunt Ida was really mad at me for making Gator leave, and she came over in the middle of my dinner
party for the Dashers and threw acid in my face. Although I was disfigured from the acid burns, The Dashers convinced me that now I would be even more
beautiful than ever before, and they were right!
When I returned home from the hospital, the Dashers had built a stage for me to model on in my home. They turned me on to shooting up with liquid eyeliner, which as everyone knows enhances one's beauty awareness. They had also kidnapped Ida from next door and locked her in a big bird cage. I chopped off her hand with an axe as they photographed me. We had a red-hot camera session that day!
My career really took off after that. Everywhere I went people were staring and gawking at me Iike I was a princess!
Later that week I made my show business debut at the Superstar Nightclub. Before the show, my daughter Taffy
tried to ruin my evening by announcing that she had joined those awful Hare Krishna people. I had told
her before that if she dared to embarrass me like that I would kill her, and I did. I strangled her with my bare
hands backstage and then went on with my show.
It was a wild, fast-moving stage show...with a finale to top all finales! They loved it!
Even the people that died loved it! How could they not love dying...if they're going to become famous for it?
I was able to flee the nightclub after the shootings and hid out for a few days by the river, but was caught
by the police and put on trial for first-degree murder and kidnapping. I became the most famous person you've
ever seen! The press was there, and I was looking real pretty, but those witches wouldn't give me my fashion
accessories. My lawyer was a terrible press agent. Ida Nelson and the Dashers lied on the witness stand about my involvement in various crimes, but I did admit to strangling Taffy. I was proud of it! It was art! I'm a huge star! I was only charged in those matters because I'm so photogenic.
The jury found me guilty and sentenced me to die in the electric chair. I felt lucky to receive
the death penalty, it's the biggest award I could get in my field. I had a brief affair with an inmate named
Earnestine who promised to write a book about me and sell my story to the media. Life imprisonment would have been such a second-rate news story. This way, my legend
will have to live on.
Please remember...I love every fucking one of you!
