Matt profile picture

Matt

You Had Me at Shalom

About Me

Commercials with little African kids make me hungry
I have nothing against Jesus. It's his fan club that I can't stand.
I just had a testicle removed. One down, four to go.
I like my women like I like my scotch; twelve years old and all mixed up with coke
I love Korean food. I wish I had a dog smoothie right now.
I love women because I can give them a wedgie from the front or the back
I majored in danger with a minor in stupidity
I really need a manicure. Last weekend, instead of ordering pizza like usual, I sat beside a river and swiped at salmon.
I should be an inventor. The other day I was just thinking about how, if I attached a frying pan to a shoelace, I could really beat the crap out of my kids.
I tried cocaine to lose weight, but it just made me eat faster.
I used to be fat, but now I'm just ugly
I want to have kids; I just don't want to meet them
I was going to be a priest, but I misspelled "God" on my application
I was trying to call the abortion clinic, but I got Domino's instead. So I ordered two pizzas and tipped the pizza guy extra to punch my girlfriend in the stomach.
If there's one thing I have learned about women, it's that they love pro wrestling
Note to self: when a woman shows me her baby, do not scream, "Oh, my filthy Christ! That baby is so f---ing ugly!"
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My Interests

Swimming

NFL Draft

Astronomy

Standup comedy

Taekwondo...Black Belt

I'd like to meet:

A leprous, quadriplegic, syphilitic, comatose, hemorrhoidally contagious, left-handed, blind-in-one-eye, bald jungle sloth with halitosis

Boys have hot dogs and girls have hot dog buns. I like my hot dog buns with ketchup.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch

You can't beat a college girl. Sure, you can smack her around a little, but you can't beat her.

Music:

The Rolling Stones

Led Zeppelin

Metallica...I love "...And Justice for All"

Electric Light Orchestra

Thin Lizzy

The Kinks

Movies:

2001

Antonia's Line

Pulp Fiction

The Deer Hunter

Citizen Kane...Hey, I was a film major

Television:

The Sopranos

Big Love

Family Guy

Kung Fu

The Simpsons...seasons 4-8

Top Chef

Dexter

Nature

Books:

Body and Soul

But Inside I'm Screaming

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

Dear Zoe

Deep Thoughts

Elephant (by Steve Bloom)

Forrest Gump

The Glass Castle

Here, There, and Everywhere

I Know This Much is True

The Kid Stays in the Picture

The Know-It-All

Life of Pi

Loser Goes First

The Losers' Club

The Lovely Bones

Lucky

Me Talk Pretty One Day

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh

Naked

Oh the Glory of It All

A Prayer for Owen Meany

Sellevision

Tao Te Ching

The Tender Bar

The Time Machine Did It

The World According to Garp

You Remind Me of Me

Heroes:

Alice Sebold...author of my two favorite books

Michael Jordan

Tom Snyder...I grew up watching and listening to him

Ed Bradley

Akira Kurosawa

John Lennon

My Blog

Preseason NFL Predictions

AFC East 1. NEW ENGLAND...13-3 2. Miami...7-9 3. NY Jets...7-9 4. Buffalo...4-12   AFC North 1. BALTIMORE...12-4 2. CINCINNATI...11-5 3. Pittsburgh...10-6 4. Cleveland...3-13   AFC South 1. ...
Posted by Matt on Thu, 06 Sep 2007 08:40:00 PST

Leaving Las Vegas

30 July will be the end of my time in Las Vegas. Jennifer and I will be in Chapel Hill on the morning of the 31st....
Posted by Matt on Fri, 27 Jul 2007 07:22:00 PST

Why the hell did my car get towed by my landlord and how can I nail her for doing it?

I looked out at my parking spot this morning and my car was gone. I went outside and ALL the cars were gone. I called my landlord and she said she towed it and I knew well in advance that it was ...
Posted by Matt on Wed, 13 Jun 2007 05:15:00 PST

Matt at the University of North Carolina

I mailed the check. I'm going to the University of North Carolina this fall.
Posted by Matt on Wed, 04 Apr 2007 12:26:00 PST

Puerto Rico 8-12 April

I'll be in San Juan, Puerto Rico for work from 8-12 April.
Posted by Matt on Wed, 04 Apr 2007 12:21:00 PST

Going to UCLA?

UCLA accepted me as a graduate student in its Department of Information Studies
Posted by Matt on Tue, 27 Mar 2007 09:20:00 PST

Chapel Hill 20-23 March

I'll be in Chapel Hill, NC visiting the University of North Carolina from 20-23 March. Go Tarheels!...
Posted by Matt on Sun, 18 Mar 2007 08:18:00 PST

Going to Be a Tarheel?

The University of North Carolina accepted me as a graduate student in its School of Information....
Posted by Matt on Sun, 18 Feb 2007 07:22:00 PST

Going to Be a Longhorn?

The University of Texas accepted me as a graduate student in its School of Information.
Posted by Matt on Fri, 16 Feb 2007 10:14:00 PST

I did a survey

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The SurveyName:MattBirthday:6 MarchBirthplace:Fargo, North DakotaCurrent Location:VegasEye Color:blueHair Color:blondHeight:5'8"Right Handed or Left Handed:more leftyYour Heri...
Posted by Matt on Wed, 07 Feb 2007 09:22:00 PST