Mr. Hollywood doesn't walk on blue carpets. Mr. Hollywood doesn't walk on green carpets. MR. HOLLYWOOD WALKS ON RED CARPETS!!!!
My little friend named Oscar. But none of that "Best Picture" dribble. I want "Best Special Effects" or "Best Sound Design" on my movies. Best Picture? That goes to sappy whine fests like "The Last Emperor". You know if you get special effects or sound design, you blew a lot of shit up.
Mr. Hollywood's home
Mr. Hollywood's car
I'd like to meet:
I think the real question is "Who isn't in Mr. Hollywood's roledex?" I mean seriously, Monday night it's Madonna (goes on and on about kabbalah- Oy Vey, come on madge, you're a shiksa -face it), Tuesday it's Jerry Brukheimer (talentless hack --Mr. Hollywood's just jealous), Weds it's his Holiness The Dhali Lama (always makes me pay -cheap fuck), Thursday - Well, Thursday is escort night(LA Xpress) - nevermind, Friday - Usually some red carpet vip event and post party where Mr. Hollywood will bring some "actress" (code for - a bartender with a headshot) who better sleep with him later that night. Sat - Sush at Koi with -- this could go on and on. you get the point.
Mr. Hollywood's Rolodex
I have Millions of "friends"
Lindz
Tom
Brad
Angie
Joel Silver
Bruck
The Real Ari
Spielberg
Richard Lovett
Keanu
Jess
Ratner
Michael Bay
Scarlett
Stacey Snyder
Brad Grey
Paris
Vanessa
Hayden
Kutch
Music:
Let's make this clear... Mr.Hollywood doesn't know or care about what's "good". There is no "good", it's all subjective. Someone will always like it. What Mr. Hollywood knows is "can he sell it" or "is this going to make a great fucking soundtrack," or "is there a hot pop singer with big fake tits who has no shame about flaunting them with her low cut jeans or skirt i can look up if I press pause on the tivo at the right time and has a reputation for sleeping with Hollywood power brokers." This is Mr. Hollywood's kinda music!
Movies:
Sure, Mel doesn't like the JEWS...so there goes one of Mr. Hollywood's man crushes... though I hear he was drunk on Manechevitz that night in Malibu... makes you wonder
TOP GUN!!!
Mr. Hollywood still cries every time Goose dies.
Television:
MR. HOLLYWOOD'S BEEFS
1. Writers! Hey, four eyes, you wanna know how hard it is to come up with something? Try opening the sunday paper! Bam, you got a movie. So don't tell me about your months of "writing and rewriting". Boo-hoo. Mr. Hollywood's doing it right now. Let me open the paper. Oh look, "children trapped under an El Salvadorian Bridge." There's your next Summer disaster movie. Why's Mr. Hollywood paying you 400k against a mil? I just created a hit. Get a white guy down there to save those little brown kids (hopefully Hugh Jackman or Brad Pitt... if we turn it into a comedy Vince Vaughn), have a hot Peace Corps worker down there with him (Angelina "lips and hips" Joliee). Now you got a love story too. There's a movie! Stop looking at internet porn and dreaming about girls you'll never get (but Mr. Hollywood will), and go write it. Mr. Hollywood would if it wasn't such a boring thing to do! He's too busy having schmoes like you doing it and besides, he's got drinks at Trader Vics tonight with Richard Lovitt- no time. How hard can this writing stuff be, really? Let's face it, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon have a writing Oscar!
2. Those cameras at intersection stop lights! Listen, if it's yellow - Mr. Hollywood goes through. It's NOT red. The last thing Mr. Hollywood needs while racing through an intersection in his Porsche 911 at 90mph on his way to a screening is a bright FLASH filling his eyes taking his picture...and not from his good side!
3.Angelina Joliee's lips. There, I said it! In the old days a nice pair of lips might have moved some celluloid and maybe it did at the beginning of her career. But, you know what? I've seen them now! You can't base a movie marketing campaign on something i've seen a million times...her lips. Give Mr. Hollywood something new. He speaks for the people on this one. How about a little nipple? I could sell a movie on Angelina Joliee nipple! But lips... not so easy anymore.
Heroes:
Those old Jewish guys who started this town.
Joel... I know him, I love him. And what a handsome man. This man can make a movie!
Keanu Reeves (I mean come on, anyone who could pull off this sort of con and make that many millions is a hero in my book)
Sam Peckinpah - This was a director who wasn't afraid of violence. Too much blood? Not enough, Sam said. Too macho? Fuck you, it isn't macho enough until there's 10 explosions and a few tits dangling over bloody corpses on the screen. If only we had guys like this today...And NO, Michael Bay DOESN'T count. Though I am a big fan of his work...especially Pearl Harbor.
