I enjoy long walks on the beach, hot alien chicks, and oh yeah, tormenting $cientologists by creating more and more thetans everyday.
The Xenu FAQ
The top ten questions for your Dark Lord and Savior
1. Should we physically fight the $cientologists?
Should you find it necessary to battle a $cientologist, Xenu suggests this: If fighting a male $cientologist, kick him in the nuts. This will cause the few remaining thetans in the $cientologist to laugh which will attract other thetans. If confronted by a female $cientologist, tell her that her outfit makes her butt look fat... yes this pisses off all women, but it should only be used on $cientologist women.
2. Why do I need body thetans?
Body thetans make humans funnier, smarter, and more fun to be around. Without body thetans humans become unfunny, stupid douche bags, and your Dark Lord and Savior hates douche bags.
3. What are thetans?
Thetans are the souls of aliens that sacraficed their lives for the greater good of the galaxy billions of years ago. Check out Xenu's blogs for more info on thetans and the lies $cientology spreads about them.
4. Should I worry about my pet's thetan levels?
No. Only humans require thetans. A human without thetans is a douche bag, a puppy or kitten without thetans is still a tasty snack.
5. What kind of women do you like Xenu?
Xenu is partial towards Martian women. Xenu is not a huge fan of earth women, but Xenu has been known to pick a few lesbian Asian women every now and then.
6. Can I still follow the religion I was raised with and worship Xenu?
Yes. In fact Xenu plays poker with Jesus, Mohammed, and Buddha every weekend, and Xenu's best friend in college was the Flying Spaghetti Monster (That dude got all the chicks). You can follow just about any religion AND worship your Dark Lord and Savior Xenu, just as long as the other religion is not $cientology.
7. How do I collect more thetans?
Party, have fun, and hang around other fun loving people. It's just that simple. Xenu does not require or want your money. Xenu just wants you to be happy.
8. Should I boycott Tom Crui$e movies?
HELL YES!!!
9. Xenu how do we free you from your volcanic prison?
Xenu is not in a prison. That is a lie spread by $cientology. Xenu has a volcanic lair here on Earth that Xenu brings chicks back to when Xenu wants to get his freak on.
10. Who is your favorite memeber of the Village people?
Are you joking with Xenu? If Xenu ever met the Village People Xenu would kill them with His death beam, and hire Korn to play at their funeral.
THE DARK LORD'S PRAYER
Our dark Lord on Mars, dreaded be your name.
Your intergalactic empire re-emerge,
your will be law, beyond this galaxy as on earth.
Give us today the power we need to destroy your enemies,
without mercy, such as you have none for those who oppose you.
And don't dump us into a volcano but lead us to victory.
