Johnny Awesome profile picture

Johnny Awesome

gray would be the color if I still had a heart

About Me

Who the hell am I?

just because i rock doesn't mean i'm made of stone!

Currently, I am the disputed World Champion of Heavyweight Boxing, but I try to be the most dynamic person that most people will ever meet. If I am nothing else, I am interesting. I have spent a great deal of time attempting to be a man of many trades. I am open, very moderate to liberal politically, good natured, artistic, and intelligent. On the other hand I also spent 6 years in the Marine Corp, so I am a very driven self-motivated person.

I am a programmer because I think that code is art that I can make money creating right now. Also, graduate studies were not paying the bills, but I am returning to school very shortly. To know me is to love me. Or was it to hate me? I don't recall, either way, I am a lot of fun. Guaran-effin-teed. I love to look for an adventure and I am always down to hang out whether it is at Mardi Gras or just lounging around watching movies. I am a great friend to have because I have the incredible ability to change an evening from zero to total anarchy at the drop of a phone call. I like to think that I rule pretty effin hard. Like some sort of hyper intelligent rock star that did average in college and doesn't play any musical instruments. Make sense? If so, you need to call me right away, because I need a new therapist.

If you drop me a line, I'm usually prompt to write back, since I work on the internet. I work and live on the ...

What I have learned from past relationships with women is:

    Man, when the judge's restraining order says 500 yards, he means it. If she has a huge adam's apple and giant hands, you should have listened to your friends. And finally . . Don't ever be caught saying, "Man, what's that chicks problem? Why hasn't she called me yet? I called her like a million times!"

"All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not. "


20 random questioned answered about me and my MySpace

    I am one of the few men I know of who have faked a male orgasm. Multiple times. I lost my virginity in front of a crowd. If you leave me a message with an embedded image I will most likely find you less cool not more cool. If it blinks I'll hate you. If it's one of those animated yellow emoticons I just might kill you while you sleep. I was the second youngest in my family to graduate from college with multiple degrees. My profile code is handwritten; don't ask me where I got it or how to do it. I prefer to leave humorous or spiteful messages. If I compliment you I am either intoxicated or serious. Less likely to be the latter. Asking me to comment you will surely remove any chance of it happening. I have over 10 major scars on my body and face from numerous ER visits up to and including skull and heart surgery. I don't like fruit and vegetables by themselves. In effect, I do not eat salad. I prefer them on a sandwich or in some other meal format. I love sluts. Seriously. Even the MySpace kind. Pretty girls who wonder why their mediocre friend gets all the attention at parties and bars should take notes on their whorish body language. If you want to know what I like to talk about, the following subjects arise in my various conversations through the week (not necessarily in this order): politics, technology, pop-culture, sex, and religion. If you really want to get meta-physical about it, those 5 cover all topics in life, I find. I don't bang the ugly or fat ones. Sober. More then once. Yes, I am for 'reals'. Yes, I am the 'whole package'. Yes, I am this cocky. Yes, I am sure I'm straight. In short? 69, shaved, and astroglide. People say that in real life I am a dead ringer for Jason Giambi . Nothing I do on here is by accident. I do love to write. I do love to perform. I do think I am funny. I am a dick in real life. I have had drinks with or spit on more celebrities then the average person. Sometimes at the same time!

Introducing Johnny Awesome

My new name is now Johnny Awesome.

Why Johnny Awesome? Because I have decided to legally change my name to that. Its pretty much like that Simpsons Episode where Homer changes his name to 'Max Power'. People tend to take interest in the outrageous, ergo I needed a name to match my behavior.

Exactly how awesome are you, really?

They tried to determine how awesome I am by drawing blood and sending it to several independent testers.

The results all came back inconclusive.

Reason?
My awesome level was so off the charts they determined me to be "awesome toxic"; a level previously only found in dead rock stars and stunt pilots.
By all accounts, I should be dead from awesome poisoning long ago. Yet, my awesome riddled body continues to rock on as though driven by some larger awesome purpose.

What's it like to be Johnny Awesome?

Glad you asked. Its pretty effin sweet. To give you some insight into my daily life I have decided to link to my flickr account, so you can always check in on the latest pics.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/everynobody/

Are you for real(s)?

I am not certain, but I think so. Wait. Yes. I am. Well, actually I did have two beers with breakfast. I dunno. Confidence is high nonetheless.

Is there a Mrs. Awesome?

Well, no. But Jonny Awesome always follows Sun Tzu's Art of War. "Keep your favorite top nacho close. But keep every other ho closer."

Is this like when you were a kid and wanted to be named Maverick after you watched Top Gun?

Holy shit! Who told you about that? No, but still, that was weird. I only told Heather in my third grade class. Damn. I knew she would tell.

Well, I still think it's lame.

Oh yeah? Well fuck you then. Besides, what kind of loser name is [insert your name here, please. thanks. tootles.]


Additional Evidence

Here are some examples of why I rule. Hard.

vote for my drunken ass-shot!


The Story Behind the Ass:

For a long time I just kind of let my ass hang out there, and I have since grown tired of responding to messages wondering what and how this travesty could happen. So without further ado; here is what actually went down:

I had just graduated from college, and went back to my hometown to stay with my folks for a bit before my actual graduation party. During a trip to the grocery store I ran into some old friends from High School who had never left town (very similar to the situation in that movie Garden State). Anyways, I ended drinking with all of my old friends and deciding that I was going to try and prove that everything in the universe is circular (thanks a lot Einstein) by attempting to drink myself sober.

It pretty much goes without saying that I was proven horribly wrong and somehow barely managed to get back to my parent's living room and falling asleep, but not before deciding it was a great idea to strip myself naked (sans sock removal). Of course to compliment this outfit I also determined it was a snappy idea to grab a plate of chicken wings and A-1 sauce.

In the morning my dad found me and covered me up, but not before snapping this shot. Of course I knew nothing about it, until he distributed this image as a flyer at the actual graduation party rendering me totally speechless.

100 percent awesome, dad.


a little section called MOST RECENT PIC

19 August 2006 - Claudia and I on her bday


back in the day . . .

my college daze ruled. just like me.


more reasons why i rule

i should have been on the cover of punk and disorderly


i love beer. physically


My Interests

RUNNING,working out, painting, illustrating, riding motorcycles, programming, traveling, reading, drinking good spirits, comedy clubs, comedians, and having fun
IT Skills:
Languages and Concepts: SQL, Visual Basic, VBA, VB Scripting, WSH, API, Active-X, HTML, DHTML, ASP, Java Scripting, PERL, CGI, CSS, SSI, Cold Fusion MX, XML-XSLT, JSP and servlets, Action Scripting, ADO, DOM, OOP, PHP, and some JAVA and VC++
RDBMS: SQL Server (6 – 2000), MS Access (97 – XP), Oracle 8i & 9i, MySQL
Software: Adobe - Photoshop/Image Ready/Illustrator, Macromedia - Flash MX/Fireworks MX/Dreamweaver MX, Freehand MX, Contribute, Microsoft - Notepad (for most all programming), FrontPage, All Office applications (excel, word, etc.), Visio, Project, Interdev, Primavera, Elite, Lotus Applications, SAP, Perforce (programmer and administrator)
Systems: Servers - IIS, Win2000, NT, Apache, OS – Win 95/ 98/ 2000P/ XP, UNIX, LINUX, some Red Hat exposure, Basic Apple OS knowledge

I'd like to meet:

Who I Want To Meet (Meat)

Listing who I don't want to meet is easier than those I do



"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction." -- Choke

I was always looking for someone who was smart, funny, self-confident, honest, attractive, and open in all ways. A series of physical desriptions never described sexy for me, but I knew it when I saw it. All I ever wanted was someone who was a good communicator and expected honest and open dialogue from me as well. I wanted someone who enjoys life and yes, SEX! I thought it was too much to ask form and whether or not it was apparently remains to be seen.

But, don't worry I still have love for those sexy tech-girls. And of course my hot female Marines. However, I was recently reminded that there are not a lot of either.

If I was to describe the perfect relationship, it would be frosty, thirst quenching, with little to no after taste, but at the same time taste great and be less filling. Wait that's the perfect beer. In a perfect relationship there would be little or no head, wait that's beer again. Basically, I guess I can easily describe what WOULDN'T constitute the perfect relationship, I am obviously still trying to make the right one happen.



Awesome MySpacers

profiles I recommend

Below is a list of profiles that I find entertaining (either the individual or the page as a whole) in no particular order. Many of these people I know in real life and some are even close to my heart, some I only know in MySpace, some I don't know at all. Some I know to be very real, some could even be fake. I don't give a shit. Either way, its worth it for you to scope them out. Fo sho.



If you are going to link an image in the comment section, please make sure it is less than 200 pixels in width. Otherwise I will have to delete it so it doesn't throw off my layout. Thanks!

Music:

Deftones, Team Sleep, System of a Down, APC, Mudvayne, Queens of the Stone Age, Rancid, NOFX, Pennywise, Jane's Addiction, Pink Floyd, Grateful Dead, Butthole Surfers, Primus, Alice in Chains, GNR, 50 Cent, 2-Pac, Paul Oakenfold, KMFDM, Too $hort, Jamiroquai, Ludacris, Jay-Z, Tool, Ramones, Black Flag, Korn, Pantera, The Strokes, Outkast, Modest Mouse, local music shows, this is all bullshit since I listen to so much shit pulling titltes out of my ass right now seems crazy. Oh and DJ KRI$ P and MC Chris.

Movies:

LEAVING LAS VEGAS!!!! (they did the character of me perfect. Elizabeth Shue, I mean.), Schindler's List, Magnolia, Requiem for a Dream, Trainspotting, Revenge of the Nerds, Weird Science, 16 Candles, Anything Stanley Kubrick, Mel Gibson flicks, Old School Kung Fu Movies, Sci-Fi, ARMY OF DARKNESS, The Big Labowski, Clerks, Fight Club, anything indie pretty much. Like my DUI tape from the CHP dash cam. I was a method actor then. Fuck off.

Television:

Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Sealab 2021, Family Guy, Reno 911, Scrubs, Sopranos, Deadwood, Six Feet Under, Entourage, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Simpsons, Sex in the City, 90210, Crank Yankers, Da Ali G Show, Dave Chapelle Show, Mr.Show (reruns), Arrested Development, The Office, Rome, Robot Chicken

Books:

Fight Club, Choke, Invisible Monsters, Angela's Ashes, The Difference Between God and Larry Ellison : *God Doesn't Think He's Larry Ellison, most of what I have to read is work related. Blah

Heroes:

Bill Mutha Fuckni' Gates, yo! That's mah word, son.

My Blog

Walk on then America . . .

WalkAmerica A small to probably little known fact is that the past few months I have become enthralled with community service and donating my time in order to better my ...
Posted by Johnny Awesome on Wed, 11 Apr 2007 04:27:00 PST

What it means to walk alone

What it means to walk alone Loneliness and the consciousness of solitude is an emotion that most of us appreciate and attempt to refrain from. Yes, there are indeed some peopl...
Posted by Johnny Awesome on Tue, 20 Feb 2007 03:30:00 PST

Why don't you fuck your Apple then?

Why don't you fuck your Apple then? Introduction: If you could not care less about technology or computers or the internet or advertising or shit like that, then you shouldn't re...
Posted by Johnny Awesome on Fri, 02 Feb 2007 01:56:00 PST

All of my favorite types; now in stereo!

All of my favorite types; now in stereo! I have never been one to correct people for their inability to conform to political correctness. I even never really act offended when someone tries to ...
Posted by Johnny Awesome on Thu, 25 Jan 2007 10:15:00 PST

Lost Dog (not the Bounty Hunter)

Lost Dog (not the Bounty Hunter)Flat out if I lost my dog, Seamus, I would freak out. He's lasted through three girlfriends, two trips to the emergency room, and one arrest. That makes him my longest ...
Posted by Johnny Awesome on Mon, 15 Jan 2007 01:10:00 PST

Just BS It

Just BS It Want to be popular this year? Shit yeah, you do! Then just say you're gonna be and viola! You will be. I think this format of semi-delusional "power of positive thought" ...
Posted by Johnny Awesome on Fri, 05 Jan 2007 11:57:00 PST

5 minutes alone

5 minutes alone Does anyone else recall when the Bulletin board at MySpace was a place where people posted interesting things? Such as stories, anecdotes, and items that were worth broa...
Posted by Johnny Awesome on Thu, 14 Dec 2006 01:17:00 PST

Stephen v. Johnny

Since joining MySpace January of 2004, I have seen several profiles posing as me; or at minimum using my photos and posing as someone else. They have ranged from somewhat flattering to not passing g...
Posted by Johnny Awesome on Thu, 24 Aug 2006 08:05:00 PST

Just effing admit it

. . . the era of of the MySpace above the head, angled, 'you can't really tell what I might look like' shot is over. Nobody is really fooled anymore. I think we all know what I am talking about. ...
Posted by Johnny Awesome on Tue, 15 Aug 2006 07:16:00 PST

GTFO

Um. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Samuel Jackson is going to perform as the voice of “God” on a new audio version of the Bible. (story here) “And God said, “Get these mutha fucki...
Posted by Johnny Awesome on Mon, 17 Jul 2006 09:36:00 PST