Baal - ProfilesArchive

About Me

Welcome, friend of Baal!I am a ruthless, petty god, fond of complicated, uncomfortable worship, sacrifice and reality television. I also enjoy Nascar and some of the better California wines.Worship me, and I will shower you with superficial gratificants, like Ho-Hos and cheap, shiny beads. Hymns and prayers to Baal will be accepted in the Comments section of this page.

My Interests

Sacrifice....eh - guess that's it.

I'd like to meet:

Toadies, sycophants, rank and file idolators, congressmen.

Music:

AC/DC's "Big Balls."

Movies:

"Ice Castles," "Shoot To Kill," anything starring Joanna Kern or Judith Light.

Television:

"Big Brother," anything on TBN, "Victory Garden!"

Books:

"I Am Baal!" a memoir of Baal's thrilling days in stockcar racing, by Baal; "Baal Is Mighty!" by a follower of Baal, who is now VERY WEALTHY and VERY IMPORTANT, and I think WE ALL KNOW WHY; "Why Does Baal Hate Me?" by John Ashcroft and Pat Robertson; "I Grovel Before Baal!" also by John Ashcroft and Pat Robertson, with assistance from Dick Cheney.

Heroes:

Moloch has done well for Moloch's self, as a bloodthirsty deity, but never managed to penetrate the market as L. Ron Hubbard has. I admire both of them, but their accomplishments pale in comparison with those of Oprah.

My Blog

Amazing Adventures of the White Knight!

ANNOUNCER (bellowing over energetic, yet strangely pointless music): The Amazing Adventures of The White Knight!NARRATOR: (quavering with groundless excitement) Injured in a cataclysmic chess accident...
Posted by Baal on Mon, 18 Sep 2006 06:06:00 PST

Second coming

Brothers and Sisters in Baal,Baal is mighty! Cloven is the hoof of Baal, that it might poke the unhappy sinner in two places, separated by approximately a half an inch, thereby reminding the sinner tw...
Posted by Baal on Sun, 03 Sep 2006 12:24:00 PST

Better Living Through Evil

By Lee Ponsonby-GrissomSpecial to the Atlanta BeaconATLANTA - "Goody two shoes!" shouts little Greg Northenby, kicking savagely at Kathy Stebbens' calves, as the Southern Baptist minister's daughter r...
Posted by Baal on Tue, 23 May 2006 09:59:00 PST

21 things Baal would like to know about his followers

Thoughtfully contributed by the estimable Brother Davey. Go now, my minions, and harrass him into pouring some of this apparently plentiful creative energy into preening his blog for the entertainment...
Posted by Baal on Sat, 20 May 2006 03:03:00 PST

A Child's Garden of Vice

Excerpts from a new edition of the 18th century Baalitarian children's reader, "A Child's Garden of Vice," Arvel Grosvenor Peptic, editor. MERRILY, PLAY WITH MEMerrily, play with me,Gretchen and Franz...
Posted by Baal on Tue, 09 May 2006 10:44:00 PST

Stab! Stab!

[A guest posting by Sister Kang, of the Baalitarian Sisters of Interminable Botulism]When I was 8, I was completely enamored of the songs of Billy Joel, which were, of course, totally incomprehensible...
Posted by Baal on Tue, 02 May 2006 04:50:00 PST

I, Fartula!

The tragic history of Pepin Ottomar von Fartula, as told to Dieter Sponz Teufeltaffel. Translated from the German by Prof. Constance Whelming, Christ ChurchVOLUME THE FIRST - RUMBLINGSI was not always...
Posted by Baal on Sun, 23 Apr 2006 02:10:00 PST

Advice for young married couples

Greetings, postulants of Baal! Baal is the god of tight trousers and alimony! For this reason, Baal feels it incumbent upon Baal to divulge his advice to young couples approaching the altar of Hymen. ...
Posted by Baal on Sun, 23 Apr 2006 08:37:00 PST

Envy and Greed: An Easter Parable for Children

Bunny Simpkin was sad. Of all the Easter bunnies, he had been given the least desirable route, and was slotted to deliver treats only to the poor, smelly, ugly children of Easterland. Bunny Simpkin ha...
Posted by Baal on Sat, 15 Apr 2006 02:43:00 PST

Fart Bomb

(a guest posting by Sister Kang, of the Carmelite Order of the Sisters of Eternal Obsolescence)My sister Rachel and I discovered the Fart Bomb at the McCall's General Store in Boring on a bike ride la...
Posted by Baal on Wed, 12 Apr 2006 06:10:00 PST