Space Penguins - ProfilesArchive

About Me

MISSION STATEMENT: Here at Space Penguins, Inc., we have a commitment to our customers to bring them universal anger regarding just about everything, and as chairman of the board, I strive to deliver. Why? Because anger is a hell of a lot funnier than bliss. Who would you rather sit next to on your barstool: the chick raving about her goddamn engagement party or the drunk guy missing a thumb bitching about how his boss grabbed his ass on the loading docks and ordered him to call him "Honey Buttocks" if he wanted to keep his position loading Hello Kitty merchandise onto flatbeds?
The answer of course is neither; you should be playing Photo Hunt on the touchscreen game in the poker room and sending poorly thought-out text messages to your ex-girlfriends. Loser.
Space Penguins, Inc., can't stand your smelly-ass dog, loathes self-righteous vegetarians, thinks whiny emo rock plays in all the elevators in Hell. We think recycling is for saps and firmly believe that the ice caps melting would be bitchin'. Fuck polar bears.

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

As CEO, I encourage the following people to come forward immediately and visit us here at the corporate headquarters of Space Penguins, Inc.: people who say "volumptuous," "irregardless," and "ironical"; people who bring their dog into the gorcery store; people who can't express themselves without the use of two of more exclamation marks per sentence; people who wear their cell phones clipped to their belts; people who say "headspace"; people who say "K-Fed," "Tom Kat," or think Fergie is a musical powerhouse. Just announce yourself at the front desk and Sanchos, our Ecuadorian security guard (and hell of a good dancer) will take you into our "re-education" center and beat you with a sack of hammers.

Moron.

..

My Blog

Growin' up country

I Google-mapped the farmhouse where I grew up to see if you could even see it. Just barely. That little speck in the blue circle in the middle of an ocean of green nothing is the old homestead. If you...
Posted by on Fri, 06 Mar 2009 10:04:00 GMT

What. The. Hell.

There are no words.In other news, does it seem like a weirdly large amount of people this year are spending their tax refund on living-room furniture? Or have I just reached an age where...
Posted by on Tue, 03 Mar 2009 12:16:00 GMT

translator fun

In case you were curious, if you start with this:"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age ofwisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, itwas the epo...
Posted by on Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:31:00 GMT

Michael Hails is...

Michael Hails can't believe he went without Facebook for this long.Michael Hails is addicted to checking people's status updates.Michael Hails is going to tell Myspace to suck a duck for constantly ea...
Posted by on Thu, 19 Feb 2009 06:31:00 GMT

What the hell happened to everyone's hair?

I was out last night showing an Israeli out-of-towner how we throw down in the B'kyn on Tuesday (answer: two-for-one drinks). Toward the end of the evening, there was an unfortunate confluence of two ...
Posted by on Wed, 18 Feb 2009 06:20:00 GMT

Let's keep the geek train rolling today

Posted by on Tue, 17 Feb 2009 10:52:00 GMT

Best day ever

It's possible no one else will care, but...I kept hearing Jonathan Coulton songs floating out of one of the editing suites this morning, and when I went to investigate, one of the techs was tweaking s...
Posted by on Tue, 17 Feb 2009 09:16:00 GMT

You can have this one for free

If someone's pissing you off:That guy really frosts my Nixon.OR!If you think someone's teh hot:I'd like to frost that chick's Nixon.It's all yours. Take it. If the Space Penguin does it, it's not ille...
Posted by on Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:33:00 GMT

Gregory continues to delight and amaze

Friday night, we were watching TV and chugging alcohol in preparation for a night out. In order to avoid spending $200 on drinks in a bar in Manhattan, it's necessary to do a little pregame. Gregory w...
Posted by on Mon, 02 Feb 2009 10:22:00 GMT

I Heart New York

There's a good reason why New Yorkers are so g'damn annoying when they talk about how great their city is -- this city is amazingly great. Like, rape you in the face great. I can prove it. I have vide...
Posted by on Mon, 02 Feb 2009 07:28:00 GMT