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July 2 As the 4th approaches, it's not sadness that I feel but rather, awe. I just went through all that? Really? Was that all really necessary? I'm so amazed that I survived. *Laughing* And the thing is, all this being pushed around by the universe, it's not over. I don't truly belong to me. Right now I belong to Ozzie's. That's why I don't really mind not having a life. It's not like I have anything better to do. I had a lot of stuff to do today/yesterday. And when I got back to Avalon, what did I do? I could have just relaxed, taken a bath, watched a movie, something. But no, I worked on Ozzie's stuff. Yeah, I have homework. *Laughing* I swear, je ne sais pas, je ne comprends pas, je t'aime. It's my philosophy. I don't know why it all happened, I don't understand what's going on, I just need to love as much as possible. And I do. I have a lot of love to give, take as much as you want...
July 3 Ed: you seem to be feeling better, did you get some rest or did you work through it? Me: worked through it. Ed: you're not going to be able to do that when you're 82, you're going to have to call in sick. Me: thanks Ed, thanks for reminding me. I'm going to end up an old single lady working at Ozzie's with 18 cats at home. And Ed is going to end up an old single guy coming to Ozzie's with like 15 cats at home. God, I hope I'm joking. *Laughing* I'm going to bed. And I'm going to do my best to ignore the thunderstorm. I'm not going to say the thing that I said I wasn't ever going to say again, again, but I'm thinking it. Je ne sais pas, je ne comprends pas, je t'aime...
July 4 Last night was awesome. Total chaos. It's not unusual for there to be a line outside of Ozzie's on a "busy" night. But last night the line went down the block and around the corner. This pleases me. There was much drunken frivolity. Someone questioned my control of the "situation". *Laughing* Silly person. Becky said it before I did: this is what I live for. Last night definitely had the flavor of the old days. Everybody singing, dancing, spilling beer.... Can't move through the crowd without using your elbows. It was hot and sweaty (love that). And, of course, there was broken glass. Unfortunately, I cut two of my fingers (I've cut myself at Ozzie's many, many times). One isn't so bad but the other is quite bad. It happened at closing time. I put Band-Aids on the cuts, which helped with one finger but not the other. Totally useless. I needed to bandage that finger up, heavily. So, I'm in the employee bathroom and I realize that I can't bandage this finger up by myself. And who should appear at that precise moment? Who else? Ed. Ed: quit hogging the bathroom. Me: I need you to help me. He did a great job. I was able to clear and clean my area and clean the backbar area as well. I often do this. And I didn't have to worry about a bleeding finger. I looked at it when I got back here to Avalon. It's bad, but, I've had worse. I'll end up with another battle scar. Sweet! Yeah, so, the 4th. It's the anniversary of the day that changed my life. I guess I should mention that the ex and I are fine. It's not about him anymore. He's a good guy. And, hey, in my opinion, he did the world a favor. What I went through was awful but it might be the best thing that's ever happened to me. It's hard to explain. I'm me but better. Anyway, I'm off to bed. There are kisses for you, always...
July 5 I watched the fireworks with most of the staff. We walked across the street and down the block to see them. They were way better than what I witnessed last year. Anyway, when I got back here to Avalon I, for some reason, sought out a certain book. "Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair" by Pablo Neruda. An excerpt from "Every Day You Play": My words rained over you, stroking you. A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body. I go so far as to think that you own the universe. I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells, dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses. I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees. *Smiling* I'm sleepy. I just want to be cozy and naked, for hours and hours. ;)
July 6 Wow. My mind is full. So many things. Ozzie's, goats, The Bevis Frond, French bands, cats, my criteria, people that I see, people I need to see, places, stuff and Ed. I'm meeting up with him at Ozzie's this evening. Going in early. Working on Ozzie's stuff with Ed. *Laughing* I have got to do more research on Tonga. Note to self: establish escape plan. Excerpt from "Drunk With Pines": In the moist night my garment of kisses trembles charged to insanity with electric currents, heroically divided into dreams and intoxicating roses practising on me. :) To bed with me. Kisses and caresses to you...
July 7 Highlights: spending time with Ed at Ozzie's without loud music and drunk people, Dana giving me one of those hugs where he lifts me off the ground, really fun people and soldering. *Laughing* It's just like the old days. Well, not quite, my life is still totally messed up. Small steps. :) If I didn't have so much integrity my life would be so much easier. But if I didn't have The Bevis Frond my life would be so much harder.
July 8 I went and saw both Tor and Cam. Tor is taking care of my forgotten child, Arnold the Anole, as I am going away soon. So, I took Arnold over there. I already miss Arnold. I don't talk about him much and I actually don't even see him that much. I put water and food in his terrarium everyday but he's really good at hiding. Days can go by. After about 4 days I get worried and start moving plastic leaves around until I find him. And he always has the same look on his little face, like contempt mixed with disbelief. And my reaction is always the same, I apologize. Anyway, I don't really interact with Arnold but I love him. It was good seeing Tor. I see him more often than I do Cam because it's to Tor's house that my mail goes. Tor played me some early songs from The Shirelles and poured me a glass of wine. I then went to Cam's house (we all live in West Seattle by the way). As I arrived at Cam's I had a flashback. The night before I left for TX I went to see Tor and then I went to see Cam. But I reminded myself: tomorrow you're not going to TX, you're going to Ozzie's. So, I walk into Cam's house and he's sitting on the couch watching a Truffaut film. Goodness, could these two be easier to be around? I think not! Cam gave me a glass of scotch and we sat out on the deck. It was lovely. He had found some old photos, so we looked at those. From 2001. One is of me in front of the sunflowers that I grew and the other is of me at Wolfia's funeral. They weren't taken the same day but I'm wearing the same shirt. This shirt belongs to Cam. I asked him about it tonight: do you still have that shirt? He said yes, and that he should probably give it to me someday. It'd be awesome to be reunited with this shirt! I'm going to bed. I want to be naked and in bed for hours and hours, if not days..... Kisses.....
July 9 So, there was a guy in tonight from Portland. He comes up to Seattle on a regular basis, I told him to stop in again next time that he's up here. He said: yeah, definitely, you've got a great scene going on here. :) And Dizzle said something interesting to me tonight: it wasn't like this last night, why is it always chaotic when you're working? *Laughing* I'm going away for a bit. But when I get back, I've decided that I don't want a "social" life, working is a social thing anyway, I just want to work and sleep and enjoy quiet moments with Cam and Tor. I have a lot of work to do. I just want to do it. It won't always be this way. One day everything will be back to normal. And hopefully, I'll be able to find another me. But until then, I'll give Ozzie's all that I have. Blood, sweat, no tears though, my love, my laugh, my presence. "Friends say it's fine, friends say it's good, everybody says it's just like rock and roll"...
T-Rex - 20th Century Boy
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