END OF THE LINE

“Retired jocks don’t drop their balls, they sign your stuff, they open your malls!”Remember way, way back in the day, way the hell back when you were eleven, and you greedily clutched your hard-earned ToppsTM trading cards to your chest, doggedly working your jaws to somehow soften that paint-flavored wad of gum in your mouth, and you dared to dream, no, you ached to one day become a retired athlete just like Joe Garagiola ('Match Game PM') or even Don Drysdale, thespian, who so vividly played “Himself” on episodes of 'The Brady Bunch' and 'Lucas Tanner'?We don’t remember that either, but now, as we’ve reached the late-summer/early autumns of our lives and our penises continue to wither in the shadow of our ever-expanding guts, we’ve found that we’ve learned one thing down through the years and that thing is this:There’s a little Rosey Grier in all of us.And so in homage to these heroes of our youth, we’ve lovingly crafted END OF THE LINE, a salacious suburban romp which follows the sexual misadventures of five lascivious housewives…er…rather it’s the bittersweet tale of former golden boy Rod Roy, center for the Tallahasee Rage, whose intrinsic worth has been rendered negligible thanks to an unforgivable, absolutely fricking RETARDED, jaw-dropping, head-slapping, brain obliterating choke which sabotaged The Rage’s quest for its first Manley Cup and pretty much devastated the franchise FOREVER, may-as-well-just-sell-the-farm-call-it-a-day-everybody-just- pack-it-up-and-go-right-the-f*ck-home.Still with us?END OF THE LINE follows post-choke, failure-faced Rod, now employed as a ‘maintenance engineer’ at the ice arena, the very site of his fall from grace, as he tries to soldier onward and forget his tragic past. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, his next door neighbor in Foul Grounds, a gated community for retired athletes, is one Stu Pitt, the Man Of The Hour who carried the Oregon Muskrats to storied victory over The Rage on that evening that will live infamy, and has now charged himself with the task of creatively reminding Our Hero of exactly Who Won and Who Choked day after miserable, endless day.Depressed yet?Don’t be. Rod Roy’s legend lives on in a mall just outside Sandy Duncan, Florida, at A. D. Sports Collectibles. Here, Ralph Lucharello, a hairy, asthmatic Weeble, and his sole employee, Glen Jonhill, a putz with Vincent Van Gogh’s head, are Keepers Of The Crypt, Miners of Sportslore, Merchants of Signed Stuff. They breathe life into expired careers. They keep stuff signed and behind glass, right where signed stuff belongs. They bicker like lovers. It is here where Rod Roy meets his destiny: Ernie Gillis, third string Quarterback for the Wyoming Crickets. “The Jitterbug” is ingloriously retired but he is ‘mos’ definitely feelin’ it comin’ together’ despite the mismanagement of his vaguely literate agent, Sally Boy. Ernie’s career as a plastic vibrating ballplayer, unfazed by dwarfism and no face to speak of, might have been underwhelming but his afterlife endorsing sneakers and soda is just beginning, thanks to omnipresent marketing wunderkind, Ryan Mintcrest and His Dotted Bottom Line. Ernie’s chauffer, Bo Nose, keeps the dream alive by schlepping Ernie’s polymer-based ass back and forth, to and from ‘The Buzz’, his preferred club equipped with a palpitating dance floor, perfect for vibing with all the fine young fillies.Will Ernie inspire Rod Roy back to greatness? Will Spank Cola restore Ernie’s place in the public eye with a fat contract? How long can Glen Jonhill withstand Ralph Lucharello’s pungent b.o.? Is Stu Pitt a sociopathic virgin? Can Sally Boy crayon a lucrative deal for Rod Roy? How can a flat Canuck get laid in this day and age of speed dating? Why does Ashlee Simpson still have a career? Where’d ya go, Joe Garagiola? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you! ..