I was born 5,000 Leagues below the sea to a sperm whale and a nurse shark. Although my parents were marine animals, I was human, so when my head first popped out of Mother's womb, the water stifled my breath, and I was forced to surface in order to survive. Leaving my parents was a difficult choice, but I figured the rents would rather have me survive than stay on the murky ocean bottom and die a horrible drowning death. Dad, the sperm whale, made a big wet fart on Mom's dorsal find as I was leaving the ocean that day. It's funny how you remember little things like this after a traumatic experience. After doing the breaststroke all the way to India and meeting with a Swami about religious matters, I decided to become a dot head because I thought I was still a virgin. It somehow slipped my mind that I had sex with a sea snake soon after birth because I was so intoxicated with water in my lungs that I forgot about the experience. To this day, I continue to receive child support payment invoices from that damn sea snake for a bunch of little sea-snake tykes that drink beer & watch Jerry Springer all day. Last I heard, Timmy, my six year old snake, was failing Math and hadn't learned to read yet. After leaving India, I took a plane to antartica, where I teamed up with the theater Rock band, GWAR, and made plans to take over the world. We decided to overthrow the American government and implement a totalitarian state where I would be the new dictator. However, before our grandiose plans could be realized, I smoked too much crack one night, and I mistakenly sucked off Oderus' cuttlefish. The cuttlefish blew a load so powerful in my mouth that it blew the back of my head off, so part of my brain stem exploded out into the arctic waters, and a Polar bear ate it for dinner. GWAR sent my icy-cold body, almost lifeless and near death, to Mt. Sinai hospital in Beverly Hills, CA where I underwent a brain implant operation using Britney Spears' bipolar brain as a replacement. During a particularly intense psychotic manic episode that lasted about six months, I decided that I wanted to emulate the founding Fathers of America, so I moved to Philadelphia where I'd be closer to the location where Jefferson penned the constitution. I'm currently recovering from a manic-depressive breakdown, so I'm living on welfare and applying for Social Security disability because I'm frankly too fucked up to work a real job. The last time I had a bipolar episode, I thought I was Jesus, and I took a bath in the delaware river because I needed to purify myself in a baptism ritual; then I was hospitalized by the police because I offended and shocked the local fisherman with my naked butt. I got kicked out of Temple University's Computer Science program because Microsoft discovered I was trying to revolutionize the software industry with free software; Bill Gates personally called my professors to sabotage my career. I transferred to the most humiliating of schools of higher education, DeepFry University (DeVry), where the curriculum, at best, prepares you for a life-long career in the fast-food restaruant business. I'm looking forward to a McDonald's career, actually :) I figure I'll start on lettuce, move up to the fryer, and who knows, with a lot of luck, I might even make it to assistant manager some day! McDonald's pays so poorly that I'll never be able to afford gas for my car, but at least I'll get to wear a paper hat and work with retards! "Would you like some fries with that?"
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