Urinal Cake

I have decided to make this myspace account to tell the world about our kind. W e have suffered decades of abuse and neglect and we all hope to end this nonsense. We work 24 hours a day to better your lives and many of you have never thought twice about us. Unfortunately, the ones who do give us any thought end up being the ones who inflict horrible atrocities against us. Many of us have been senselessly taken from our homes and placed in frat house sinks or under pillows of your smelly roommates. In addition, you all know of the recent tragedies of some of us being eaten alive by urinal cake connoisseurs. Folks, we are not the new fad in tasty treats, nor are we the inexpensive gag for your next prank, we are REAL urinal cakes and we have feelings too.

We selflessly work non stop, ridding your public restrooms of urine odor and replacing it with the sweet smell that you have known for years. That smell that you can relish 30 feet into the local pub with a good tailwind. Just like you, we come in a variety of different colors, scents, shapes and sizes all to make your urinating experience a little more pleasurable. And what do we get in return for so eagerly accepting your golden shower? The ones who are lucky only have to deal with cigarette butts, the occasional turd, bubble gum, and other small amounts of litter. The unfortunates have been eaten alive, some have been hijacked by collectors, while others have even been brutally killed by gay voyeur website owners. These savages drill holes right through us and let us die slowly in order to insert microscopic cameras into us for their internet porn extravaganza. Sick BASTARDS!

..[if !supportEmptyParas]So, the next time you see one of my friends, whether he be blue, purple, pink or white, please remember all the good we do for your kind and please follow these simple guidelines:

This may look awesome to some of you who don't have an ongoing relationship with vaginas, but this gal pinched a hot steamy one right on my friend Clyde! Don't be overwhelmed by your urges to laugh and stare at these types. Remove these perpetrators immediately and report them to the authorities!

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Common Urinal & Urinal Cake Etiquette:

Do not sneak glances at your neighbor's urinal cake. (see above) He may think you are checking out his penis No turds in the urinal please. Please refrain from sitting on the urinal because it can cause the male brain to malfunction and many men are overcome by the sudden urge to pinch a loaf on us. Do not let your girlfriend aim her stream at us. It’s degrading to your sacred resting area and it also pisses off my friend “Urinal Mat” and my closest friend “The Urinal” Let the females pee all over their own restroom. Plus, the gals like to wipe and throw their TP on us! Do not photograph us while we are hard at work Do not engage in deep conversation with your neighbor. Weather or sports talk is acceptable Do not touch us Do not spit loogies on us Please keep the vomit in the toilet Keep it clean, flush regularly Report all Urinal Cake-abductions to your local authorities or feel free to take the matter into your own hands. Do not eat us And DO NOT ever refer to us as “Urinal Mints” or “Deodorant Blocks”

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Shown below (Exhibit A) is an old school Urinal Cake. Notice how it is vulnerable to brutal savages. One could easily take a bite out of that beautiful pink pearl or perhaps slip it into the secret pocket of their London Fog or Members Only jacket. Today's Urinal cakes (Exhibit B) are designed by the International Center for Urinal Cake Protection and are housed in a handy web of plastic which not only protects my friend "The Urinal" from being clogged by litter or turds, but also deters theft and other atrocities. Its large size prevents it from being stashed in those awesome secret jacket pockets and it's plastic webbing doubles as a fortress of protection for us cakes. Removal of the cake itself now requires modern tools and a little bit of mechanical dexterity. If you do happen to run across a cake resembling Exhibit A, please reassure the cake that everything will be ok and contact the ICUCP immediately.

Here's a pic of a sick savage munching down on my dear friend Fred. Be on the look out for these guys and administer swirlies if deemed necessary.

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..[endif] Thank you and I hope to absorb your asparagus ridden urine stench soon!