all-consuming albeit somewhat self-destructive crushes, artifice, being self-absorbed and solipsistic but in an endearing way, being trippindicular, being your secret hater , boys who use big words, broken word, cadmium red, celesta danger type lighting, challenging conversations , chas ray krider's photographs, chaos, charcoal, charlotte light and dark , christine vachon's production skills, claire fisher’s inadvertent sex appeal, curt wild's gold glitter shaker, deja-vu lust attacks, deus ex machinas , direct eye contact, documenting your demise , driving at night, etiologies, euonyms, fissilingual wit and cleverness, flammable skirts, french poetry, funny boys, garage sales, getting what i want then never wanting it again, grammatical snobbery, gromentating, hard girls who bruise easily, hardwood floors, internal macros , interrobangs, interrupted girls, invisible signs of my own , lame jokes, languages, legal minutiae, libraries, lofts, lord henry, macguyverism, manipulated stares, mannequins, marginalia, me without you , mind vs. brain, mise en scenes, mock stars in wigs and eyeliner, mod podge, motel fetish, nerdlies, night journeys, ninja pep talks, noir archetypes, observing, obsessing , omitted details, oogifletzet, open windows, overanalyzing, palm trees, pathological lust necropsy lists, peacock feathers, pens, perfect saturdays and sundays, persistence, philosophy's cinnamon buns, phoebe's broken record, poison in the human machine , prolonged orgasms, propounded vituperation, provoking, psychology, pthalo blue, remembering, resurrections, retail therapy, rhinestones, rocket queens, rotary phones and antique typewriters, safety pins, saying something scandalous just as the music stops, seduction theory , sequins, sexually perverse photography involving tennis rackets, sleeping, smelling like vanilla, oranges and dark chocolate, or lemon meringue, stalkering, stand-up comedians, strip croquet, sub rosa prevarication , suffixes, surtitles and subtitles, taking two consecutive left steps, talking hard, that oily james spader sort of charm, the back of your neck, the basic eight , the courtesan tales, the hungarian pill bugs from pixar's bug's life, the navidson record, the ocean, the panda place, the victorian era, theory, thrift store finds, thundercats ho!, todd haynes, todd sparrow angst, trampy unicorns, traveling and unraveling, turpentine, tylenol, untrendy retroisms, used book stores, vade mecums, vixanne wigg, wigs, waking up and being able to go back to sleep, wanting things i cannot have, warm breezes, wishing on license plates, xeroxed zines, ziggy the zebra and zines that make me feel like i'm 15 again.
Anyone who writes me one of those eloquent "HAY GURL WHA'T SUP U B HOT hit me UP. luff to C U" msgs. God those are sexy. They just make me want to rip off my clothes and scream out "LET'S TOUCH PARTS!"
The fast ones who ride for free.
Someone who goes through my record collection, takes out my favorite CD, and then fast forwards to the one song I don't like.
Someone who can show me the literary equivalent of Stendhal's syndrome.
Someone who knows how to speak in parentheses.
Someone like you.
You believe in post hoc ergo propter hoc.
You wonder what is behind the yellow wallpaper.
You write things in the dark after 4am.
You don't give a shit about astrology. You don't preach, use phrases like "blessed be" or wax pseudophilosophical about the Universe unless you are talking about science. You aren't sycophantic or duplicitous. You're not an alcoholic* or stoner. And you aren't desperate for approval; willing to assimilate to your surroundings.
If you are any of those things then please don't waste my time or yours. (However, I can steer you in the direction of some people with whom you would probably get along famously.)
If, on the other hand, you have a personality, can hold a conversation of substance, are cynical or sarcastic, and have various interests then I could probably stand to be around you.
Above all things, please don't be average.
And for fuck's sake please know how to spell.
Call me on my shit. Show me one thing in this world that is new or what it claims to be. Impress me already.
*If you are a functional alcoholic who is already my friend then you're ok. Stop fretting. I less than three you.
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I am also VERY interested in the broken, damaged goods, marked down to at least 50% off. Captivating distractions. The Girl (or Boy) in the Flammable Skirt. Veronica Sawyers who have some follow through. Riot Grrrls. DIYers. Thrift store dykes. Girls with stacks of makeup and cassettes. Boys with comics and sketch books. People who fondly remember Sassy Magazine and Ben is Dead.
The person who will have such a profound effect on my life that everything will subsequently fall into one of two categories: Before or After.
The ones that can keep me entertained until the aforementioned one makes his or her entrance.
What it comes down to is that when I was a kid my father found a turtle by the side of the highway and brought it home for me. My mother ran over it in her wheelchair and my dad promptly tossed it into the woods behind our house.
At this point, I guess I'm just looking for someone who wont run over my turtle, toss it into the woods, or bring me one in the first place.
The list, it's back again:
Angelo Badalamenti, Ani Difranco, Beastie Boys, Beth Hart , Beth Orton, Big Mama Thornton, Bile, Blackboard Jungle , Black Crowes, Bon Jovi , Buckcherry, Bullets and Octane, Candlebox, Cat Power, Concrete Blond, Delerium, Depeche Mode, Dink, Dramarama, EMF, Etta James, Firehouse, Foreigner, 4 Non Blondes, George Michael , GnR , Golden Palominos, Great White, Green River, Hard 'n Phirm, Hanoi Rocks, Heart, Hednoize, Hole, Hooverphonic, Jeff Buckley, Journey, Julian Cope, Juliette and the Licks , Junkyard, Kronos Quartet, L.A. Guns, Led Zeppelin , Leftfield, Leonard Cohen, Linda Perry , Lo Fi All Stars, Lobe, Lords of Acid , Lucinda Williams, Machines of Loving Grace , Massive Attack, Mazzy Star, Mickey Avalon, Miles Davis, Mother Love Bone , Motley Crue , My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, Nina Simone, Ofra Haza, Peaches, old school Pearl Jam (I fucking LOVE those b-sides and bootlegs circa Ten),Poets and Pornstars, Ours, Patti Smith, Peaches , Peggy Lee, Pink, Poem Adept, Poison, Polly Jean Harvey , Portishead , Prince, Quarterflash, Rancid, Recoil, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Revolting Cocks, Sarah Brightman, Scorpions, Simply Red and Wham! (because I am a gay man), Sinead O'Conner, Sir Mix-a-Lot, Sister Machine Gun , Skid Row, Skinny Puppy, Skin Tripp, Snog, Soundgarden, Substitutes, Susan Tedeschi, Tchaikovsky, Tears for Fears, Temple of the Dog, The Carpenters, The Crystal Method, The Reprobates , The Runaways, The Shins, The Stooges, Tori , Traci Lords, Vast, Vivaldi, Warrant, Whitesnake, Whitestarr.
200 Cigarettes. 32 Short Films about Glen Gould. Aimee und Jaguar. All Over Me. American Beauty. Bandits (German prison punk rock girls movie not the Bruce Willis American one) Being at Home with Claud. Being John Malkovich. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. Blue Velvet. Character. Closer. Corrina, Corrina. Dark City. Die, Mommie, Die! Dodgeball. Dot the i. Double Indemnity . Down & Out With The Dolls (this made the list just for being such an awesomely bad movie). Equilibrium. Fight Club . Finding Nemo. Galaxy Quest . Ghost World. Giraffes. Heathers . Heavenly Creatures. Home for the Holidays. House of 1000 Corpses. Hurly Burly. Hysterical Blindness. I Shot Andy Warhol. J'en Suis. Kiss Me Deadly. Laurel Canyon. Love and Death on Long Island. Me Without You. Mullholland Dr. Natural Born Killers . Nowhere. (I used to really hate the Araki films. Now, not so much.) Office Space. otnemeM. Paycheck. Poison Ivy. Prey for Rock and Roll. Psycho Beach Party. Pump Up The Volume. Rear Window. Remember The Titans. Rockstar. Rodger Dodger. Safe. Secretary. Showgirls. Show Me Love. Singin' in the Rain. Singles. Strange Days. Sunset Blvd. Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story. Tank Girl. The 13th Floor. The Anniversary Party. The Cider House Rules. The Devil's Advocate. The Governess. The Killing Club. The Red Violin. The Shape of Things. The Sound of Music. This is Spinal Tap. Twin Falls Idaho. Vampyros Lesbos. Velvet Goldmine . Vertigo. Wet Hot American Summer. What About Bob? White Christmas. Working Girl. xx/xy. Young Frankenstein. Zoolander.
...help youself to the scotch on the night table and have a seat on the bed...
Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Colbert Report, Comedy Central Presents, Daily Show, Drawn Together, Family Guy, Film School, House, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Nip/Tuck, Rescue Me, Roseanne, Simpsons, Six Feet Under, The L Word, The Office.
Right now I don't have a TV. Well I have one, but it gets no reception. I have placed in front of it a red laquer platter with a blue vase enclosing a bouquet of wooden birds of paradise. It is the best thing I've watched all year. (Sorry Krasinski)
A.M. Homes. Aimee Bender. Andrea Seigel. Anne Lamott. Barry Graham. Benjamin Weissman. Beth Nugent. Blake Nelson. Christine Vachon. Christopher Nolan. Chuck Klosterman . Chuck Palahniuk. Craig Clevenger. Daniel Handler . Darcey Steinke. Dennis Cooper. Eileen Myles. Elissa Nelson. Elizabeth Crane . Ellen Miller. Ellyn Maybe. Ethan Hawke. Francesca Lia Block . Heather Lewis. Henri Barbusse. Henry Rollins. Jacqueline Susann. James Mottram. Janet Fitch. Jay McInerney. Jeffrey Eugenides. Jeffrey McDaniel. Joy Nicholson. Kathy Acker. Leslie Stella. Lorrie Sprecher. Lynne Tillman. Lynne Truss. Mark Z. Danielewski . Maxx Barry. Michelle Tea. Nicole Blackman. Oscar Wilde. Pagan Kennedy. Richard Christian Matheson. Sandra Bernhard. Scarlett Thomas. Stephen Chbosky. Steve Almond . Steve Martin. Susanna Kaysen. Thea Hillman. Thisbe Nissen . Tiffanie DeBartolo. Todd Haynes. Tod Goldberg. Tony Kushner. William Sutcliffe.
The Penelope Ashes of this world...
And of course, The DSM-IV, The PDR, and a reliable dictionary and thesaurus.
..
Girl B and her black cotton mafia:
Barnaby R. Caspian, Billy Chenowith, Christian Troy, Donnie Darko, Dr. Gregory House, E. Edward Grey, Jason "J.D." Dean, John Dolan Vincent, Johnny Truant, Lenny Nero, Leonard Shelby, Patrick Bateman, Philo Gant, The protagonist of L'enfer as written by Henri Barbusse, The protagonist of Shella as written by Andrew Vachss.