Northwood - ProfilesArchive

About Me

Every once in a blue moon, the world opens up and spits out a miracle. This was not the case when I was born... my mom shot me out in 2.2 seconds with enough PSI to leave a welt in an iron cookie sheet the size of a gorilla's fist! I'm an outgoing, intelligent, sexy guy with a GREAT sense of humor. Other than that, I'm really ugly. I can barely read, write or type. My IQ is fairly low, but I think the test is biased toward smart people. If you tell me you'll buy lunch, I'll accept without saying, "Nah, I got it." I don't bruise easily and I never have to breathe. Any time someone asks me about my "you know what", I laugh and laugh...because I honestly don't know what they're talking about. I don't believe in the caste system and I've never bartered anyone down at a bazaar offering only my conch shells. I've had my share of run-ins with the 'hoodlums, derelicts & punks of the Streetz' and let me tell you, they have no memory of it. Not a fan of cats, but I heard the musical was alright. I am an artist. I am full of love. I am a singer in a hard rock band. I can pop your firestone tires by just looking at them. I think ramen should be even cheaper. I wear more collared shirts than t-shirts. If I could be anywhere right now I'd be in your arms, panting like a Standard Schnauzer after I "ran the course" in your back yard. I can "give you five". I can sit. If you point anywhere, I will look in that direction for you. And while I'm at it, I might as well open up to you and get down to the heart of the matter... I am in total control of your situation.

My Interests

Dive bars, singing, laughing, writing, orchestrating, watching b-movies, horror/suspense films, eclectic music, hidden things, coffee, Gina Gershon, urban adventures, staying in shape, running, zombies, drawing/sketching, filnbirb, pnegehjulening, creating words, imitations. The usual. I am the singer in a hard rock band and I also direct, write and edit films/sketch comedy skits. I try to always stay creative, so I surround myself with lots of projects. It's what I love, so it doesn't wear me down. You wanna discover more? Contact me to enter the exciting world of Matt...

I'd like to meet:

Right up front, anyone who can honestly tell me what it sounds like...when doves cry. Anyone with lava scars, but they still have to be sexy. Women who love comfort food. Men with pituitary disorders and monolith heads. Anyone who can tell the difference between a pteranodon and a pterodactal. That italian pizza chef named, "Chjimmy" who said, "Nuuuuttin'?" in the Poly-O String Cheese commercial in 1988.

Check out this video: Winded

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Music:

Mr. Bungle, Tomahawk, Fantomas, Lovage, Faith No More, Mike Patton, Rahzel, Radiohead, Tipsy, Filter, Secret Cheifs 3, Stone Temple Pilots, Nine Inch Nails, Foo Fighters, Coldplay, Stabbing Westward, The Dreaming, Audioslave, Flaming Lips, V.A.S.T., Orange Whip, David Bowie, Yes, The Beatles, The Who, Alice In Chains, Phish, Bjork, Live, Toad The Wet Sprocket, Jane's Addiction, Porno For Pyros, Jason Harrod and Brian Funck, Eenik, Dan The Automator, Tori Amos, Enya, Kraftwerk, Aphex Twin, Chris Isaak, Kronos Quartet, Smashmouth, John Zorn, Danny Elfman, Air, The Police, Beck, Tweaker, Chris Vrenna, DJ Shadow, Gorilaz

Movies:

The Big Lebowski, Mulholland Drive, The Professional, Wet Hot American Summer, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, Begotten, Donnie Darko, The Shining, Dumb & Dumber, Phantasm, Deliverance, Seven, Footework, In The Mouth Of Madness, Hellraiser (I, II), Horror movies that have more practical FX than CGI!

Television:

Mr. Show, The State, Reno 911, Arrested Development, The Family Guy, Twin Peaks, 24, The Office, Conan O'Brien, The Commons, Da ALi G Show, The Daily Show, Aqua Teen Hunger Force!

Books:

The Theif Of Always, The Damnation Game, The Hellbound Heart, State By State: By The State, How To Guarantee She Just Had An Orgasm And Wasn't Faking, The Onion's Finest News Reporting, The Retard's Guide To Genius Clip Art, Essential Clive Barker: Selected Fiction, When Your Bank Says No...Champion Says Yes!

Heroes:

Mike Patton, Andrew Wyeth, Francis Bacon, Clive Barker

My Blog

My Name

When I was told that if I had been born a girl, my name would have been Mildred, I cried. Not because of the name selection. But because I had no idea why the mailman was telling me this.
Posted by Northwood on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Waking Up

Whenever I wake up in the arms of another faceless woman, it kind of freaks me out, because, you know, I'd like to kiss her in the mouth and stuff.
Posted by Northwood on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

President

If I were President of the United States, I'd fix things really fast. I'd begin with cleaning up the bathroom, then I'd move on to dusting the office, no, the bedroom. Yeah, then I'd do the office. ...
Posted by Northwood on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Cheese

My favorite cheese is the kind that whenever you eat it, you become a millionaire. But I guess it would kinda suck if I were a billionaire and then I ate that cheese.
Posted by Northwood on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Dinosaur

Of all of the creatures in the world, I would want to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Then nothing could kill me. I'd probably say something like, "Hey everyone! Look at me, I'm a Tyrannosaurus Rex! Hey y...
Posted by Northwood on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

FBI

I used to want to join the FBI until I actually joined them. Now I only dream about becoming a CIA operative. I bet when I join the CIA I'll probably just want something else I don't have....
Posted by Northwood on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Sales

Whenever I see a store sign with "EXTRAVAGANZA BLOWOUT SALE!", it always makes me wonder why they're even having a sale. I mean, come on... who buys vaganzas? And why have an ext...
Posted by Northwood on Tue, 07 Feb 2006 06:20:00 PST

Crystal Ball

If I had a real crystal ball, I'd sell it. THEN I'd have a fortune.
Posted by Northwood on Sun, 28 Aug 2005 09:15:00 PST

Coffee

I don't really know much about coffee, except that it's really hot, and it can scald your lap and make you infertile. Maybe that's why the ladies don't let me take them home after dinner...they ...
Posted by Northwood on Fri, 11 Aug 2006 11:13:00 PST

My Grandmother

My grandmother says that in the olden days, she had to walk ten miles to school through six feet of snow and it was uphill both ways. She also says, "stamp the gravy lice!" when she means 'I love you'...
Posted by Northwood on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST