Hooch

I Drink Windex,suck the eyes out of new born puppies,buy porn for children,set homeless people on fire,have no regard for spelling and/or grammer,not above kicking your niece in the box,will soak a sirloin in anti-freeze and feed it to your dog, leave the house only to kill,refer to my stalking as "remote love", steal those little white crosses and wreaths from the side of the highway, am the object of desire of a rather large and randy retarded man,club babies,steal mothers allowance cheques, hate the blind,steal wheelchairs,beat the fuck out of every amish person I see,leave the seat up,carry a copy of Catcher in the Rye at all times,trample the elderly,sodomize the dead,prey on the weak,hijack the Dickie Dee when I can,leave my cell phone on in the theatre,laugh at severe burn victims,pork those that suffer from progeria,pick fights with block parents,lure little kids into my white van,put razor blades in candy apples,sit in with The Legendary Klopeks on occasion,wear white after Labour Day,expose myself to invalids,date rape every night of the week,give my mom a fat lip,go outside in my socks,shit upholstery nails,told the judge to "suck my dick",snort kerosine,play the accordian like a motherfucker,can eat my weight in taquitos,have penis that is 2" long but 58" wide (it looks like a sewer lid made of meat),have my pancreas pierced,worship at the alter of Col.Harland Sanders,pissed on Elvis' grave,told Queen Elizabeth II to show me her tits (true story),deep fry everything,run with scissors,live la vida loca,heckle pan handlers,vomit from the balcony,put turpintine on my cats asshole,killed Johnny cash,know all the words to every Morrisey song,mix paper and plastic,loosen the wheels off of 18 wheelers,visit catatonic women in the hospital posing as a relative and then I grope their unconsious boobies!,was in the kitchen with Dinah, have no guilt reflex,invite you to suck my ass,shot a man in the face for admitting to being a Doctor Who fan,feed alkaseltzer to seagulls,voted Reform party,think The Clash suck, set old folks homes ablaze, feed babys to the hogs while their bones are soft,hate you,cheat at solitiare,know when to fold'em,can execute one HELL of a loon call,hate The Darkness, wipe my ass with the pages of ancient holy texts, fell madly,hopelessly in love with a girl who not only doesnt take my shit but calls me on everything, taught Bukowski how to drink, channel the soul of Paul Lynde, told Terry Fox to quit..and the fucker listend, fucked your invalid mom in her colostomy bag hole, Dont tell anyone but some nights i used to secretly play lead guitar for the Creepshow...usually from a remote location and without their actual consent, eat vegans,shit in OTHER peoples pants, started playing rock and roll for the sole purpose of loading, unpacking and packing gear, still have 6 pounds of Bobby Picton's best whore-fed bacon in my freezer, wrote the Mcain's Pizza Pockets jingle, i'm the one that loosens the lid on the salt shakers, fucked your girlfriend and im the one she thinks about when shes fucking you, belong to the loyal order of the white squirrle, go to house parties and shit in the tanks of toilets as a rule,laugh like hell at old ladies that cant open the manual doors at the mall,sometimes i run around with a live chicken in my pants and it claws and pecks at me, loom about in the misty woods and peer at you just beyond your backyard, i read lips, i am master lurker,sometimes i sit outside of women's shelters screaming "NORRENE!!!...you can RUN but you can't HIDE!!..", I leave cupboard doors open and scatter random scaps of paper about my apartment just to make jen nuts, I write and average of 45 songs a day and some of them arent even about child molestation, went to europe to realize my life-long dream to live in Formula One hotels for a week and eat schnitzel, smoke the odd ciggerette to remind myself how gay sean mcnab is, i am the top suspect in the 'who is the voice of johnny boner' case, consistantly goad entire rooms of people twice my size to fight me only to have them run screaming in terror into the night..or is that laughter?... i am an extreme left winger with severe right wing leanings that im not proud of, I rode through the Salinas Valley in California and got the full grasp of all the Steinbeck works... and nobody gave a fuck, i've read Bleak House all the way through...and lived, I know what i have and if you even hint at trying to take it from me... i am the most vengful and creative prick you will have EVER had this misfortune to fuck with, wrote a book called Hooch's Guitar Manifesto and its a practical guide on how to get on the road to not sucking at guitar, I can impregnate with merely a glance,would fill my own mouth with shit just to spit it in your face, would slit my throat just to ruin your upholstery,can learn to play any intrumnet by simply looking at it, and I play in the worlds's greatest a Lucifarian gospel band The Matadors

THE MATADORS @ BMEFEST 2006: