I Like Mustard profile picture

I Like Mustard

Elle and Paulina. Elle and Paulina.

About Me



Comedy Central Clip

Holy shit, I am so smart! Seriously! Thank you Google. I try to deliver when it comes to finger-humping. Rumple makes me gag. I have trouble expressing feelings. Luby's mac and cheese is awesome; I am it's bitch. I secretly love JT's Rock Your Body, but would never admit it. I am rational to a fault. I turn people on to new foods. I laugh at inappropriate moments. You know that 'whatever' you totally want? Well, I already have one. It pay$ to be rich.

My Interests

Sneaking One-Hits in the Green Room, Doin it (and doin it (and doin it well)), Finding New Street Art, One Upping All of Your Interests (you fucking loser!), Pretending I Have a Doctor's Appointment and then Pissing Away the Afternoon, iPod + Public Transpo = Dollar Entertainment, Writing Fake 'Big Ups' Letters to Bill O'Reilly, Watching Bill Read My Fake Letter On-Air, Trying to Not Get Smoke in Your Eyes, Feeling Superior, Eating All This Fucking Candy, and Counting All My Money

I'd like to meet:

All my Triple Crown hopes: Smarty Jones, Menarchos, War Emblem, and Funny Cide. I'd have them to dinner. And then tie their hooves together and make them fight to the death with butter knives. Just like in the 'Beat It' video. The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear. I might also do the same thing with the 'Other Guys' from Pet Shop Boys, Wham!, Tears for Fears, and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Music:

Too busy counting money and eating candy to listen to music.

Movies:

I'm pretty much over the whole DP thing, and I just trashed most of my "7 the hard way" Euro-series (what's with the fucking tennis shoes?), but I'm really starting to enjoy the creampie stuff. And amateurs, of course.

Television:

Trigger Happy TV, The Office, People's Court, The O'Reilly Factor

Books:

Diary of an Underacheiver, Donald Bartheleme short stories, Get Your War On

Heroes:

The Guy Who's Fucking Ann Coulter (Holy shit, dude! How you must giggle when you're done.)

My Blog

Election years ROCK!

Best Amendment Ever!Dear Knee-Jerk America,Check out this article once you're done Googling those Nicole Kidman-Keith Urban wedding photos.Your friend,Maybe more,Matt Bearden...
Posted by I Like Mustard on Tue, 27 Jun 2006 10:52:00 PST

Yes/No?

Greatest ever?
Posted by I Like Mustard on Mon, 08 May 2006 03:00:00 PST

Remember O.H.W. anyone?

My friend to the north, Mr. Doublin, really has his finger on the pulse. Check out some of the old One Hit Wonder sketches on his site. The Seagull is a particular favorite of mine....
Posted by I Like Mustard on Wed, 12 Apr 2006 10:41:00 PST

In case you miss the Bulletin

I recommend about 2 comedy shows a year. Yep, that's it. This in spite of the fact that on any given night, a good talented friend of my is performing. Is it because I'm a dick? No. Rather, instea...
Posted by I Like Mustard on Thu, 30 Mar 2006 10:16:00 PST

Thank you...once again.

Hooray! We had 195 winners come out for last week's show, including goalline superstar Stonie Clark! Good gawd and thank you! Thanks as well to the prize donations! We gave away jewelry from ...
Posted by I Like Mustard on Mon, 20 Feb 2006 10:53:00 PST

Holy Toledo! GameShow! loves you...

I don't really know who Jessica Thornton is, or where she came from... Thanks to all who came out to GameShow! Sneak Preview! We managed to give away just over $100 in cash, drinks, and prizes. ...
Posted by I Like Mustard on Sun, 29 Jan 2006 08:38:00 PST

GameShow! Live!

I really think this is going to be fantastic! I haven't been this excited for a project since I was hired to run Ohio's voting machines. Real challenges, real prizes, real winners! The Price is Righ...
Posted by I Like Mustard on Mon, 23 Jan 2006 07:59:00 PST

This will be fantastic. Seriously.

As a dude, you've already seen the ads and ignored them. That's why I'm writing this alert. This Sunday, the 13th, is the third annual Stitch fashion show and Crafty Whoo-ha-ha Thing. Obviously yo...
Posted by I Like Mustard on Sat, 12 Nov 2005 04:51:00 PST

I be gettin my fuck on to some mad jams.

What I be playin when I be stones deep in yo' v'jay. Mad JAMS!
Posted by I Like Mustard on Wed, 09 Nov 2005 08:53:00 PST

Dear Matt -

Dear Matt, I hear your little remodeling project is going much slower than planned. Word on the street is, you're in way over your head. Just Wondering, Us ************************** Dea...
Posted by I Like Mustard on Thu, 20 Oct 2005 08:42:00 PST