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Minerva von Twatwaffle

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About Me

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My Interests



It’s all about Da Blogs!

Sarah's Story

I'm bringing SNIRFL back

Return of the Psycho

I think my head is cracking open (and other signs that my life is falling apart)

Tina and The Black Death

What do you love most about Minerva?

The Beginner’s Guide to Sex with Minerva (or The Six Erogenous Zones Tag)

Satan's Personal Fluffer

"Tuesday's Toe Catastrophe" and "Five Dollars?! Oh, FUCK no!"

Porn Careers Exposed - Part 4: Types of Porn

In regards to last night...

Flappy, flappy. Jizz, jizz.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

I don’t know why she swallowed…

And the Official Goddess Fluffers are...

Minerva writes a song? (otherwise known as: I am super awesome)

Vote for your favorite Goddess Fluffer HERE! - VOTING ENDS AT MIDNIGHT (PST)

Goddess Fluffer Finalists - Day 2

Goddess Fluffer Finalists Contest

What Smells In Here?

The One Where Minerva Gets Kicked Out Of An Adult Video Store

Minerva Gets Turned On

Day 3 of The Goddess Fluffer Search

Do YOU Have What It Takes To Be A Goddess Fluffer? (Day 2)

Fluffer Friday

Internet Pheromones?

Yo blog is so stupid...(May edition)

Insanity '08 - Important Political Announcement

You’ve been SNIRFL’d

If you ask Minerva…(May Edition)

Intervention

Minerva and the Psycho

The Top Ten Places To Abandon Your Kids Or The Elderly

Crossroads

Sex, Drinks, and Rock N Roll – A Contest

If I Say It’s About Blowjobs, Will You Read It?

Minerva and The Machete

Tagged By A Madman!

2:07pm Friday Afternoon

Minerva Goes To The Honky Tonk (My Friends Obviously Hate Me)

Porn Careers Exposed – Part 3

Worst Drivers: Blind Old Lady…

Minerva and Superfly

A Music Blog (aka I’m drunk)

If You Ask Minerva…(April Edition)

Porn Careers Exposed – Part 2

Yo blog is so stupid…(April Edition)

Porn Careers Exposed – Part 1

I am a better driver than you

The Top Ten Best April Fool’s Day Jokes In History

Infamous Inkblot Game (March Edition)

Dear Buy.com

Too Much Information

I May Be Half Irish But…

Yo Blog Is So Stupid…(March Edition)

A Camp Story

A Tribute To The Crazy Fucks I Call My Readers

Well, It’s Friday Night On A Saturday

If You Ask Minerva…(March Edition)

A Day In The Life

To the dimwitted prickwad owner of the silver Touareg…

Anal Peas and Other Anal Food Fetishes

Infamous Inkblot Game (February Edition)

10+ Things You Never Wanted To Know About Me

If You Ask Minerva…(February Edition)

You Know you're anal retentive when...

The How-To Guide To Putting Peanut Butter In Your Ass

I Have Been Assaulted!

I’ll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours

That Crazy Bitch Hid Chicken In My Radiator!

Myspace Moods

The Skinhead Demons Story

Don’t Be A Menace To Ambler While Drinking Juice In The Hood

A Story of Woe

Why Don’t You Take 12 Steps Off A Fucking Cliff?

..

I'd like to meet:

If you absolutely have to know something about me:

- Some people think that I'm a bitch. This usually occurs when they do not agree with something I say or write. What it says to me is that you don't "get" me and that's OK. Move on, ignore me, whatever. Don't bother me about it. I'm still going to be able to sleep tonight.

- I consider myself smarter than you. If you think you are smarter than me, you are stupid. I rest my case. I am a stupid-ist; that is, I am prejudiced against stupid people. Unfortunately, most of the world makes up this group.

- If you've known me for any length of time, you know that I often twirl my curly locks between my fingers. Contrary to popular belief, I do this when I'm feeling relaxed and content, not when I am feeling anxious.

- Don't insult my intelligence and don't be extraordinarily stupid. You'll only piss me off.

- The candy I most resemble is an M and M. I have a hard, shiny exterior and a soft, gooey middle.

- The only kind of diet soda that tastes any good (and anything like its regular counterpart) is Diet Dr. Pepper. I drink it by the gallon.

- Please know that I don't care if you are offended by any of my opinions. They are my opinions to have and not yours to judge. I am allowed to express any opinion I would like to express and you are allowed to disagree. If you decide that you want to express your disagreement with me in a public forum, be prepared for a verbal flogging unlike anything you've ever experienced before.

- I have great hair. Nuff said.

- My biggest fear is dying. When I was ten years old, a friend told me that being dead was like sleeping. That scared the ever-lovin shit out of me.

- I hate football, basketball, baseball, hockey and all other organized sports. I don't see the point and I don't find it entertaining.

- I generally dislike most people. Sure, after I get to know you a bit I might find some redeeming qualities about you, but I like myself much more than I like most anybody else, so you've got some stiff competition, if you know what I mean.

- People always miss my softer side, so I don't expect you to see it either. Maybe it's because I don't show it often, but even the people who know me the best can forget that I have it. Rest assured, I feel very deeply and can be extremely compassionate.

.. Now IconsPrincess Medley: A True Story Of Our Ride Home
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Movies:


A River Runs Through It (Deluxe Edition)
Big Fish
Saw [Blu-ray]
Philadelphia
The Grudge
Scarface (Platinum Edition)
The Big Lebowski
The Graduate
The Princess Bride
A Scanner Darkly
The Sixth Sense (Collector's Edition Series)
Gladiator (Two-Disc Collector's Edition)
Cool Hand Luke
Blade Runner (The Director's Cut)
Reservoir Dogs
Forrest Gump (Two-Disc Special Collector's Edition)
Trainspotting
A Clockwork Orange
Taxi Driver
Memento
Fight Club
American Psycho
GoodFellas
Natural Born Killers
Pulp Fiction
Pirates of the Caribbean - The Curse of the Black Pearl (Two-Disc Collector's Edition)
Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Man's Chest (Widescreen Edition)
Pirates of the Caribbean - At World's End (Widescreen Edition)
The Shawshank Redemption
The Silence of the Lambs
The Departed [HD DVD] powered by frazy.com

Television:

Pinky: Gee, Brain, what are we going to do tomorrow night?

Brain: The only thing I know how to have any fun doing. Trying to take over the world!

Books:



A Tale of Two Cities (Bantam Classic)
Wuthering Heights (Bantam Classics)
The Bluest Eye (Vintage International)

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (P.S.)
The Minds of Billy Milligan
FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC

Interview with the Vampire
Beloved (Plume Contemporary Fiction)
The Lords and the New Creatures

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (Book 1)
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream
Catch-22

The Catcher in the Rye
The Glass Castle: A Memoir
Middlesex: A Novel

Invisible Monsters
Choke
Fight Club: A Novel

The Shining
Stephen King's Dark Tower: The Gunslinger Born - The Complete Comic Collection (Issues 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7 Set) powered by frazy.com

Heroes:

I am my own hero. You should see all the shit I have accomplished. If I were any greater, I'd be a deity.
Some interesting things I've noticed that makes me think I might be a divine being:
- I have started a number of musical trends that have lasted a great many years. For example, let's say I discover a song that no one was listening to. I begin listening to it, and the next thing I know, it's like the biggest thing ever.
- Nothing happens unless I am involved. Be it family or friends, every situation becomes better when I'm involved. Until I put my two cents in, people just mill about wondering what to do. I come in, throw a little common sense at them, and bam! Things happen.
- It's never a party unless I am invited. People get together all the time and "hang out." However, when I decide to grace the gathering with my presence, people get excited and it becomes an event.
This is just a sampling of the evidence I have for my unquestionable divinity. I am thoroughly convinced that the world revolves around me. If you're convinced of this too, we'll get along well. If you're scared of me, we'll get along even better - just ask my mom.

My Blog

Zoophobia Gone Wild! Hot, Out of Control Beasts Bare All!

If you've known me for any length of time, you'll know that I don't like animals.Well, it's not that I don't like them exactly...it's more that I am totally freaked out by them. And I mean all animals...
Posted by Minerva von Twatwaffle on Thu, 01 May 2008 06:33:00 PST

Every time you open a tube of toothpaste...

Every time you open a tube of toothpaste... ...you take your life into your hands! No, not because they test it on animals. Who gives a shit if scientists are brushing a monkey's or a rat's teeth ...
Posted by Minerva von Twatwaffle on Wed, 30 Apr 2008 07:43:00 PST

How to Pick Up Guys on MySpace

I recently posted a blog with helpful time-saving tips for the guys on how to pick up chicks on myspace. I thought it only fair that I should do the same for the ladies.Now, girls...I want you to pay ...
Posted by Minerva von Twatwaffle on Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:18:00 PST

How to Pick Up Chicks on MySpace

If you're one of the few men who are not on MySpace to flirt or find a date*, don't bother reading this blog. It's not for you. This blog is a special tutorial for you men on sure-fire ways to find t...
Posted by Minerva von Twatwaffle on Sat, 26 Apr 2008 10:56:00 PST

The one where Minerva almost kills her dad

When I went to New York for college, I ended up getting in WAY over my head. After coming back with my tail between my legs (a little bit older, a little bit wiser, and a helluva lot less proud), I de...
Posted by Minerva von Twatwaffle on Wed, 23 Apr 2008 06:46:00 PST

Vanity is my favorite sin

Last night, I almost caused Shane to have a heart attack. Those details aside, it reminded me of my Dad's first heart attack.It was April 17, 2004. I remember the date because it was also coincidental...
Posted by Minerva von Twatwaffle on Sun, 20 Apr 2008 07:12:00 PST

Blurred

Most days you can't tell truth from fiction, actuality and reproduction collide causing blurred vision... two of you and you and me. This can't end well. You question the motives, the undertone...
Posted by Minerva von Twatwaffle on Sun, 13 Apr 2008 11:45:00 PST

What I Got Is Better Than Kung Fu

Here's my half-assed entry for blog duels for this month. The topic is something about kung-fu, or whatever. This is the closest blog I could find to repost. (Except for that one where I actually kung...
Posted by Minerva von Twatwaffle on Thu, 10 Apr 2008 02:09:00 PST

NEVER underestimate my powers of persuasion.

NEVER underestimate my powers of persuasion.I have been known to make many a man bend to my will.And I have done just such persuading.I promised our good friend Jimmie the Saint (aka Edaurdo Jones) a ...
Posted by Minerva von Twatwaffle on Sun, 23 Mar 2008 10:47:00 PST

The Kiss of Death

My boss is a very important lady. And apparently, very important people need to spread their importantness all over the globe. So, my boss travels a lot. She’s been away since the beginning of t...
Posted by Minerva von Twatwaffle on Thu, 20 Mar 2008 01:12:00 PST