When we go to a resturant on the weekends it's busy so they start a waiting list. They start calling out names like "Dufrane, party of 2, table ready for Dufrane, party of 2," and if no one answers they'll say the name again "Dufrane party of 2." But then if no one answers, they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of 3." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You fuckers are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now with duct tape over their mouths, and they're hungry, that's a double wammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of 3, you can eat when you find the Dufranes"I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly... I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.I had a velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellas... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.A dog is forever in the push-up positionI wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have any, so I bought a cake.I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS?" "No." "Cool, cause you know me."I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, that is free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"find that duck's opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on a duck ever. Like, if I worked in a convenience store, and a duck walked in and took a loaf of bread in its beak, I would let it. I would say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends." When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks. But, they could have like, a beaver in tow. Cause if you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, cause they have some kickass houses. That shit is on the lake. Lakeside my ass, lake on!I like the FedEx guy, 'cause he is a drug dealer and he don't even know it! And he is always on time.I'm staying at a hotel and it doesn't have a 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But c'mon, you people on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401. No you're NOT! Jump out of the window, you will die EARLIER!My fake plants died because i did not pretend to water themI have an old CD, see, this CD will be in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I would take one in and leave it. They said "Sir, you forgot this." "No I did not!...That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' at, but there are two trees involved. They said "Let's call this hotel 'somethin' tree'." So they had a meeting. It was quite short. "How about 'Tree'?" "No." "Double Tree" "Hell yeah!...Meeting Adjourned!" I had my heart set on 'Quadruple Tree'...well we were almost there!'Cause 13's an unlucky number right? Well then so should the letter 'B' be, because B looks like a scrunched together 13. "Hello. What is your name?" "Bob." "Get the fuck away!"If 13's unlucky then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. "I saw you twelve, you were hangin' out with thirteen." "No I wasn't, I was with 11. You talk to 14 'bout that shit." "What'cha got to say 14?" "Me divided by two equals seven?...Alright I was with 13, shit."
I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in. I tried to taste it...didn't work.2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.