Josh

i've tamed wild beasts. i've conquered territories. i've mastered other peoples' wills. i've sailed the seven seas seven times over. i've bummed rides. i've ignited passions. i've broken hearts. i've provoked hostilities. i've worn fabulous outfits to parties at buckingham palace. i've sponsored children in third world nations. i've called, but not spoken, to the president. i've allowed my pets to defecate inside my home, and then cleaned it up. i clone beers. i've smoked pot with carol channing. i've come under attack. i've entertained guests on my own private oceanliner. i've hit homeruns for sick kids. i've witnessed miracles. i am a criminal. i cook. i bathe. i was instrumental in george forman's stunning upset over joe frasier. i've claimed to be someone else. i constantly check to make sure my zipper is up. i've been nude in public. i scream. i smoke my own sausages and raise my own chickens. often, i will create a ruckus. i aim to satisfy. i've executed dissidents. i continue to manipulate the collective. i've authored books and penned sonnets. i helped build the panama canal. i've been seduced. i invented fried ice-cream. i've come within inches of fame. i've started insect stampedes. i won "best of show" at westminster. i've spilled milk and cried about it. i've blown dry. i've hunted dingos with aborigines. i studied acting under the kind tutelage of neil patrick harris. i brush twice daily. i've constructed multi-level sandwiches. i am a slob. i've cursed the elderly. i defended the alamo. and i always wear clean socks.